It is so easy to pick on yourself
but so hard to pick yourself up
I realised this not long ago after long times of endless hammering smashes on my bare soul
even my body so scarred that maybe I looked more like a chopping board after all
I never let myself have chances to let the parts grow together and see that flowers
do indeed bloom from my depths within
Instead I continued to **** the monsters and demons I thought I consisted of
but in reality I was just harming myself; an awful sin
I always believed that destroying myself was what was needed to be done
and I deserved this pain of never being able to stand on my two feet
I had come to believe what I was told by many, that my two feet do not have the strength they need
So I never walked and never ran
I always stood still or crawled along while letting them get weaker ever since I began
I don't understand and realise when I began to notice that my ways were terribly wrong
I never understood or realised that I had wasted years that forever now will be gone
But I do understand and realise that I finally have been blessed to see
That I do not exist to survive, but simply to live and be me

You are very quiet, are you okay?
Those are the words you might say
I will nod because of your worried face
I will not burden you with my own maze

Because you see, I got a labyrinth inside my twisted mind
and once you get in, the exit is impossible to find
I do not want to burden your wonderful thoughts
by transferring you my inky spots

Just because I have more than some
and less than others
does not mean my happiness depends on them
My happiness is entirely my own
Mine to be responsible for
Mine to take care for
and mine to water so it can grow
My surroundings may affect it, but it is always me to decide
When will I water it? Is there even water here?
Does it need more sunlight to get strength?
Am I being cruel to my own needs?
What am I willing to sacrifice?
Do I sacrifice my happiness or do I sacrifice my comfort zone?
Watering it without making any decision
slowly killing myself because I might take it too lightly
The needs of stepping out of my circle of comfort
Stepping out to a life full of air to breathe and new fears to defeat
But yet here I sit in the dark, continue to water my needs
with water so brown it might only poison me
Knowing I could do better but not knowing how to proceed

I noticed that
even if I get drunk
it doesn't stop my thoughts
So I might think when I'm in the crowd
sorrounded by people
laughing
shouting
just plain having fun without being fully aware
but as soon as I am alone in the bathroom
and I stare into my reflection I realise
I can't run away from my mind

”You need to learn how to love yourself
You keep stomping on yourself like you were a bug that freaked you out
You point your fingers at yourself
Seriously why would you do that to yourself, do you know how stupid it is?
Why do something others easily can do to you, why would you waste your time on that
You're never going to become of anything if you never let yourself grow
If you keep saying that you can't, you're again wrong
Because even flower seeds are strong enough to break the paved roads and bloom
Do you think they give up because it is difficult?
Yes, it is unfair that you happened to be planted under a thick pavement like those flowers were
but if you don't keep on trying you will never bloom”

Silence is also an answer
but I don't speak the language of the quiet
and it worries me because maybe I should

I had been walking for quite a while
It felt so nice, to once be moving without the fear
But I had yet again been walking on a cloud
Not even love could save me from the massive amounts weighing me down

I'm falling down again

I so often wonder what will become of me
If the ground will hurt me less when I reach it this time
But I know the pain will be as great as it always is
Not even my comforting thoughts can protect me from the ache I feel inside

I'm falling down

I want go back to the temporary happiness
Wanting to turn around mid air, wondering how cats do it
Of course I can't do such a thing
Not even a cat could turn to land safely on its legs from this fall

I'm falling

I see it getting closer and my denial grows
I feel myself losing ground before my body even reaches it
Why am I always such a fool to believe
Not even I could wake me from this nightmare that I seem to have gotten stuck in

I'm -

I've fallen.

The road lantern is a burdened spirit
I have seen it taking its walks
through the park, down the streets
sometimes I wonder if it will never come back
but it does
it wanders back at dawn , returning to its place
I think it is looking for someone
but what do I know about a road lantern

I am so tired of people who don't listen
When I talk you only look for the words
that can be related to the things you already wanted to say
you are like a loaded gun, which only fire out the bullets already put in
Stop talking to me if you only ask
with the intentions to reply
and not simply listen

I am so done with the friends who call you up
about problems, which they think they need help with
that they also mostly do
but in their heads they already found sense like paths, which they will strictly follow no matter what road signs they meet on their ways
Why do you call me to tell me the same thing you told me 10 times already, when you know the advices I gave you by now
This is not a game
Stop wasting my time, if you want my help please take it
it's right there
Don't ask if you already made up your mind

I do not have time for friends who text you about fun
that you are not invited to but somehow they say it's going to the best time of their lives and they are sorry that they can't bring you with them
because apparently you're told the people would not like you
Please do not tell me where you are going if you don't want to bring me along since I know I will be the one sitting with you afterwards when you are crying because the people at that party suddenly didn't want to talk to you anymore
I am not somebody you can ditch and then casually without shame crawl back to when you get bored another place
I can get bored of you too

Insults and excuses
are not something I can use for anything
I am fine being by myself sorrounded by only me
because I am capable of handling the term "lonely"
since it was what I've always been - even around you.

I have been told by so many that I explain myself so well
That my sense of understanding is so great that they are proud to tell me
It is good that I can understand so well
But what does this do of good for me
If I can't ever understand what others want of me
I always misjudge the situations
And think that something is going good when really I am just stepping on landmines
Pretending the flying limbs are flowers floating in the air
How can I not see that If I am so good with understanding?
I am beginning to doubt if I am ever going to be happy
Because all the happiness I ever had was created illusions in my head
like a puppet on a string I forced myself to dance joyfully throughout a life; that I did not even enjoy
A big smile on my face after everytime I cry
A big laugh though my soul mourns with the sounds of trees breaking in the wind
A hollow feeling of always walking on a path which carries old imprinted footprints from people whom walked here before me
But instead of creating my own I step in theirs; To ignore the fact that my footprints are taking this journey alone when others have been accompanied on theirs

Beginning the journey on fixing myself
not that I am broken
but I need to be fixed
optimised, updated, restored.
I am not broken, I just realised I have been living as an old version
and there's been this update which has been declined and ignored for some time
**But I am now finally ready to accept.

Sometimes I just get so angry
I am the storms and thunder of planet Earth
Evolving into lava erupting volcanos and leaving cities to dust and silence
As if my screams were tsunamis flooding the world to an end
It only ever damages my beating heart

Sometimes I just get so sad
I am the rain falling on the brokenhearted harbor
which everyday deals with the bipolar pattern of the tides
As if I am a neverending fall and my way of turning the greys to emptiness
It only ever damages my wandering soul

Sometimes I just feel too much
As if my insides burn and I keep pouring alochol on the fire
Sometimes I just feel nothing at all
As if I have become nothing and I will continue to forever float between time and space

If only my soul would wander to the rescue of my heart's beat

My mind is a mess.

And I am to blame for letting you in.

Words form but they make no sound.
Their shapes bump into one another, just when I'm about to understand.
They change.
They become a part of the rest.
Cluttering up my mind.


You came into my life.

And like a tornado you were brutal and forceful.

Your words sweeter than any other poison.
I let you in despite the feeling in my gut, telling me to run away.
You changed me.
I became someone else.
A person I don't understand.


I saw myself fall apart.

And just like that I was nothing but broken pieces of a person.

Foolishly I let you back whenever you decided to return.
You were the only remedy holding the pieces together, and yet apart.
You continued to disappear.
The lies became longer.
Revealing a truth.
A truth I didn't want to believe.


Now your poison is a part of me.

And with the poison came the addiction with no quick fix.

You were the one who called the shots.
You decided when I would get my sweet poison, the satisfaction that slowly killed.
I no longer am.
I am a ghost of a person whom used to be.
A hollow shadow.
A shadow that follows your twisted love to survive.
A love that was never real.

A love that has left my heart twisted.