The thing about growing up
Is that you realize
That no one really gets a happy ending.

You've spent your life
Letting them treat you how they want
Letting their hands
And thoughts wander
At will
Keeping the wild fury inside
So as not to cause offense
And you find
Eventually
That for so long
You allowed people to do things to you,
And now you don't even know what's normal
Until the story comes from your lips
And your comrade looks at you
In horror
Of your tragic past.

I've come
To realize that if
She
Is in the room
No one will ever see
see

Me.

All these people missing each other
And more often than not
They are separated by
A Distance they never wanted

I used to believe
In happy endings
I used to believe
That everything would work out
That one day
I would find someone
I used to live
Like I was waiting for the greatest
Moment
Ever
I used to have faith
In humanity
In good
And in myself

But I guess it's been too long
Now a sunny day is just weather
A smiling stranger
Is just another person
Beautiful things are just
Creations

I used to believe that I would meet
The man of my dreams
But now I know
That I already have
And now I know
That he will never be mine

In my mind there's a version of you
One who is happy
And never turned to drinking
As a way to push back the darkness
A version that told me he loved me
And really meant it
Who knew Jesus like I do
And who made me laugh
Who made my skin blush
Instead of crawl
And who chose to be better
And care for himself

And there's another you
Who never said anything
The you who is still my companion
Who makes stupid faces at me
And takes me out for dinner with our friends
An alternate you
Who I never told what broke me
Because when I did,
It broke us, too.

There's a third version of you
The one who hurt me
Used my past against me
The one who told me I was beautiful
And different from the rest
The one who two months later told me to never speak to him again
And gave no reason why
This third version of you is the one
Who lives down the road
I think you do.
Its been almost 3 years and I havent heard a thing
The third version of you is the one who left
And the one that I got

I don't know whether to be angry at you
Or to miss you
But I know that it hurts that you're gone
I'm not sure whether upon seeing you again
I would slap you
Or hug you
But I know that more than almost anything
I want to tell you that leaving didn't make me stop worrying about you
It made me worry more.
And more than that
I want to tell you to come back.

And oh how I wish that one of the you's in my head
/Heart/
Would come around
Because the second one is my friend
And the first
Is everything I ever wanted.

She wakes up
Does her hair
Puts on her uniform

And smiles

She dabs makeup
On her gentle eyelids
Dropping like butterflies to her lids.

And smiles in the mirror

She puts up her hair
And ties up her shoes
Finally steps out the door

And smiles at her reflection in the windshield

When she gets there
She smiles at coworkers
And fills herself a glass of water

And smiles in the water

As the night goes on
She refills coffee cups
She takes orders

And still smiles

She drinks her water
She brings out food
She deals with rude customers

And still she smiles

They don't know
She's hurting underneath it all
So they criticize and hurt her more

She yet smiles

One person
Comes back every week
Just to see her

And makes her smile for real

So when the next week
She doesn't show up to work
He wonders where she is

Is she smiling?

Little does he know
That she had enough
She went to see the Lord

And now she smiles for real.

You are worth so much**
Think of all of the thousands of leaves
And of all the blades of grass
That would have never stirred had you not driven that car down the old asphalt of your hometown
Those people who you held the elevator for
Wouldn't have gotten to work on time
Think of every bird that never would have roosted in that tree you planted when you were 17
And of the squirrel that you braked for that someone else wouldn't have
You have a place in this universe
You are a sky of greatness
And without you
Nothing would be the same

He wasn't particularly handsome
No lovely dark hair
Or green eyes
The world didn't stop to stare at him
But I did.
He wasn't confident
Or proud,
He didn't spend his days
Being recognized or
Fauned over by the masses,
He didn't even love himself
But I did.
I can't say
That we were meant for each other,
Or the stars aligned
To bring us together,
But there was a
Hope
Of "maybe" between us
And no one else could understand it,
But we did.

I'm just...
               Lonely
And I want to die
But the fireworks
And the music
And all these joyful people
Can't make that go away.

Often times it may seem like you have had so much mercy from the throne of Grace that it seems He must soon run out of it to give- Not so. His love is an eternal wellspring; it can never dry up from all our sin-no, His is an everlasting love.

We must walk in light
And not in darkness
Speak of truth
And not of night

Think of good intent
And not of evil
Love like God
And live like Christ

We must treat our friends
The same as we
Give to them
And not take back

Jesus loves the weak
And the burdened
Holds them close
And ne'r let's go

Lord

Give me strength to
Love the wounded
Care for them
As you did me

Show them how you
Brought me-wanderer
Down to kneel
Before the king

Give me peace like
Bright blue rivers
Let me pass
it to my own

Give me lungs to
Sing your praises
You are I AM to
Make it known

We never had a song
We gazed at each other
Until one of us looked away
We'd smile
Or make funny faces
And he would stick out his tongue at me
But we never had a song
He made me blush when we touched
Gave me butterflies
When he wrapped his arms around me
But we never had a song
He replaced all my scars
With his fingertips
He made me feel... safe
But we never had a song
I would watch him when he didn't see
And wondered what his skin felt like
But we never had a song
He made me wish for silly things
Like making coffee together
Or playing card games late at night
But we never had a song
And at the end
When all we did was fight
When we opened up old wounds
And you used my past against me
It took up all my mind,
And all I could think
Was that we'd never have a song.

Have you ever wondered if this is a dream?
If maybe all of this chaos
Is nothing but a dim shadow
Between
Us and eternity?
Or maybe if you're going insane, and Every conversation you have
Every decision you make
Is all based on the charade
That is mental instability?
Often I wonder if others are
Going crazy
Or if I am the insane one, spending
My day's going back and forth
Across a spinning ball in space
And if maybe
Just maybe
Others wear the mask
So as not to betray
My insanity

I wish
With all my heart
That I could talk to you.

But I promised.
I was stupid
And I promised I wouldn't.

So now
So late at night
Darkness seeping in through my window
When I need you
To
Speak
To me

What can I do?
What can I do when I need you?

When everything seems so dark,
My lantern won't give a spark
Then I feel so shaken
I just want to break in.

Whenever I try to rise,
Then my life seems to capsize.
So I feel so shaken,
that's when my heart caves in.

Whenever I fall aground,
My savior will then reach down.
Saying "Do not feel shaken.
I'll hold back the cave-in.

"Whatever will come your way,
Through the fire or through the rain,
You will not be shaken.
You will not be shaken."

So now when my life feels dark-
My lantern won't give a spark
I will not be shaken
For he holds the break-in.

And now when the pouring rain
Will thunder and come my way
I cannot be shaken
I will not be shaken.

Everyone says
That it will all be okay
And that everyone will stay
Is that really the way?
I can't do this alone

But what happens
When they take it all for real
You fake a smile you don't feel
Set your resolve like steel
You've got to press on through.

It's come again
I am drowning on my own
I am lost and feel alone
My heart feels cold like stone
I can't do it this time

It was a fluke
How I survived for this long
Pretending to be strong
Just walking on along
Can't do this anymore

I lay in my bedroom and pondered one day
Why no one I knew would seem to stay the same

Was angry and broken, and felt so put down
And before I knew it was face to the ground.

Things looked so different laying down there
When I looked up at you, the world seemed to glare.

I beat the ground like you beat me sometimes
Now I'm just searching for something here that rhymes

I don't understand why you do this to me
Come to me fighting like a returning dream

I lay here sometimes thinking of how we fought
And so here I lay again writing my thoughts

And as I lay here, something came to my mind.
Something that made me wonder if I was blind.

All the things about you I seemed to hate so
Were things I made of you-shaping my own foe.

The way you talked to me was my own mad voice
Now with heavy heart, I had to make a choice.

So there I lay with my hot tears rolling down
But as I always did, not making a sound

I realized too late that what forced you away
Was my strong willpower asking you to stay

So though in my heart you took one of two spots,
You were a painting I had covered with blots

As much as I desperately wanted to stay,
With tears on my face, I would push you away

Your perfect portrait was something I had maimed
And now thanks to me you will not be the same.

But for your own good, I swear to let you go
Maybe one day your portrait will be as snow

Don't understand how you forgive me this way
All I can tell you is to keep me at bay.

I'm sorry, I love you.

Okay, so this is supposed to be about poetry.
Not about standards.
There are no rules as to what we can put on here, or who they can be aimed
At.

What I mean is, if you don't like it, don't read it.

What's wrong, you ask?

Haha

Funny.

Lies, lies, lies
Everywhere.

I've been lied to
So many times
"I'll never leave."
"You're my best friend."
"I'll stop bothering you."
"I hate him."
"I love him."

I don't even know what truth is anymore.
Can't
Trust
Anyone
Anymore.

When confusion's my companion
When fear reaches into my heart
When I just want to cry

Like I did today

I only let the tears in for a split second.

Then I crank music
As loud as can be
Singing God's praises

And I bring back the dancing-the ballet
I learned as a child.

I danced around the kitchen
Losing myself in the happiness of Grace

I don't know what I believe
Just that my heart screams out "no more"

Am I the villain here today
Or victim with my tears unsure

Though I don't know where I play part
I have been weeping from the start

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me

Please help me now, I feel I drown,
I'm lost within the sea

When I miss you, the world goes dark
When I miss you, I can't breathe
I feel it in my chest
Echoing in our now quiet room
I guess it's just my room now.

I miss you and my lungs won't work
When I miss you, it all hurts
Every **** thing hurts
And I don't know how to make it go
I can't put it into words.

I miss you, and it is bitter
I miss you in my heart-soul
Yes-It all feels empty
And I don't know how to make it stop
I can't make it go away

I miss you, my heart is hollow
I can't sleep without you here
It has been 2 months now.
Yeah - I keep track of how long it's been
Like a drug, I can't let go

I miss you - my body is numb
You say it wasn't my fault,
But I don't believe you
Yeah - I blame myself, what did you think?
That I would just move on? No.

No - I am stuck here like this, now
Your ghost haunts our old bedroom
Comes and goes like vapor
Or a cloud of dust - yeah, more like dust
Settled over my life

And no matter how much dusting
How much cleaning or primping
Or moving that I do,
You will never truly be gone - no,
You will never truly leave

Because this house - room is haunted
Haunted by the one thing that
Will never truly go
It's you, it's always been you - phantom,
Ghost of could have's and almost's

Whole again
Broken again
Lost?
Found?

Smile again
Frown again
Lies?
Truth?

Laugh again
Cry again
Hurt?
Help?

So many
Different
Feelings
I can't
Remember
Which is good
And which is bad.

All I know is
The bad always comes back.


I can't wait for the good to return.

I miss the
Innocent love I used to bear
For my life
And it's virility

Alas, a new emotion
Has taken it's place
One I'm not sure
I can live with

But ah, how the days must
Go on in waves
Each
A more bitter cold
Than the last

I fell in love with the dark of the mountains
And the lights in the October sky.

I wish I could feel it
That deep longing pain
To fall in so deeply
Like drops of the rain
I'll feel it someday
Though I fear I will not
A happy thereafter
May not be my lot
I wish I could hold him
So warm and so sweet
But I guess I must wait
For the day that we meet
I wish I could feel
The soft brush of a kiss
I've not earned it yet
But so I will wish
My heart spins in circles
I wish he were here
Heart flying and pounding
As he drew ever near
Alas I shall wait
For my fairytale end
My heart is now broken
But soon it shall mend

I walked in this morning,
The people spoke
The bell rang
I got to my seat
The oven is on
The lights flicker to brightness
And he begins to speak
He
Teacher
Magister
The king
Of the classroom
Smells
Waft through
Across my nose
Drifting
Into my nostrils
Sweet release
From the hell
So many sounds
Too many sounds
It's too loud
I can't hear
I can't feel
Stop
Stop!
Help me
I can't
Can't
Can't...

Who are you
To text me
Call me
Message me

Get my hopes up

Thinking it's him
Him

I fell in love with that
Calm smile
Happy
And content

I fell in love with those
Long
Smooth fingers
Intertwining with my own
And my heart

I fell in love with
Long talks over the internet
Tight hugs when I see you again

I fell in love with
His eyes
Bright
And dark
Knowing
And innocent

I fell in love with him
*And I hate myself for it.

Who are you
Behind that profile picture
That is not you

Who are you
Behind those words that pour
Like blood from your fingers to the keyboard

Who are you
Behind your angry insults
A mendicant of mercy.

Which begs the question:
Who am I behind my picture
And my words
And my angry insults?

I don't know who I am.

People say I worry too much.
Don't trust enough.

But if I stop
If I use blind trust

I'm scared that I might
Become
That girl.

The one who only cares for herself.
The one who hates
Hates everyone else.
.
.
.
And then where would I be?

I love
My God
Because when I am upset
And depressed
And angry
Sinful
Sad
And a swirling
Swirling tornado
Of emotions

And I say to Him,
"God, save me, I'm drowning"
He saves me.

And when life is so dim that I can't
See
A foot in front of me
And I am falling fast
Through the dark
I can feel
Feel His arms
Bearing me up
Wrapping me up
In the most comforting
Life-giving
Hug imaginable.

Will I ever be OK?
This loneliness always stays
Their lips constantly say
"Darling, you will be OK"

I don't believe what they say
Because I am not OK
And it gets worse day to day
I will never be OK

Will I ever be OK?
Beasts of lonely want to stay
I wish they'd just go away
I just want to be OK

Like a never ending day
Lonely 'gain comes out to play
So to God allmight' I pray
Please don't let the lonely stay.

I just want to be OK.

There's so many things
I just can't express
There's So many pressures
I'm under duress

There's so many thoughts
That I can't put to sound
But the silence they speak
It grows oh so loud

So many pieces
Of my shattered heart
I can't put together
What's fallen apart

I'm feeling so cold
Like the darkness creeps in
Entangling its branches
On something within

I feel so alone
I'm surrounded by life
But the road I walk on
Is the edge of a knife

There's a silence here
The screams, they grow louder
They fester inside me
Like sparks in gunpowder

I can't see the light
I think I've lost my way
The world is much darker
Than it was yesterday

And as my mind breaks
The days grow darker still
I've lost what heart I had
I've lost all of my will

Will to fight, to love,
My will to linger on
That my life were a breath
That once breathed out was gone.