I've been a bad girl
And it's a sad world

I cry most nights
As everyone else carries on with dreams and days,
I ******* love you

My pink pen
That I use to write sweet heartfelt letters
Or to write poems about a certain some one
Is now shattered;
Guess I'll no longer be writing any more letters or poems with my special pen

You were supposed to love me
To support and care for me all the time and for when I needed it most
You were supposed to at like an adult and a parent
But you obviously can't even do that right in life

I don't even want to call you dad
But I have to when I'm verbally talking about you because it doesn't sound right if I were to say father
If I were to call you father instead of dad then I'd be yelled at by family
But you're not close enough for me to willingly call you dad

When I do I cringe;
My skin crawls and my bones creak and ache
My stomach does flips and my mind sounds sirens
Because it's not right for me to use that name
You're nothing but a sick ******* in my eyes now
God, how could you do what you have done?
Think the things you did and still be fine with who you are?

I found out today why you were thrown back in jail again;
Why child youth services have been stopping by and asking all of these questions again
It's because you were talking to your ******* friend;
How you apparently had *** with a minor
And were talking about me,
What you wanted and had done,
Showing photos to your friend,
And discussing how you two could share me
What kind of father does that ****?
Who thinks of doing that to their own child - their own blood?

Now I just sit,
Thinking of how sick you really are and how much you disgust me
While I patiently wait for you're trial next month
So I can sit in that courtroom with a bitter glare
Praying for you to be thrown into a state penitentiary and that you get a 15-year sentence
Because as much as everyone denies it,
We made it this far
And we're all better off without you...

She rises from her bitter bed,
With thoughts of sadness in her head,
She idolises being dead.
Facing the day with never ending dread.

Whose butterfly is that? I think I know.
Its owner is quite angry though.
She was cross like a dark potato.
I watch her pace. I cry hello.

She gives her butterfly a shake,
And screams I've made a bad mistake.
The only other sound's the break,
Of distant waves and birds awake.

The butterfly is bear, running and deep,
But she has promises to keep,
Tormented with nightmares she never sleeps.
Revenge is a promise a girl should keep.

She rises from her cursed bed,
With thoughts of violence in her head,
A flash of rage and she sees red.
Without a pause I turned and fled.

Running running everywhere,
Running running don't you stare
Don't you see?
I have no hair;
Running running Mr. Bear,
Running running in the air

Doing bad things -
Illegal things
Brings amusement to me;
It fills me with a sense of power,
Knowing my own secrets and that I'm doing bad things
So I smile,
Chuckling to myself
As I watch the people pass in the hall
Because people are stupid and oblivious

I show my little secret like it's not a big deal,
Letting it hide right under their noses
God if only they knew
That little miss good girl is a rebel,
A rulebreaker who smokes and drinks

I love having this little sense of my own power
While I think
'If only they knew.,..'

You don't hate this disobedient side of me
So to which I thank you
But on top of that,
You choose to walk along with me;
The two of us now bad rebels together

I like us and what we've become
What our friendship has blossomed into
We should act like this more often
Because I'm tired of being perfect and good
It's overrated and boring
So lets see what the other side has to offer...

Twitching fits,
A long-term effect that messes with my father's ex-girlfriend
One second she's fine,
The next, jittering around like crazy
All because of an anti-depressant she was once prescribed

Right after I met her
And found out this knowledge
I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital
And prescribed anti-depressants of my own
They only made things worse

I soon noticed little ticks
That at the time only happened in my arms;
But soon it plagued my hands,
Running through my fingertips
And before I knew it
I developed a small issue writing;
I often hesitate before I write a letter
Glitching for a solid 5 seconds
Only creating a small mark over and over

Now I sit here,
Plagued with little ticks in my arms,
Glitches in my hands and fingertips,
And sudden jumps and jolts in my legs

I was gathering my things as you were walking past
You stopped and stared at me
I stopped as well our eyes locking together
"What?"
I asked wanting to know your thoughts and reason for being in front of me
"You look tired. Are you okay?"
You told and asked me
"Yeah, I am."
Was all I said
You walked away afterwards content with my answer
And I'm sorry Mr. Modrak,
But I lied

I'm currently in the library;
Earbuds in,
Drowning out all else that doesn't matter

Thoughts swarm like wasps
Going from my brain,
Through my blood,
And attacking my heart

I sob from the pain
And the memory of you
So I avert my gaze,
And keep my head low
Because I mustn't show weakness here
For this school and society is survival of the fittest
And every individual's soul is an animal

I walk among bears and jaguars that'll tear me apart
Killing me slowly with words and jokes
For that I must remain unnoticed

So I wipe away the tears
And stifle my sobs,
Put on my disguise, casting shadows on my emotions
While I stand back,
Letting my wasp-like thoughts rot my heart

I live with poetic eyes
And an imaginative mindset;
Eyes and a mind where I find that
Raindrops are just the sky's kisses...

I paint flowers instead so they don't die...

My parents warned me
About drugs on the streets,
But never about the ones with
Big brown eyes
And a heartbeat

You make it kinda hard not to stare...

I want to do things
Bad things;
Incredibly illegal things
That many look down upon
And reasons why friends leave you

I want to do things that'll label me,
Things that'll **** me quicker than I'm already dying
And things that could get me in trouble if I'm caught

I want to do unspeakable things
I want to sneak out,
Running around with random strangers in the night
Shaking from the thrill and fear

Sipping Angry Orchard and smoking blunts
My lips dance in sync with others
While hands roam;
I want to be daring,
I want to act dangerous,
I want to feel alive...

Smoking kills,
I get it
But I still want it

I want to light those paper death sticks -
I want the tar in my lungs -
I want to feel like I'm drowning...

I was rushing up the stairs from the basement to get to class
When a blur of orange came down the stairs from the upper floor
And fell into line next to me

I looked over doing a doubletake at the wavy colored hair next to me
'It's not her,'
I mentally told myself
'For her hair is too light.'
So I now apologize to whoever you are for staring,
I just needed to know if you were my Autumn Girl
But I was so caught up in seeing who you were and your hair
That I ended up running into the real Autumn Girl;
Literally

I faced forward again only to run into something
And to cause things to scatter about falling to the ground;
My anxiety spiked and only got worse once I saw who you were
It was my Autumn Girl

We both bent down, collecting the mess I caused
"I'm so sorry, I apologize, I didn't mean -"
I was stuttering out words when you cut me off,
"Oh no don't worry about it. It's alright."
God darling,
Your voice is so calming,
Silvery and smokey -
It was as if you spoke words of honey;
Dripping from your lips
Thick and sweet
I just want to drown in it

But as I was memorized by your voice,
We touched;
I handed you one of your books as your hand brushed mine
Your skin so silky,
I hope you know you're a **** angel love

You smiled as we stood back up,
Nodding your head with a small
"Thank you."
Gracefully walking off

I hurried over, resting my hand upon the wall
Watching you walk off in beauty -
Careless of the people who could be staring

And in that moment I decided I'm going to attempt to write a letter
In hopes we actually get to talk more
God please don't let this end in ruin too...

I shouldn't still love you,
For that annoys you greatly,
But I do
And no matter how many apps you block and unfollow me on
I still check in to see how you are

I read your posts hoping you mention you miss me
And I ask the friends we share to unlock your thoughts on me
As I lay in bed on these cold lonely nights
Reading our old messages,
Looking at the photos I still have of you saved in my phone,
And finding nostalgia in screenshots of all of my favorite things you've said

Now you didn't know but I had an idea I wanted to do for you,
Something I'd give you when we met which was supposed to be over the summer;
I wanted to make a personalized notebook,
Fill it with my favorite quotes from you,
Poems I write about you,
And even the reasons why I love you so you'd never forget;
And everyone said that was a really sweet idea
So I'd daydream of you keeping that forever

That one day we'd be married and look back at it as we cuddled, smiling back at the memories
That we'd share it with our child{ren} and show them how to enjoy the simple things
Oh honey, whatever happened to that?
Our shared dream of us singing to our child{ren} every night as you strummed away on your guitar?
I guess I'll just sit here and hope you'll maybe one day come back,
Realize what you've left behind and what an amazing girl I really am

But that's just me hoping
Ignoring the fact that you've left me,
Ran for the hills and ditched town,
And that you're already far gone...

Bright neon dollar store sparklers,
Who knew they could be so fun

Red, orange, yellow, and more
I kept on lighting them one by one

I hoped that these bright colors would somehow make me happy forever,
That they could cure my head
But I got burnt and almost set my neighbor's house on fire instead;

I remembered your birthday and gathered all the yellow,
I set them off and pointed them towards your house
Hoping that instead they'd bring you happiness
And give you a special birthday

I hope it works
Happy early birthday Jen

There's a girl
Who I've never seen before until last week,
She passed me as I was working the cafe -
The perfect natural shade of red-orange hair;
****,
Her hair was enough to make me fall in love and go crazy over her
Her messenger sling bag over her left shoulder
Thick homemade cloth headband keeping her hair pushed back
I wondered if her name was Autumn
It should be,
Her ravishing hair would make it all fall together perfectly
And I never thought I'd see her again,
But I did

After I closed up she was waiting outside of her next classroom
I told myself it was just pure coincidence,
But I saw you yet again Miss

Friday I was working the coffee cart making deliveries
And I stopped
Only to see you come down the stairs,
A few seconds of uncertainty rang through me
I could only tell by your hair
But at that moment,
You wore a long cardigan sweater with a hood over your head
And as I started to look away slightly disappointed it was as if you heard my mind;
Your hands came up grasping the edge of the cloth
As you swiftly flipped it down;
I never knew
Such a simple action could be so magical and graceful until then
I saw you in all your elegance
And my heart raced;
Such a prepossessing creature

Love tell me,
Why are you so **** gorgeous?

I remained staring at you,
Smiling like a ***** as other people saw me and passed,
But you kept walking away
Your back to me and knee-high boots clicking away
Madam,
Is this still just a coincidence?
Or is this now destiny for us to meet?

I just want someone to just be truly happy over me.
Happy to see me,
Happy to hear from me,
And happy to know me.

Please come back,
You're dearly missed

I no longer love you
My heart has finally let go
I no longer love you
And I'm okay with that now

I find myself so paranoid,
Looking behind me
And searching all around
My head on a swivel,
All because of some stupid words

Stupid words that make me so anxious
That I skip school
Because I fear running into someone else who read my words
Words that formed a letter that were meant for your eyes only
But now most of all,
I fear you

I should've known how things would turn out
I wouldn't have made a fool of myself
I should've known to not make new friends
I wouldn't have caused more issues for myself

Now I sit here paranoid as all hell
All because of you
And what you did in a few minutes...

I am now a joke,
A weird freak among a 3rd period senior math class
All because I tried to make a new friend,
And all because I gave a compliment

So I did a lot of thinking over the weekend,
I made some decisions,
I have realized now that I no longer love you
And I no longer want to try and make new friends,
Because you're the most fantastic friend I've ever had
And that is something I don't want to lose

I know I was selfish,
I was hurting so I did some stupid things
But I had realizations,
I made some changes

I ask now if you'll accept my apology,
Let me back into your life
Hear me out please and talk to me,
Because this silence is hell
And I'm constantly reminded of the memories we share
I want my friend back;

I miss our jokes
And weird things we do,
But most of all I miss you
And all the magnificent wonders that you hold...

Maybe
After I move
And I'm in a completely new place,
Accompanied by strangers and unknown faces
That live on unfamiliar streets among unusual buildings,
I can find some sort of new way to be happy,
Whether that just means being completely alone for many years to come
Or to find some new people to roll with,
Maybe being the new girl and the new neighbor
Will help me move on
Because seeing you every day reopens the wounds
And brings tears to my eyes
Knowing I messed up and ruined everything...

I was always against my mother when she talked about moving
But today I told her she can do whatever she wanted
Because I don't think I have anything here anymore
Nobody likes me anymore
And I'm just a joke to some people around the school now
I just wish I could rewind everything
If only I just showed more support
When you told me you two are a thing again
I wouldn't be heartbroken and have you hating me right now
Nor would I be downsizing,
Preparing myself to move here in the near future...

I've always had those thoughts in the back of my mind
I'm not intelligent, I'm not pretty, I'm not funny, I'm not talented and so much more
I'd compare myself to everyone
Especially you
I've always had those thoughts
But over the summer they actually started to become less
I was actually starting to overcome them
Slowly but surely
And it may not have seemed like that but it was a secret
"Look at me, I'm so adorable."
I'd sometimes say in the mirror acting like a ******
I was finally finding some sort of self-love
I admit it wasn't all fine and dandy yet but I was getting somewhere
Sorry I wasn't magically fixed overnight
But today all progress was ruined
I don't know what I did to deserve it
I was trying so hard...

Why must everyone turn on me at the same time on the same day
And kick me when I'm already down?

Scribbled words to form a letter
A letter I gave to you in the hall when the bell rang at 9:28
I feared I was too late
That I missed you
Only to find you following right behind my friend and I
I turned behind my friend
"This is for you."
I awkwardly said
You smiled softly, and gently accepted it with a whispered
"Thank you."
I turned back now anxious
I pulled my padfolio up to cover my mouth shyly
I glanced back to see you intently reading
I feared your reaction
After all,
I'm just some random chick with purple hair who thinks your pretty and cute,
Who wants to get to know you more and be your friend
As we parted ways and I went downstairs I looked back one last time
I saw you smiling
I exploded with happiness and literally danced down the stairs
"I think I scored myself a new friend."
I told my friend who walked next to me still
After that I smiled like a weird fool in the library
A few seconds after sitting down I saw you add me on Snapchat
I thought things were okay and things were going well
Then I knew you felt I was weird
Nothing I did seemed to work it out or turn the conversation normal
Then my friend at lunch took my phone
She asked you to formal
Sent weird photos of me
Accidentally video called you
Sent some love stuff
And just completely humiliated me and crushed the tiny chance of being friends
I jinxed myself saying I might see you later
Because as soon as those words left my mouth
You rounded the corner
Our eyes locked and all I got was a small, uncomfortable, weirded out smile
I hit and pushed my friend who took my phone and did that
I screamed at her embarrassed and knowing that now everything was ruined
She laughed
She doesn't care and it's a joke now
I walked to class and sat here on the verge of tears
Everyone hates me
I'm meant to be alone and hated...

She needed a hero,
So that's what she became...

I keep contemplating suicide
And struggling to resist the urge my tempting blades give me;
But as I stare at the ceiling,
Thinking about how if I don't do anything stupid that tomorrow my perfect fake smile will fool everyone
I find myself thinking of random small things to do to make others happy
As if they'll know something is wrong, stop, get to know me, and help me feel better
Like these strangers will kiss and heal the broken parts of myself
Stupid silly girl, no one cares...

I've never been to a school dance or afterschool event,
I've never been asked to one or invited by friends.
I'm always left out and excluded,
I guess I'd be too awkward and anxious anyway.
So is it silly I sit here sad that nobody has asked me to anything before?
That I sit here wishing I'd be asked to this stupid Formal?
And that I organize my makeup box I never use looking at all the brand new lipstick colors I have saved up imagining myself dressed up and pretty?
I think it is.
I think it's pathetic -
Because in reality, nobody will ask me.
And I'm just daydreaming in my head like something fierce,
Creating fantasies and false dreams that only break my heart more so tears run down my cheeks.
I'm sorry I'm not worthy of some stupid silly dance...

I can be happy,
I can smile and laugh,
I can make jokes.

I can be depressed,
I can frown and cry,
I can make scars.

But most importantly, I can have depression and still be happy - and it can even sometimes fluctuate between the two having no medium making me seem bipolar at times. So, don't sit there and claim I'm not depressed or don't have depression to the person I love the most who left for that reason.

I always daydream about dying,
That one day I'll die in some bad way.
I yearn for death,
All because I'm tired of living.

Part of me thinking it'd be some heartbreaking movie
Or a depressing book that messes with your mind
Where nobody cares,
Nobody comes to see me in the hospital,
And nobody tries to save me;

Part of me thinking it'd be some heartbreaking movie
Or a depressing book that messes with your mind
Where people care,
People do come to see me in the hospital,
And people do try to save me...

I daydream I'll die from cancer,
That one day I'll be told I have stage 3 or 4 something.
Cancer runs in my family.
So, it's messed up but I often find myself pleading that I'll finally be diagnosed with it.
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a school shooter,
That one day someone walks in with a gun and I'm the only one or one of the kids that dies.
We've had threats at our school a few years ago.
I wanted to go to school for that fairly good chance that something happened.
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a tragic car accident,
That one day the car crashes and I'm the only one who dies or is seriously injured.
I was in a car accident about 3 months ago.
If that man hit us 2 seconds later then he would've flipped the car,
And I didn't have my seatbelt on.
I would've been dead or in critical condition as my mother told me along with the officer who thought I had it on.
I never wear my seatbelt for that reason,
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a murderer or robber,
That one day I'll come home and be the first one to arrive just like usual and someone else whose identity is unknown.
Our trailer was broken into a few years ago.
Oh, how I wished whoever was there was still hiding somewhere,
I searched in my closet and under my bed hopeful I'd find someone and when I did they'd **** me.
All because I want everything to end...

I always daydream about dying,
That one day I'll die in some bad way.
I yearn for death,
All because I'm tired of living...

I wish I could write poems about myself
Saying how I'm a "pretty girl with a broken heart"
But I'm not.
I'm not a pretty girl,
And never will be
So
I just think about lines similar to that,
What I wish I was and could be
And then,
Find somebody else to make it about.

Just remember, I was there when no one else was...

I acted like it wasn't a big deal when really, it was breaking my heart.

You're
Pretty
Much
My
Most
Favorite
Of
All
Time
In
The
History
Of­
Ever.

If I can't be the pretty one,
I want to be the skinny one...

Every time I purge, I'm trying to rid myself of you...

My breathing is shallow,
The air is too thin,
The demons are screaming,
I think they might win.

My vision is blurry,
My heart rate is slow,
No therapy can save me,
I think I'm letting go...