Adore.
Thats the only word I can think of.
It's so funny how she helps me breathe,
Yet she is the reason my chest hurts.

So tell me, how does it feel to be
Adored by her? Do you smile when you
Wake up? You should, I would.

Does it feel like your blood is air,
And you could just float away
If someone blew?

I'll tell you how it feels to watch
Her adore you...it feels like my blood
Is empty. But not like air.

Just hollow, so hollow I could sink
Into the earth and never be seen again.
It hurts to breathe.

I want to say its not fair, but she is so
Happy. So who am I to object?
I guess I'll never know how it feels
To be adored by her.

Don't you ever eat?

Of course I do!*

Lies.
The hunger swirls in my stomach like pride.
I am strong. I am in control. I will be skinny.

But this isn't any ordinary wish,
A little voice in my head is telling me that
My bones should be my entirety.

Thinner thighs, arms, stomach. I will fade
Away till I am made of air; even then
It won't be satisfied.

But now I'm in too deep. I think I'm in
Control but I've lost it, and now I fear my mind
Is fading too.

Don't help me. Please.
Some people where born to disappear.

There are monsters in my head,
I'm afraid they want me dead.
They scream and whisper in my ears,
filling my mind with unusual fears.

I feel everyone's eyes in my back,
I am no longer safe, I fear an attack.
They're poisoning you with their food.
Can't you see you're being used

Stop it! Leave me! I thrash about,
I would give my life just to have them out.
Just give in to us, then you'll see
No, you'll never get the best of me.

Quiet, quiet.
Its following me around
Quiet, quiet.
Please god don’t make a sound.
Hush, hush.
Soon it will be here.
Shh,shh.
Now its getting near.

It lurks on every corner,
in every nook and crack.
In everything dingy,dark and dreary,
right behind my back.

It sits upon my shoulder
and whispers in my ear
then I finally realize,
it’s a figment of my fear.

But still I see it in the alleyways,
the darkened, lamp-less street,
in my bed at night time,
hidden beneath the sheets.

I feel it in the back of my mind
the place where no one goes.
I pray that it doesn’t find you too
or it will take control.

Lets play pretend
for one more night.
Lets not say goodbye
till it gets light.
Lets repeat all
our past mistakes.
Lets wait for
our hearts to break.

I do not love you
but it doesn't really matter.
I do not care so
both our hearts could shatter.
You perform your role
living our disgrace.
You fulfil your part
in your empty embrace.

Lets play pretend
for one last time.
Without reason
our lies are sublime.
Lets stay together
till darkness will rise
Lets be murderers
and become what we despise.

There are few people I care about
more than I do myself
and your on your way to becoming one
so you better cry for help

They can't tell what's wrong with you from the outside. They can't tell what's wrong with you from the outside. They can't tell what's wrong with you.*

Is my illness truly  invisible?
Or am I just deluding myself again?
My thoughts are racing, falling, tumbling,
maybe their right to call me insane.

Don't ask me to speak because I don't want to;
words don't mean a thing any more
Instead I write and write onto sheets of white
into the abyss my heart is poured.

I hear their screams in my head all the time
a pleading in my ear,
I'm the one who's living this hell
so why is it me you fear?

I carry on breathing everyday
despite the creatures living inside
and I will keep living in every way
until one day I don't even cry.

I miss the snow when the sun is out
I miss your touch when your not about

I miss the stars when city lights are too bright
I miss the city when the country is at night

I miss the leaves when they fall to the ground
I miss the silence when there's to much sound

Its hard to live life and be happy
when your never satisfied

Your worn out t shirt lies on my floor
It has that smell that I adore
My lipstick stains around its neck
Remind me of my worst regrets
Like how I let you walk out my life
Without putting up a decent fight
Watched you leave, closed my eyes and wept
Now I've just a shirt that I've kept
There's a traffic jam inside my head
Thinking of words I should have said
Now I cant forgive and I can't forget
And I'm living my life in deep, deep debt

A laptop light, a half eaten cereal bar, and a major suicidal tendency.

I haven’t left my room in three days.

The demons in my mind have escaped my body
and barricaded shut my doors and my heart.
I sit here staring at creatures that do not exist
crawling up my walls and laughing in the shadows.
The only sound is of sombre songs playing on
repeat, attempting to **** my sadness with tears,
and the scribbling and tearing and screaming of
pages as I scratch my soul onto them
covering my arms in blood and ink and tears
praying that eventually I will succeed,
and my pain will finally assent from my body
onto paper, and lay there eternally in long thin letters
that I can ****** into the void for all the other souls
begging for help at 3 in the morning to hear, and I will
finally be free, to sleep.

Up? Or down?

My body levitates between two worlds
As I stare at the blank blue that throws me
Off this earth.

In that moment I am nothing, and everything,
And as I am suspended in time my
Mind is suddenly aware.

Aware of the rustling white noise that
Lies within silence, which hides the many
Voices of the beyond.

I can hear them now, they’re getting louder
But I know you can’t, so you ask me if
I'm ok; of course I am.

I am aware of their unreality  but
Still, I am wary not to let them know
That *I know they are there.

So I return to the floating ocean
Above, or was it below, me and am
Once again, drifting.

I, am weightless
without body or mind,
free from the form
to which my soul binds.

Released from all worries
I am free to fly,
as I am pulled upwards
by a force in the sky.

So let me soar
let me be free,
and leave this earth
in one final leap.

I am everything, I am nothing
I am all in between,
an intangible believer
never to be seen.

Blink once, blink twice*
The grey it stirs,
as my vision, my mind
my memories blur.

Is it possible for emptiness to move?
Because I can feel it spreading
turning everything blue.

Crawling from my stomach, to my fingertips,
but those honest words
will never grace my lips.

I try to listen, that I'm still alive,
but it feels as though
all of me has died.

Now it seems hard, but maybe in time
I will finally get a grasp
on my wandering mind.

I am trying, dying, everyday
but if I stick around
I might just find my way.

April shower bring
May flowers, that's what
my mother used to say.

And that if lightening strikes,
please do not freight, for
the angles they do
rearrange.

But do not fall asleep ,
near where earwigs creep,
or they'll crawl right into you're
brain.

And don't be pushed around,
or sink to the ground,
when others speak of
cruel things.

Stand up and shout,
were others do doubt,
fight for what you
believe.

Be kind to yourself,
above anyone else,
for that is how you
succeed.

I'm reaching out with open
sweaty palms stretching
towards a place in
which the world is not
imploding so I don't want
to dream forever
and happiness does not
seem such an odd thing.
And someday that place feels
to far to fathom
but someday it is just
an arms breath away,
Attainable if I just reach a little
further.

Now that you've left me
where am I supposed
to go.
The less of me there is
the more I feel at home.

So I build my house
on emptiness, the nothing
in my soul.
Chipping away the
pieces, and digging
my own hole.

There is a flight from deep
within, a rushing urge
to leave.
So I leave behind my
nothingness and rip my heart
from it's sleeve.

Last night, whilst I was sleeping,
my dreams were turned into
bubble gum rivers
cascading from my mind in
fruit winder waves, infecting
my body with
artificial fructose and
awakening my reverie
with a sweet
burning desire to
Go!
Do!
Live!
So I follow my instructions
and hop on this candy-covered
illusion and travel,
to a place where sugar can
sprout from my fingers and a
thick toffee sauce
can cloud my brain so I can't
hear the screams of paranoia
that come with
all beauty, and I delude
myself into thinking that
this is life.

The sounds that I hear
paint tapestry in my mind
My eyes, though they are closed
see everything,
Every motion, sings out
shouts to be heard
Nothing is missed
though to some
All sound seems din
and all noise simply
collides
to me
Each word
Each sound
is different
I follow
the conversations
Eavesdropping
in plain sight
once again
I go unnoticed
as I paint
this tapestry

Stop.
I can feel it.
It's coming back again.

The rolling wave of
self destruction
returns to shore
and I am once more
left with my own
dangerous mind, so
I scribble at paper
until it rips, ink
Staining my arms as I attempt to release
the wave back to sea
but the screams are too
loud and the urges
too strong to ignore
so i tear the paper
then silence.
I am ok for
now and my breath does
not reject my body,
and finally I can
tiptoe along the
calm shore but then
wait.

Stop.
I can feel it.
It's coming back again.

I can't tell the difference between
my life spiralling out of control and
falling into place.
So I spend my days making up
for the past one,
Trying to hold onto myself whilst
having no idea who I am
and reading poetry at 4am
trying to imitate it's words and
calling it art.

But I am hungry, thirsting
for more,
mediocracy does not
satisfy me yet
I was not made for great things.
So I fade away, run, become
intangible
so you cannot reach me because
I was not meant
for your world.

We sit in dark rooms
staring at blank walls
with a soft but empty
embrace encasing
our frames, sifting through
the open window
that our legs had
dangled from just
minutes before, like
they do every night
because we’re four floors
up and just want to
sleep.