i remember you saying small things
so small
they could've gone unnoticed
by so many people

"i should just die right now,"
you said
and people laughed
and said
"me, too,"

i remember my heart
skipping a beat
when i saw
the darkness
underlying your words
and the grey
colouring your tone

i remember smiling
and laughing it off
because i knew
you didn't want to talk about it
but my mind
was racing
racing to stop
the clouds from taking over you

racing racing r a c i n g

but not fast enough

i remember my heart stopping
when i saw
the pills
1
2
3
...
... ...
32

all gone
down your throat

i remember crying on the phone
for the first time in a long time
to someone else
begging
begging them to go over
and check on you

i remember cabbing down
at 1.02am
not quite sure
how to feel

i remember you throwing up
28
4 left in you

thank god thank god t h a n k  g o d

i remember that night
being a night
full of morbid jokes
because you didn't know how else to cope

i remember laying beside you
3 people on a thin mattress meant for 2
but neither of us cared
because you were breathing between us

i remember you
a year ago
saying that people never stay with you
can i be your constant?
can i be the friend to stick by you?

i remember so many things
about you
and
i never want to see the day
where the only way i can see you
is to remember you

it's only after you leave
that I start to see you everywhere

I see you in the empty cups
hanging on the stand
I see you in the toothbrush
stiff from neglect
the ukulele you used to play
and the books that you read

I see you in the empty chairs
at the dinner table
I see you in the sunset
that we used to watch together
the ****** TV shows
that you watched and cried over

on hot humid summer days,
I sit and reminisce
what could've been
and what will never be

if this is what it's like to see
I wish it happened sooner
it seems that I was blind
when you were here

i thought you trusted us. i thought you decided to let us in after so long. and i know that it's not really your fault, that's it's the work of your illnesses. but i can't help but be affected. by the way you suddenly decided to leave us out of your life.

what did i do to you? apart from coming to meet you when you were down, when you were in pieces. comforting you and being there for you. and even though i know that by blocking so many people you hoped to cover up your tracks, and that you didn't mean to hurt me, it still hurts in the end.

it is cold seeping in my bones
and hot air on a summer's day
it is warm excitement and carefully calculated disinterest:
all at the same time

it is confusion,
joy and resignation,
mixed together in a melting ***
made of the last rays of hope filtering in

maybe turn your back
on the glaring light of day
these things could wreck
your mind and make it fray

bile and venom line your lips
a wall you throw up with your tongue
spit it out, make a rip
in the world that stung

and i swear to god that it's nothing really
just a little thought
niggling in the back of my mind
i really ought not to pay attention to it
to let the seed die before it blossoms
rapidly and uncontrollably
bringing undescribable pain and joy
trepidation and sunshine mixed together
in a steel *** simmering over a smouldering fire
but the smallest thing brings out
huge reactions that are uncalled for and in the end i'm still too afraid and too unsure
about everything to address the issue

and so, i swear to god, that it's nothing really
even though my heart breaks a little bit everyday
even as pink touches my cheeks and refuses to leave
even as everything churns in my brain in wild circles

it's nothing, really

war is
behind glass
a silver screen
composed of pixels

war is
in movies
muted bombs,
a silent scream

war is
a newsflash
on twitter,
about a country
far, far away

war is
insignificant
easily dismissed

for us.

but for them,

war is losing everyone they love
war is hiding with bated breath
war is a constant ache in their bellies
war is a bleeding throat
war is not being able to protect
war is breathing dust tinged with dried blood

it's not knowing whether the person in front of them will see tomorrow
it's the feeling of ruin when they see their house go up in smoke
it's the taste of blood when they bite their tongue to stop from screaming

war is praying to be able to see the sun rise again the next day

war is not a silver screen
not pixels dancing
not a link on their newsfeed

war is real.

will you still write for me
stories that spin whole new worlds
each character a dew drop
on an intricate web of lies

tell me a story of friendship and love
of bravery and courage
of chivalry that hasn't died
and of loyalty that shines bright

do you still care enough
to write a story for me?
something with starry-eyed princesses
and handsome knights
galloping horses and fearsome dragons

i wonder whether
those dragons get lonely
when they're misunderstood to be the evil
that the gallant knight subdues
what if
the knight was really the one
with a soul black as ash
brandishing a sword that would earn him glory
and a future in which the princess would be enslaved
by his treachery?

unsung stories of rowdy soldiers
creeping nights
and boisterous days
i want to hear them all

will you still write for me
even when i have stopped listening?
will you continue
to strive for a better world
with your words and ink-stained fingers?

do you
still care enough to write?

When the most encouraging words fall
from between the lips of those whose friendships are transient
it's pretty **** confusing

When the most hurtful words lash out,
barbs on a tongue from the people who are supposed to love you
you live your world upside down
without even realising

You walk down streets with the signs
written backwards
intentions muddled and hidden from sight

You pace rooms, with windows that stretch
from the ceiling to the floor, doors shorter than a toddler
seeing everything with no way out

Seeing everything that other people have
and you don't
seeing things that could've been so simple
yet too complicated to obtain

Wanting things that aren't yours but could've been

If only everyone put in a little more effort
if only everyone put their pride away
if only everyone could accept that this family
has fallen
a p a r t

and that the time to fix it
has long passed

i was frozen in fear that i had broken your trust, and that the number of times i said sorry wouldn't be enough even though you said it was okay

she was caught up with friends
more lively than she
more than charmed,
she tagged along with glee

life was like bubbly champagne
sweet and fizzy
elegance and with a bit of bite
there simply wasn't anything more she could ask for

she was caught up with friends
more daring than she
more than charmed,
she tagged along with glee

adrenaline sweet as a sugar rush
coursing through her veins
she closed her eyes against the wind,
powerful and empty

doubt niggled at her heart
a small worm in an apple
shaking her to the core
perhaps she should stay gone?

she was caught up with friends
more twisted than she
swept up in a whirlwind,
she was no longer free

i don't live for the rush of excitement
the fleeting taste of sweetness
or the sharp twinge of my nerves

i don't live for the thought of you
clouding up my head everyday
one more memory away
from seeing you again

i don't live for the bitter moments
that crowd my life
numb, unfeeling events
that make me question myself at night

i don't live for a lot of things
and i don't want to live by your rules
so why do i find myself desperately
so desperately
trying to please you?

if you leave someone behind
be it emotionally
or physically
time will never stop
for the relationship between the both of you

if you leave someone behind
cobwebs,
along with insecurities,
will invade and cloud the
space between you

if you leave someone behind
animosity will be left to fester,
like an infected wound
ignored and screaming

if you leave someone behind,
you are missing the joy in their faces
when they fall in love
under the stars,
bathing in pale moonlight
that cleanses their heart of hurt

if you leave someone behind
and then come back one day,
the look on her face isn't going to be radiant
confusion, hurt, anger,
and regret
may make her unreadable
and you sour

if you leave someone behind
you may come back
to someone different
from the person you left behind

if you leave someone behind
you are giving them
your blessing
to leave you behind

it’s like when all you want to do is be happy and get through life being happy and old memories kick you in the gut so hard that all you can think of is leaving the country and never coming back.

never coming back to the faces that will only remind me of what can never be undone never coming back to face the facts never coming back to trauma to regret and to shame shame and more shame

and the worst feeling is knowing that no one will ever understand and always being too afraid to tell anyone and will anyone ever be trustworthy enough to be able to keep my secrets or will this go to the grave with me and die there

no justice nothing but blood and dirt and the pain in my eyes and-

it’s unfair when you have a good night and then the night turns sour in the blink of an eye and suddenly you’re not basking in warmth but drowning in cold loneliness and icy guilt and dirt and dirt and so much dirt and i can’t breathe and i will never trust anyone enough

and it’s okay being alone is okay i’m okay will be okay take a deep breath will be okay life will be okay it’s over and i can forget this i will be okay even if i’m not i have to be okay

how are you?
have you been eating?
have you been feeling alright?

ever since that quiet night you turned your back
a silhouette i will never forget
contact with you has been strained
laced with anger and awkwardness
unspoken accusations that turn the taste
of all your food bitter
no wonder you haven't been eating

i'm so sorry that i wasn't stronger
that i couldn't protect you
i'm sorry for making that promise
that i would never leave you
because like the ******* that you've met before
that day of 1.02am, i happened
to take my leave
slowly slipping into the night
opposite of the direction you took
in seek of the sun
while you, delved deeper into the forest

you look tired
you look tried
you look like you could take a pill or two
don't
don't do it.
you've been strong thus far
don't let it win again.

throw your bottles away
pick up your phone
call him to your side
in the end he's the only one
right now who will be there
for you because i left you
i'm so sorry i left you

kinda wanna go home and shop mindlessly, let the dull clicking of my mouse be my zen and then regret it when the high wears off

kinda wanna go for a walk that never ends and let my feet bleed through my unlaced sneakers and stain the sidewalk

kinda wanna dye my hair blue, and maybe the colour will turn my fingers into tiny smurfs and make me less boring and more worth noticing

kinda wanna sleep until my brain gets tired of itself and shuts down forever

kinda wanna let go,

but kinda wanna live too

dear mum,
i don't know when we drifted apart. it was probably eons ago when i was 7 or 8. ten years down the road and we haven't gotten any closer. do i regret not spending more time with you? not really.

i haven't been the best child. i've lied. a lot. i've broken your heart. a lot. and i've done things that you've told me not to. a lot.

i've learnt many things from you.

i've learnt to treat people the way you want to be treated. i've learnt to be sensitive of other people's feelings. and i've learnt to be kind. from you i have learnt how to care and be selfless. from you, i have learnt how to be a good person.

but i have learnt not so good things from you as well.

i've learnt to stay out of things because it's too tiring to get involved. i've learnt never to stand up for my future child when my husband is calling her useless trash. i've learnt that lying is the only way i'll ever be able to do what i want. i've learnt that if i ever want to divorce i should do it instead of hanging on for more than a decade and feeling miserable, the way you did. and still are doing.

i've learnt that the way to raise a child, is to provide for them physically then not to give a **** about their feelings.

love,
your unfilial daughter


hello dad,
it's been a while since i've ever felt any affection towards you. i think it ended the moment you started calling me idiot and useless trash. and when you ripped my dreams into shreds and forced me into the academic school of your choice.

i love how we cannot get along together without arguing at least twice a week. i love how you call me fat and compare me to my friends. i love how you have never praised me ever since i was 9 years old.

i love how you think that i still love you, when i don't.

in some twisted way you say that you love me, yet you continue to make me feel like the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. i love how you have never put 2 and 2 together to realise that the main reason why i'm always out of the house is so that i don't have to see you.

i love how dense you are. i absolutely, absolutely love how you told me my dreams are useless. i adore how you take out your anger on me, and how you never say sorry. and how you think that fat jokes are just jokes and that your insults are not hurtful.

i love how you think that with parental status, you can overwrite anything your child thinks. i love how you have taught me that the moment i become a parent, my child must do whatever i say and that i am always right, because parents set the rules. parents are gods.

you have taught me well.

-your useless trash of a daughter

and it’s on nights like these when hope seems futile, when the air seems heavy and the weight of everything sits on me like I can’t breathe without imploding. when I walked alone in the dark and the warm yellow glow from the street lamps illuminated my every step and I took solace in the little lizard staring at me from its perch on the wall. my movements become sluggish and all of a sudden I seem to lose patience and passion for everything because there’s absolutely nothing I can do about things that are set for failure, and the night air seems sticky with apprehension and my fingers itch to dig into something. to scratch something out with permanence to see actual, solid results.

and it’s on nights like these when I find my thoughts drifting into darker streets, with every doubt clouding my path. when even friends and happy memories seem more like distant street lamps that manage to cast more shadows than bring light. when I find solace in being anonymous in crowds, bearing the curious stares of people who will never know me. on nights like these, the wind blows hot and cold at the same time, and I stare at regrets carved into skin. and all of a sudden, I find myself adding on to a marred canvas and it’s infinitely more comforting and stuffed full of guilt at the same time.

and it’s on nights like these, when I just crawl into bed quietly and end the day with a whimper.

it's 2.32am and i'm sitting alone in my room cramming advert notes into my brain for the exam barely 12 hours away
i can't remember anything, but it doesn't matter. i'll cram anyway, since it's the only thing i can do now
i've cracked open a fresh can of redbull for this ****, and i'll take it one step at a time
the raw panic when i thought about having to remodule was stark and completely gripping just a couple of hours ago
now, i have reached this zen-like calm and i'm not quite sure whether to be worried that i'm being distracted by the thin girls i see on tumblr

my stomach growls. i ignore it. it's far too late to eat. the can of redbull i'm having is already 159.75 calories
159.75 calories too many
i have never been good with numbers, i once scored 0/65 for a math test 2 months before my gce o levels
but for this, i will count
i will count like how ebenezer scrooge did. with great precision and scrutiny
i was never good enough for you. i never will be. but if there's something i can control in my life, i will make it this

less is more,
and i, will always be too much.

yesterday, I watched, as you fell apart
bit by bit,
emotions aching in the scars found on my ankles and your wrists
yesterday, I listened, when she told me that she had her mother's freckles,
and she closed her hand around the phantom grip of someone
who had already left
yesterday, I couldn't breathe, while I lay in bed,
thinking of people who didn't deserve all the hurt that they were feeling
yesterday, I was a useless friend
who couldn't be there
for anyone because I
wasn't strong enough

today, you texted me
saying that you're no longer clean
and I broke inside
because I was so afraid that one day
the hospital halls you walked the other day
would become the halls that I would walk
if you let the pain consume you

I asked you to be strong
I asked you to promise me to never
make my nightmare come true
but you couldn't.

my nose tastes sour
and my tears feel hot
when will i
stop carving
reassurance
into my
skin?

I like cracking the spines of books and smelling the mustiness in its pages. I like how the lines run down the leather binding when I bend it backwards. I like how it falls open to a certain page when I flip it open, highlighting my favourite passages.

It's like I shaped this book. This object here, was influenced by me. And if I'm not able to make a big impact in this world than at least I know that I've changed something from the creases left in the covers and wrinkles in the papers.

it's been a while since i've seen you, and it's also been a while since i've thought about you
it feels like when you were away thoughts of you just seemed to slowly fade, although the words never did
but how funny is it that one day back, i meet up with you and suddenly everything comes rushing back
and it's somewhat confusing and overwhelming at the same time

but you know what it's okay
i won't be with you anyway
because i'm not the one for you
and you are definitely not the one for me
and maybe this attraction thing is normal for people who will never be
even though it's frustrating
even though hope may sometimes bud
it will never take root and grow into
something solid
substantial
real

i'm okay with it because being around you is enough for me
your mind is what i love,
and admiring it from afar is more than anything i could ever ask for
thank you for being my friend
and thank you for being the one to make me feel

and I couldn't help but feel ice slowly gripping my heart
when you said
"i love her more than you,"
and this has been a fact that i've known for eons but
it still hurt to hear it from you

the person we once spent so much time together with
the one with whom we broke off from and
the person who we have now forgiven (or have I?) and
welcomed back amongst our ranks
this calls for a celebration so why
why am I so reluctant to celebrate and why am I so scared?

do you ever have moments when
you see people who are better than you
whose works move you so much
that the only thing you can do is to
sit in silence and contemplate
and cry

this isn't the first time i've ****** up and this won't be the last time i **** up
but that won't stop me from feeling incredibly ****** everytime something like this happens
because i know
that it's my fault
and one of the worst feelings out there is breaking someone's trust and not knowing how to put it back together

it's not so bad,
being alone that is
once your mind and soul
has turned numb
your body will follow
and it becomes okay

so when you ask me whether i'm lonely
i guess it would be accurate
for me to say yes and no
but it's okay really
i don't need pity and your useless love
because love doesn't get you through life in the end

you should try it some time
if you ever experience
something painful
come join me
in a shell of your own

we will sing the songs of past times
bright pink tinged with cold blue
and it will stop hurting for you
over time
when you become as numb as me

then you will see
that it's better to be lonely
than to be afraid

it's confusing, and I often don't know what to make out of it
Maybe I never paid enough attention to these kind of things growing up
Maybe i just **** at telling things
Maybe I just should shut the hell up and stop jumping to conclusions that shouldn't affect me even if they were true

i really ******* hate it when i pick up the last slice of pizza and you make a sound of alarm
as if the idea of me ingesting another slice would be the last straw,
and i would balloon up into an obese monster

i really ******* hate it that you say, "i only had one slice of pizza,"
as if because i've eaten a slice more than you means that i'm a ******* pig

i really ******* hate it how you didn't even notice that i didn't eat anything else apart from that
you had a hugeass bowl of pasta and pizza and you still made me feel like trash, like i ate mountains more than you did, when i only had 2 slices

i really ******* hate how you made me have issues with myself

the summer she turned 21,
she met him for the first time

with his promises of new
beginnings and sanctuaries
that she had always dreamed
of, it was no wonder she was
****** in so quickly
enamoured by all that he was

oh she had flirted with him
so many times before,
when times seemed bleak
he was always her release
in her search for something
new

so many told her
"leave him behind," for he
was bad news. they disliked
his promises, veiled with
consequences black as
midnight, black as the shawl
she wore to her father's funeral

but he was tempting
yes, he was, with eyes
that beckoned, carefully
allowing her a glimpse
of the galaxies behind them
dark galaxies that ******
her soul right into them

so she relented, allowing
herself to be drawn in
finally sinking into
his arms, sighing against
his cold unmoving chest
his stiff arms and his
lifeless eyes

the summer she turned 22,
they found her smiling
in the arms of death

loving someone with mental issues isn't poetic, or romantic
hell, it's the opposite of that. it's running down to her house at 1.02am in the morning wondering whether she's still breathing
it's anxious crying when she won't text you back because you don't know whether you've lost her
over the slightest smallest things
in everyday things you start to see the things that trigger her
you look out for them
so that you can steer her away
when she doesn't talk to you
you panic because you don't know how she's doing how she's faring whether she's okay whether she's going to be okay from then on.
loving someone with mental illnesses is not easy
it gets tiring

so stop romanticising it.
i see things everywhere on tumblr, on social media,
images full of soft greys and inky blacks
paragraphs that romanticise these things
these ugly things that no one should ever want to feel
are being preached to the public as

'deep'
'mysterious'
'alluring'

*******.

stop doing this stop doing this it's wrong it's so wrong it needs to stop
think about your friend
dying inside, then choosing to die for real
because of these things
are these things really beauiful????
ARE THEY????
NO.
THEY'RE ******* HORRENDOUS.
SO
STOP. ROMANTICISING. MENTAL ILLNESSES.

thank you.

will I still be remembered under the blare of lights that flood the field, a lone silhouette amongst a hundred others. will I still be able to stand out, a dull worn rag chafing against pastel silks. will I be worth something, even if I try my hardest not to trip and fall in this marathon. will I stand tall like a tree in the middle of a wheat field or will I be fragile as the painting of the moon from its rays upon the glassy canvas of a lake.