light now in the places that were hidden
...hidden from yourself but not Me. I still saw you in the dark places...tossed up on rocks and sinking into places you did not want to go
I still saw you.
I kept watch.

this story needs wine
a lot
medication for the body
balm for the soul
a temporary escape
to tell the tale and live
without the burden of fear

@journeyofdays

throbbing cancer of darkness
shaken from its seat in my heart and head

hate ends now
there is no place for you here
you deceived me with your promise of justice
your form made me sick

go
leave this place
you no longer have harbour here

#thisjourneyofdays

now tapped

words pour out

in endless streams

some pooling together

agitating then cooperating

around a thought

@journeyofdays

not linear
forgiven
wipes the timeline and catalogue of injuries


@journeyofdays

it is not lost on me
the way in which you snub
and ignore
living here but moving in cold circles
eddies of conversation move between us
and settle around our feet
I still believe
but see there is no longer us
except in memories and artefacts
the substance of a union now dead
as you step away
moving along a path I cannot see

@journeyofdays

no map
found a new intense practice
in
emotional topography


@journeyofdays

sitting together
reading our
nothing that matters
just sharing our
time in the morning
with coffee
holding your breath and you holding
the space between thoughts
this slow love

watch each thread of my life, work, reputation, identity
being severed  by hate and power
...some snapping back to strike my face and lash at my ribs
gashes across my heart and side
...others withering, fraying, disintegrating as if they never were

destroying meaning
destroying me
untethered ..unhinged...flung..hurtling...crashing into despair

into humiliation

#thisjourneyofdays

dawning

comes at a time not determined by man's clock

@journeyofdays

confident
I found this stuff for a reason
thinking
hard

@journeyofdays

you are close
even in my dreams I can feel you skirting the tree line
why do come back
to claim those bits you left in me

weeks ago the scars started to itch
bubbling in my blood
time bombs you left behind
banished not entitled

the closer you get I feel
your poison in my blood
bent on opening those wounds again
haven’t you done enough

can I bleed it out
now that it is close to the surface
let it run across the ground
finding you on the edge of dark


@journeyofdays

restitution
how
in a world
not forgiven
speaking selective history

@journeyofdays

I forgive you

saying the words

feeling them in my heart

letting go of anger... pain...injury

still I cannot see you..face you...your person is too vile

you may never hear ...I forgive you... from my lips ...the intent is true nonetheless

my soul is freed now from the shackles of your torment

I wish you peace and strength to face your sin and the demons you unleashed on my life and make your account.

have you never made a wrong decision?
opened yourself up to possibility?
embraced an uncertain future?
not questioned the jump?

take my hand
breathe in this moment
....can you risk failing and falling with me?

#thisjourneyofdays

how do we dance
we cannot touch the ground
because it is no longer there
disappearing well before we the music started
what anchors us in gravity has been missing for some time
drift apart
our choice to perish
if we leave this orbit
we can dance between the stars

@journeyofdays

where have I been?
an alternate world
there but not here
here but not here

trying to make order of the chaos in my head...to control my heart’s erratic beat
sweating through replays
struggling with what if
seeking the reason why...but coming up empty ..except for self loathing for the lack of clarity

whirling around in a life ******* spiral of confusion and pain
emotionally and spiritually wrecked

I have nothing left to fight with
I am done being sick

#thisjourneyofdays

the parts lost
they
are
forgotten
no need to search

@journeyofdays

forgiven*
what have you done
that actually requires this grace

@journeyofdays

time for quiet revolution
now past
thinking has returned
again

think me a fool
I will not blindly follow
again

pendulum of natural law
is making the return trip
again

unlikely warriors
unlikely allies
His will
cannot be denied
again


@journeyofdays

you think I do not care
but you are wrong

@journeyofdays

deep pain in my head and body
this throbbing cancer that wants to take me with it into oblivion

scratching my eyes
shredding my brain
stealing my mind
….not wanting to let me go

the roots poisoned by light are shaken loose and tearing away from my body…

excruciating pain ... penance this salve for the spiritual pain with a physical form

#thisjourneyofdays

don’t you find it interesting
you cannot meet my eye
hide, look but don’t look
body language is beyond awkward
twist and turn to keep me in your sights
wring your hands and nervously twitch
I am finding it very interesting
maybe, finally, you cannot outrun your guilt

@journeyofdays

so you feel a little unwell
tight throat and your mouth a touch dry
that stone in your chest has started sinking to your gut
the flush of colour on your face ...
that is the wash of guilt dawning
the enormity of what you have done
isn't this an interesting place
the place you find yourself in
and this is only first tide's turn

@journeyofdays

sunday sun has healing powers
it tilts your mind just that little bit higher
warms the soul and relaxes the heart
rest
yes
rest in the light.

@journeyofdays

is there healing in the story
...in the telling
will the pain diminish and dull it as memory fades
or add and create new meaning and terror

what sort of healing
does retelling grind off the sharp and jagged
smoothing off the splinters and planing off the rough
leaving a polished version, a diamond formed from tragedy and grief

be careful what you say
it can seem enticing
a promise of healing
to tell your story
to willing ears with open arms
will giving words to the pain
lead to a burden shared
or deepen the wounds that
that slosh around in your head

@journeyofdays

I can see the path
the one that takes me...leads me
not back

time and events have changed me
there is no going back
but it does lead me to something, familiar
to where I am meant to be
I have felt the path ...not visible...near to where I am stumbling in circles
cruel  - hey?
right alongside me
just unseen
perhaps I was not ready to see
with lessons to be learned
the pain and suffering i need to endure ...in order to take the path
that leads me
not back

@journeyofdays

how is possible
that you are still here with me
after what I say and what I don’t
the way I act with the fear I see
that story on loop
and the illness that grips me
how

@journeyofdays

truth
I love you
it has always been this way

@journeyofdays

oh God this is beautiful
shifting dunes of ice and water vapour
suspended above a tropical lagoon
dropping down into layers
bleeding colours
layers running off to the horizon
hanging out in lazy drapes over mountains tops
slow dervishes
ignoring the beckoning
obscured puppet master
sinking into the sea

@journeyofdays

it comes gently
drifting in
speaking in whispers
shifting space

space in thoughts
now separating
clarity of intention
measured rhythm

rhythm in purpose
never unpaced
always on time
warming softly

softly unravelling
dormant knots
building up hope
comes gently

*before the rush

not sure I can find the way back
permanently
lost

@journeyofdays

still
closed eyes
but awake
your pulse just kicked up

@journeyofdays

parts of me remain
other parts
well
they
are
lost

@journeyofdays

holding this vigil for you my friend
as you face your demons
you are not alone
facing your future
by addressing your past

surrounded by angels
swords drawn and prepared to defend
you will stand firm
for every blow rain down kisses
repay every rage with love
with gentleness and compassion

pass from child to man
by giving the gift to the broken
those so consumed by hate and twisted by fate
that they can no longer
speak the truth that ferments inside them
a permission for your own transformation

forgive
and you will be free
to grow beyond the chains
those weights that have held you down
crushing your heart
you will leave this holding pattern
and live

@journeyofdays

you are here
I am here
are we actually
lost


@journeyofdays

landed in lost and found
am I lost or found


@journeyofdays

wild
it has come
returning
rushing in with churning winds
whipping up frenzy
spitting rain peppered with detris
this time wild
I know
I can outrun you

@journeyofdays

hey
welcome to lost
maybe
we can do this together

@journeyofdays

radar found
clusterfuck alerts
evasion strategies
are
now
in
place

@journeyofdays

would like to see what you found
can we pool

@journeyofdays

found* me you say
but I have been tracking you

@journeyofdays

walked through desert
breathed in dust
then found
my
soul

@journeyofdays

well
if I am lost
do you feel
lost
too

@journeyofdays

the impact of
not speaking my name
is
us
lost

@journeyofdays

the table is cleared and linens are washed
plates put away and silver ensconced
body is tired but mind is at rest
yes, this is happy
it has been a while
and ****, it feels good

@journeyofdays

silence goes...
seeping into cracks of the path
floating between leaves
sliding around drips from the tap in the kitchen
on the table, set before a meal
lounging between us on the couch
in what you never say
and I don’t hear

@journeyofdays

compass busted
here
now
this
is
where
I
am
lost

@journeyofdays

met hell
it invited me in
found it savagely hot

@journeyofdays