I am shocked, shocked I tell you
Stunned is what I am!
I can't complete a sentence
Without a stutter or a stumble

My hand is shaking
There's tears in my eyes
I can't stop thinking in my mind

So many words are cluttered
In my brain
In my heart and soul

I want to let those words out
Cry them, scream them
But I can't
I can't without the hate
I can't do without the opposition
I can't without the homophobia
And the words I cannot repeat
To the ears of the youth

The result of that is sadness
Sadness for me
For my spirit and my sanity
They think I'm crazy
Nutty, mad, bananas
But I'm not alone

I'm sure others are mad
Maybe madder than me
Probably sipping tea
Coffee, water or milk
Maybe eating what I eat
Maybe saying what I say

I'm only able to express them
Explain them all here
No one hates
No one fights
No one laughs
No one taunts

We cry the same tears
We speak with the same voice
We have different opinions
And express them differently
But we have similar thoughts....

Oh!
There goes my wondering mind
Shocked again by what I thought
Stunned, yes that's what I am

Three pyramids
Three stars in the sky
Is that not strange?

What mysteries are
Hidden in the sands
By the ancient ones?

Who helped them up?
How did they go so high?
In the night time sky?

Did the River Nile
Guide them here safe and sound?
How did they float up?

So many questions
But the right time comes
They are unanswered

You can't take it
You can't live with it
The pain is too much
The kids at school
They keep hurting you
Or maybe it was your father
Maybe your mother
Maybe they're both dead
Like how you will be soon
Maybe you're in love with abusers
Maybe you are simply sad
But either way
You can't take it anymore

You take a rope from the attic
You grab a gun from the cuboard
You steal a knife from the kitchen
You're at the bridge over the river
You're on a railway with a train
Wherever you are
Whatever you have
It doesn't matter now

You take a rope from the attic
The kids at school
They taunt you and laugh
They say they wish you were dead
Well their wish is coming true
You're suffocating
You're silent
You're gone

You grab a gun from the cuboard
Safety is off
You're in your room
You whisper a goodbye
To the father who hurt you
To the brother who loves you
BANG
The shot can be heard for miles
You're gone

You steal a knife from the kitchen
Your mother's prying eyes
Who breaks your heart
With hateful words
You're in your bathroom
You hold the knife to your wrist
Your lifeline is bleeding out
The blood is on the white floor
You're gone

You're on a bridge
There's a cold and fast flowing
River of tears and sorrow
Your mother is gone
Your father is gone
Time for you to go
You leave your other family
Who are grieving with you
You jump
You fall
You're gone

You're at a railway with a train
Ready to hit you with pain
It wouldn't be the driver's fault
It was the abuser
You thought loved you
But you were wrong
You are hit by the train
It stops with your broken heart
You're gone

Where is the rope burn?
It burns your parents
They weep and wail
They lost their child
They're sunk into a sea of sadness
They read the note
They beg dear god above
" why were we not enough? "

Who did you shoot?
Your brother's chest
He's staring silently
At his sibling's dead body
As he stutters and sobs
He wonders
" why was I not enough? "

Who was stabbed?
Why your sister
She doesn't know who to talk to
She doesn't know who can help
As she screams for the neighbors
As your heartbeat stops
" why was I not enough? "

Who drowned?
The family you left behind
Your uncle is silent
Your aunt is shocked
Your cousins, your grandparents
They cant believe it
" why were we not enough? "

Where is the wound?
It bleeds in your friends' hearts
No matter how many you have
Or rather had
They can't stop crying
They can't stop thinking
" why were we not enough? "

Your name is in the papers
You're on the front covers
The world is full of tears
The news reporter is upset
There's a book with your name
There's ****** roses on your grave
Marked with your name

You stop
You think
You put away the rope
You put the gun back
You replace the knife
You walk away from the bridge
You run off the railway
You hide your tears in the rain
But you think
Think, think.
Maybe you can live one more day
Or two days, three days,
Four days, five days, six days
A week or two
A month or more
A year or so
Maybe forever

Men and women around the globe
Mothers, grandmothers and aunts
Fathers, grandfathers and uncles
All parents from all over the world
I have written this poem to state
Simple facts about children
That have been dismissed
With a wave of a hand
Or ignored with a turning of heads

Children sometimes need space
Don't tell them to socialise
All of the time
They need a break
Just to be on their own
They don't need to do things
All of the time
Sometimes they want to rest
Or to simply do nothing

Don't go at them about everything
Sometimes they can't help it
Things can be unpredictable
Like hurricanes or death
Help them when they need it
Not every time
They'll never know how to do it
All on their own otherwise

How do I know this?
I am a child
I was a child
I will always be a child
I know that you need space
That you need a break
That you need to have an escape
From the world sometimes

I'm in a forest
A huge winding forest
One that twists your mind
One that makes you wonder
Where you must go
And I'm lost in this forest
This deep and lonely forest
Almost dark and lonely as me

I give up finding my way out
I pitch my tent
I gather wood and light a match

It's a simple spark
Barely lighting the dark
But it makes me warm inside
Soon I am surrounded by warmth
More warmth than before

The wolves howl along
To my silent songs and hums
Owls hoot and fireflies flicker
All dancing along to the tune
The flames are lighting up the dark
And so are the fireflies
I'm not so alone anymore

The man in the moon
He's such a pale white
He gives such a nice glow
The children, the stars
They seem to be dancing too
They seem to be giggling with me

I sleep the darkness away
Morning comes
And I'm ready to face a new day

" why do you wear all those badges? "
My brother frowns at me.
" they'll take away all the colour on your hoodie. "

" I like them. " I reply bluntly.

' BUT THEY ARE COLOURFUL! AND I LOVE THEM! '
I want to yell.
But I hide my rage with a sigh

" you really should join the play!
You'd be amazing! "
My mother says.

" b-but I don't want to..."
I mumble and look down

" but you should! What about the plays you did as a child? "
My mother glares.

' BECAUSE OF ALL THE PEOPLE
ALL THE LINES
I CAN'T DO IT
I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE! '
I want to yell.
But I hide my rage with a shrug.

" you look like a *****. "
My father glares at my blue clothes
" you look like a mess. "

' I'M SORRY
BUT I CAN'T SEE IN THE DARK
YOU NEVER GAVE A BULB '
I want to glare.
But I hide my rage with silence.

" brush your hair! "

' I ALREADY HAVE! '

" clean your teeth! "

' I'VE DONE SO ! '

" have your hair loose! "

' I LIKE IT THAT WAY! '

" do that, do this! "

" your grades are failing! "

" get your act together! "

Can't they see they are the cause?
Can't they I'm sad.
I'm crying in my room.
I write sad songs and poems
In my room alone.
Alone.
Without them.
Without criticism.

I want to scream.
Shout or yell at them.
They always moan at me.
Only my friends understand
Like good friends do.
They don't.
I want to let out everything
Tell them how insecure I feel.

But I hide my rage
My sadness
My hatred for pity
My feeling of being an outcast
I hide it all with a fake smile.

" hello? "

I ask as I open the black door.

Silence greets me kindly
Letting me in so gentlemanly.

School bag off.
Get a snack.
School back on.

I march the stairs
Sounding like an xylophone
Creaking away as I charge
I reach the top.
My bedroom door is shut
Locking my art and poems away
Never to be heard or seen
By family or friends
But strangers on the media

I open the door.
My sofa has a blanket of clothes
My floor covered with magazines
To be destroyed and cut up
Into a more stranger yet beautiful
Type of art, a collage of photos
Of famous people and models
Taken by famous photographers
Who's names are unknown to me.
Maybe I'll join the list someday
But who knows?

I slip off my socks and shoes
Rip off my prison uniform
Sorry, meant school
But it's a prison to me in my mind

I armour myself with band shirts
A pair of tie-dye shorts
And I'm barefoot
So I feel like I'm walking on grass

I take my snack, a scone
A cup of tea
A packet of crisps*
And settle down onto my bed

My bed isn't like your bed
It's a bunk bed
No one sleeps on top
My brother used to
But he left me be
And I use its banister
As a railing for my own curtain
To hide my own bed
Hide away my emotions
Hide me and cover me
As I sleep

Silence greets me again
It rests upon me as I start to write
My poems and stories

No one to bother me
No one to hurt me
No one to pressure me
No one to get me down

The only sound is
My grandmother's TV
Did I mention she lives with me?
Don't worry, she loves me
She wouldn't tell a secret
Like I don't tell hers

The sound of my breathing
The sounds from my phone
Blasting music through my room
The sounds of the wind
A nearby train
Cars passing by

The peace is shattered
So I wave it goodbye
The front door cracks open

" hello? "

My mother calls.

" are you ok? "

" I'm fine! "

I reply with a fake smile
Even though she can't see
My frown of disappointment

I needed to be alone more

The Bell’s ringing again
Another day of torture
Another walk of shame
And another crowd to follow

I’m standing in line
Everybody is laughing
Everybody is smiling
But I’m not
I’m covering my ears
I’m starting to cry
The words they say
Are echoing again
  It’s another long day

My classmates say
They understand my pain
That they’ll stay quiet for me
then why am I having a meltdown
In the middle of corridor chaos

My heart is pumping
I’m humming loudly
But nothing can block out the noise
I’m being pushed and shoved
In the long narrow room

I   C A N ‘ T  T A K E  IT

Stay SILENT For Me
What hidden meaning does it have?
Rearrange the letters in Silent
Here is my message
LISTEN to me

“ why would he do that? “ the victim’s mother screamed.

Saltwater tears fell to the wooden floor.

Silence for a moment.
Then speech from the witness.

” I don’t know! I just saw him with ****** hands! “

I took a long look at the man whom they call ‘ the criminal ‘.

He had a smirk on his face
He said nothing
But I knew what he was saying

“ what other proof do we have aside from the witnesses? “ I enquired.

“ a woman saw him in a shop, stealing a knife and slipped it in his belt. “

“ and I recognise him from a picture on a trophy shelf. “

Silence again.

The sentence comes
The volcano erupts
He explodes
He yells
He pleads
Nothing can convince the guards
Who have no mercy or heart
The guns of the firing squad
The holder of ropes
The press of a button

Silence
We take our leave
I get home
More silence
Knock knock
No one is home

I let out the sigh I held in
I take a glass of sweet whisky
I sleep.
I dream of ****** hands,
A knife in a belt
And a wanted poster on a trophy shelf.

I see him on the screen of the TV
As the bold headlines
Of the newspapers flash
"MAN CAUGHT AFTER ATTEMPTED ******
LAST FRIDAY NIGHT"
As a victim's heart took a final beat

The outraged look on the reporter
Says she's mad but she can't say
And the media is screaming
"HOW DARE HE?"
It was an innocent human after all
But was it worth it?

I'm flicking through the article
Says the murderer was imprisoned
Spending the rest of his life
Stuck behind bars in a prison yard

" he's probably regretting it. "
Says Mum, who's sipping her tea
" I wonder what he's thinking. "
Says Dad who's leaving for work
I knew what I was thinking
" was it really worth it? "

Right now he's receiving death
As his punishment
A little much to me
But I suppose he should know
What it's like to be a chalk outline.
He's probably got a rope as a tie
Maybe chair straps as bracelets
His bones turning electric
Maybe he's got a bullet in his brain
His blood on the ground
As the criminal's heart takes
One last beat

But was it worth it?
To commit a crime?
A crime he'd be punished for
Was he asking for suicide?
Or was he mad inside?
Guess that's for the media
to decide

A single boy
A cross around his neck
Praying in the church he loves
Even though they throw sticks
Even though they throw stones
Words can never hurt him
He's praying to his father saying
" I really love this boy!
I'm sorry father but I love him so
I know you wouldn't mind
But I want you to know that "

A single girl
School uniform on
She's saying to her only best friend
" I love girls is it wrong?
I don't know what to do!
My father will **** me
My mother will too!
I love this one girl
Sitting in my maths class.
I hope she's my friend
Hope she feels the same "

When the kids at school discover
These two humans' secrets
They are laughing and laughing
And shoving them to the floor
As the support comes in
Saying " this is not right
Screaming at these innocent saying
" DEATH TO THESE VICTIMS
WHO COMMITED A SIN
GOD DOES NOT ALLOW THIS "
" If he really doesn't..."
A quiet voice replied
" Then why are they allowed to
Exist like me and you? "

I get up in the morning
The weekend has finally come
If it's called the weekend
When the weekend in the beginning of the week
Then why don't we call it 'week beginning'?

While I ponder this in my mind
I laugh and chatter using texting
How? By going on my phone
Obviously after having breakfast

"I gtg guys, gonna do some browsing" I text then go online
To check the news
And see what's happened
While I was gone

"ENGLAND IS MY CITY"
One post reads
"No it's a country :/"
I respond with a face not really
Describing my confusion

"Why can't I sleep?"
Someone asks from another timezone
"Becuase you're on this website
That ruins sleep"
"Actually it's because of the light
From your shining device.
That causes your lack of sleep."
I explain
"LOL I was just joking!"
The person responds with a laughing face
'How on earth is that a joke?'
My mind makes me ponder

The usual hate, questions, laughing, the lot
Until I log off and take a walk
To clear away the web of confusion
I know so very well.

I'm running through a forest
Being chased down by guns
The owners of these weapons
I can't be caught be them now
In the grasp of death
Left for my blood to soak the floor

Words cannot hurt can they?
Then why do they feel like rocks
Shattering the silenced glass
Or a gunshot in the air
And a bullet through my heart.

I'm still running
Snap snap
The branches snapped beneath me
Snap snap, snap snap
They're getting further away

The gunshot is sounded
I fall to the ground
And roll under a bush
Hidden from the world
My only space of peace
Invaded by war

In the church as the pastor starts to talk
About the good white angels from heaven  
that sent all evil black demons to hell
I don't know, I've thinking since then
About something that's been puzzling me
What a white Angel is bad?
What if a black demon is good?
What if the white Angel does bad?
What if the black demon repents?
Can you be black and white?
Or will you just be a shade of grey?
What would happen an angel loved a demon?
What if a demon loved an angel?
What if a demon saved a human life?
Would someone even care at all?

She's got diamonds dripping from her neck
and around her skinny wrist
And many other places that Would take years to list
From her eyes when nothing is alright for her
When nothing is perfect or clean
She has pretty little diamond on her ears too
And hanging around her long blonde hair
Her face is a diamond glare
When she sees the ones she hates
The victims who did nothing
But have none of her diamonds
Some of them are jealous and wanting a few
But she just snaps their hearts in two
And leaves them there on the floor
Her body dressed in diamonds
Her shoes are twinkling with them too
And no one ever looks at her
When they see her diamond glare

Here in this little tale
That I am going tell
Is a simple scenario with three main roles
Starring
A bully, a victim and a bystander

The victim is walking down the hall
And thinking about his life
He lost his father in the lake of sorrow
While his mother fell off it's bridge

The bully is being abused
Which is giving him an excuse
To roam the halls like a prison warden
Or a ghost in a haunted home

The bully sees the victim
They catch each other's eye
An evil glare comes out of the bully's eye

The victim tries to escape
Yet he's caught before he can
And now blood is dripping down
upon the hallway floors
The victim is screaming ****** ******
And begging for mercy
The bully laughs and hits him harder
No remorse or regret

What's the role of the bystander?
Does he run for help?
Does he call out for a teacher?
Does he run and save the victim?
Does he do a thing?

The sad answer is no
He only stands there and stares
More heartless than a body
Made of solid stone

Will you be the victim's hero?
Will you help him out?
Will you join the bully's side?
Will you beat him up?
Will you be a bystander
and not do a thing?
It's up to you
You decide

Who are you going to be?
The hero, the bystander or the bully.

" don't tell anyone. " she whispered and clung to my hand.

" I would never. " I responded and sealed the deal.

She came to school seven days ago with bruises, marks and scars.
But she hides them so that only I can see them.

Six days ago I discover her father has gone mad
Becuase he lost his job and suddenly turned bad
He drunk the devil's drink and often hollered with rage
At his daughter who couldn't do a thing

Five days ago her mother died
Of a broken heart
She couldn't take the pain
And let her daughter have it all

Four days ago her funeral was empty except for us
Her father with bloodshot eyes
And smelling of alcohol

Three days ago my loving mother asked " is everything ok? "

I smiled saying it was fine but nothing was ok.

Two days ago she said " I just can't take it anymore.
He's hitting me and hitting me with everything he got "

Yesterday I last saw with tears in her eyes
But didn't listen when I said everything will be alright

Tonight my father knocked at my door
My mother is sobbing on the kitchen floor
He said with a cracked voice that she killed herself last night
She said

" thank you for everything
But I can't take it anymore.
Just live your life and forget about me
Just like everyone else did
Tell the teachers I won't be coming to school today
My homework isn't done
And my work is all gone
Tell everyone in school to not worry about me
I'll be in heaven or hell soon
But I don't know which
I'm running out of room to write
And I just want to say
Remember to speak up someday
Cos silence isn't always golden "

Mummy said bad things today
She screamed until she coughed and choked
I don't know why she does those things
And ignores her only child
Daddy hit me hard today
He send me stumbling to my bruised knees
I don't know why he does those things
And hurts his only child
Those kids hurt me at school and ripped my drawing of pain
Into tiny pieces
Why do they do those things
To a humble child?
The teacher never listen
They don't care if I'm dead or alive
I wonder how they'd feel
If their student shot themselves tonight?
If a child died they'd come running
But they'd never come running to me.

One moment mother was at my left
One moment father was at my right
The next moment they were gone
Simply lost in the crowd
All at once chaos struck
Like lightning on the ground
Sticks and stones were thrown around
With words of hate hurling everywhere
I ran foreward, my movements swift
My heart racing and pounding
My hands were numb, my head was spinning
I ran on as the fight broke out
No one cared, no one saw
They were focused on war and conflict
They didn't care for a single sad child
Who was lost in the crowd
No one to help him
No one to save him
No one to find him in the crowd