cold nights like this.
very cold
i cant bear any.

Can i hug you till i smell like you?
Or just to
hold your hands
-to get warm

Did you caught me lying
--i just wanted to be close to you

2044 23sept

i am no longer writing poetry in this poetry site of mine. it's now a cave of wandering thoughts of mine.
if you ask me, what can you worry so much being a 24 year old female?
well, since you ask...
my mind is a busy bee. it wanders around, like a fluffy cloud holding heavy thoughts.
and it continues to grow.

at the end, little did i know.
i was in the darkness.
engulfed.
and...

apa rasanya dalam diam menghilang
datang kembali
rupanya ada puisi buat kamu.

semoga ada ayat yang bisa jelaskan rasanya
kerna aku tak kenal.
tak tahu.

salam rindu

The thing is i dont understand why you meant so much to me.
Why you left such a beautiful scar on me yet so painful.

If pain demand to be felt,
Then i agree.

But i also always wondered
Why cant we be together
Again.

i miss the way how things used to work.
i miss it the most where you'd fight for me.
i miss it, when both of us actually in a relationship

not anymore.
we fail to define love.
i dont feel any
i cant feel any

promises,
are now, only meant to be broke.

bagaimanalah aku bisa melupakan mu?
kamu yg mengajar aku untuk menulis
kata-kata ku tak punyai riak muka untuk menunjuk rasa
kamu yg mengajar aku untuk menulis...

saat dunia sedang sibuk berkelahi
bait kata-katamu datang seolah memujukku
memelukku erat

"dunia bakal aman nanti"

i found the joy looking at you

-your eyes when you're talking, they sparkle
wonderful

never had i thought i'd be that person
that lucky person to own you

you made me count my blessing twice when it comes to you.

babe
i thought it was me
the girl in your dreams
--through your lonely sleep
the one you held so close to your chest
i thought it was me
--you're feeling for

behind all my thoughts was all your thoughts about her

Im tired

sememangnya dunia sedang menghukum aku
atas segala kata kata, janji manis aku

untuk menjadi yg terbaik sentiasa
mudah aku alpa tentang sifat kita
yang mana mungkin kita bisa sempurna

Tuhan,
doa aku sentiasa satu
untuk diberkati sepanjang hidup ini

The rush we had at 3am, that we shared.
The messy me and I still hope for a chance to be noticed by you.

Opening my veins, so I can let you see the inner me.
And touch that side of me.
That my blood actually running fast towards you.
And you see I gasp for air and all.

Gosh, you're that special to me.
I swear no one else got me feeling that lucky and lush

i remember the day we set our eyes on each other
you have this sharp eye
that really see things clearly
so sure about what you're doing but still shy

you looked away when i was talking
but you're listening
i dont know if it was a leisure to you
or did you really enjoy my voice
i have no idea

but Lord,
i love you.
and i forget none of your touch

Died
left hanging.

half of me
died
and gone

i dont know
im not sure

im done

melihat matamu
kerap kau basahi bibir
pipi kamu kemerahan
tatkala aku sahut namamu

redup hari itu
tenang kamu kelihatan
indah,
indah seperti hari biasa
cuma hari ini aku rasa lain

hati aku berbisik
tangan lembut ini yang menyamankan
yang sentiasa ada tatkala aku gusar
gelisah aku tentang kamu cuma satu
--andai aku tidak layak untuk kamu

tanpa segan
perlahan kau dekati aku
sambil itu kau belai tangan aku,
seperti meletak harapan
"--aku tahu, fikiran kamu dalam tentang aku.
namun sayang ingatan kamu tentang aku adalah salah.
apalah rasa ini, andai tiada yang ikhlas untuk memegangnya?
telah aku pilih kamu untuk jadi ratu
maka, jangan kau gentar
pimpin aku akan selalu tanganmu"

dia itu adalah bijaksana
sentiasa tahu
dan selalu tahu resah aku yang tiada habis

lalu Tuhan
pinta aku mahu dia sentiasa selamat



-f 1048pm oct 2nd

salah aku adalah apabila aku setuju untuk selam hati kamu
dan terus aku teliti semua yang ada

salah aku,
tersentuh kamu
dalam rasa, segala indah

sayang
andai dapat aku ulangi semua
ku akui
pinta aku adalah untuk bersama kamu
ingin aku adalah untuk dekat kamu
mahu aku adalah cuma kamu

dan maaf
sempurna itu jauh dari aku
sasar dari segala milik diri aku

sayang
mungkin cinta itu bukan milik kita
mungkin kita hanya punya rasa
mungkin kita salah
..
.
.

mungkin

look. how far we've moved on.
into completely strangers.
even with saying hello, we made it **** so awkward.
i cant breathe when i see you.
and my heart aching and breaking, and im completely lost when seeing you.
and her.
i dont know.
i missed us too much i guess.
us, the strangers, now.
the completely lost one.
i wish we or us can stay even longer.
or love longer.
atleast.

besides, im just a mess
terrible mess
where no one would love me for who i am
(again)
where no one would dare to see the real me
im all tired keeping this inside
not pretending but
trying to be the best
i cant compete, i know i'll lose
and lost myself
that's the worst part

i wish to be lucky
i said that, and not knowing how blessed i am
i wish to be her
i said that so can feel love
but i never knew she has her dark sides too

well, what's the point anyway?
we're going to say goodbye in the end.
we're going to be left in the end
we're going to walk away in the end
letting things go is the point.

*(Ai, March 22)

will you love me when you see the true colour of me?
-the ugly side of me?

or

will you ever say that im pretty?
-when i cry?
-when i'm awake at 2am in the morning?

will you stay after all the imperfections, scars, and the pathetic me?
will you?
will you say those words again..?

because i wish for nothing,
all i ever desire and crave for was,
wanting you to stay.
even during my ugly days.

(28th May 14, Wed)
*Ai

your fingers, that used to touch my nose,
--are not mine anymore.
your giggles that caught me gazing over you,
--none of its were mine again

we used to talk. we used to walk together.
with love
sigh
what if we didnt die that day?
what if we love more..
what if we stay a bit longer..

you let me die
you dont even try to save me
you let me drown
you let me down
you let me walk away

*(Ai, Sept 26)

I look so ugly at 3am.
Im a mess when I woke up.
Im not that attractive while walking down the streets.
And i wonder how did you love me
And how can you say that Im beautiful.
Dont lie.  
You dont love me.
You are lonely
You are bored
You missed being loved
And thats why you wanted me to stay.

Im going to share a story
A story that people thought they knew
  A story where people dont actually wants to hear
   A story that people never have a thought that it would be true
    A story that made people cries over the reality of life.
     A story that made people felt bad about themself
       A story that made people sad and pity over their own society.

Depressed. Self-harming. Suicidal thoughts.

None of these are jokes.
I've touch the scars and bruises they had.
-Im sorry. I found joy in these
They said.

And tell me now
How sad.
How sad our society are.
That we thought we knew
That we thought we understand
But we let them to do so.

The suicidal thoughts are worst.
Their nights are sleepless one.
None of it is well
-I'd be better off by tomorrow
They said.
Now thats just how much our people care.

What a shame