if home is where the heart is
then my home is that run-down movie theater
where we met up again-
the first time in almost a year that I saw your serpentine grin
and heard your heavy laugh;
the first time in almost a year that I felt your more-than-affable embrace.
the first time I ever felt your fragile lips.
I remember how you looked at me,
searched my eyes for a hint of emotion.
I remember how my face turned red,
PDA has never been my kind of thing.
I don’t like to be the center of anyone’s attention
and public places make me sick.
You could say my head’s a little broken
but that’s just the norm for me.
if home is where the heart is
I must be paying emotional rent
because some days, when I’m hungry for misery
I drive past that run-down movie theater
and drown in my memories

your smile fills my heart
like the smoke from this cigarette fills my lungs
and exhaling the smoke is a lot easier
than trying to rid myself
of the safety and comfort of your crooked grin

your eyes, they can’t possibly lie to me
not like mine lie to my mother
when she asks if I’ve done all of my chores
but somehow I find it easier
to take the feeling of deceit
than handle the disappointment in your eyes

and your hands
they tremble when they hold mine
they shake with the **fear of the unknown

People always say things like “why do the good die young” and “good things happen to terrible people”
but in my 17 years of living
I’ve learned that those are just sayings that are used to make people feel better about the terrors of life
they’re just excuses
they’re just reasons to avoid the truth
I’m not a religious woman
but I do believe in a higher power of sorts
you see, my god isn’t the kind of person who allows terrible things to happen and only accepts certain people
my god isn’t a god
(s)he isn’t an untouchable force
my god has feelings
my god has personal interests and my god has sympathy
my god feels for the poor and cares for the wicked
life is filled with a lot of horrible truths
like death
and deception
but life is also filled with a lot of beautiful truths
like new life
and new perspectives
life is a magical thing that everyone on this earth has been gifted with
but one must try to keep in mind
that life isn’t a right, it’s a privilege
and no matter what it throws at you
it’s a gift

and how can you take for granted the things you are entitled to by birth
as a human being, how can you take something so necessary as air for granted
it’s easy when you live a life of “I have the right to be here, this is no privilege”
but sweetie, one day you will realize that your life is not a right but rather it is in fact a privilege
you will understand that the world is not here to be taken advantage of
but rather to be enjoyed for what it is
and when that crazy hippie lady from the house next door tells you that some days you just gotta stop and smell the flowers, listen to her
and if the grumpy old man tells you that you can’t live your life so starry eyed
don’t let it ruin your spirit
I am telling you that life is not something you necessarily deserve
but something that you want
it’s something that has been handed to you in a giant box labeled “handle with care”

let's tak about your hair and how it occasionally covers your eyes,
but only when they're bluer than the ******* sea
because you've released every tear you could possibly hold inside of you

and what about your eyes?
the very ones that allow the sadness to leak from the corners
and drown your entire being in those feelings of miserable satisfaction.

the very eyes that couldn't possibly lie to me,
even when your lips find it quite easy.

Your love was meaningless.

You used to get angry because I hated myself

and I hated the people who hated me.

You used to yell at me for disengaging;

for leaving my body to be somewhere else.

I thought I loved you-

I thought I was in love with you.

But now that I think about it

you were constantly trying to sell your love to me

as if it was a campaign proposition;

as if you were a politician.

I never believed you

and you abused my disbelief.

I slice my flesh to release the blackness

that flows through my veins

and seeps into my cells;

the very cells that make up my entire body,

my entire being.

My momma tells me that cutting isn’t a solution

that all it does is hurt me and the people around me-

the people who love me.

But if the people around me really loved me

they’d understand.

They’s leave it alone.

They’d care.

I release the blackness

So new things can grow.

I want to be as beautiful as a garden of roses.

I want to be a field of flowers for you.

But how pretty is a garden

when everything is dead?

I never once thought that being in love could make sleeping more difficult

But only because I’ve never had to imagine the pain of your absence

when I’m trying to drift to peaceful dreams.

And it was then that I realized that I never experienced peaceful dreams

until I had the pleasure of falling asleep curled up into your beating heart,

and steady breaths.

You have been broken before

and because of that, you may now be wearing an impermeable layer of bitterness.

But she will make you feel as if you tore open your heart to expose your soul because when someone treats you better than you do, invincibility is impossible.

How can you  be invincible when every breath you take, your lungs feel like they're filled with ice

and every time she says your name, it hurts more than the blood leaving your veins

but only because she can't hear how lovely her voice is

When someone treats you better than you do

you will no longer hurt because of your demons

but you will hurt because she’s being drowned in her own.

You will no longer think of ways you can die without people noticing

but about how you can’t die because she will notice.

Because of her, your bitterness has been shattered.

Because of her, you are learning to be human again.

I only tell the truth.

Addictions are easy to kick.
No more blades means no more blood which means no more weakness.
Avoid it at all costs.
Don’t talk about it
Don’t think about it
Don’t look at it
Avoid it at all costs.
Kick the habit and move on.

Pain is easy to forget.
Forget the pain, forget the sadness.
Distract yourself at all costs.
Do NOT remember the cause
Do NOT let it fester
Do NOT let it resurface.
Distract yourself at all costs.
Forget the pain and quit suffering.

I am a liar.

I was always very sure of myself as a child
I believed I was untouchable
Invincible
Indestructible
I used to believe I was never tired and that when I yawned
I did it simply because I could.
I was never tired and as a result of this I never slept.
Not sleeping for most people means no energy
but for me the energy was endless
3
4
5
6 years-old
I can distinctly remember sitting in my first grade class in elementary school.
I was always so distraught by the fact that no one else wiggled and squirmed in their seats.
I thought they were the weird ones.
I remember being pulled from class and into a tiny room filled with monitors and computer screens and lots and lots of headphones.
I was so deeply confused.
It was that day that they labeled me as the weird kid.
It was the next day that they labeled my weirdness.
I never really thought it would change me
in fact I never really thought about it at all
I just woke up and took my pills like I was supposed to
I pretended to be normal
But as a 7
8
9
10 year-old girl, you can only handle so much at once.
I began to be afraid of everything and everything made me angry
I would throw and punch and kick and scream-
Boy, would I scream.
No one ever heard me the way I needed to be heard.
11
12 year-old girls are now able to “think for themselves”
or at least that’s what I was taught.
I was now able to experience the world through my rose colored glasses and man, lemme tell you how beautiful it was. I wanted to be my own person.
Now by the time I was 13, I realized that I had ways to take away the pain that I had. I learned how to steal cigarettes and sneak *****
And then I learned how to drag a blade across my skin.
14 years-old I was seeing the world through my very own blood red lenses and, my oh my, I thought it was great
But as mature as I was, i had never heard the word “dependency” before
and I had no clue what it was
but I’ll be ****** if I told you that I wasn’t dependent on that silver little friend of mine.
My momma began to notice the little tally marks under my sleeve and as it progressed and I obsessed
she became depressed.
I was later checked into a rehabilitation center
but once was not enough.
No one heard me loud enough yet.
2
3
4
5
6
7 stays in various psychiatric hospitals to fix this problem
to fix my dependency
to fix my head.
and the things I’ve learned would blow you away.

As a child, I was always very sure of myself.
that was nearly 16 years ago
and I have since lost every bit of confidence that itty bitty me had
But as the months move on
and as I try to remain strong, well

I can now see that I am now a fully indestructible me.