mold me

        make me

             what you want

make me what you--
      what you want to be
pose me

   dose
              me

                     break
             me
down
            down
                         down

touch me
          control me
                 absolutely crush me
      hold me
               enfold me--

do
      what
                 you
                        please

mold         me
         make      me
pose           me
        break       me

a house is not a home
my home is with those who love me,
and you clearly don't
i am leaving;
i will miss you,
but not enough to come back.
you are nothing to me anymore,
as i am done with your lies

you made me feel so loved
        i adored you
        i don't know how to feel
                   why am i apologizing
                   for you hurting me
why do i feel guilty
for something i didn't do?
                           why am i coming back to you
                           even after you caused me so much pain?
             why am i talking to you
             after you stole my voice?
                                          why do i see you as beautiful,
                                          when you made me feel hideous?
                why am i crawling back,
                after you tore me apart?
                          
                               ­                           why do i keep coming back?

i always wanted to be a fairy;
to be small,
skinny,
and free
to be able to fly,
soar through the clouds,
and touch the sun

i longed to be a vampire
so i could be beautifully pale,
survive on liquid alone,
and be asleep all day

i wished to be a zombie
so i didn’t have to eat,
so i could see my ribs,
and just rest in peace

i prayed to be a witch,
or a warlock;
make people see me for me,
and see me as a boy

i just want it all to get better

the way
he grabbed you,
and hurt you
reminded me
all too much
of him being
beaten

Sometimes I see her at the side of my bed;
Reading me a story;
Kissing me goodnight,
The lights go out
Sometimes her face is so clear
Like I saw her yesterday;
She is right there in front of me
I reach out to give her a hug
She ripples and fades
Like she
was never
there at all
Sometimes I hear her heart,
Beating like she's still here
When it stops, the pain starts all over
When she's gone, time stops;
When she returns, we bleed;
When she returns, we breathe;
When she returns
We are free

what did i ever do
to deserve a woman
as cruel and heartless
as you?

if i grabbed a handful of little red pills
and put them in my mouth,
would anything matter?

or would the world just fade to black
and forget about me

the princess
in shining armour
got the prince
out of his tower

you saved my life,
many a time;
told me no,
held my hand,
walked me through—
you always made sure i was alright,
and kept watching

just like me,
you never stopped watching

Twelve, getting older;
Boy, oh boy
You know,
It is time
Too old for silly games…
(Too young to work)
Sit in limbo--
Ponder your fate,
The life that which you live
Still eleven,
Scared of what you see;
It’s not fair
It’s never been fair
Ten now
You know your father has no chance
Whatever faith you had,
It’s gone with his career
All you have is your games,
Your sister,
And what little hope you have left
All you can do is pray;
Pray and hope it will be okay

i took your name
as my own;
i liked it,
and wanted it love it
as much as i loved you;
because if i do not have you
i have something to hold on to

you know me—
the ins and outs of my soul,
the fibres of my body;
what makes me squirm,
what makes me scream;
you know anything and everything
i could ever want someone to know,
and help me know more.

you see me for me,
not some broken parts—
and for that?
i could never love you more

bruises,
black and blue—
bitten into skin;
a drunken mistake?
or a sign of things to come?

you love me enough to say no
to tell me what scares you
to make me stop

you love me enough
and yet you have so much left over
you still care about yourself
and put yourself in other’s shoes

i love you enough to say yes
“yes” to all the things i’ve never felt safe doing before
“yes” to things that used to make me afraid
that i now feel safe going with you

i love you enough
to cry when you say “i love you”
to feel all that emotion build up
and swell

i love you enough
to just sit and think about you
i don’t see you much
but memories of you make me feel like i’m safe

i love you enough
that thinking of you makes my day a million times better
that every time you cross my mind
i smile,
brighter than i ever have

i love you enough
to call you my home,
and make a nest

i love you enough
that i want to make your sadness go away
be your sunshine
and make everything better

and i love you enough
to know that i can’t

in me, i see you—
a young man, small, timid;
dark hair, dark eyes

stubborn, irresponsible—
full of bad decisions

somebody who has no control
someone who has no freedom

for whom love is not enough
who has everything that he could ever want and still be unhappy
a home
a family
some faith in the universe
you still want more

in me, i see you
and that is something i wish wasn’t true

for a boy i used to know
i’m sorry.
you deserved a better friend;
one that didn’t hurt you
a person who left good enough alone
a friend that knew how to make it better
there is more i wish i did for you

for a boy i used to love
i still care;
still longingly wait for you,
waiting for you to call again
there is more i wish i said to you

for a boy who touched me
i said no
i’m sorry you didn’t hear me

for a boy who loved me—

m y
   b o d y
       i s
           t o o m u c h

m y
     b r a i n
    d o e s
             n o t
       e n o u g h