i remember you saying small things
so small
they could've gone unnoticed
by so many people

"i should just die right now,"
you said
and people laughed
and said
"me, too,"

i remember my heart
skipping a beat
when i saw
the darkness
underlying your words
and the grey
colouring your tone

i remember smiling
and laughing it off
because i knew
you didn't want to talk about it
but my mind
was racing
racing to stop
the clouds from taking over you

racing racing r a c i n g

but not fast enough

i remember my heart stopping
when i saw
the pills
1
2
3
...
... ...
32

all gone
down your throat

i remember crying on the phone
for the first time in a long time
to someone else
begging
begging them to go over
and check on you

i remember cabbing down
at 1.02am
not quite sure
how to feel

i remember you throwing up
28
4 left in you

thank god thank god t h a n k  g o d

i remember that night
being a night
full of morbid jokes
because you didn't know how else to cope

i remember laying beside you
3 people on a thin mattress meant for 2
but neither of us cared
because you were breathing between us

i remember you
a year ago
saying that people never stay with you
can i be your constant?
can i be the friend to stick by you?

i remember so many things
about you
and
i never want to see the day
where the only way i can see you
is to remember you