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Thoughts I Had A Week Ago That Don't Rule Me As Much But Still Sorta Linger
Joy Oct 2017
Thoughts I Had A Week Ago That Don't Rule Me As Much But Still Sorta Linger
I Want You To Meet My Cat.

I Take More Pictures Of Myself Smiling Because Of You.

Also I Told My Mom About You, So It's Basically Official Now.

I Know I Orbit You A Lot Sometimes I Just Can't Stop.

Something About Looking Into Your Eyes Is Different Now.

Looking At You Makes Me Think That Love Is Underrated.
October, 2017

The infatuation is under control but if I get alone with you again, it's gonna explode.
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tickled pink cheeks
Joy Feb 2016
tickled pink cheeks
You are so full of joy -
the kind in youth that spills on to skin in winding ink,
creating the din echo of forever every time
you see your arm in the corner of your eye.

Its a bright sort of joy, like the kind that unfurls itself down isles,
trumpeting and unraveling as a veil
twisted too tight too soon speaks of codependent dreams too softly.
February, 2016
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trashy
Joy Feb 2016
******
I drove you to the gutter.*

Now I'm drowning in the sewage water,
Flailing about,
Stupidily and hopelessly in love
With just a memory of you.
February, 2016
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"Turtles"
Joy Jul 2017
"Turtles"
In the thrilling saga that is
My Neurosis
I have finally decided to
Seek help -
Popping prozac,
Coupled with telling a
Kind woman
About my three hour WebMD purge sessions
And
My deep fear of speaking out loud
For about
Fifty minutes a week.

The next chapter will be titled
"Support Groups: Sitting In a Circle With Strangers As We Compare Our Obessive Spirals on Fears of Death, Fears of Living, and Fixations With Folding Laundry."
This is not as much poetry as it is just ranting about the **** that's going on in my life in a quirky format. Humor is my coping mechanism, just as much as semantics, spoonerism, and creatively enveloping my feelings into a metaphor is - so I suppose that's my *poetry.* Today, I met with a therapist for the first time and told her about my OCD. The eye contact was terrifying and as she told me a bit about herself, I was itching for her or myself to make a joke about my fears, her past, the flowers, *literally, anything.* I sometimes think about how dark this would all sound to someone I know. If any of my friends found this page, they'd be like fucucuckccukckkkkk I thought you were just awkward. Yeah, JOKES ON YOU I'M ACTUALLY MISERABLE LIKE ALL THE TIME haha. Anyways.

I'm working on a slam poetry piece that I want to perform before the medication fully kicks in and I loose my sad boi side to myself again. It's about OCD, and how ******* ******* ****** up it is that it's portrayed as a personality trait rather than an actual debilitating mental illness in the media. If you're still reading, then congrats. I'm gonna go **** with my Bop It Extreme 2 for a bit to blow off some steam ya feel.

July, 2017
#ocd
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ughh
Joy Sep 2017
ughh
My head is buzzing
This buzzing ***** lol
September, 2017
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Unconditional Love
Joy Nov 2017
Unconditional Love
Pretty boy, pretty girl -
Big **** and big ol' brown eyes -
Somewhere between the moon,
The pink twisted clouds,
And the slow setting sun.
Tupac and The Internet inspired this, along with a picture I took in my parent's backyard.

November, 2017
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Untitled
Joy Dec 2016
Untitled
i like to think you like it when i hold you
you like to prove me wrong
December, 2016
please don't take this seriously it's actually about my cat lol
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Untitled
Joy Mar 2017
Untitled
And I've given you upwards of a thousand songs,
Cementing tunes
Into my everyday blues
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upside down
Joy Aug 2017
upside down
"I see your heartbreak, and I feel your pain"

sigh, where am I going with this?
August, 2017
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We have fascinating way of talking
Joy Oct 2017
We have fascinating way of talking
I claim to have changed since meeting you

In some ways, I think it's really good.
I have the courage to be myself again.
I haven't felt that way since I was 5 years old.
I think it's kinda beautiful.

But in other ways, it's also pretty bad.
I can't have you, so I take what I can from others to fill that up.
It's a little selfish, and I think I might be hurting people.
I think it's sort of gnarled.

We have a fascinating way of talking about everything else
Except for the reason
We talk about everything.
We have a fascinating way of talking
About anything except
What's on both of our minds.

And I'm starting wonder how much if it is
Good,
And how much of it is
Bad.
When I made out with those people last night, I dissected myself, my reactions, and my relation to you. I had a lot of thought, very little foresight, and copious amounts of drunk knowledge. I am being dramatic. I'm pretty lonely, can't you tell?

October, 2017
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we live in a daze
Joy Dec 2015
we live in a daze
We are a strange blend of flesh and soul,
Ripping through the dead grass of another's
Night-time moans
And morning-time groans
Absentmindedly,
With our eyes turned towards
A map of stars
Hidden by a strange sort of azure -

We chant for the hot meat and cold drink
To wet our lips,
To slide down our throats
Ravenously,
And fill a place within us that we know
Will always be hollow;
A place that will never know the pleasure
Of being whole.
November, 2015
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when i realized i wasn't as sad as i used to be
Joy Nov 2015
when i realized i wasn't as sad as i used to be
The sky, once holding it's light inside like it was underwater
Finally exhaled.
The Heavens could breathe once more
And I saw the morning peak through the clouds.
It was still cold
But a little warmer after the sun's relieved sigh.
I threw my arms open,
The swing of my ribs was horizon-wide -
Something inside me was alive
November, 2015
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when will i see you next?
Joy Nov 2015
when will i see you next?
and you begin to ask yourself why you fall in love with someone who wouldn't accept another part of you
until you realize you don't really want that part of you either
November, 2015
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where'd all the time go
Joy Jul 2017
where'd all the time go
It's been a few since I put the pen to the paper
It's been a few since I tipped my head back
And sighed a stanza

It's been a few, but I still know
While I've been trying to make that 15 year old version of me
Happy
I haven't learned a ******* thing
In other words - this place was my refuge when I was feeling sad-boii sad, stupidly sad. And I feel that way now. Some days I get so excited, other days I feel so dauntingly overwhelmed by the weights of my depression. I feel impossibly older, yet somehow still so young.

July, 2017
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wordsmith,
Joy Dec 2016
wordsmith,
wordsmith,
pull me under the grainy pages -
show me how the ink bleeds
November, 2016
#words #ink #bleeding #wordsmith #pages
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Yes
Joy Aug 2017
Yes
My days have been slathered in zesty
Sundried
Sauce
So much so, I think I'm pruning
-
What, with the tension headaches,
And this new thing called,
Opening-myself-up-to-others,
Hearing the recoiled,
"You're weird"
But bouncing with laughter.
I can't tell if it's good or bad yet.
Maybe it's neither.
Normal, not the one word
I would ascribe
But
Today, I wanted to create
Instead of letting the night unfold
Into misery
-
I thought of someone else today
And felt sad for them,
Not myself
And it was good
August, 2017
Went back on antidepressants, feeling them again. Yay
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you make me sick
Joy Oct 2016
you make me sick
And you're the one person I miss -
I miss you so much sometimes it makes me sick.
Its only happens around now,
In the twilight of sleeping and waking,
And for some ******* reason
It's just you.
I mean, I've had dozens of loves ones
Stumble in and out of my life
Like wandering ghosts.
And still they utter that I'm a hermit
When they hear the empty din of silence
Instead of reverbing "I miss you!"s
And the echoing "lets get together sometime!"
I am not one to latch on;
I do not reel them in, I do not bait.
I would much rather drink alone
Then get giddy off of shots and beer pong with
Lonely company.
But you -
For some **** reason, you -
You make me sick with longing.
October, 2016
#love #depression #living #pathetic #romance #ending #longing #missing #sick #emo
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You ripped the Blue Prints in to Two
Joy Feb 2018
You ripped the Blue Prints in to Two
Blue and pinched, blue and finished
My great escape from warm knuckles brushing
And passioned fists clenching
Was drawn up, sketched and written,
A thousand goodbyes swarmed in my lungs.

But the watering whites welled for the first time,
Cracking your marble silence
and spilling consequences left and right.
My plan screeched, I stopped dead in my tracks.

And I thought,

Even if this ******* hurts
I oughta stay and stick this one out.
The minute someone causes an emotional reaction in me, I get terrified and afraid and don't understand it and try to trade the bond I've formed for loneliness. It's the easiest method - sure, I miss out in intimacy, but I'm okay on my own. I've done this plenty of times with no consequences.

But when I saw you begin to cry, I knew I was making a grave mistake.

I've never changed plans like this.

Maybe you're something special, maybe there's something changing in me. Maybe it's both.

Even if it hurts to stay by your side, I care about you too much to leave over my unresolved feelings.

February, 2018
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you stayed.
Joy Feb 2016
you stayed.
And you were born from the ivy.
You were bruised black and blue from the sky kissing you all over,
Feet to hands,
and everywhere inbetween,
With her arms wide open,
And her promises to run from horizon to horizon
So as never to be out of sight.
You wore the crown, pleasure tickling your cheeks.
You were free to leave.

But somehow,
Even after the diamond speckled,
Moonlit crescent winking banner
Had waved and left,
And even with the sun spitting fire
Too close to the ground,
Somehow,
You stayed.
You stayed, you stayed,
Swinging your smile wide,
Ribs pressed clean and open,
You stayed.

And even when the nights pinched
The fire from your eyes
Like a long burnt candle,
And even when the midday hours
Drank the life from your cheeks,
You knew where to look when the clouds
Ran, loud and puttering.
You stayed.
You stayed,
Floating with the stars
Dancing with the sun
Even after knowing
The dizzying taste of touching the sky.
*You stayed.
February, 2016
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you try so hard
Joy Dec 2015
you try so hard
You carry eternity with you everywhere you go
Like an over sized bag.
The eddies are swirling beneath a dozen zippers,
It sinks into your arms, its all you can do
To tip over, nervously, shakily,
Before it drops
And melts into the earth, you with it,
Limbs and all.

I hear in the simplest phrases -
How was your week?
I swear it drips from your lips
Like the blood was too thick to wipe away.
It's this raw, shuddering hunger
That leaves you trembling
Every time your forever dips its hips
On the wayward wind.
December, 2015
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you used to roll your own tobacco leaves
Joy Dec 2015
you used to roll your own tobacco leaves
The markers on the highway are singing of night's white gleam.
I am two eyes lifting from the ivory smoke-out
Watching them like a trail of matches you dropped behind,
With your flat-footed nakedness, sauntering, swaggering,
While the dying flames are dreaming of cigarettes you'll never smoke,
While the hungry embers are reaching for that old
Tobacco breath that will never nest in my lungs again -
I don't think I love you anymore -
It is cancerous, bubbling,
It is ripping my flesh anew with fingers like charcoal paper,
Like roasting meat,
Like wood waiting passively for the fire's whispering touch.

You used to roll your own tobacco leaves.
I am crisp and frail, reaching for them,
Never sure of how the flaky touch would one day boil to ashes.
The mountain is tugging me, the tumbling mystery,
White markers ablaze and all;
Light is spilling from the sky, gray and misty
As if night and morning are distilling themselves
Into hovering phrases, half-*** excuses -
I'll fix it one day, I swear -
The fog is barely unsticking itself from the rocky peaks,
My jagged heart is watching as the dying haze begins to leave,
And I am wondering if that trail of cigarettes will lead me home.
December, 2015
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— The End —