10pm seduces me
like a siren luring
promising me peace and quiet
but she lies
my thoughts are amplified in the silence
and there's no distraction from the numbed pain
I lay here rubbing my eyes
and throbbing temples
contemplating why I don't just sleep
but she whispers and summons
all the monsters
under my bed

When 12am knocks, I answer
There is no sleep
Only constant reminders
There are no doors to hide behind
The nighttime brings silence
Silence lets a loud mind roar
To the darkest corners
Only there's no where to hide
No distractions
It hits me like a wall
Insurmountable
When 12am calls, I answer

A quiet coffee shop
8am
Across from someone
Let them lead the conversation
and listen
Sooner or later
you'll learn what they love
Let them talk
about what they're passionate about
It's beautiful
to see their eyes light up
with ideas and recollection

You, are a **** legend
The moon glows for you
and longs to be with you
that’s why it comes at night
to keep your wild, dark heart
company
you, my beloved friend
are a legend

Inhale
Love
I will learn beauty
Love
I will be okay with myself
Love
I will take care of myself
Love
I will smile
Love
Exhale

you don’t put a human through
adult ****
and expect them to come out
as a child

I’m fine
I’ll say no
but you look
like a piece of cake
so easy to just want a taste
but it’s never just a bite
it’s always a little
bit more

I've never written poetry to be liked
or even understood
I just want to reach someone,
touch someone
in a way my hands never could
I just want to be truthful and authentic
to my soul and to you
I want you to see the complexities
so I know those who stick
are the ones willing to see
my words, my meaning and my brokenness

The mark on my chin
Where the skin is pink  
due to lack of pigment
An ugly contrast I thought
Until he lifted my chin
and smiled
"It's cute," he said
"A trail straight to your lips,"
and kissed my worries away

I fall in love with people
and their ability to be vulnerable
because it takes courage
to be real, human
in a world full of photo copies
To come across something
genuine or authentic
is a rarity
and I find myself loving
and admiring that

I picked up a pencil and began to sketch
My fingers begged to create something
Something beautiful, something aesthetic
Yet it did not come
Then it dawned on me
art cannot and is not forced
You do not find art
It finds you

I boxed up a year and a half today
Every photograph,
sweatshirt,
Mementos,
first date kisses
awkward hugs
A year and a half
In a box
I thought we’d outlast it all
yet I packed your stuff
and memories away in a box
I always thought
our love was too big,
too much,
too great
to simply be boxed
and stored away

chamber of reflection
a space between four walls
no way out
no distractions
from the mirror of my mind
alone again

How can I make a change in this world
if I have not yet seen it?
How can I see the change that needs to be made in this world if I have not yet traveled it?

it's easy being unconventional
and outlandish
when there's someone around
to make you feel
less strange
and more yourself

I'm a wise old soul
with a young heart
and a dose of teen angst
this equation is contradictory
and a scary contemplation of life

You and I need our own strength
I need you to be your own light
I need to be my own
so we aren't just enough
to supply some lightbulbs
but an entire city

You have touched every piece of my life
I smell you on my sheets, my clothes
Your face plastered on my walls
You've stolen my sleep and dreams
There's no escaping you
Everything reminds me
You, you, you
I wish I could breathe for a second
I wish I could forget for a moment
The pain is suffocating
I feel like an addict in rehab
but I feel no rehabilitation
Only pain resurfacing
Over and over and over
I wish I could scrub myself clean of you
You're deep in my bones
You've grasped my heart beat
You're snuggled up into my soul
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere
I don't know what's heavier
Your place in my memory
Or your absence

a beautiful and harrowing crisis
is that of an existentialist
facing the imminent reality
or lack thereof
that our chaotic universe has to offer

both uncomfortable and dully excruciating
to subscribe to the belief
that there is no belief
an order to see the disorder
and continue on nonetheless

rousing the heart and mind
to the harsh reality
to bear each decision and action
as their own
not inevitability
shaped by an omnipotent figure
but of their hands

accepting the absurd
and employing a fallible mind
to make subjectively rational decisions
in an objectively irrational existence

I wish you could lift me up out of this place
We would fly to paradise
and dip our toes into crystal blue waters
We'd swim with colorful schools of fish
We'd watch a sunset in every city
Then we'd star gaze in the country
I wish we could waltz out of here
Unseen, unheard
I need to escape this black and white
I need to see color again
My eyes crave the sights unseen
My ears crave the music unheard
My body craves the adventure
My heart craves it with you
So lift me up, up and away
From this place
To a home far away
Where the city lights gleam
And the colors are vivid
All will be made new

I knew it was time to say goodbye
So I did
We kissed one last bittersweet kiss
The sun set
I love you, so I'm letting go
Yet it hurts
To see you moving on, being okay
I'm still hurting
I know it's incredibly selfish to feel
But I do
In all my humanness and vulnerability
To let go
I'm ripping the other half of me off
It's hell
I pray it gets better and that someday
It's okay

I hope my tears water the sadness planted in my heart, so someday flowers grow again

inhale
up
exhale
down
heavy
weighted
with the burden
of many emotions
unfelt until now

There is no home here
Only four walls
and an echo of yelling
There is no comfort here
only selfishness
There is no stability
only cracked foundation
There was no childhood here
mostly just rough times
There is no dad
just a man who sits in his place
There is no money
only enough to scrape by this month
There is no peace
only violence and unhappiness
There is no contentment from me
just longing to leave
and I envy all those who had these things
If home is where the heart is
I have none

and just like that another flower plucked from the garden
sad to see you go
but you were chained
to lose you is to free you
now you fly high
the heavens opened their arms wide
you're home

If you're looking for the kind of art that's beautiful, leave
If you're looking for someone who will always have themselves together, leave
If you're looking for superficial things, leave
If you're looking for a shallow pond to quench your thirst, leave
Here you will find messy, art
The kind of something that makes you feel
The kind that's strung apart and spontaneous
If you're looking for depths of passion and ambition
The kind of person who will love you until the fire rolls out of their eyes
Stay, please stay