I have always wondered
Did i ever cross your mind
Or maybe just a glimpse of thought about me.

Or maybe, just random things at the groceries store that reminds you of me.
Or maybe the coffee brew that you smells at the coffee shop, got you thinking about me.
Or maybe the scent of the rain that reminds you of me.
Or maybe the foot step at the hallway, also reminds you of me.

Or maybe the thoughts you made before you sleep about me.

I am here.
Wondering with all the maybe(s)

is it wrong to say i miss you?
babe
we have been not talking for days
and you expect me to be good
to be well
to be chill

i cant do any of that without you

we stroll around the city till the sun sets.
i glance over the clouds
while you're next to me

both of us
-strangers
-tourists
in the city
we got lost into the city and so do in ourself
babe, i found you
beautifully
imperfect
and i show you my flaws and scars
the ugly side of me

yet you smiled
and keep on looking foward
i dont know wherr are you taking me to this strange city
but somehow i feel home whenever you touched my fingers

mana mungkin rindu aku terasa
jika diungkap dengan bait bahasa

sayang
dakaplah aku
rasakan rindu aku
kerna mana bisa ayat dan kata curah rasa ini
andai kau rasa perit dan pahit ini,
lepaskan lah.
biar aku bebas terokai dunia
tanpa rasa sekat dalam raga

aku penat
-menunggu sesuatu yang tidak pasti
dalam hal ini, adalah kamu

jalan yang dahulu kita lewati tengah malam kini kian sunyi
dulu, ada sahaja tawa kita kedengaran
entah
bukan aku tidak cuba untuk berhenti ada fikiran tentang kamu
tapi
bagai aku tersekat

sayang
andai kau rindu
andai kau rasa perit dan pahit ini
lepaskan lah aku

*agar aku bebas teroka dunia

it happens again
im left all alone again
im sad again
im.. hurted again
i thought you're going to be here
with me all the time
just like what you've promised

oh my mistake,
you lied
you left
..

i..

(18 March, 0222am)

You touch my scars and bruises
It's gentle and full of care
It hurt a bit as you press on them harder
But, Im not even sure why I let you to do so.

But in the end
You left me wounds, too.

Rude

Nak
Ibumu lahir saat gawat ekonomi seluruh semesta
Saat gawat sebumi memikirkan nilai
Saat dunia ditimpa wabah tak ternampak
Tapi dunia masih cantik

Nak
Ibumu saksi dunia sedang gusar
Saksi pemimpinan goyah
Rebutkan yg tak pasti
Matanya buta
Telinga nya tuli
Tak terdengar rintihan kasta bawahan
Tak terpeduli dan lari meninggalkan hakiki
Ibumu tegak ditengah
Saat mereka berkelahi
Bercemuhan
Hai, ibu saksi saat mereka tak waras

Nak,
Ibumu saksi peninggalan ramai org
Mata kepala ibu melihat org rebah tak bermaya
Ibumu saksi bapak menangisi anak
Bayi lahir tak bersusu ibu
Adik pergi tak berpeluk abang
Dan
Ibumu saksi org tak bisa menjamah nasi
Bukan kerna tak upaya
Tapi kerna rakus ahli prejudis
Dan anjing ditaktor
.
.
Nak
Ibumu saksi saat propaganda dilaungkan
"Demokrasi ini adalah kita semua
Suara kamu kami dengar"
.
.
Anakku
Dengarlah
Ibumu saksi saat dunia tak adil tapi dihias indah
Ibumu saksi saat negeri kita kacau tapi dirai aman
Ibumu saksi nak...
Ibumu saksi perit itu tak cuma kehilangan
Tapi rindu yg bakal tak terubatkan
Salam yg takkan tersampaikan

Dan sebelum kau hingga ke saat itu
Harus lah kau tau
Setiap sisi kita tertanam secebis sedikit hati
Maka harus kau cari yg baik baik sentiasa
.
Kerna mmg sifat dunia begitu
Rebut yg tak pasti
Bertelinga dan tuli
Bergeliga tapi rakus
Dan punyai mata tapi buta
Dan harus kau ingat yg merbahaya sekali
Punyai iman tapi tak berTuhan

andai, dan kalau
orang boleh jenguk hati orang lain seorang seorang,
naluri nya
atau mungkin periksa tahap remuk jantung nya.

aku rasa,
itu sudah cukup buat mereka untuk diam
mungkin sentap seketika

sebab,
sebalik setiap insan,
remuk hati, mati jiwa,
setiap perasaan yg berkecai,
tidak akan mampu didefinisikan dgn sebuah 'insan'
di luar roh dan nalurinya.

ada yg gigih sembunyi.
ada yg kecundang.
lalu mati bersama jiwa.

hello. it's me again.
life has been overwhelming. i think it's true that poetry are for sad people. i only started to write when i'm feeling sad.

i'm overwhelmed.
life has been overwhelming.
adulthood has been draining and so many things happened at once.
i'm scared and worried.
i get anxious.

will you be proud of me?
am i doing the right thing?
what should i do next?

are you home
will you open up the door
when i knock?

wish you're here
not just on my mind
nope, not just on my imagination
no.
not on the polaroid
that i stick on my wall
near to my bed
just so, i can sleep better at night

i wish you're home
that i'll be worry less
about you being away
that i have no longer to wear my sweater
just because
just because i have you
around at night

-f 831am oct 3rd

At this point everything, everything, everything, seems to be hurt.
Everything gave such a strong feelings that you cant even explain.
You're unsure and all.

You're happy and sad at the same time.

But I,
Im just done at this moment.

(thursday march 3rd 834pm)

tanda tanyaku masih tak kau jawab
.
tak sempatku tanyakan apa kau tak lelah saat bergadang?

apa kau suka menangis dibahuku?

apa kau suka saat kita berbaring senyap dilantai melihat dinding kosong?
.
.
dan segala apa yg ada di bumi
aku ingin berbahas denganmu tentang warna langit itu refleksi air laut

aku ingin berbahas dgn mu tentang korupsi dunia

aku ingin kau bernyanyi sambil aku bersyukur
.
.
Tapi
semesta tak setuju

kita tak cukup waktu..
aku harus ingat
kau memang ada
tapi kita tak pernah bertemu lagi

Back to where you belong.
Back to where you used to say 'I love you'
Back to where you used to give all you have.
Any chance? I asked
No guilty feelings, shameless.
Such a selfish
says you.

Im sorry but I want you back.
I want the old you back
I want all the sweet things back.

most of all,
I want us back.
and alive.

*(Ai, Sept 30)

Because I know you so well
You wont keep your words
or make any of my dreams come true.
Somehow it makes me sad.
and pathetic.

Im all afraid and lost that I'd died again
just like the old times.
you turned me down.
and left me hanging.
it hurts, and it's such a nightmare to me.

Because I know you so well,

*(Ai, Aug 25)

I;ve been left twice. Without knowing why the reason was.
Left unsaid. Left hanging. Left.. alone.
It puts me into despression.
I started to mute.
Being silent is my favourite.
Reading books. Alone in my room
--Something that I'd enjoy.
School?
Another depression. With people walking around me.
Staring at me like Im some kind of an idiot.
Stupid.

But,
I didnt shout to anyone who's trying to talk with me.
I screamed. I screamed thru my playlist.
-thru papers
--thru my stare.
Yes, no heard me. I like it.
People said that Im sick.
Im not sick, Im just sad.
and no one tries to understand me.
To hang myself or to cut?

*(Ai, Oct 4)

ah bagaimanalah aku bisa menulis tentangmu?
kerna tak ada bait kata bisa melukis senyummu
tak ada puisi indah dapat menceritakan bagaimana matamu bersinar cemerlang saat kau jatuh cinta,
dan tak ada tulisan yang bisa membuat tafsiran fikiranmu yang sesak.
kamu sempurna, aku sahaja yang biasa buat kamu.
.
.
malam itu kita sibuk berbahas soalan,
tapi...
tak kau habiskan cerita tentang kisah cintamu yang berakhir kejam,
tentang amarahmu terhadap ditaktor dan bencimu pada korupsi,
dan tentang bagaimana angin rindu entah dari siapa yang tak lagi menyapa pipimu...
"kamu cantik"
cara kau memutus obrolan kita,
"kamu pintar!" bilangku sebagai jawapan pada pujian itu
.
.
seperti kecewa dengan semesta yang tak pernah ramah denganmu
"dunia ini sibuk, ya? porak perandanya tak habis"
kau soalkan dunia kepada ku
seperti sengaja...
.
aku yang mentah soal dunia
dan kamu seolah tahu selok beloknya
fikiranmu kacau
banyak soalan tak berjawab
ada cerita yang tak kau bilang pada dunia
ada luka yang tak tersembuh dengan cinta
ada rindu yang tak disentuh
dan ada nama yang tak ingin kau sebut
riak muka mu aku tahu, kamu sedang tak aman
tapi kau temukan nyaman denganku
aku
yang sifatnya sementara
.
ah.. bagaimanalah aku bisa menulis tentangmu?
kamu terlalu bijaksana buat ku
kau bukan lawanku...
dan aku cuma ingin menyentuhmu
mengubat jiwamu..
ah.. bukan,
aku ingin merinduimu!
meski kita tak lagi pernah bertatap mata
.
.
.
semoga kita ketemu ya?

Weak -- I called myself.
Breathing and walking, but I cant feel any energy of mine.
Am I...even moving?
I cant even help myself.
I keep saying "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"
I..am too gentle to myself.
Somehow, people like that side of me.
Too gentle, too soft.

And people starts to waste me.
Hurt me. Smash me, **** me. Slowly
With their words, with their stare.
In silent, but with meaning.
Meaning--
hate, hate, hate you and more.

I knew, I know,
but I didnt say anything. Not because Im scared.
But because Im tired. I cant shut each of their mouth.
I cant please everyone.
I know I cant.
Because Im too gentle. Too soft.
I rarely talk.
Worst than ever, I cant express any of my feelings.
People will judge me
They'll say
Poor little girl, you're pathetic. Such an attention seeker
They said that.
I heard them. Even when they're not talking.
I can see it, in their eyes. Even if they didnt tell me what did they thought about me.

But still, I didnt speak.
I say "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"

*(Ai, Oct 3)

kamu menjauh.
itu bukan salahku
aku tak lagi rindu
aneh.. tapi nyaman.
dingin, sunyi tapi aku suka.
ketidakpastianmu aku tak rasa lagi
aku sudah aman pastinya..
tapi, ada beberapa pertanyaanku tak kau jawab
.
.
sudah kau jumpa tempat nyamanmu?
apakah sama empuk bahu itu?
apa kau menangis lepas seperti dulu?
apa kau jumpa rumahmu?
ketawamu sudah girang?
bagaimana hatimu?
baikkah orang-orang disana?
indahkah permandangan tempat barumu?
apa kau tak lagi sedar?
.
.
tempat nyamanmu bukanlah rumah, tapi orang yg memberi kau rasa cinta.
empuk bahu itu bukan tentang siapa, tapi nyaman yg kau rasa.
menangis lepas itu bukan tentang malu, tapi jujurkah kau pada dirimu sendiri?
apa kau tak lagi sedar?
.
.
.
takkan kau temu kan apa yang kau cari selagi kau tak berbaik pada semesta
.
berbaik hatilah

menangis dan berontak jiwa muda
melawan prejudis dan komunis
minda anak kecil pula dijajah
katanya ini untuk masa depan
namun mereka lupa dan sentiasa lupa
dunia ini sifatnya selamanya sementara

diktator terus tersenyum
korupsi negeri negeri menjadi bukti mereka kuasa besar
kapal empayar tidak lagi membawa selamat
malah
--membawa mangsa untuk segala seterusnya

rakyat pula umpama anak kecil
terumbang ambing dan terus merengek
gaduh rebutkan yang tak pasti
cuma ada beberapa yang berani, kan kedengaran suaranya
lalu mereka itu dibunuh
agar senyap
agar tiada masalah ditelinga

kelihatan belia itu duduk
menongkat dagu
keluh resah dan bimbangnya kedengaran
berat nafasnya
--lalu berapa lama lagi?
tanda soal yang tidak berjawab di minda nya
umpama terdampar di laut dengan pelampung
menanti untuk diselamat
tapi masih tak pasti.

seru untuk semua yang ada;
yang masih berkudrat
yang masih waras akalnya
--lalu berapa lama lagi?

-f 1029pm oct 2nd

The what-if thoughts always got me.
Always haunt me.
Always and always made me scared.

But all the beautiful thougts of you I had,
Have totally saved me.

1054pm

apa khabar?
kembali ke kotamu, apakah kau bahagia?
apa kau temu, sesat yang dahulu?
habiskah meneroka? mencari yang kau bilang ingin di cari
--?

dan,
dunia takkan pernah habis..
indah - indahnya awan hari ini akan menenggelamkan
sunyi sepi mu semalam tadi

dan
aku harap kan kau temu bahagia
apa kau cari, akan kau berhenti mengejar
kerana dunia takkan pernah habis
kau bakal lelah.

seperti kita, mencari alasan
bila - bila kita tidak setuju
tapi lupakah kau
kita sudah tertulis dan..
semoga kita setuju kelak

dan dalam menuju ke saat itu,
akan aku sering doakan mu

256pm // 2/7/20

not a poem but something that have been stuck in my head since four years ago*

High school was never easy.
Even the happiest person said that they have a bad memories in high school.
They get bullied
Some people would said that I should treasure everything that happened in my high school life.
I know. IVE TRIED SO HARD.
But I cant.
Folks in high school are weird.
Not that weird. They're...... 'weird'..
They're full with hatred
-full with negatives vibes
-full with idk why the heck they want to bad things to other people.
For me, I dont know.
I dont enjoy anything
Everything looks so depressing
Full of hate..
I tell you
I've been trying.
And its my fourth year now
Trying to be positive
Trying to understand everyone in the school
But
I think.. This things cant be help no more.

Everytime I walked into my school
My depression level increase to level 99
My loneliness can be felt..so clear
My self-esteem drop like hell

High school even teach me not to trust everyone.
-people always leave no matter what why when or how.

No wonder some people killed themself
-some kid do selfharm
-some students would ditch school
-some people do drugs just to run away from the school probs

Idk is it just me or what

Oh gosh.. I wish I can just scream at them in their face.

hey.
im enjoy taking things slow now.
im no longer in a rush. i enjoy the tedious chores and boring routines i have now.
i like doing simple and easy things now
and still feel like i have achieve something big in my life.
i still feel like i'm winning in this game of life although all i did was just existing
i no longer have the need to justify myself
i made peace with whatever the universe has to offer me
i value those people who love me for being me
i still love to hear stories from people. but this time, i also get the chance to talk about me.
i have never been heard like this

hey
i just found out, it was not that bad
i found out the world is not that cruel just like how you told me
it's unpredictable but i think i can manage it well
i guess it was you who scared of me
so that's why you wanted to scare me with the world's harsh truth
i agree. it's harsh.
but i change my point of view.
i hope you're happy with what you're doing
i hope you find yourself
please dont get lost.
i'm might not be around for you anymore

At this point im tired hopeless and i cant see us no more.
Im hurt.
Im done. So done.

But at the end of the night,
Why did you seems like trapped in my mind.

Dude, explain me why.

1259am.

Soon it's past midnight
You put your arm around my waist
And i put mine on your chest

We talk about alot of things that night
You tell me about how did you get all the bruises on your knees and all
And i'll then fall asleep in your arm
as i found joy listening to your sleepy voice

Your place your warm hand on my cheek
And I heard you said
"Im the luckiest ever"

I caught myself smiling too.

I saw you in my sleep

But its different this time
With your clueless eyes, and
I can feel it in your chest, your hopeless heart
That is beating but.. Not sure
You smiled, a plain one.
You then grab my hand
And hold it
And hug me tightly
Like a goodbye
like we're not meant to be together

I still can feel your warmth..
I look at you in the eyes
Waiting for a clue
why
You kissed me and left me clueless
And, you fade away...
And I've never seen you since then

But
Im very sure
I saw you in my sleep
I saw you in my dream

*(Ai Oct 9)

i feel you
--the moment our fingers touch
the day you promised me to be forever and always
words we spoke were all love

i still feel you
--now
next to me
the word you spoke
your warm breathe next to my neck
your fingers lingering on my hand
you were that close to me that night
so close, that i can remember your scent

i still feel you
--forever
i promise to feel you forever
to wake up next to you
our morning will forever be lazy
-as we lie all day on the bed
and listen to our heart beat as one

*did i tell you already about how much i love you?

apa khabar?
.
.
walau ku tau takkan berjawab tapi aman saja rasanya bila ku bertanya
.
kita menang, dan...
tulisan kita sudah dibaca ramai org
puisi kita di tempat pertama!
nukilan kita dibaca orang orang patah hati
.
.
.
cukup banggakah kau dengan ku?
tapi cukupkah aku untuk kamu?

melihat kamu meluru laju dan melambai
biarpun jauh, hatimu aku baca
lantas aku bilang maaf
pantas dan cepat aku meluah
jelas setiap rasa aku khabarkan

sayangku,
hakikat dunia tiada siapa mahu sunyi
namun aku harus gagahi jua rasa ini
andai ada hari kita tidak bersua seperti ini lagi
dalam tidur aku sentiasa ku rasa dakapmu
dan dalam setiap hariku, sentiasa indah dengan wujud imaginasi aku tentang kamu

sayang,
bukan kah amaran dunia pada kita sudah jelas?
tentang rindu yang tak bersahutan
cerita perasan yang sentiasa dan selamanya tak pasti
dan sentiasa aku pinta kamu
untuk terus percaya aku

lalu lembut tanganmu menyapa aku
meminta aku berhenti

entah kenapa
dalam diam dan biacaraku berhenti
aku rasa nyaman dalam dakapmu

mungkin ada pekara yang patutnya aku diamkan

--mungkin ragu aku adalah sama resah hatinya

mungkin.
?

-f 1030pm oct 2nd

life is always a hunger games.
how to survive.
to **** or not.
but u have to survive.
or else, you'll die. or get killed.

get it? no?
goodluck.

Maybe I just missed you too much today.
That I crave for your long.
That I wanted you to stay, always.

Im sorry that Im feeling this way.

I wish to be in your arm at this hour
In your warmness during these cold nights
In your hugs when Im all insecures
I wish you'd shut me with putting your fingers on my lips.
I wish you'd laugh at my lamest joke.
I wish you'd hug me from the back while I was busy doing stuff.
I wish you and I could cuddle under the blanket. No i mean just cuddle.
I wish you'd wipe away my tears when I cried and kiss me.
'Its okay Im here' just simple as that. You know you can get me.
I wish you're here playing with my hair.
I wish you'd stay.

Most of all
I wish you were mine again

*Ai, Oct 7

for all the feelings that i felt
i know it's true
but somehow
things didn't go how we wanted it to be
and i'm sorry that i'm no fortune teller
nor am i a wish granting factory

i'm sorry that you had to share with me our weird dreams
and next, i left.

i'm sorry that i asked you what music do you like
and then, i sang.
and ruined it.

i'm sorry that i once called you at night, sayin' how much i miss you
and then, i run

for whatever happens
i'm sorry that it happens

but boy,
you're the most beautiful fate i ever had.
and i'm sorry that it went wrong

i miss you
and i really do
that it hurts me when we are apart

back then it was okay to call you at 3am
now it's even rare to hear you say hello
it's even hard for you to pick up the phone

"babe. i'll be different. i'll never be like any of them"
dont babe me
--you lied
there's no any part of you shows me that you're different

i just want you to asks me if everything's okay
-want you to be there
-want you to be next to me
-want you to be honest
-want you..
i just want you...

why is it so hard for you to do so...

Im no one
and wish to be noticed by you.
wish you would share a lil bit love of yours
or care of me a lil bit.

Im in silent,
staring  at you.
--silent
but dying to be notice by you.
this special wish, I hope you know.

but, you wouldnt notice me, aite?

we often talk about the future,
how we would love each other.
endlessly.

but,
will you still kiss my scars
will you still love my flaws
will you still take a glance at my bruises
or
worst, will you dare to look at all the wounds that i own?

will you still remember the reason you love me.
you said,
"None of that matters"

but i guess,
it matters now.
as i cant feel you anymore

Im awake
Thinking bout you
But you probably in your deep sleep
With her lullaby that she sang for you

Im alone
Thinking about you
But you probably in your dreams
With her hair in your arms.
Well basically with her
--cuddling
And sleep.

You left me alone again tonight.
You love her..
You do
I can see it in your eyes
I can see the way you talk to her
I can see it when you hold her hands
Things changed.
Im no longer your favourite
Im no longer in your playlist.
Im slowly fading away from you.
Im no longer exist inside you.

I wish you can see me just like how you see her.
In the eyes.

*Ai, Oct 6

I remember the day you said you dont ever want me to leave.
but you left.

I dont want to be taken for granted.
to be used and to be forgotten.
but you really went away.

dan ada apa pula dengan rindu
rasa yang sesak di dalam
yang tak mungkin bisa kau ungkap guna bait-bait bahasa
biar bunga mahupun terus

apa itu rindu?
sakit. perit. pahit..

have you ever thought to fall in love in classic way?
like, two love birds will glance at each other eyes.
or atleast, exchange their favorite books.
or drink coffee.
or cuddle in each other's sweater at 3 am.
so he can play around with her hair.
and tell her how wonderful she was to him,
although she looks like a mess at the hour.

do you ever thought,
that this little simple things can make love grows?
we're all nowadays; actually, not in love.
we're just seeking, desiring, wanting,
to feel the love.

we dont even get the idea of falling in love.
that's why people get hurt.

hey. are you proud of me yet? i am no longer cranky over late replies. i am no longer question over short text. i am now 'independent'. i am now 'strong'. i no longer talk about my feelings that much. i no longer disappoint people. i also think i no longer asked for attention that much. i just let it happens. i just let people do whatever they want to me bcus i want people to stay in my life. is that how it works? i no longer tell people the tale of why i like daisy than roses. i no longer share to people how i love tea not because i love it but because i cannot tolerate coffee.
i no longer talk that much. bcus you taught me my thoughts werent real and it doesnt counts. are you really proud of me, yet?
i can live a day without wanting to talk to you. i am no longer clingy like how you want me to be. i no longer really wants to know your day. i no longer genuinely care about people bcus i dont want them to think of me being nosy.
look how much have i change.
the damage you have brought to me.
i dont know if i can heal.
i dont know if i will ever heal.
what about you?

I hate it
When my anger turns into tears
Because I want my ego to win and I dont want to let myself know that Im weak, that my inner me is actually a weak soul. Because I know
Because I know
I know that I need to be strong for myself

So,
I turned the volume up
So, just so
Well atleast
I cant hear myself crying

i hope you will be happier
doing things you love the most
the solitude you always wanted
-i finally got to give it away

i pray so hard
very hard that i close my eyes tightly
-so you will be happy
--without me

because im no longer
your happiness

i found the joy looking at you

-your eyes when you're talking, they sparkle
wonderful

never had i thought i'd be that person
that lucky person to own you

you made me count my blessing twice when it comes to you.

you dont understand
it's how i fight.
and how i protect you
from being hurt.

but you never seem to understand
what im trying to do
all i want to do is, to save you.

because you know i never know how to spit the word out.
im sorry that you dont understand how i roll
im sorry that im different from the others
im sorry that i crave for you attention too much.
im sorry for being me.

im so sorry. it's just me

I even feel your fingers in my hair.
Playing around with me like a little kid.
Back then, those rainy days, you'd hug me from the back.
and when you're just tired, or left with nothing,
you'd just lay on me and sigh about life.

Dont worry, my petals,
I'll stay. As long as you want me to.
I hope you'd love me more. when I say that I'd stay.

*(Ai, Sept 30)