I'm tired of this...

This is it.
Six years come and gone.

I love you.
I tried so ******* hard.

You said you loved me.
But I really wonder if that's true.

My heart hurts.
I'm sick of trying though.

I wish it was easier.
I know what has to be done.

Doesn't mean I want to.
But I cannot waste my life here.

If you will not try.
If you don't want to be with me.

If we don't want the same future.
We can't work towards it together.

Pulling in different directions.
Will only hurt us both more.

I can't do this all alone.
But you're not trying to help me.

I have stated my needs perfectly.
And you have stared straight through them.

As much as this breaks my heart.
Why should I suit you anymore.

You put yourself first.
So I will love myself instead.

If you really truly loved me.
You would have at least tried to keep me.

It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’

I have bared my soul,
Spoke my truth,
To all who would listen.

I walked through the flames,
Wondering if I would be burned,
Or scarred on the other side.

I wore it like a badge of honour,
Spoke through tears in my eyes,
And a lump in my throat.

And they did not stop me,
I stopped, I breathed, I spoke,
Composed my truth through broken sobs.

I felt the fear course through my heart,
Saw my pulse beat under my t shirt,
And proceeded to show them my hurt.

I expected rejection, repulsion at my weakness,
But I was revered and my bravery applauded,
Reborn through their kindness and acceptance.

Baptised through the fire of my own heavy truth,
The reward a sea of calm waves and white clouds and endless space,
And a lightness I have not companioned in some time.

When I was young,

I found out I could become invisible.

I didn’t notice straight away,

but there were moments over time,

In the day to day where people,

Would see through me,

As though I was air.

It took time to figure out,

As all skills do.

But it seemed the more I desired it,

The more it illuded me.

At the moments I needed it most,

It was not there.

And at the moments I wanted to be seen, or helped, or loved…

It worked.

It lies shattered and worn.
So many times, broken before.

I wonder if it can even be mended.
So many tiny pieces to be collected.

I stare at it a long time on the floor.
Considering if I can be bothered anymore.

Hearts and trust are not made to be broken.
But given my record I’d swear that they were.

I have not had one person not betray or abandon.
So, at this point I question my ability to care

and forgive and forget and to love without question
vs my suspicions of lies, deceit, hurt and more pain.

I’m at a crossroads here the choice is love or sense
to risk it all or to walk away.

As I lay in the darkness
Playing with shadows
Entertaining phantoms
That may never pass
The moon slowly ducks
Behind some houses
The sky is still dark
But a solitary birdsong
Cuts through the darkness
Like a knife
A lonely but brave call
To the sun to free it
From the darkness
So it may spread it's
Wings once more and
Take flight.
The solitary song
Continues sad but
Brave and beautiful
My heart hurts
For this tiny creature.
For how can it trust
That the sun will
Respond to it's lonely call
As it echos though the still night?
But then through the inky darkness
As the silence settles in
Another faraway song begins
To ****** through the night air
And another and another...
Beautiful brave calls
Determined to break the darkness
In their unity.
Different sounds echo in
A chorus across the already
Lightening night sky,
As though their very calls
Are strong enough to call
Forth the sun
And pull it up by it's roots
And for a moment I nearly believe it.
The chorus grows louder
And more diverse
Pretty song birds
Twittering sweet notes
To the lush low of seagulls
Calling to the sun to rise up
And suddenly as if
Beckoned by their calls
A single ray of sun breaks
The horizon
As their song
Hits a crescendo
And then a lull
As though temporarily humbled
By the sun's answer
To their call
Before bursting
Into full chorus again
In celebration and awe
As the sun rises
For another beautiful day.

You know that pain
the one that creeps in
from the edges of your mind
in the early hours of the morning
as you lie awake and think.

The one that furrows your brow
as you stare at the ceiling
watching shadows move
as sleep evades your
exhausted body and mind.

The one that eats away
at good memories
and solid trust
in relationships
you thought were unbreakable.

The one that brings up
awful memories
and so much guilt
about things that
shouldn’t even matter anymore.

The one that feasts upon
your self-esteem and confidence
and leaves a mere husk in
your wake after yet another
sleepless night.

You have taken everything
I have and this is the time
you choose to ease up
and leave me completely
and utterly alone.

And where am I to turn
to now, without even bad
feelings for company?