People scare me.  They change their minds so quickly.  One moment it's "I love you" and "you make me happy" and the next it's "I'm not sure anymore" and "this isn't what I want".

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I like having an organized room and arrive 15 minutes early to everything because it's the only thing I can control in my life?  I can't control falling in love.  I can't control you when you leave.  I can't control the malignant thoughts that spur up once I'm alone.  I can't control myself when I text you asking if you miss me even a little bit and I can't control crying myself to sleep when you don't text back.  I can't control these things and it scares me so I take it out on everything else.

I remember after the first time you kissed me you said that you had been wanting to do that for a while.

I wonder if you thought the same thing when you left me.

Today I learned that
humans are 99.9% genetically identical to one another.
That's an awful lot isn't it?

So please forgive me for having these mud-colored eyes of mine.  
For I know you cant compare them to something beautiful
like the fresh waters off the coast of Venice
Or to the first leaf of spring exposed after the final layer of ice thawed off.

Please forgive me for having this unruly curly hair
which you can never run your fingers through unless
you are okay with the amount of time it takes to untangle your fingers
from the mess I carry upon my shoulders.

Please forgive me for not having English be the first language to roll off my tongue.
I know I pay the cost when I cannot find the right words to express
how deeply I am in love with everything that is you.

But darling, if you must know one thing, know this:

Every cell in my body craves to show you
how infatuated I am with you.
This heart beats so loudly whenever you are near
it's a wonder it hasn't broken the ribs which enclose it.  
My fickle brain goes back and forth between
wanting you and needing you.
But there is no need to worry, my love.
I always manage to steer it in the right direction.

And because of all this,
I will never fear the day when you will no longer love me
because if everything within my skin loves you this deeply,
I know everything you carry inside feels the same way
because
today I learned that
humans are 99.9% genetically identical to one another.
That's an awful lot isn't it?

The worst thing that can happen in a long distance relationship is when you stop receiving texts without a warning.  You immediately notice but try to play it off.  You start telling yourself excuses like "maybe they're busy" or "they're just having a bad day".  
But that day turns into a week;
one week turns into two;
two turns into three...

You finally ask them what's going on.  You see your phone go off but you're too scared to read their reply. Six minutes later, you finally read it:
"I'm trying to use my phone less"
Normally, you wouldn't think too much of it.
But then you realize
The only way you can communicate is by phone...

If you love someone, tell them.
Even if you are scared that it's not the right thing,
even if you are scared that it'll cause problems,
even if you are scared that it will burn you life to the ground,
you say it, and you say it loud.
And then you go on from there.

I was *mending myself when I talked to you
I was *mending myself as I opened up to you
I was *mending myself when I let you kiss me
I was *mending myself when I let you take my clothes off
I was *mending when I let you see every inch of my untouched body
I was *mending myself when I let you have me completely
I was *mending myself when I let you be the center of my universe

Yesterday I came to realize my level of unhappiness.
This, of course, knocked the wind out of me.
My throat tightened restricting my breathing.
The more I struggled
The less the air came my way.
I fought and fought
but the air was nowhere to be found
I fought and fought
panic filled my eyes
I fought and fought
oxygen-deprived blood cried for help
I fought and fought
voices whispered in my ear
3... 8... 10....
there seemed to be no end
I fought and fought
but the voices were too soothing
too convincing
I fought and fought
but the day wore on
I fought and fought
the day came to an end
the object upon my shoulders grew to be too light
I held it down with a pillow
I fought and fought
until the voices came to an end.

We're always thinking that someday we will be happy,
but happiness is a mood not a destination.
It's like being tired or hungry- it's not permanent,
it comes and goes and that's okay.

If people thought of it that way,
they'd find happiness a lot more often.

Are my eyes growing weary
or has the light in your eyes dimmed a little since we first met?

Is my body growing old
or do you not hold me tight enough like you used to?

Am I losing the feeling in my mouth
or have our kisses lost their passion?

Do you not love me anymore
or was there ever a love to begin with?

I've never known the loving of a man but
it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.