And I know one day,
I'll look into her eyes and say,
"I love you"
With body language, with touch,
When the way she laughs becomes too much.

Fingertips like felt rolling over
Stitched feelings of brokenness,
Diamond eyes catch the unraveling
Of confusion into wholesomeness,

I'm mended, I'm alive, and goddamit
I'm swollen with #pride

I never realized how intimate the thrum of music is through a pair of cheap, distorted, BIC headphones. Outside of the drum, the world will peter through crooks and cracks to listen in on whatever is allowed.

That must be why I never noticed how in love I was with this song.
I never knew how to feel until it cornered me,
a wide-eyed listener,
into a vacuum of noises and floating words where just the two of us lingered,
cupped my face so passionately that I can still feel the red etchings burning on my cheek,
and warmly told me what truly felt right.
I hadn't realized that I wasnt listening before.
I think it left an imprint on my soul.


The chorus sang with thousands of tongues
like an ensemble of angels holding small flames in a dark night,
waving with same sentiment that those do at a vigil.
The beautiful clatter was louder than it had ever been before,
yet somehow,
still too quiet for someone a few feet away from me to hear.


And then I looked at you.


And the shallow noises of the world were nothing more than a dull, numb throb.
We -
in this unspoken singularness
- locked eyes for a moment.
Yours widened. I'm sure mine did too.
Goosebumps cascaded down my spine like the fierce tides of a messy waterfall.

Thousands of ideas fired through my mind of what would happen if you and I truly - really actually - had followed through and built a future together.
My synapses roared with desire.
My heart howled,
Stroking the tinder of a waning want that was now rapidly reawakening.
And I, the victim to these chemical emotions, was forced to look at something that was so right but yet, wasn't real.

And as the chorus paraded on like the pulse that was thudding violently beneath my skin, I realized that it was telling me how I really felt all along.

I love you so

It told me what I was feeling before I even knew it.

I love you so

That at the end of the night, you are the last person I want to talk to.

I love you so

That in my dreams, you always find a way to steal the performance.

I love you so

And that I actually am in love with you.

I love you so

My cynicism for what had transpired between us was suddenly nothing more than a passing yellow light, holding together the long silence between us like one holds their breath underwater.
I felt like I was the runner at the Olympics, and someone was telling me to steal the never-ending fire and run as far away as I could with it.
I really wanted to.
I still really do.

I must add, for the sake of conversation, that being alone with you feels kinda wrong.
It feels obtrusive, and it feels as though what shred of innocence it once contained has now been burned with reckless abandon.
It's what keeps me from talking with you until sunrise like before. It's something we knew would happen.
It's a little awkward.

However, it is right. This is not an opinion, it is a fact. You challenge me to grow. You change my mind everytime. I see what you're meant for. I see what you're meant to be. Us together is more right than anything else I've ever known, I'm sure of it.

But all day dreams aside,

The moment I admit that this interaction had any effect on me - that it was leaving my heart squealing in my stomach, more so - is the moment I loose face and everything that I worked for is lost. And I can't do that. I don't know where you are. I can't do that. I can't get hurt.

I love you so

I am in love with you, and I just wanted you to know.

I love you so

Please don't be the one that got away.

And all the street lights at dawn always looked like pinned stars
Hanging low enough for man to touch
Under the pink swallows of sky
Barely loud enough to make me wonder
If God had sewn diamonds in our eyes
When we went into the world
And made it our own

But beneath it all I'm just a child:
Wide-eyed,
Petrified,
And by chance adept at
Hollow construction
And steel walls.

I'm still miserable.

don't get me wrong -
there are pauses, and there are breaks.
there are beams of light, there are glimmers of hope
and there are days where happiness is so golden,
I can practically feel it salting on my tounge,
dancing in my brain
and some small part of me almost begins to believe that
things have changed -
it's going to be better now.

but of course, night is still well and alive,
in it's deathly gloom.
and of course, the petals always plunge through
in a sickening cold snap
and I am brutally reminded that
spring
is just season, not a way of life.

and although the why is given a different name -
boys, alcohol, displacement, bad job -
i find myself surrending to the currents
that is winter days, where sunlight
burns to cold, midnight ash within a few hours.
every few weeks or so, the darkness returns
pinching out the flame that i had spent so much time trying to reignite and
oh, not again.

but again and again, the night falls,
the stars spiraling out of place until
the cold and the heaviness have anchored in my chest
like a yawning need for eternal day -
I'm suddenly left wondering if i should even fight it.

I want to unbutton myself

tick-tick-tick

I want to unzip my mind
And unclick the years
That have settled into memories
Because I love the way you change these things

I want to show you it all
It's self-indulgent, I know
My words turn to clutter
I haven't gotten any older, have I?

"Tell me how to feel about you now -
Let me know!

Do I suffocate or

Let You Go?"

Why do we think we can save eachother?
How would rings dressed in silver,
Whole and ceaseless,
Make us complete?

You can have the skies,
You can have the seas!
You can have the whole **** world,
But you can't have me.

My cat died and from there it only got worse.
I keep doing the things I said I wouldn't do,
Like listen to sad songs
And think about you.

the touch of light on the pavement tells me that you are still here.
you are just a few feet away, bustling among the business of your mind.
you are apart from me by just paper thin walls.
whether that sets me at ease, or sends my heart in frantic sprints for the door -
i do not know.

I wanna listen to you talk all night long

How can I continue to build what we have
If you're so hellbent on deconstruction,

How can I love you
If you keep destroying me.

I know I made an *** of myself
And I know I did ****** things

But I know I'm not a ****** person
I refuse to believe that.

Maybe I'm being prideful or whatever,
I don't care.

I'm not a ****** person.
I don't want to believe that ever again.

The world was pushing me cotton white lillies
But all I saw were rose petals flooding in the breeze.

My kisses were stars in the sky
Never ending, bright as can be
But even those started blinking out,
Flickering like candle light.

Wide eyes stuck on the moon,
*I never could keep my eyes on the road when driving with you.

I wonder about you sometimes -
What happened - where it went wrong -
The metamorphosis.
You spent all those years peering through the looking glass.
The world would bustle around you,
Hell, it could have been embroiled in flames,
But still you'd sit idle,
Unaware of the fat fingers of fire pooling at your toes,
Seeing things about me that perhaps I couldn't even see
(The things you said were always so sweet).

But I think somewhere along the way
The single-star nights
And heaving sobs in the car finally broke you
Something in that lens suddenly cracked,
And you got up from your cave,
And it never occurred to you that when things break
You need to fix them -
No, no, never.
You never looked back,
Almost as if looking through that chipped glass was something beautiful,
Like a mosaic, a kaleidoscope,
Pretending the shards weren't gouged in your eyes,
Shedding blood.

I wonder about you sometimes.
I wonder where your words roll off to now -
Who's pages are they sinking heavy into?
Who's cup are they filling?
Do your fears still make you writhe at night,
And is there some nurse-like shadow of me
To wake you from your nightmares?
I wonder about your kaleidoscope eyes,
And why the ******* don't see things the way you used to.

you and your moodswings
swing dancing, swinging me to the ground,
swing swing swinging

you and your moodswings
make me drink myself to sleep

I fumbled through a description of what I was feeling, with little to no decipherable plot and/or chronology of the events that had happened to me. I picked through the memories and seasons of on and off depression as a child picks through blades of grass absent-mindedly, abstaining from truly feeling and connecting. I was afraid. She knew it. I knew it. My body knew it, and spoke in silent volumes to convey that it did not want to be there. How powerful the human consciousness must be then to override the desire to bolt, finding purpose in the unknown - or perhaps, how invertedly weak to find danger in fifty minutes of in depth conversation.

You were never my thunder -
Loud and bellowing
Sprinting from horizon to horizon
But proof by existence only in the sound
Of your footsteps - angry goodbyes.
You were never rapping against Heaven's gate
Violently, vehemently,
Fist to the earth
Sending the stars rocking in their seats,
And babies shrieking in streets like dominos.
Never once were you the
Rage blasting in the ebony sky,
Exploding with dreams too great,
Memories too loud -
My thunder.
No, no.
Not you.

No, you were the silent slap of light
In twilight's hush.
You landed on all fours, claws etched in the soil
Spewing fire from your fingertips
Every time our skin met.
You sought me out,
The lonely scrap of metal left to rust,
You rattled my fibers
And taught me how to orchestrate warmth
Before I ever knew I could.
You never needed to knock down the doors belligerently
Letting the song birds and howling wolves
Hear about our privacy.
You never needed to - no - never once did I see
The cloud's confetti, and the moon's gaze never needed to be interrupted.
You ignited my currents suddenly, subtly
Ripping through the night for only a moment
Before letting your eyes sink into mine.
You are the mad scribble across the sky, deadly,
Wiping smirks here and there that smudge themselves in pastel shaded sheets.
You break the silence not with voices heard,
But with the electric language of flame -
My lightning.

Today, I am a pirate ship -
My heart, the red and white sails of a head-hardy
*** spilling
Caribbean bound me
With men marooned to a land of
Salty wood and salty seas
Knowing nothing but the sun's devilish smile in
The morning tide
Or an Atlantic storm
Tossing them about like
The horizon's spitballs.

We will brave the whims of now,
The rapid tonight, the slow coming tomorrow
With a voice in the wind saying,
"And I swear to the gold you will find
Or the breast of that distant thing called land
That my fibers will catch the air,
My fabric will not tear.
Unfurl me under cloudless skies
And the charcoal memories of an
Ocean-stripped-to-the-Heaven's-above alike -
I will take you to places you could never even fathom."

The rise and fall of the ocean
Is pushing the air towards my door,
It is scattering it's salty-breath over our skies.
I drink in it while stumbling over parking lots,
Smacking my lips over the enigmatic taste.
I reach for it behind secret alleyways
Never quite tall enough to ****** it anyways.

The rocks are swimming beneath my toes
And I ask myself if I am a body of water -
Is my flesh a rippling mass of liquid, too?
The pale moon will love me, if I am.
With its ivory gaze,
Dancing and turning in its silent ways,
And its tug-o-war under gravity's haze.

I can dance like the ocean,
I can breathe currents, I can exhale rain.
I can swallow the stars when the sun rises,
And I can free them like butterflies,
Diamonds in my eyes,
When night comes again to reclaim the sky.

barefoot on the clouds,
i chased you all the way home -
i'm crazy for you.

This can't just be me,

Can it?

I think of you on airplane flights.
Head in the clouds
Dreaming of home,
The dizziness of touching the sky has gotten to me,
I swear
There was never much air up here anyways.

the silent hum of peace is strumming on my heart.
i turn my head to the sky, freedom on my lips.
the horizon is pink with whimsy, with slumber,
and i think of the mountains in their stoic ways.
i think of you when you fled to the clouds
in their richness, in their roar of rain to come.

it is not a question of will i see you again?
as i close my eyes, a smile creeping forth.
it is not the scars ripping open again as
the tears bleed themselves into life.
the cold shiver of peace is firing through my veins
as dawn breaks, cleansing and free.

it is a knowing peace - i think i love you enough
i think i know - i know that i know
*i will see you again

When they sent us on our way,
They told us the path would always be clear -
Blinded by faith, we listened.
No doubt in mind, we kept on.

Now knee deep in the ghostly twilight,
The stars and the sky have all lost their hue
And the trail has ended.
A howl rises in the night -
*"What has become of this?"

I feel like I've said goodbye a million times -
Emotions often betray facts, so I suppose it's easy to understand
Why you always avoided them.

You still try to hide that I run through your mind
From time to time,
Sometimes all the time.

I think about you too, babe.
Sometimes all the time.

Jamming her fingers into the keyboard,
You would have thought that it was elastic -
You would have thought she was digging into her soul,
Searching for something stronger than this
Broken melody.

The fever blazes on -
I must be somewhat masochistic or something
Because I'm so **** in love with making a fool
Of myself.

Hollywood wails on, naked and lonely without us.

I see a lot there in the future -

I see so much it hurts sometimes.

I can't keep doing this -
Spilling on you like keroscene -
Setting my heart ablaze -
Just for you to feel *okay.

Stitched to the rose thorns,
The petals have all fallen -
And yet you just laugh.

oh, what a carousel it'd be
wedding veils, red roses -
what a carousel it'd be
if i was more than your late night girl.

And so I've learned to swallow it.
The counter arguments. The insults.
The countless times you've done worse.
I could win every argument you throw at me but I won't,
Because I'm hurt over it.
Because I'm enraged.
Because you and your senseless words spell that
No matter what I say, no matter what I do
I am pathetic.
I am the lesser.
I am nothing.
I have learned that victory is tasteless around you
Because I still end up wrong,
Because you never hear me.
You never heard the weight of my emotions,
My anxiety, my OCD, the reason I went on the pills,
The reason why I drink myself to sleep some nights,
The reason why I'm different.
Why bother?
It always falls down the empty void of
"You're too sensitive. You're too sensitive. You're too sensitive."
I have learned to swallow it because I have learned that
You don't want to listen to someone who is burgeoning with emotions no one else knows how to hold.
I am shaking and my throat is burning but I'm not worried
Because I have long since memorized the hellfire of anxiety.
I know the dance of panic attacks step by step.
I know how to laugh it off even though I'm dry heaving in the bathroom stalls because
I know how to ******* endure.

I will swallow this encounter and swallow every insult you hurl at me as this wrong against you keeps rising from the dead
Because even though I'm the devil to you,
You wouldn't have it any other way.

We would find eachother in the mornings
With pine dancing on the still breeze
Dew bursting green, kissing the sky
You and I would talk all night.

Now youre roaming hospital halls,
Flowers clutched under that ghostly pale face
And none of these bustling nurses will tell you where to go
Before the petals whither and die.

I've been treating it like a data analysis -
All the sweet talk is probably just
Memories gnarled.
I have form A, article 17, and reference from
Last weeks lab work -
I need to just let it come
naturally.

Those were the days,
When spring time was everyday,
When every morning was the smell of fresh cut flowers and dew,
When clouds lolled lazy in your eyes
And song birds burst forth like laughter in the sky.

Then you'd called me Peaches,
Or sometimes Peaches and Cream,
And though you used the term sparingly
I could hear the gold in your voice,
Or see the pink in your cheeks,
Back in those pink days.

It was yours, all yours,
And no one else's.

You call me
I am running, ripping through the night
I am running towards you, again and again
I see the smoke rise and I feel my feet move,
Sparks blitzing from my toes.
I am running to hear that I will be free -
You still see through me like hushed glass in a window.

You know that
I am not running to feel your warm touch
I am not running because our hearts are kindling
Though I think I am.
I am running when you snap
Because the flames are dancing once again
And I have yet to realize that

*I am not your fire
I am just your matchbox.

Please restrain me
The sky is too big
But oh, how the sky is too small to be free.
This restless heart is pumping dreams through my veins
They are white, they are clouds, they never stop
Soft and slow, always coming,
Do they ever fully pass through?

Please clip these wings
There's too many cars in the city
So I crave and claw for something blue
I mean, these trees were once young too
How did they satisfy their hunger for something new?
So nourish my roots, clip these wings
Maybe I really just shouldn't be free.

there are blinking lights riding with the stars,
they are casting shadows on the moon.
my blinking lights are locked on the stars,
did you ever wonder if this was all for you?

Is there a ****** orientation guru
And if so,
Could I meet
(Him/Her)
And know why
You turn me every
Which way
Upside down?

and like a broken down carousel,
your expiring love notes
have a way of making my world spin
once again

You are,

And I'm not just saying this,

The most extraordinary person I have ever met.

I thought I was worth a song
A bouquet of flowers, a love letter
But I soon learned that
My curves were just harpoon meat
Drowned under cheers
At the whale sightings

I loved learning that little language of yours
In the midday noon highs
When the sun would tick from golden to red
Setting ablaze to all our study time.
(We rolled down hills in fits of laughter.)

I never could quite catch that accent -
The way you'd allign your stars and rest your pride,
Or shake off my stupid little wrestles
With just the double tap-tap on my thigh.

Your voice is gone now,
Except for howls on the midnight eves.
It soars on winds, lost in tornadoes,
Quick and blitzing on the summer breeze.

I am the skyline,
I'm the night littered with stars;
My shine roars for you.

And it always comes in like a bombshell -
For the next few days the world is whitewashed,
With all the lights incredibly bright
And for a while,
My ears are wringing out all of the
Tumtulous
Noise waves, washing away
Everything but
what's essential to survive.

I am something a spectator, heart spilling with whimsy.
The sky is a carnival, closing its doors all too soon
And I am the last guest standing.
Mouth agape in utterings of wistfulness,
I am dripping in the sort of sun-drunk awe that falls in love with
Spinning lights and
Phantom screams of laughter.

I am between two hands
I am between day and night
I am pushing past the horizon
I am pushing past the sky
Past the darkness over morning
Past the seas and land alike
Past the stars floating, swimming
Oh, how my heart knows the strokes of
Those wheeling, spinning stars.

I guess I'm scared because
When you hear my voice
You don't hear wedding bells calling,
Only empty howls for naked nights.