Kai: Poems

218 · May 29

Forget

Kai May 29

Forget

"I want to forget"
Stupid words said by a stupid child,
That deep down wanted to remember.

Now that I'm forgetting,
I try to put it into words,
So one day, when i forget,
They'll remember.

Let's be honest here, there's no "they". No one cares, no matter how much they pretend they do. This one is a draft from a month ago

#forget #remember #trauma

217 · Jan 29

Oh to be loved by a writer

Kai Jan 29

Oh to be loved by a writer

"Oh to be loved by a writer"
Someone once said to me,
Not knowing they are.

Being hated by a writer is so much worse tho

(Also, i wanna be loved by a writer ****)

#love #writer

217 · Apr 22

Beautiful pain

Kai Apr 22

Beautiful pain

Paper lines
Paper lies.
The truth lies engraved in your arm,
The sweet pain that accomppanied your blood
As it dripped down
And stained your sleeve.

..

#sh

216 · Jan 25

Adults

Kai Jan 25

Adults

Adults.
Some are smart,
Yet some are not.
Fighting over their tiny problems,
Killing people,
Just to make a point.
Nuclear weapons used as
Tiny threats,
Childrens use when you steal their toy.
Censoring people's lives,
Because you have the power.

I still can't believe they chose a **** ****** as their president

#deny #defend #depose

215 · Jun 21

you.

Kai Jun 21

you.

i lost you
when i was only supposed to lose myself.
to become the few words
unseen by the world

tbh the fact that i might kms soon and the only part of me that will stay here will be my poetry, sounds kinda cool ****

#suicide

212 · Dec 2024

Victim

Kai Dec 2024

Victim

I have obeyed all your commands
Endured your beatings, reprimands
Your punishments, it was all true
But my mother only defended you.

I've taken years of your abuse
Your own work was my only use,
In my room, at night i cried,
I wished that i would have just died.

Standing on the bridge, watching the stars
Feeling my cuts slowly turn into scars,
I wondered, how can someone be so cruel?
But wondering was against the rules.

I say goodbye, for i must depart
To try and fix my broken heart,
With a notebook and a pen.
If they can't fix me, then no one can.

I literally got kidnapped by my stepfather 2 days ago. Now i'm finally back home. I'll probably write a bunch of stuff about abuse because i want to raise awareness of this topic.

#abuse #victim

210 · Apr 11

tired

Kai Apr 11

tired

I am tired so leave me be,
Focus on people you love,
Instead of wasting time on me,
I will watch you from above.

In the clouds or in the stars,
Whatever you choose me to be,
I will see you in my scars,
And how much you meant to me.

i'm way too ******* tired.

#tired #suicide

210 · Feb 6

Przemoc

Kai Feb 6

Przemoc

Dziecinna zabawa w kota i myszkę
O życie.
Jak uciekanie po kątach
Zamkniętej przestrzeni,
Mając nadzieję na wydostanie się
Poza niezniszczalne ściany.
I zakończenie,
Groźba i obietnica.
"Nie mów nikomu, wiesz co się stanie".

Postanowiłem coś po polsku napisać, bo czemu by nie. Nie najlepsze, ale chyba może być.

(First time writing poetry in my native language since i noticed a lot of Polish people here. Not the best but i tried <3)

#abuse #przemoc

208 · Apr 21

Force my thoughts

Kai Apr 21

Force my thoughts

Force my thoughts
And tell me what i think.
Shaping my mind
To your use and will.
To what you think is true,
Yet it isn't.

I'm so ******* tired of people telling me what THEY think i think. For example now, i said something, i genuinely didn't mean for it to sound rude, and my grandma said something like "you're a terrible person, think about what you have done" so i asked her what i did, genuinely confused, and she just started insulting me and saying things like "you think *insert a bad thing*" and i told her i dont think that and she just kept telling me i do. Like okay, i'm autistic and might not recognize some things but this is ******* ridiculous.

#thoughts #force

207 · Feb 18

Running away

Kai Feb 18

Running away

Coldness
The loud gasps for air
And a phone you've been
Clutching in your hand.
The car chasing you,
Fear in your eyes.
You know it's the end.
You wait for the
Pretty blue and red lights
To save you.
And then you wake up,
Doctor everywhere,
And your very first
Mental hospital friend

Wrote this in the mental hospital

#abuse #trauma #mentalhospital

207 · Dec 2024

School

Kai Dec 2024

School

I sit alone, with a book in my hand
Ignoring the loudness around me and
The ocassional contact with other human beings
I rarely talk, i'm quiet because my mind is too loud.

I try expressing my thoughts through words and other types of art
But how do i stay intact
If everything is falling apart?
When everything i knew and loved left?

Not in the best mood rn

#school #quiet #introvert #book

205 · Dec 2024

About a boy

Kai Dec 2024

About a boy

I wasted time, love and energy
On a boy.
Now the boy is gone
But the feelings persist.

#boy #breakup

203 · Jan 5

Alone

Kai Jan 5

Alone

Shut your eyes,
Cover your ears,
And focus on your breathing.
You can't hear them now.

The words many of you might have repeated to yourself

#alone #abuse

201 · Jun 25

Reality

Kai Jun 25

Reality

A nonexistent construct
Believed by many,
And broken by few.

nothing is real lol

#reality

200 · Jan 25

Untitled

Kai Jan 25

Untitled

You say that i don't try,
And I'm trying really hard.
Even tho you don't see me cry,
I am falling apart.

I wrote this when i was 12 or 13

199 · Apr 7

Worry

Kai Apr 7

Worry

The strange feeling,
Headaches, not being able to sleep.
I'm sure you've felt it before,
It's almost like a special kind of love
That hurts.

My best friend might be dead soon and i can't do anything about it because he's too far away and doesn't respond to literally anyone.

#worry

199 · Nov 2024

Not a poem but

Kai Nov 2024

Not a poem but

Yall i found my old notebook with some poems i wrote when i was like 12-13, should i post them here? Perhaps make a collection? Let me know what you think in the comments

#old #poetry #poems #notebook

198 · Nov 2024

To the reader

Kai Nov 2024

To the reader

If you see this,
Maybe at least pay attention this time?

To the words and how they're written
If you even care.
Reader,
Enlighten me, what would change if i
Died?

look

C
L
O
S
E
L
Y

#reader #acrostic

197 · Feb 18

You're scared

Kai Feb 18

You're scared

You're scared.
Not me.
Of the consequences
Of your doings.
Not me.

#scared

194 · Jan 7

Untitled

Kai Jan 7

Untitled

I may not accompany you
In your further path.
For you have left me behind
While i still haven't forgotten you.

It still kinda hurts

#breakup

194 · Dec 2024

Delusion

Kai Dec 2024

Delusion

Have you ever wanted to escape to a place where no one can see you?
Maybe you tried imagining the place by yourself.
The innocent little dreams turned into maladaptive daydreaming.
And suddenly, you're sentenced to being mentally ill

The imaginary world begines to grow,
Consuming you more and more.
Soon, you can't see the difference between the real world and the one
You made up.

You slip into derealization
It drowns you while giving you short breaks for air
To let you stay alive
While still hurting

i dont know much about delusion/derealization but this is how it works for me (at least now) so yeah

#delusion #derealization

192 · Feb 21

Child

Kai Feb 21

Child

There is a child discovering your path
Running away from the world's anger and wrath
There might be a future awaiting ahead,
But what if one day they end up dead?

<3

#child

192 · Dec 2024

HATE

Kai Dec 2024

HATE

Hearing your voice
And seeing your face
Traumatizes me more than i'd care to admit
Even though i was supposed to be strong.

Another acrostic (i think that what theyre called) cuz i love them

#acrostic #hate

191 · Apr 3

I'm sorry

Kai Apr 3

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.
For being a failure,
Not helping you enough,
Not knowing when i should help you.
I'm sorry for the things i said,
Did,
For what i put you through.
I'm sorry
For being sorry.

This one is honestly to like 6 or more people, i'm not exactly sure why i wrote it but still decided to do so.

#sorry

190 · Apr 22

Attention

Kai Apr 22

Attention

ATTENTION.
Oh sweet attention
How i crave you..
Letting the lines show
Trading them for a tiny bit of compassion

Something's starting to get terribly wrong with me.

#attention #sh

189 · Apr 22

gone.

Kai Apr 22

gone.

My fingers
Interlocking with yours.
For the last time,
You'll never know you won't see me again.
Ever.
I'll be gone.
F O R E V E R.

i wanna get out of here

#gone

189 · Jun 6

Hope

Kai Jun 6

Hope

Hope is worthless.
You get it
And lose it,
Each time feeling more painful than the other.
Sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth

im so ******* done, everytime i get the tiniest bit of hope and my mental health is starting to get better, i ******* lose it cuz why not. im too tired to even try at this point, for the past **** knows how long ive been trying to convince myself im not suicidal, just to not **** myself before summer break, then i can be depressed all i want. i have exactly 20 days left until summer break and i genuinely dont think i'll be alive by then. "oh but your brother will get worried", i dont ******* care at this point. i really dont. nothing is real anyway, i just ended up being in this ******* reality where everyone hates me. sorry for the rant but im way too ******* tired for this.

#suicide #fuckingkillmepls

189 · Jan 1

People

Kai Jan 1

People

Some people are born to be succesful,
Some people are meant to be losers
Some are born to recieve everything the others give them
Some are born to give
Some people get love
Some people give it away
Some people take it as granted
Some people would do anything to get it
Some people have everything
While others are meant to have nothing.

You don't choose the life you're born in. Everyone here has a role. Sometimes your role is being broken.

#people #role

189 · Jan 4

Lost child

Kai Jan 4

Lost child

Imagine a little child
Wandering through the streets all alone,
With nothing but a tiny backpack
And a toy in their hand.

No one stops to ask if they're okay,
No one wants to look at them,
Most people don't even aknowledge them.

And they only care
When the child gets hit by a car,
Dissapears from existence.
To never be seen again.

Inspired by a story i wrote as a kid

#lost #child

184 · Apr 9

..

Kai Apr 9

..

Why should i stay,
When everyone i love leaves anyway?
When they become a name,
Something "we don't talk about".
Why do you expect me to not do the same?

School is too much rn

#suicide

181 · Nov 2024

Dissapointment

Kai Nov 2024

Dissapointment

A notebook in my hand
A Monster in the other
What would think of me,
My precious absent mother?

Would she be proud?
Or rather dissapointed?
The answer is neither.
She wouldn't care.

Sometimes you love someone you're not supposed to.

#mother #dissapointment

180 · Apr 3

.

Kai Apr 3

.

L
   E
      A
          V
             E
                                        M                             E


                                                              A
                                                          L
                                                       O
                                                      N
                                                    E

..

179 · Feb 19

Two Gods

Kai Feb 19

Two Gods

What if
There are
Two Gods?
One false,
Popular,
And the true one,
Known by only few.

When we were kids, me and my brother made a theory that some "christians" (the ones that use religion to justify discrimination) believe in their own, false God, oblivious to the one they're "supposed" to believe in.

#god #false

178 · Mar 5

Too lazy

Kai Mar 5

Too lazy

Too lazy to die
Too lazy to exist
Too lazy to cry
Too lazy to persist
Too lazy to stay
Too lazy to leave
Too lazy to pray
Too lazy to achieve
Too lazy to pretend
Too lazy to say the truth
Too lazy for the end
Too lazy for your youth
Too lazy to stop
Too lazy to lie
Too lazy to do your job
Too lazy to die

"You're just too lazy"

#lazy

177 · Jan 8

Bathroom

Kai Jan 8

Bathroom

A shirt hanging on the door handle,
Preventing your eyes from
Looking at me.
I was 11.

I was a kid but i still had to put a shirt on the door handle so no one would stare at me. Some people are disgusting.

#sa #bathroom

173 · Feb 19

Freedom

Kai Feb 19

Freedom

So close,
Yet so far.
It cannot be defined,
Nor fully felt.
You're always trapped.

No matter what you do, you're never fully free.

#freedom

170 · Nov 2024

The abused child

Kai Nov 2024

The abused child

Being the abused child is
Flinching at everything
Not knowing how it feels to be cared for
Blaming yourself
Thinking their love is a lie
Maladaptive daydreaming
Addictions
Being over-compliant
Not being able to say no
Mysic loud enough to silence your mind
and the pretty silver lines engraved on your skin

It's not fair
i just wanted a normal life

Abuse is not that big of a deal, or is it?

#abuse #depression #ptsd #hurt

169 · Apr 22

VALIDATION...

Kai Apr 22

VALIDATION...

I once had you
To push me through life
Now i do anything i can
To get the invisible drug
Sometimes i'm embarassed to admit it
But it doesn't matter right now
Come back.

Starting to get worried about my writing tbh

#validation

168 · Jan 10

Home

Kai Jan 10

Home

You tried so hard to leave.
Why did you come back?

Asking myself this exact question since forever

#abuse #home

165 · Jan 1

Workaholic

Kai Jan 1

Workaholic

You wake up.
Immediately, you check your phone.
The amount of things to do is unbearable,
But you have to get it done anyway.
Why?
You don't know.

You start doing the work by yourself,
No one there to help you yet.
As always.
You have to do everything alone.
Why?
You don't know.

You finish the work
And you feel empty.
You HAVE to do something, anything.
Why?
You don't know.

You're completely burnt out,
They ask you if you're okay.
You're not.
Why?
You don't know.

If you're reading this, PLEASE take a day off, i know work is important but i don't want the same to happen to you that happened to me.

#work #workaholic

163 · Jun 6

again.

Kai Jun 6

again.

everyone is already asleep
the pills seem to stare right into your soul
you grab the blade,
the cold edge hitting your skin
almost tenderly.
as the thick, dark liquid stains the sheets,
you open the bottle with your shaky hands.
and take them out
one by one.
it tells you to hurry up.
you quickly consume every single one,
before you could regret it.
you write a few notes, texts, explaining why you'll be gone,
possibly forever.
they don't have to know that though.
you can already feel the headache coming,
the regret slowly creeping in,
you pass out.
you wake up a few hours later,
confused,
the realization finally hits you.
you don't want to listen,
but the pill whispers:
"again."

honestly i've failed so many attempts i lost count. this is probably the last thing i'll write in a while, or maybe the last thing i'll ever write. if that's the case, i love you all and i'm so sorry.

#suicide

162 · Mar 7

Poetry

Kai Mar 7

Poetry

You can't force it on yourself.
The words come by themselves,
In the most random moment,
To help you
Or doom you.
They have their own will.
A sudden wave of inspiration,
On a train, bus, school,
But when you want to write,
It tells you you're not ready.

My teacher once told me that she's not a proffesional writer because she doesn't want to force herself to write.

#poetry #writing

159 · May 29

Love your hatred

Kai May 29

Love your hatred

Because one day it'll leave too

I wish i could just simply hate someone, at least i would have a distraction from everything

#hate

158 · Jan 29

Abuse

Kai Jan 29

Abuse

Abused
Belittled
Used
Scared
Exploited

#abuse #acrostic

158 · Feb 1

Validation

Kai Feb 1

Validation

I crave it
Like a drug.
It pulls me through the words
As i type on the screen
Or notebook.
It's almost like attention-seeking
Yet i won't give up
Until i get enough.

I sometimes feel like i need way too much validation

#validation

156 · Nov 2024

Nothing as it seems

Kai Nov 2024

Nothing as it seems

A mother is not a mom
Nice clothes aren't consent
Abuse isn't discipline
Scars don't make you weak
Fake friends aren't friends
Forced acts aren't obedience
A child isn't a worker
Yelling isn't love
Art is not a waste of time
A woman isn't a cooking mashine
What you see might not be what you think

This one isn't really good, might rewrite it later

155 · Jun 6

Gaslight

Kai Jun 6

Gaslight

Gaslight yourself.
Into thinking you're important,
Happy,
Normal.
That thin line of denial
Being the only thing keeping you alive.
They would miss you if you were gone, wouldn't they?

they would not, and im honestly tired of pretending they would

#suicide #depression

154 · Dec 2024

Perfect student

Kai Dec 2024

Perfect student

You were a stright A's student,
Winning competitions,
Was the writer of the year 4 years in a row.

But one day something changed
Your grades began to drop,
You started skipping school,
Drinking an entire bottle of water at once
So you would throw up and not go to school.

Suddenly, people that loved you started to hate you
You were gifted, sure
And it might have been impressive when you were younger
But now others caught up

You're no longer special.

Having troubles with school rn

#school #unmotivated

149 · Apr 3

Living on autopilot

Kai Apr 3

Living on autopilot

I know that i'm here,
What i do or say,
But i don't know how or why.

I see through my eyes,
But as a completely different person,
Often not controlling myself.
Almost like living on autopilot.

Please tell me im just not ****** up and this thing actually exists/is somewhat normal cuz it's been happening to me for the past year and i have no idea what to do about it or what it even is, it's kinda freaking me out.

148 · Nov 2024

Judging

Kai Nov 2024

Judging

You judge people from their appearance or skills
I judge them from their writing style

The way someone's writing is like a window to their soul

#judge #writing #people