Velvety paint
Upon wings
Creating elegance
And grace;
Angelic creatures
Flutter around
Traveling miles
Landing gently
On some
Rose blooms
Staring again
Another day

Eyes open
Hospital room
Nurses rushing
Drilling questions
Mind blank
Tongue frozen
Confused thoughts
Scared expression
Concerned faces
Scribbled words
Heartbreaking results
Deathly silent
Mouth opens
"Diagnosis, amnesia..."

She's made of poems n' paper airplanes
Soaring through the sky she may

Changing the world,
One word at a time

He smelled of a bonfire;
Burnt wood and charcoal ashes
With a hint of a dewy forest musk

Why must it be him?
Where have you gone?

I like the feeling of tight sports bras
To hide what little I have
And to make me feel secure

I like the feeling of tight sleeping bags wrapped around me
To hold me
And to make me feel like someone else holds me as I rest

I like the feeling of tight cozy jackets and sweaters
To soothe my soul
And to make me feel snuggly

I like the feeling of wires, ropes, and belts wrapped tightly around my throat
To cut off my circulation
And to watch my face turn a nice dark red-purple

The wind blowing
Flowers of all kinds
Throwing them into a beautiful dance;
Soft petals and rose blossoms
Creating sweet scents
Inviting bumblebees and other buzzy creatures
To help them live

Lull early morning
A field, small flowers sway soft
With singing blossoms

I love my flower
So fair and simple,
Dreamy petals
With two velvety leaves;
I’ve realized as it grows,
I feel happy

I cannot help but stop and look at plants
Do plants make you shiver?
Do they?

I cannot help but stop and look at small blossoms
Never forget the dazzling and opaline blooms

I cannot help but stop and look at rose blooms
Growing up into the cliche of eternal love
An overrated action towards relationships

I wonder how happy a rosebush would be
A rosebush is prickly yet artful;
A rosebush is clever, however

Flowers
Delicate, wild
Blooming, dancing, swaying
Making the world go ‘round
Blossoms

Goodbyes are not forever
Goodbyes are not the end
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again...

I wanted to know if you'd want a letter
If I were to leave
But I told myself it wouldn't matter;
They wouldn't care

So I stared at your name
And thought about how you'll go to school
But I won't be there

How I won't just be home, sick
I'll be found dead by my mother when she goes to wake up my siblings but asks her boyfriend to open the bathroom door instead
For the door is locked, my shoes and bag are near the front door still, and there's no response

I thought about how you'd find out about my death
If the school would be told and they'd announce it
Maybe you'd stumble upon a newspaper and see my obituary
Or maybe a part of you would just know

I reminded myself of people I love
How I'm scared of what happens after I die
And the thoughts of what hell could be like
I tried to tell myself God would understand
But nobody would care about me;
I deserve to suffer like the ******* I am

I ask myself what my final words should be
But I can't think of anything original and deep to say
So all I can say is I apologize for what I've done
And I hope you forgive me, let go, and move on to have a happy life

I'm finished and I'm done
Now everyone knows

What's it matter Makayla?
You're nothing to everyone.

I should've known I can't trust anyone
For they only leave in the end
No matter how many reasons they have to stay
And memories that should keep them around

You said you'd always be there
But,
You left
And now I don't know where you are
Nor do I want to look desperate searching everywhere for you

What did I do
For you to leave?

With the knowledge that my skin is healing
That my cuts are fading
Makes me want to create more
So my "friends" never leave
And my little relapse depression party can rave on

I'm told not to speak my mind
That I should hide my emotions
And that I can't speak the truth
Indirectly and secretly they say,
"Just let your mind **** you."

I've been struggling with sleep
All because insomnia and nightmares are a thing
And this is all my fault somehow
So when I can't fall asleep until 2am
And end up missing the bus because I overslept a little
I get yelled at and blamed

I've been struggling with depression
All because of school and my family exist
And this is my fault somehow
So when I start thinking about suicide and self-harm
And end up confiding in someone because I don't want to feel so empty
I get yelled at and blamed

I've been struggling with school
All because depression and lack of sleep are a thing
And this is my fault somehow
So when I request to stay in my homeroom all day
And actually use what special treatment service is available to me
I get yelled at and blamed

It seems I can never do anything right anymore

If you could take all the words
In the language,
It still wouldn't describe how much
I love you;
I love you more than everything

Earlier I relapsed
Cutting away my woes and letting my pain seep out;
But then I stopped,
Realizing how many promises I was breaking
And how many hearts I was shattering

I felt weak in my knees
Falling to the ground I cried
Ashamed and guilty
How could I do such a thing to those I love?

Panic set in,
I can't let anyone know
Because I don't want to go back to that hell
That cursed and wretched psychiatric hospital
That's more like a prison with schedules and timed everything;
Painted over windows and white walls that hold tallies of torturous days and child-like scribbles
That makes it more of a trigger than everything else

But soon enough I gathered myself;
I took a hot shower,
And stood in front of the mirror practicing my smile
While I planned what outfits to wear with foundation to hide what I've done

So now all is okay and fine,
And I'm alright;
At least,
I think so...

I haven't done it in a while,
But seeing the faded outline of my friends,
The scars that make me feel calm,
Made me want them back

I used to run my fingers along the cuts
As if I was reading braille to soothe my head;
Because I felt like those fresh wounds,
Were my only friends along with my blades

Those blades and the scars that accompanied them were something I could count on,
No matter how bad my day was I could cry all night
And sit in the bathroom mirror and talk to myself as I stared into my own eyes
Letting my blade dance across my skin,
Leaving a beautiful red trail;
The stinging sensation that came after that turned into the blissful pleasure,
That wonderful feeling I once loved was something I couldn't remember
Until today;

I wasn't even sad at the moment
It was just something my mind drove me to do out of sheer nostalgia
Because seeing the faded outlines of my scars
Counting each one replaying the night I created them
And remembering how close they were to me and that they were once my friends
Brought it all back;

So I threw a little self-harm depression party once again,
I created this little get together
And invited those old friends and demons of mine
Where my blade once again danced
And my scars then cried red;
Where I stared into my dark chocolate brown eyes
And let tears of my own claw their way out;
Where I smiled and laughed, talking to myself saying how much I missed the stinging pleasure
And relapsed again for the first time in a while

I thought about how what I was doing was something so wrong
And I told myself I was sadistic for laughing because I missed the sensation
But my god does it feel so right
I guess that's why so many people
Do all these things that slowly **** them;
Just as I do with self-harm...

I think that
I was only made,
That I'm only in people's lives,
And that I'm only people's friend,
To be used...

I don't think this is working out;
You and I that is...

It's not like we're dating
And our relationship is just mutual and platonic,
So why do you affect my mood so much?

You determine if I feel social enough to talk to everyone else
If I feel confident and joyful
You determine if I feel silly and all giggly
If I feel careless and depressed
You determine it all because I'm so clingy and attached to you

But why?

One step out of my comfort zone
But a step into making our bond stronger
Give me an inch yet I take a mile

I stay alert and cautious
But my walls fall and I become too clingy

You leave and I don't know what to do with myself
Bored and sad I wait patiently for you
Struggling to resist the urge to blow your phone up with messages
So I refuse to talk to anyone else
Until I hear from you first

I sit here now sad and depressed
Over something so stupid
All because
I'm too clingy

I've been trying to be more social
To step out of my own little comfort bubble
But I guess I got carried away,
I just enjoyed what new things I've done a little too much
So I apologize to those I've now annoyed
I guess I got too happy and clingy
So now I know to not be social
To just stay hidden away and disappear...

Last night I stared at my scars
And I realized how much I missed them...

I'm done with living
So game over,
And goodbye~

For some reason,
I want the school to know that I killed myself when I do it
Or even if I'm not successful,
I want them to still know I tried to leave this world;
That I tried to relieve everyone of the pain and annoyance of dealing with me,
And that I tried to leave like everyone wants

I want the principal to announce my death or my attempt over the intercom
That way everyone hears I'm finally gone
So they can cheer and celebrate
Or that way everyone hears I failed
So they can shake their head in disgust and look down upon me

But for some reason,
I just want everyone to know for some sick reason
And I guess that's selfish and bad...

Right now,
I just want to die;
I want to hurt myself and disappear somehow, one way or another
And no one would notice or care

I still like the color black,
For it makes me feel and reminds me of many different things all at once
So I stare at the black filing cabinet in mathematics,
Thinking of the different emotions and things that come to mind
And all at once words rushed to me flooding my brain;

Comfort, rebels, tumblr, sophistication, grim reaper, grunge, cute boys, death, beetles, hipster, cigarettes, indie, depression, records, roses, matte, and suicide
These were all words I felt,
Words I thought of when I thought of and saw the color black
Though, comfort, depression, and suicide stood out the most;
The vibe, the emotions that came with those words, resounding strongly through my body

This all reminded me of how I don't want to get better,
How I've been so depressed for so long that I find comfort in knowing depression is always there with me
And that depression is my friend,
How I always have with me as if it was clinging onto my back or always residing in the corner of my mind

This reminded me of my second reason I stopped taking my pills,
Because I felt alone without it;
How I felt bare and naked without that weight on my shoulders and I couldn't take it;

So black is comforting,
And I find myself at home in the darkness

I want someone to cherish me
To be proud to call me theirs

I want someone to hug me tightly
To tell me I'm safe with them

I want someone to wipe away my tears
To help make all my problems fade away

I want someone to kiss me
To have their lips touch mine with such passion

I want someone to text and call me
To be excited when they hear from me or my voice

I want someone to find me
To be able to find the real me, see my true self and love me

No matter how happy I am
Or how great my day was,
I still find myself thinking about self harm and suicide

I can't help myself I put it down on paper
All the different stages, memories of us
That's the only way I know I can shake it
Writing all our pages, every single thought


Sorry for writing all the songs about you
I know that you hate that I got more to say
Sorry for writing all the songs about you
But I had to, oh, I had to

I can't wait for you to recognize the stories
Like when you said you loved me or that time on the rooftop
Will you act as if you haven't even heard it
Nothing of it matters

Finding refuge in my own lies
"How are you?"
"I'm alright."
Small talk is a great disguise
Just let me be just let me be
Empty thoughts start to crowd my mind
Am I only living, living to survive?

No one knows what goes on up inside my head
There's a new kind of poison and it's starting to spread
No one knows what goes on up inside my head
They don't think I need help
But I'm scaring myself

All the voices in my head are coming to life
They're getting louder and I'm, I'm terrified
How do you run from your own mind?
Is this what I've become?
Take it back what have I done

I often see a boy whom I pass in the halls
It seems that every time I notice him
He also notices me;
Our eyes always find each other
Until we realize how awkward it is
And then we change the direction of our sight
But we part ways content with the other's presence;
As if we both check off our little run in off our daily routine schedule;

And we've done this since day one of this school year,
So when I noticed him yesterday I thought about if I ended my life
I thought about how people say you'll impact people you don't even know;
Those who don't even speak to you,
Maybe just someone you pass every day or even a secret admirer
So I found myself asking myself,
'Would it affect him?'
I still sit here asking myself that over and over,
'Would he be affected?'

Because maybe just us acknowledging each other helps him get through the day
Or maybe just seeing me helps him feel calm knowing familiar surroundings
Now I pass him in the halls and as our eyes catch the other's gaze I mentally think,
'Would you care if I was gone?'
As if this shy freshman can hear me telepathically and respond back
I wish I knew the answer...

I catch your eyes
Always staring,
Watching me intently

I wonder what is your reason;
Is it just chance?
Or is it something more?

I want to be in your warm embrace,
Your loving arms;
I'd rather be listening to you sing to me,
Your soothing voice;
I want to be snuggled up with you,
Your calming heartbeat;
I'd rather be sleeping next to you,
Your peaceful soul;

I want to be with you,
Because I'd rather be with you than alone tonight

One night where you can be whoever and whatever you want to be
A superhero, an animal, a princess - a dream

But some can be nightmares,
Crazed clowns and ghostly ghouls running about the streets
The thrill of scaring others merely a game to them,
Bringing an uneasiness to those around them filling them with delight
But we don't care
For those who dress up get rewarded with treats and snacks for trying to be someone we're not
Ironic really,
Identity theft, lying, and deception are looked down upon
Taught to us as wrong
Yet,
On October 31st it is encouraged
It's played off as some meaningless little thing
And it is
But if you look into it more deeply,
View everything from the perspective of a poet or a writer
And you'll see the small things;
Hidden little treasures for us dreamers to find
And our reward is a magnificent piece of art
A piece of literature where our words and thoughts are spread among the world
Where our words are only truly appreciated and understandable by other like-minded folks
And I suppose this is something only those people of my kind actually get...

Currently,
I feel no emotions;

I'm not weighted down by sadness and heartbreak
Because you're not around
But I'm not filled excitement and happy
Just because you're not around

Yes, I've let go of some emotions
But I still want you as a friend
So I've put a leash on my heart now,
Can you come back now?

I can't seem to find someone who has an interest in me,
Someone who loves me for me;
And I guess that's okay
Because I've made it this far,
But it'd still be nice to finally not walk alone

They were good flowers,
So I hope you enjoyed them
And I know they weren't the best
But if they made you smile,
That's all that matters in the end

The fire alarm went off
The shrill screaming of the sirens sounding loudly in my ears
I oddly feel at peace among the chaos
The principal passed me
Giving me a wink and a smile when he saw me
'I'm a prized student to them. No one suspects a thing.'

I then walked past the office
And I passed my guidance counselor;
I passed the vice principal
And then the assistant principal
Along with everyone else that works in the office,
All of them clueless I was just sipping some margarita earlier

I love being daring

I find myself
Thinking about you more and more
Every day

And I want you back like something fierce
But you can't even stand talking to me
So how am I supposed to make you mine again?

Either way I'm stuck;
Because my head has already forgotten you,
Moved on
And left you for Autumn Girl

But my heart still holds onto you,
Cherishes what we were
And wants you to come back

So my mind is scattered,
Confused about what my heart wants
But my heart scarred,
Because you left too soon

So it seems weird that I'm writing love poems about two people
But I'm sorry I can't control my heart and my head
For they both abide by different rules
So I'll just remain stuck here