I've had my first love when I was 8,
Nothing special to him
He's just a boy I just always played with
I don't remember his face anymore

I've had my first love when I was 12
He's the smartest boy in class
But we graduated
Parted our ways

I've had my first love when I was 14
High school, a year older
She had a girlfriend back then
She's my friend

I've had my first love when I was 16
A classmate
I told him in front of class I like him
He smiled, said nothing back

I've had my first love when I was 17
3 years older than me
Admired him for 4 years
And sometimes, I still remember him

I've had my first love when I was 21
He found me at the time when I was not really looking
He is my first in everything.
And it always feel like first time

It's first love
No matter how I looked at it
The feeling are the same
For a new experience

Sometimes you asks
"What's the universe plan?"
You wonder,
People around you move forward,
Then, you are here —
Still here
Stuck from the beginning
Time passes,
But still in the beginning.
You did your best
But then you ask
"Did you really do your best?"

People say "Calm—
You are where you are right now
Everything are according to life's plan"
I hope I can choose my place.
I hope I can choose the battle I can fight.
I hope that life didn't choose me for this.
I am doing my best to follow the life's plan.
Or maybe I am not

Tonight, i want to write
Not a poem
Nor a story
A diary entry?
A life update maybe
Should i jot it on a piece of paper?
Or my notes app is better?
I don't know where to start
It's been a while
But life is better lately
It is sickening mostly
But, we're getting there
One step at a time
We're going better
How about you?
How are you?

and when I die,
i'll keep my messenger open
you can say "hi :) "
or dump your doxc file
no need to say you missed me
but feel free to send the feelings
and sorry if i don't response
but i saw your message
remember,
i'm always here to listen

and the devil works harder this time
painted the city with red
promised the land with unity and lies
red, the color of the blood in their hands

but, i still believe tomorrow will be better
the red will be covered in white,
symbolizes the hope and truth
tomorrow shall be pink


🌸🌼🌸

It's my 23rd year
   Sure time flies so fast,
It all happened,
   In a blink of an eye
But, 23 is sure different
  Growth is still there,
But I learned to let go
  Of the toxics in life –
Of the things that makes me unhealthy
   I learned to let go,
I learned to move on
But no worries,
    No heartaches
No regrets
   And, I am still in the path I chose
But this time,
   With a different surroundings
More challenging
  Still haven't slept properly
But, I have taken my rest
Then I let go, move on
And grow

Thank you, year 23

I am too happy
        to write a poem,
Words can't describe my feelings

I am too busy
         to write a poem,
Crumpled paper on the floor

I am too sad
         to write a poem,
My mind is not here

I am unmotivated
        to write a poem,
I need motivation

I have too many excuses
          why I cannot write anymore,
but I want to, i just cant

Today is a normal day
Just like yesterday
It's sunny
All colors are flashing
But, nothing strikes at me
Just like yesterday
The feeling is the same
Boring
Lifeless

I've been sick for so long
It's inside, you know
There is a hollow
I am trying to patch
They say cry for help
And there is
But no one will understand
Will you understand?
If I choose Z
From my A-Z plan
Will you understand?

Today is a normal day
Just like yesterday
But, today will be different
Still boring
And then
Lifeless

This is world

In the eye of no one
In the eye of 22

Kindness is selective
If I benefit more from you
I'll lend a hand

Children are matured
Adults have tantrums
Both get hurt
With stupid words

I bow not to respect
I bow to check
My phone vibrates
Then rang twice
***? Cool!

She loves him
She loves her
He loves him
This is love

The world is not dark
More than I thought
It's a colorful rainbow

It is not good
It is not bad

This is world

Restless
In this war where enemy can'tsee
Something out there is scary
Should I breathe?
Should I touch?
If I cry
Will I die?

Restless it is
In the comfort of your home
You're still restless

When you close your eyes
You drown
When it is open
You frown

You sleep all day
And wake up tired
You're awake all night
And still tired

Restless
This is how the world
Rest

I like how we became
As stranger, as a friend, as a lover

I like how you speak
    You make me smile, you make me laugh
Are you catching my attention?

I like those late night walks
    And those non sense talks
Slow down your pacing, or this trip will end

I like how the back of our hands touches
    Without knowing, it intertwined
It looks so cute together

I like those warm hugs and head kisses
    It feels like home
A lovely home

I like you
    The way I like the moon and stars
May we make this last.

Never hesitate
When the back of our hands touches
Do you feel the urges?
Hold my hand
Hold me tight
Don't let go
Never let go

Maybe, she's just tired
Maybe, she's just sad
Maybe, she's just too weak to handle the pressure
But,
She's tired
She's sad
She's too weak to handle the pressure
And when she closed her eyes
She see herself in water
An anchor on her ankle
Making her drown
To her tiredness
To her sadness
To her weakness
And maybe,
Maybe she's better to be drown anyway.

Smile!

May this word leave curves on your lips
A word, so lovely you should keep
Always put it on your face
Always save it on your case.

Tonight, let me cry
With no particular reasons why
Maybe I'm mad
Maybe I'm sad
Maybe I'm happy
Maybe I'm just a nobody
Let me show my grudge
Without being judged
Let me fall and breakdown
No "Little Cry Baby" as a crown
But, big girls don't cry tho
That's what people know
I'm just gonna keep this feeling tonight
Hoping everything will be alright

There is always a reason to smile
Just step back for a while
Close eyes, breathe deep
No worries to keep

Breathe in, think.
The baby in the neighbor that wink
Breathe out, laugh
Remember a big smile of giraffe

Don't hesitate to grin
Play your favorite song, and sing
It's okay to make face
Give everyone a warm embrace

And when you walk in the aisle
Share to everyone your smile
Be their source of happiness
When everything gets so mess

Back when I was nine
When I don't know what are beyond the line
Where everything was "just" a touch
Even when she did it at night in couch

When I turned twelve
They said dress according to yourselves
I wear a skirt that I feel
Every eyes are wanting me to peel

I remember a horrible day of fifteen
I wear shirt and pants of green
A cold sweat flush
A strange man grab my ***

I thought eighteen will be fine
Maliciousness will decline
Until someone asked
Join them in bed, I feel aghast

Now I'm twenty-one
Fear lived, doesn't gone
Every looked has a meaning
A memoir of harassing

Let the pen kiss the paper
Smudging softly with dark tint
I am full of ideas!
Creating story, reaching the ******
And my hand is burning
Scribbling my thoughts into words, intensely
I know where I am going.
Wait.
Where am I going?

I have these friends
Talks to me at 2AM
I want you to meet them

She's Clara
She knows my deepest secrets
Reminds me when I'm at lowest

Meet Winnie
She loves to talk about my future
Telling how I'm going to be a failure

This is Kisses
She knows every part of my body
Repeating how it is so ugly

There is also Marco
Who's fascinated about space
And he told me I'm universe's waste

Say hi to Sisa
She's a good listener and influencer
If I cut myself, I will be better

They love when I say "STOP"
Voices turns into scream
Left with tears and hallowed dream

Under the big old tree
I sit there quietly
Reading new book I found
Diving into world I thought I belong

Once, I was Hannah Baker
Sharing my secret story
This is my truth about you
What is your truth about me?

I envy Ponnyboy
He had lots of friends
And one true friend
A reason to stay gold in the end

And I know the feeling of Samantha McAllister
Looking for a place where you belong
A place where your voices are heard
I found my Poet's Corner

Then I dreamed just liked Lara Jean
That someday, I will find true love
Someone will help me conquer my fear
Someone who will give me life

But I guess I am Finch
Love will never save me
I keep on breathing
But I know will be drown

But just like Rufus and Mateo
Tho I know how I'm going to end
I don't want to meet it
I'm still afraid to die

Love is just an illusion
Merely part of our imagination
Leading us to indefinite conclusion
How we get this person's attention

Love is just a result
And your glands  are the cult
Releasing many hormones is an assault
Giving the sense no one understands even adult

Yet love is so fascinating
Letting girls so blooming
Confident guys in the making
For love, they are changing

But true love is not real after all
Attention is what woman's call
Caring is where man's fall
Making the two ideas compatible

Evert night at 2 AM
Different poems are written
Different words are scribbled
Different papers are crumpled
But only one thought she had
Yet, word can't help her convey the feelings
"Empty" has much more than herself
"Sad" is not sadder than she thought
"Broken" is more whole than her
"Hurting" ain't just bleeding just like her
And when words can't take the role
It's the blade that play with her
Every cuts has meaning
Everything is her unreleased feeling

Beautiful and transparent
Lightweight and floating
Pops to make everyone happy
I envy bubbles

I wanted to become a bubble
Showing off transparently
Telling myself I'm pretty
Without judgement from anybody

I wanted to become a bubble
Flying so freely
Going up up up, highly
Makes people so bubbly

I wanted to become a bubble
When the pressure is on me
I will burst, quietly
Leaving my space lovely and empty

I wanted to become a bubble
I'm scared to be a bubble

Tonight
I'm wearing a black see-through dress
I looked in the mirror, I thought I will see myself
Brown skin
Short legs
Fat bellies
My insecurities
But I know this is not me, I know
I take a knife and peel myself
I started to my ring finger
Skin stretched to my elbow
I'm not crying
I'm hurting
Blood's dripping
Tears are not falling
I thought I have a fresh red flesh
But it is black
Blacker than black
And I'm laughing
Because this is me, the real me.
How did this happened?
Maybe I breathe the air I thought that was air
Or drink the water I thought that was water
Or eat the food I thought was food
Or maybe..
I was rottening in hell. Alive.
But this is me. The real me
And my skin covers more than what I know
And my dress cover more than my insecurities
And myself covers myself
Tomorrow
I will not wear my see-through dress again

How many days have you been alive
In this world where your parents put you in without your consent
I guess million days like I am

How many times you've been on ****** days
Where everything is ****** up from day to night
Thousand times, right?

How many people called you, bullied you
Leaving words a mark on your every part
I bet a hundred

How many demons you have in yor mind right now
Whispering you to end things
Assuring you
Lying to you
I know it's not lower than ten

How many YOUs do we have
That makes everything so lovely with a smile
We only have ONE

You may have a billion reason to end yourself
But your existence that makes people around you so lovely is the most beautiful reason why you don't have to.

I am happy to feel your existence

If the universe is fair
There will always be a happy pair

Love will be back to you
When you love him too

You will live with your dream
Live it with no pain and scream

Everyday you are happy
Your cup is always full of tea

No one will have a sad face
Looking for happinesa like a race

If the universe is fair
No one will risk and dare

This world will be a monochrome
Ugly like an old gnome

The universe may not be fair
But at least you learned to care

I have a secret
Told by my mother
The one I will not forget
I have the universe's character

I loved the stars, moon and sun
She knows it very well
Will have it even if I run
Or contract a demon in hell

"If you want it on hand" she said
"plant a Dandelion"
And I laughed at her instead
But she's serious like a *****

Mother have it on hand
A yellow flower with white puffball
And in my palm it land
I'm too afraid to let it fall

"The flower represent the sun"
"White puffball is the moon"
Slowly she blew it with fun
"These floating seeds are the stars this noon"

My gaze follow the seed
As it falls like shooting star
It is my universe indeed
A dream I've reached so far.

They call us "Millennials"
The internet dwellers
Post and make your status
Hey! Have you read the rumor in campus?
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Snapchat
We live with these app
Faking ourselves and crap
Sharing your pictures so happy
Though your mind are so ******
Insecurities
Intimidation
Jealousy
We know it by every "Liked"
I want to be her by every "Share"
Why I can't be her in every "Love"
Anxiety
Depression
This is what we suffer
Millenial Fever
A post can overwhelmed our feelings
Living scratch into us until evening
"What's on your mind?"
"What's happening?"
This is our struggle
To be me but also not me
Welcome to our generation
We are Millennials

It is the brightest moon
That makes me remember your smile
A smile that lights up my dark night
As I see your smile,
I see myself
Myself with you forever.

Her smile makes his heart beat,
Her eyes makes him melt
Her laugh is a song to his ears
Her voice stucked in his mind
Her body makes him dance
In the wilderness of the night.
Without her, he would die...
~
His smile is a knife in her heart
His eyes left her bruises in every part.
His laugh is a demon in her mind
His voice is a sound of a nightmare.
His body takes her to the fire
Of wilderness
His touch gives her wound.
With him, she literally die...

"What do you want?"
It keeps on repeating
Like the old vinyl I bought yesterday
Enter the University for my parents
Took this course based on my friends
Choose this path 'cause someone says
Did I really want this life
Life like a zombie
Fed by others brain
"What do you want?"
I have the answers in my hand
To write is what makes me happy
To understand you
That's what I really wanted to do
"What do you want?"
Am I late to tell
THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

I'm running out of time

Tick tock
I can't achieve my goal
People around me grow

Tick tock
My feet are sinking
Can't remember what I'm aiming

Tick tock
This clock won't stop
But you don't need to rush

Tick tock
10 days late to your plan
But you didn't quit, that's the important.

What's your worth?
You're just another mouth of the family
Another waste of the society
Another consumer of the planet
Just a dust in this universe
Know your worth
Just like stars that made this universe
They are dust
They shine
So you are
The consumer that makes
Every space so lovely
The waste that leaves hope
The mouth that makes
Everyone happy
You have worth.