Kaiden: Poems

64 · 2d

Kaiden 2d

Dear mother,
Is this what you wanted me to become?
With your lessons, abuse
Would you be proud of me if you saw what i turned into?

Dear mother,
Would you still love me
If i died as a foolish poet
At the age of 14?

Dear mother,
Would you look back at what you did,
And say it was right?
When you get a call that your child ended their life
Because of you,
Dear mother?

i wonder what my "dear mother" would think after seeing what i write ****, im a failure

#mother #abuse #neglect

61 · May 18

..

Kaiden May 18

..

Who should i be
When i am gone?
When i have lost,
And his words won.
When what comforted me
Brought me pain,
A rapid fall,
After a gain.
To repeat this over and over again.

sorry for not writing, ive been dissociating so bad for the past few days and it *****

59 · May 29

Last rant for now

Kaiden May 29

Last rant for now

(again, if this gets taken down it's fine)

So.. Idk if this can be called a rant, im kinda just explaining some stuff. School is really too much rn, im failing literally everything. Then there's some personal stuff, but that's not important cuz that's just mental health stuff. I tried to stay for longer, but i genuinely can't anymore. Because of this, i will be taking a break for a while. I'm fine, really, i just need some time to think about stuff. I know no one cares, but idk it just felt rude to leave without an explanation. Anyway, I'll come back as soon as i can, I'm sorry.

Again, i know no one cares but whatever

57 · Apr 22

..

Kaiden Apr 22

..

click.
                                                                                      click.
                              scratch.
                                                         tear.
          scrunch.
                                                                        throw.


              i'm a ******* disappointment please help me.

..

57 · 6d

Lost

Kaiden 6d

Lost

Lost in a world i knew so well,
Locked myself up in my own hell,
Losing friends,
Hoping that it finally ends,
And sets me free from my own prison.

False beliefs,
Trying to find relief from the grief
Of an alive person,
A brother, a son,
He's still here,
But i believe he's gone.

i might take a break from writing (i know i keep saying this, i'm sorry) because i quite literally went into psychosis and i can barely function, not even mentioning writing. btw yes, im getting help, it just doesn't really work tbh

#lost

53 · Apr 22

Erase myself

Kaiden Apr 22

Erase myself

I quietly erased myself
From your life
Dot by dot
Until the day came
When i disappeared
With nothing but a "sorry" and "i love you".

Today at 5:37am i texted 3 of my friends to not worry about me if something happened to me and that i love them, before logging out of discord. I can't bring myself to log in again. The "dot by dot" part mean me erasing one of the 8 dots i had in my bio each day. I knew no one would notice it, but wasted time on it anyway. I don't know what's going on with me anymore. Also, if you have time, please read the thing i wrote earlier, it would mean a lot.

50 · 2d

you.

Kaiden 2d

you.

i lost you
when i was only supposed to lose myself.
to become the few words
unseen by the world

tbh the fact that i might kms soon and the only part of me that will stay here will be my poetry, sounds kinda cool ****

#suicide

22 · Jun 6

Goodbye?

Kaiden Jun 6

Goodbye?

I always dreamed
Of dying in a special way.
People worried,
Mother guilty for what she did,
The awkward school assembly about a dead student.
Someone trying to stop me from ending it all.

Yet now i sit in my room,
Reading the texts from earlier,
The pretty lies, saying it's "just a break".
A break i won't come back from.

i told a few people that were somewhat close to me that i'll have to take a break due to my mental health getting really bad again. honestly, it's starting to look more like a goodbye, i'm sorry.

#suicide

12 · Jun 6

Gaslight

Kaiden Jun 6

Gaslight

Gaslight yourself.
Into thinking you're important,
Happy,
Normal.
That thin line of denial
Being the only thing keeping you alive.
They would miss you if you were gone, wouldn't they?

they would not, and im honestly tired of pretending they would

#suicide #depression

10 · Jun 6

again.

Kaiden Jun 6

again.

everyone is already asleep
the pills seem to stare right into your soul
you grab the blade,
the cold edge hitting your skin
almost tenderly.
as the thick, dark liquid stains the sheets,
you open the bottle with your shaky hands.
and take them out
one by one.
it tells you to hurry up.
you quickly consume every single one,
before you could regret it.
you write a few notes, texts, explaining why you'll be gone,
possibly forever.
they don't have to know that though.
you can already feel the headache coming,
the regret slowly creeping in,
you pass out.
you wake up a few hours later,
confused,
the realization finally hits you.
you don't want to listen,
but the pill whispers:
"again."

honestly i've failed so many attempts i lost count. this is probably the last thing i'll write in a while, or maybe the last thing i'll ever write. if that's the case, i love you all and i'm so sorry.

#suicide

9 · Jun 6

not real

Kaiden Jun 6

not real

this place
i got forced into
is not real.
it may be for you,
but for me it is not.
after some time you start to see through the lies humans -
- or the others - built.
you see though this reality
into yours,
the voices feeling more real than people,
the shadows more comforting than touch

honestly i dont even know what im writing anymore, maybe it's just cuz im tired, maybe it's cuz im dissociating again, i have no idea. i just want it to end like *** just make it stop without pushing me in deeper for once

#suicide #derealization

8 · 2d

pain

Kaiden 2d

pain

"you'll learn through pain" they said,
and so i did.
after years of them inflicting it on me,
i took the matter into my own hands.

i got addicted to something i hated so much,
the metallic taste,
the blades,
the touch.

the silver lines
all over my body,
the scars that'll stay there forever,
the sting after i clean the cuts,
(it feels like someone is taking care of me)

and the reason.
the reason i write this,
the reason i look for in my words,
yet can't seem to find

kinda feels like love, honestly

my writing is getting so much worse thoooo i wanna write at least one good thing before i die

#selfharm #depression #suicide

6 · Jun 6

Hope

Kaiden Jun 6

Hope

Hope is worthless.
You get it
And lose it,
Each time feeling more painful than the other.
Sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth

im so ******* done, everytime i get the tiniest bit of hope and my mental health is starting to get better, i ******* lose it cuz why not. im too tired to even try at this point, for the past **** knows how long ive been trying to convince myself im not suicidal, just to not **** myself before summer break, then i can be depressed all i want. i have exactly 20 days left until summer break and i genuinely dont think i'll be alive by then. "oh but your brother will get worried", i dont ******* care at this point. i really dont. nothing is real anyway, i just ended up being in this ******* reality where everyone hates me. sorry for the rant but im way too ******* tired for this.

#suicide #fuckingkillmepls

— The End —