i'm afraid of being
burned alive
i'm afraid of eating
something poisonous
i'm afraid of the dark
and what i can't
see in it
i'm afraid of the light
and the people i've
met under it
i do not live in fear
but fear lives
in me
i am not entirely
in control
but that's not to
say anyone else is

i've been breathing deeper,
caring more, loving harder,
smiling for the sake of smiling.
i've been losing sleep,
crying when you're not around,
getting high to block it all out.
i've been realizing this isn't easy.
exhausted after eight hours of sleep
spent in nightmares of lone times,
days spent fighting fatigue brought
on by the thought of your skin on
hers.
*if i could tell you i would

when i was younger
i expected to be an adult
by now but mostly
i still feel like a
scared kid
14 wanting to be 16
16 wanting to be 18
19 wanting to be
anything else
everything seemed easier
when it was years away
but now i'm caught in
the middle of my mess
wishing i would have
seen it coming

i woke up today and
i don't love you anymore
your place is not in my heart
your memories are not in my mind
your scent is no longer in my sheets
i woke up today and
being alone felt natural
being alone was motivation
being alone got me out of bed
my life is my own
finally

my aunts and uncles used to
joke about how the boys will be
"all over me" one day and i would
laugh
i wish they had been wrong

the men never stopped coming and
taking and leaving
i was never asked if i was willing to
give

i sifted for love through broken glass and
rusty nails
i ran over the burning coals of heartbreak
stripped of my socks and shoes

no one helped to heal my wounds or
mend my heart
self-soothing became routine and i wasn't
one to break cycle

finding solace in the arms of the shell of a once
gentle soul
too-tight grips and apologies soon replaced his
compassion

i watched as the man of my dreams became
a monster i couldn't bear to see
i'll save you if you save me

we learned to move fast
because time is fleeting
and nothing lasts forever
but now all we have is
time with nothing to fill it
boredom has become a
cage for us to simmer and
agonize and harrow in and
*i am not in love with you

i am learning to live without the love
i thought i'd never have to and
it's only gotten harder.
but, this morning, i got out of bed,
and i did the same yesterday,
and i'll do the same tomorrow.
the hurt i feel will break me
and i will still be standing after.
you will leave
and i will go on.

i've been burned
so many times i still
feel the heat in my bones
but i'm staring into your
eyes and i'm starting to think
hell isn't so hot