Dear sharp mind of mine
you've returned for revenge
cause ive poisioned you
with every drag of pride ive ever shown.

do not run from me,
im faster than you think.
i wont spare you none,
you wont have time for the rehab you seek.

they say you don't get time
to make yourself better,
they say youll be this way forever
but youll never know until you try.
whether your soul remains ashed
or if you can redeem yourself one last time,
youre still the same.

ive rung myself dry
ive ****** the life out of every
good thing ive ever known,
how pleasant.

and when he told you he loved you did it give you hope?
did it make it possible for you to live with regret?
well what a shame, cause now he's dead.
he's hung himself to die.

dear baby,
i never meant for it to be this cruel,
im sorry i gave you my shoulder,
im sorry i saved you.
i guess it was all for the best,
maybe not, look at you now.
my intentions were good, i promise.

its almost impossible to make conversation
with the voices in my head,
they seem so sweet, so complacent
but who am i to judge a person's sanity?
im the last one who deserves that right.

oh, darling, you're such a lovely addition
to these hearts ive hung up around town.
you'll be so admired by the dead.

say goodnight to what youve always known.
its all changed now.
you'll never know.
you'll never know.

we've all been given a million chances before, and we've all experimented with our own powers. not once will we be asked to abuse our abilities and not once will we be prompted to bite off more than we can chew.
     everything that we do and everything we pursue is by our own will. we will never be told to hurt one another and do it because we are robots, or because it is our job. we do it because we can.
     when given an opportunity, we can either accept or reject. whether it be to hurt, or to hold. to love or to perish one another. it is up to our hearts, our minds; will we carry out this job, or will we cease the opportunity at hand?
     we are not programmed. we are real people. we have our own mindsets and can choose our own fates. we know what we're doing, whether we say we do or not. our minds are aware.
     we are alive.

her entirety rests in his eyes.
she is enamoured with the way he speaks.
his smile.
his skin.
how scary it is to look in his eyes.
she thought,
"beautiful flames, aspirations, love."
he saw broken.
enticed by a noncommittal love,
their souls often attack one another.
reminders of a distance.
arms length in physicality,
thousands of miles separate their minds.
so many intricate thoughts,
what they speak is merely simplistic.
apart from drowning in eachother's darkness, they remain whole.
They are celestial, and far too eclipsed from reality.
Because eternity rests where their most dangerous actions prosper.
Eachother.
Something that will make them feel alive,
but ****** everything they felt was love.

i am angry
they told me who i'm supposed to be
i am not who they wanted in their world.
i am anything but pure
i am anything but sweet.
i am your worst nightmare.

my hands numb,
my legs shaking, toes tapping,
you asked me what i wanted to be.
well what the hell, i haven't the slightest,
i've never really thought about
the person i wanted to become.
"someone everyone loves"
but what does that ever accomplish?
what if no one ever learns to love me the
way that they're supposed to?
but how is anyone supposed to love me anyway.
what if i'm already doomed?
I'm already in the mix, i'm already set up to fail.
so then, you ask me; "who are you?"
silence.

in the spur of the moment,
my eyes widened.
i reminisce of every time i thought
i was doing something because it was me.
i think of every single time you lectured me,
asking what i was doing with myself.
i think of the times my parents were disappointed,
and all of the people I've let down.
I thought they'd hate me, but they didn't even care.
no one ever really gave a crap what i did,
but I, all too much of their actions.
and for what? look where it landed me.

I'm so upset with myself.
I'm supposed to know these things.
I'm supposed to know who i am.
I'm supposed to know what this body contains,
I'm supposed to know what my heart can give,
and what my mind believes in.
but i just don't.
at least not now.


who was i when i popped those pills,
willingly broke through my skin to feel the pain.
who was i on New Years 13 shots in,
kissing that cute boy who's name escapes me.
who was i when my parents divorced,
who was i when i no longer had a family.
when i got my license, or graduated high school.
who was i when you looked me in the eyes and told
me you loved the girl i used to be.
who is the girl i used to be?

if this is the coming of the storm, then someone tell me,
because here i am, 19 years into my life
not knowing one single thing about myself.
not knowing what to feel,
only because at this very moment, i have to think.
i have to give definition to myself
when before, it all rolled off my tongue,
like i read my fate on a gum wrapper.

you never did notice my shaking legs, or my pale face.
you never did see right through me. oh this is easy to fake.
i put my hands together and said "i am myself"

although i had no idea who that is.

but i know i am angry,
i am not pure,
i am not sweet.
i sure as hell am not "myself",
whoever that may be.

Where are you
And why haven’t I seen you in weeks?
Where are you
And your toxic nature?
I miss you sinking into my skin.
Its a seemingly impossible proportion
I’ve taken upon myself
And the stars aren’t aligned for me
So tell me why I do the things I do
When you’re around.
This is what happens
When I think about you
This is what happens
When the waves are at high tide
And full force
Ready to submerge anything in their path.
Because all I do is crumble
Because the thoughts of you are so
Intrusive.
You’ve nestled between my skin
You’ve dug yourself a path
In what I thought
Was the utmost private of
All the passageways of my being.
I’ve never told you that I was scared.
I’ve never told you how I’m wrecked.
I’ve never told you I’m in shambles
Over someone who isn’t broken over me
I’m terrified of what ill do
Once you’re gone.
But maybe I’ll be free
Maybe I’ll thrive.
I was young
But this love has made me age
Beyond my years.
And I don’t know
If I’ll ever get back to a place
Where I learn to love myself.
Everything you’ve said
Will stay with me forever.
Never forget what you’ve done
And how conflicted you’ve left me
With myself.
My heart was never meant for this. 
I don’t like this.
But this is all I’ve ever known
And I can’t make new memories
With a life I don’t know how to live.
So, tell me.
Where are you?
Where am I?
When I’m lost inside my own mind.

what have you done to me.
i let you undress me with your eyes,
slowly and reassuringly.
and then aggressively with your hands,
undoing the buttons on my shirt
and unzipping my jeans
nearly ripping the fabric right from under me.

pulling me across the bed
breathing heavily into my ear,
i'm remembering why
i ever called you mine in the first place.
we decorated these walls with our fingerprints
and they remain as memories of every time we've touched.

now why you?
is it your scent, is it your skin?
the way the marks you leave on my stomach
feel like you every time i touch them?
its you that i want, its you that keeps me here
when i should be with whom i claim to love.

when you were mine,
it was a perfect dream,
we ran through the war with not a scratch
not a dent in our skin.
we got out of the mess,
accompanying each other through the storm.

I should have let you sit in the driveway,
I should have never let you walk through the front door.
Why couldn't you have left me alone in this room
without your taunting glares
begging for the affection i crave so much.

I swore i wouldn't do this.
I swore i wouldn't kiss your neck again,
i swore i wouldn't make you want me.

but I gave in.
so here you are
once again.
you're lying on my bed,
and i'm on top of you.

In a world where you’re just trying to survive.
In a world where your voice has no meaning.
In a world where each being you pursue is a placeholder for every dream you’ve ever imagined of living.
The easiest part is hurting and walking away from every voice in my head like nothing I want means anything.
If I give myself no chances of survival where will I be when i’m elbow deep in the trenches of a mans soul?
Where will I be when i’m sulking and buried in regret from doing everything I ever said I wouldn’t?
It means nothing when the relapses come more often and the promises start breaking and my focus shifts to all the dangerous things I long for so desperately.
My biggest fear isn’t dying my biggest fear is exiting this life knowing i’ve let myself down, and i’m sure i’ll do just that.
I’m sure everything i’ve ever told you will become a memory of the times you thought I was crazy, the times you’d wish you’d never met me.
A memory of the times we sat face to face and spit nothing but hate in each other’s faces.
A memory of when you thought you made me happy.
And that’s just it.
You thought you made me happy and I thought you gave me the world.
I thought I was good to you, and to myself.
I was loyal to nothing but the drugs and it became impossible to form any sort of connection with someone so pure.
But I beg to differ.
You’re hard to love, and I’m hard to handle.
But what does it mean when the holes in your chest become craters and the lost feeling you carry with you turns into hatred towards your own self regret?
When nothing is easy, when nothing is beautiful, run.
Run fast and run hard.
Strip yourself of the pain, and watch yourself sink slowly.
This fixation on love fuels the fire and the need to be wanted gives false hope.
But will I ever stop doing this to myself?
The answer is no. Because I thrive off of being upset and making a home in hell. And that’s just something i choose to live with.

if there's one thing In this world I want it would to be gone. just away from everything that I've ever felt and dreamt. everything that I once loved I no longer love it and never will. everything that I have brought into my life walked out the second it saw unstable and withered souls that posses my body. insanity and destruction captivate me and **** everything I am. nothing will change. nothing will be construed as happiness and we will never feel to be loved again. simply because our anger is our whole being and nothing else can love us enough to know what we need. we don't even know what we need. completely immune to life and it's subtleties. nothing phases us. we are invincible because we are hurt. we are anything but living and we no longer can fathom a true routine of living. we are breathing but we are dead. and that's the worst thing to be.

How crazy is it that we’re thought to be under one life under one mind form, mindset, thought the same thoughts have the same feelings. We don’t ever comprehend each other unless we’re under the thoughts of basic and common beliefs. If we aren’t, it becomes so hard, nearly impossible to intertwine feelings and be understood. No matter how much explaining need be done, no matter how much time and thought we put into explaining our feelings to others, your mind can think one thing and explain it so as another person can know, but not understand how you feel whatsoever. Its so hard to fathom what goes on day to day and that's what's making it so much harder to live.