im not going
to compete
for someone
who is not mine,
that is not the
game for me.

my thoughts shiver
because ive gotten
sick to my stomach
from all the mess
inside my heart

this heart of mine
grows simultaneously
weaker and stronger,
you see,
every time I try to
explain myself,
it flourishes,
but when
my voice is taken
for granted,
it withers away.

my thoughts
have invaded
continents
long before
descending on
this mind
of mine

i’ve taught myself
to be silent when
i shouldn’t,
and now i’m not
when i should,

there i go,
obliviously, relentlessly
and uncontrollably making
my voice worthless and worth less.

this mind grew tired
of feelings of helplessness,
this body cannot endure
the pain,
these hands can no longer
afford to tremble in weakness,
these lungs involuntarily
pump life into me
as these years slowly
escape from thy
inward eyes.

i don’t trust you
to love me through
thick and thin,
when you’re
holding my hand
and when the
distances grow
unplanned,
to think of me
always and
not just when
you need a fan,
when you know
me by heart
but not understand,
to give me space
and not let me
push you away,
when i need your
presence and
your silence as well,
to help me through
my mistakes but
not ease the pain,
when you share
who you are with me
and i don’t get scared.