i watch from afar
all my old friends having fun and growing without me
some remember my ghost
but others have no recollection that i even existed

all those pictures
remind me of the times i had
this comforting sadness

im happy to see my old friends
yet here i am
half the world away
watching from a distance,
as they make new friends and new memories.

i can't go back,
but i can't seem to move forward.

so here i lay
me and my friend sadness.

heart aching
breaking
everytime you leave me on read.

i know you're busy,
but i remember a time
when you'd reply within seconds.

did i mess this up?
what happened?

and

can we please go back to those summertime dreams?

leaving everything behind
has been torturing my mind
for what feels like forever

some days i want to stay an eternity
and never let go of these things
and other days,
i just want to fly away and get it over with.

yet here i am
standing still
watching,
waiting,
as the clock keeps ticking by
in wait for that day to come.

i crave love so badly,
the soft touch of a hand on mine,
sweet eyes gazing into my soul.

yet, i fear it.

every guy who shows interest
is repaid with silence and distance.
though i might feel the same,
the prospect of love scares me.

i long for the body i used to have.
strong and fierce.

obsessing over my weight
and the food i consume
comes far too easily.

can't be mentally stable and healthy,
can't be happy and healthy.

no solution.

they all tell me
i'm soft,
calm,
a peaceful presence,
someone to turn to for comfort,
a shoulder to lean on,
a warm hug,
selfless,
inviting,
deep,
happy,
and so much more that i only get a glimpse of
once in a million moments.

that desperate cry in the night,
so soft nobody noticed.

one for safety,
liberation from nightmares,
freedom from the pain.

crawling out of bed,
only to see the sun decided
not to shine today either.

she knows her Father is out there,
but she can't feel Him there anymore.

she can't feel the hope,
the light shining through the darkness.

a hope she clung to so tightly
just days before,
is nowhere to be seen amongst the agony.