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m a k a y l a Mar 2019
I love to feel alive
I love the sound of my heart pumping
It brings my body warmth, my mind reassurance that I am here
It serves as a constant reminder, I am alive
Its so easy to forget, so easy to stop
But then you hear the pumping, you feel it
Your hand over your heart, your reminder, you are alive
Breathing, living, moving, laughing, you are alive
Loving hard, crying slow, breathe in, breathe out
You are alive.
m a k a y l a Apr 2019
Think of every battle you've ever faced, every time you won
God stood there, in front of you, pointed behind Him, towards you
He spoke, She is mine, He took his armor and fought for you
That's love, infinite, beautiful, overflowing love

Think of those battles, A God so mighty fought for you,
Your heart can feel that love, its beating so fast
Let your heart beat for Christ, and He will fight for you until your last breath
oh the freedom in being
the happiness that unfolds
I release it all
I release the tightness in my hands
I release the tension in my jaw
I release the breath I’ve been choking back
I release it all

oh the joy in being
the relief that follows
I release it all
I release the creases in my face
I release the tears in the trenches of my soul
I release the smile I’ve been punishing

oh to be
to breathe
to stretch
to smile
oh to simply be
m a k a y l a Jul 20
Sometimes I’d rather close my eyes and enjoy the ride
Other times I’d rather fight to be in the drivers seat
Both are overwhelmingly apart of who I am
But when the scale tips, who will win?
This is height vs width
Fight vs flight
Nature vs nurture
Ying vs Yang
Two in the same
The most vile form of pain
To be pulled by all for limbs at the same time
That’s pain
Pain that I would like to lay down
So I will do just that
Handing you the keys, closing the door on my way out
Watching the car move down the street as I wave
I think that’s what I’ll do
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
You can't tell me it was right
I saw their faces, I saw your face
Pain, sadness, all the bad things, I saw it
I felt their hope fade, the silence in their ears
You can't tell me it was right

You didn't hear the cracking sounds their hearts made
You did't feel the blood pumping throughout their brains
You put a hand on them, you inflicted that pain
But you don't know do you?
It was not right
m a k a y l a Jul 2020
there’s this sick comfort in depression
the absence of feeling is welcoming compared to the constant rush of emotions
the quietness and stillness from all that nothingness
it’s different from peace, it’s the lack of joy

there’s a sick comfort in depression
it’s the warm bed you can’t feel, it’s the concerned faces you can’t care about
it’s the locked door you can’t open
It’s different from calmness, it’s the lack of a steady heart beat

the comfort in depression is real, it’s the lack of feeling, it’s something on fire isn’t dulled out but completely extinguished
It’s gone
It’s dark
It’s black
m a k a y l a Jan 2021
I cannot live this way
It’s no longer my body that aches for others
It’s my heart

I cannot love this way
I take the opportunity away from myself
A sabotage I can’t control
My own worst enemy
But this hate must belong to others

I cannot be this way
m a k a y l a Dec 2020
it's a desire of mine
to be free from freedom
to be one with everything
to be nothing at all

it's a desire of mine
to run with the wind
to sink into the earth
to stand at the foot of you

it's a desire of mine
to give in to the sun
to feel the air
to be nothing at all
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
When the slightest ray of light reaches my mind, you take it away
When I can finally stand on my own, for my own, you try and trip me
I can breathe, I can dance, I can laugh, without you
And you hate that
You have the devil's hands wrapped around your neck
But you won't take mine, you won't
I don't need you
I am a such a force without you
I bet you miss my touch, my skin
You miss my attention, my love
You can miss everything about me, I'll keep walking forward
I'm not looking back
m a k a y l a Dec 2019
do you ever get scarily anxious around the New Year?
its like you have to come up with something spectacular
something impossible to either achieve or change
the pressure is enough to want to stay in the Current Year

do you ever think about your current self?
i think that's hard to do
we're always thinking about the past, or the future, or comparing our past self to our new and improved future self, or even comparing how different our future selves are from our past self
it's never current

do you ever wish for things to stay current
not in a trendy way of course
but to be content with the thought---and hear me out---of just being
now that's quite the thought
that's quite the wish
that's quite the New Year
m a k a y l a Jul 2021
it’s quiet

your back is in the grass
hands playing with the blades
the sky above you
the wind dances
your eyes are closed
everything is slow
breathing so slow

there’s nothing else

no heavy heart
no overworked mind
no empty feelings
its quiet

and there’s nothing else
m a k a y l a Feb 2020
There is no expiration date for grief
You can’t rush a healing heart
You can blow the glue
Praying it keeps the pieces together
It won’t make it heal faster
You can’t rush grief

Sometimes the pain is too much
It’s like the last minute of a run
The 60 seconds stretch so long
But every second counts it’s necessary
You can’t rush grief
m a k a y l a Jan 2020
you can feel the grass
throw your shoes off, roll up your sleeves, stretch your legs
we've been sitting for too long
you can feel the wind
rub your hands in your face, click your heals together
we've got a new spirit
you can feel the sidewalk
skip in the air, throw your hair up, let go of his hand
this is for the ladies
m a k a y l a May 2020
Brother I know you’re tired
It’s your time to rest
Brother you died not by hands
You died of weight
The weight of the white man
The weight of your black skin

Brother you know we’re tired
But it’s not our time to rest
Brother we lift you up to sing and dance in the sky
m a k a y l a Mar 2020
you know that sticky skin? those sweat palms?
the hair that grips the back of your neck, feels like hot glue
that stick skin is stubborn
everything is hot
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
I'm feeling a little burn't out lately
Is it a lack of motivation?
I'm caught in a spot where everything is changing
I can't find my place
It's uncomfortable, my skin feels hot
I'm feeling a little burn't out lately

I'm feeling a little heavy lately
When you look at old photos and see the difference
You could pass it off as height , but know its the weight
Thinking yourself into a dark hole
I haven't been there in awhile, I guess its time
I'm feeling a little heavy lately

I'm feeling a little fake lately
A forced smile can appear enough to seem real right?
Maybe I'm not doing it right, its not working
I can't see past today, is that carpe diem?
Life's getting hazy, I'm getting more and more numb
I'm feeling a little fake lately

I've been going through the motions lately
I've figured it out, that dry dry feeling
Its a nasty feeling, to feel dry
You feel worn and used
Going through the motions, I've figured it out
I want to feel a lot more now
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
I can feel the way you hurt
I can see it too.
I feel the clench of your heart
Its right on cue
It happens in the dark
I can feel you

I can feel the way your skin burns
Mine does the same
Under the sun, God's laugh
A feeling that can't be tamed
I can feel you

I can feel the way your mouth stretches when you smile
My eyes crinkle at the sides
No traces of senile
The tears are gone, my breath longer divides.
I can feel you
m a k a y l a Jul 2019
I miss being care free
we hear it all the time, you never know how good you have it
but what if you do know? is that pain somehow justified now?
that's a hard question
I miss being care free

I miss those butterflies
when you looked at me, you looked at my imperfections
and you never looked away, they turned into my perfections
your hand would graze mine, the butterflies went wild
I miss those butterflies

I miss those laughs
the ones when the wind stole my breath away
when my eyes found darkness from squeezing shut, i love that
we grabbed our stomachs, the only pain that made us laugh harder
I miss those laughs

Its okay to miss those things
i have those memories, i have those forever
all the places my feet traveled, the places my hands touched
i get to keep all of those, and that makes this okay.
m a k a y l a May 2021
my soul aches to meet you
maybe in passing, a small moment of connection
my soul aches to meet you
when we are both ready, that’s when we’ll meet
all of our edges smoothed over, renewed
that’s when my soul will meet yours
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
I prefer Joy,
Its not always loud or exciting, it can be quiet
That means I can be joyful
No strings attached, no circumstances
Just joy

I prefer Joy,
It doesn't need to be perfect or beautiful
It just wants you
He just wants you
Just joyful

I prefer Joy,
Its a place my spirit can live, it can rest
It can rest in Him, in his glory, his joy
We are His joy, He is ours
In Him, Joy is eternal
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
I like to watch you laugh
I play it over again in my head in slow motion
The crease in your eyes, the light behind them
I can feel your soul relax, you give it all to God
The backpack full of bricks and regret, you gave it all to God
Your smile takes up half your face, it really is a beautiful sight
The hair in your face, your teething making an appearance, almost primal
I like to watch you laugh
m a k a y l a Jan 2021
I feel that I would be the bride of adventure
That is my destiny
This feeling of being unwanted
Left behind
I feel that I would be the bride of adventure
That is my calling

This future that lies ahead
Empty or filled?
Bright or dull?
I feel that I would be the bride of adventure
m a k a y l a Oct 2021
A life of constantly fighting off grief

This life of longing

My life is reaching, stretching, sprinting for more

But what is more? It’s aimless, emptiness

It’s this life of mine, longing, grieving, longing

This is a life of longing
m a k a y l a Jan 2021
I am not owned by any earthly person
A wonderer
A life without a way
I belong to no earthly person
A misfit
A woman with no way
I am an earthly person
A door wide open
A road longing to be used
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
Flat is boring
You see everything ahead of you, its flat
The ground is easy, its flat
Straight lines ahead show you your path, its flat
Your feet glide across the smooth floor, its flat

Mountains are grand
You have to use your body to push you forward, its hard
Your legs constrict, relax, constrict again, its hard
You can't see over it, its hard
The ground is rocky, full of twists and turns, its hard
You reach the top, your shoes are worn, your muscles ache, its hard
You gaze over the mountain, real slow, you stretch your arms up
It was worth it
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
I am sorry its been a while
I can't bring myself to talk to you
I miss you
I am trying to forget you
I'm mad, I am so mad at you
I want you here, but I want to forget
What could I even say to you?
What do you want me to say?
I'm so mad, YOU did this
But you were hurting so much
You were hurting so much.
I love you and I miss you,
Your Friend
m a k a y l a Aug 2019
Here's my notion, poetry is mean't to be an extension of the consciousness
It's supposed to be passionate, painful, it's mean't to be felt
The sun doesn't always have to shine, but it does, the rain doesn't always have to fall, but it always does
The moon is always there, watching over us
The trees are always there, quite literally giving us life
The squirrels, the birds, the caterpillars, we tend to swat them away sometimes, but they are always there

My notion, everything outside is there, for the time being it will always be there, apart of us
Much like poetry, its an extension of the most beautifully dark places in our minds
We are passionate about never letting someone's thoughts go unheard, hence our community
But have we forgotten where we extend from?
Where we gain such beautiful ideas?
The sun. the moon, the dirt, the water
They are in pain, and in extension so are we
We feel the burn of the forests, we call it anger
We feel the death of the coral reefs, we call it grief
The connection is loud, its rough, and we are losing it
That is my notion
m a k a y l a Jul 2021
what a life it is to live

the desire of fierce solitude

the desire of a human touch

fighting for a place among you

to convince you

you are lonely

but you are not alone
m a k a y l a Oct 2021
I don’t know what to name it
It’s such a beautiful emotion
Provoking my heart to race against itself
Fooling my eyes
I can’t comprehend it’s weightlessness
It’s almost too freeing
My breath leaves me
My palms sink into the earth, it’s perfect
Everything is perfect
There is hope here
There is life here
It’s an indescribable emotion
m a k a y l a May 2020
I feel envious of your smile, even though its probably forced
it looks better than mine
I feel envious of your crew, even though they cropped you out
they look more comforting than mine
m a k a y l a Apr 2019
On this very very Happy Easter:
Jesus you rose from the dead, you beat death
A stone table, a cave, you walked away from
A wooden cross you died on for me, you bled, you cried out
You gave up your spirit, so I could spend an eternity with you
You called me daughter
Jesus you knew of sins I would commit, how many times I would turn against you, and you still call me by name, you call me daughter
My heart cries out in happiness that I am yours
My spirit rests in you
Jesus today you rose
Today you conquered death
You defeated hell, the demons die
Heaven sings your praises
The earth dances to your songs
All creatures look upon your face
Today you rose
m a k a y l a May 2021
there is quite a bit of anger in knowing that I am second

in every relationship, every friendship

i win second place, every single time

is it anger or embarrassment? a mix

anger from the moment my eyes can recognize the loosen feelings in yours

embarrassment from the realization that our eyes have connected

this sick game, the only one I seem to lose

first, a place I would never come to know

second, a place I would never come to leave
m a k a y l a Feb 2021
So far I’m trying my best
and my best *****
It ***** that my effort will never amount to much
It ***** that I am destined to live a life of mediocracy, In a world of burning passion
It ***** that my heart beat so fast,  In a body of sinking spirits
So far I’m trying my best
m a k a y l a Mar 2019
Why am I always "that friend", the one who is so easy to leave,
You know? That friend that makes the group an odd number
No one likes an odd number.
I hate that I am constantly on the outside, I hate it
Why? I force myself into so many groups and friendships
I fall in love with people, they're my people
I don't like fake but I surround myself around it, a people person
But why not? Why can't I be fake and be happy? They are
Its always I and we, never you no there can't be a you because if there's a you, then you win, and you can't win.
I am "that friend", I have turned into everything I do not want to be
They won't notice, they haven't then and they won't now
If you're that friend, I see you, you are important, and you will find yourself, I did.
m a k a y l a Feb 2020
this is the problem
the problem is trying
trying can make you tired
i'm feeling real tired
the problem is trying
m a k a y l a May 2020
you are your skin
your skin is good skin
my brothers, no one should be scared to raise you
your skin is good skin

each for times you were hurt
that’s all they saw

you are your skin
your skin is good skin
Ahmaud Arbery
m a k a y l a Feb 2021
In this body, my soul screams
A cry so deeply embedded in my chest my  veins run dry
Do the words exists? To describe a soul so taunted
A sick, dry, maddening feeling
A life to live, yet here I am
A screaming soul
m a k a y l a Oct 2020
Is it worth it?
I can't find the words, ironic
The pain in my heart seeped into my blood, its everywhere
Is it worth it?

— The End —