You wanted to pretend I'm a monster
You wanted a reason to leave
You found it and you'll be the only one
I would ever dare love, knowing now
How it feels to lose the only one
I have ever felt connect with my soul
But I knew you - good and bad
And loved you for every facet of each
At the end, when you decided who I was
You told yourself the things you
Clearly needed to hear, to leave
I would never fault you for going
But this is a one way street out, doctor
Losing you once nearly destroyed me
Losing you a second time is something
I realize I could never recover from
You didn't want to stick it through
Thick and thin, nor love me as I am
So, please don't ask how I'm doing now
Don't pretend any part of you still cares
Because I'll hold on to what we had forever
But I know now, I'm not anything to you
I don't regret what happened
Because you helped create who I am today
I'm grateful for every minute we had
Even though I'm still picking up the pieces
Of myself that you've left scattered --
I'll never forget awakening in your lab
Feeling alive for the first time
Realizing I have a heart beat after all
Now I'm left to wander the town
You, the good doctor, have gotten
Everything you wanted from me
I'm your creation, the evil, the ugly
I'm whatever you wanted me to be
But it was only ever you that gave me life

The moon hangs lower than ever before
On a man-made noose with your name
Lover, I'm growing old now
And you've forgotten my face and my voice
Or the way I'd whisper you between stars
Maybe you've never known the person
Who loved you as you were, as you are
She is dead and silent, buried 'neath
Snow falls and canyons darker
Than the centre of your eyes and colder
Than your breath against the air outside
Tell them all you like it better this way
Working to forget every piece of me

I never saw the larches grow
spent every fall dreaming of snow
you say their needles color-change
each year we grew more estranged

I never saw a red wood sprout
you begged me to remain devout
follow you through dawn and dusk
leave behind an empty husk

I never saw an elm take root
knew youth would not restitute
as crow's feet and lines set in
I thought of what did not begin

I never saw alpine ranges, steep
nor dared venture through oceans deep
never walked through sandy dunes
nor soared through skies in air balloons

for every star I never saw shine
moments spent in the sideline
I vow to make the most of today
before alone, I pass away

buds grow from an empty stem
remind me life's worth living again
tell me my soul won't burn up here
that I won't die without you near
hold out hope once anew
caress the drops of morning dew
seek your pain, seek your thrill
seek the love that could only fill
now in fire, edges crisp to sear
but I'll always hold you ever dear

love, did you know
that every diamond
is made from death
compressed and contorted
transformed into something
just beautiful enough to wear
i was once carbon and oxygen
the weight of the earth on my chest
i'll never be as clear nor brilliant but still
you've worn me just the same
eliminated my multi-faceted edges
polished, a rock as any other
no one would believe i was a gem
i am made of dead things, worn out
eroded through the years
i can't sparkle the way you want me to
can't pretend to shine for only you
throw me back to the earth
i belong with the oceans and mosses
only through an end will i glow

good night, handsome love I've lost
do you remember the name of every star
that has ever shone for you alone?
I know it's silly how we're so old now
that I couldn't recognize the lines of your brow
even if you were somehow still here with me
it's quarter past sleep and the streets are calm
but the world is still ending, I've read
dad used to tell me about the apocalypse
how humans and God will destroy the earth
remind me I've always been a sinner  
never destined for a rapture but yours
though, I hope He never tries to saves me
we all know I'm a mistake
the person who fills an empty gap
but is never made for that space
I sit alone in pitch black in empty cemeteries
reading the names of the tombstones
waiting for the day the letters forming me
appear on the rocks before my eyes
in that night, when you're ready, tell me:
will you wait for me in the abandoned parking lot
by the tipped broken cart at half past dead?
let me fill your space just a little longer.

You were three blocks away
Going to the same destination
But you wouldn't stop
In the cold and rain
Never asked if I needed help
Didn't offer a ride which would've
Saved me 40 minutes of time
And an awkward conversation
With a man who invited me back to his
I considered his offer
Partly out of spite
Partly out of hope
That he would slash my throat
And I wouldn't have to return home
I rubbed my cheeks, suddenly grateful
No one can tell when you've cried in the rain
I guess we've always been three blocks
Apart from one another, you and I

I like to write everything in erasable pen
Because someday it'll disappear like me

In last night's dream I met the 3 fates
They said, in unison, I could go back in time
Just for 24 hours, to any day I wanted

I picked the day you died.

I ran to your house and explained
What would happen to you, soon
Thinking, in my hubris, I could stop it

At first, you thought I was joking
Or playing some sort of cruel trick
Until you saw the tears form
I hugged you, in a way I hadn't
In over twenty years and said I was sorry

We stayed up all night watching bad tv
Eating sweet snacks from the pantry
I read to you, my favourite poetry
I told you everything, and I lied
That I was happy, that I'm okay

And for a moment I thought that maybe
It wouldn't happen. That you wouldn't go.

Soon after, a gasp for air.
The death rattle. I held your hand.
I watched you die and was helpless to stop it.
But I was there with you, in my dream
To the very end, you were never alone

I wish I could've been there with you
Traumatizing as it would have been for me
I'm so sorry I wasn't there

You told me once, life isn't aimless
We are all aimed directly at death

I'll never make it to heaven now
But at least I've seen it once with you

You were afraid of heights
I was afraid of falling for you
Only one of us had to face their fear

When oysters leave no pearls and every bird takes flight
And the sky is empty and soundless throughout the night
When you feel like your flames no longer give light
And nothing makes you feel your heart or soul ignite

When you are loved for all that you do but not who you are
And every journey you embark on seems a little too far
When the blood from battles won have left a nasty scar
And you feel yourself suffocating under a glass bell jar

When time slip between your fingers too quick
And you feel like contentment is just a cruel trick
When every change you've made doesn't seem to stick
And the weight in your chest is heavy and thick

Remind yourself it's okay to take rest
Remind yourself you've done your best
Hold a happy moment close to your chest
Be kind to yourself when life tries to test

In the thick of sticky summer heat
A voice that still makes my heart skip a beat
Run my tongue over the sound of your name
Knowing nothing could ever be the same

Your love was motion sickness on a highway
Your love was a red card for foul play
The double yellow lines we once sped by
Made a hole in my heart for you to occupy

Now that hole has become a shallow grave
Everyday, a vast emptiness I stave
More than anything, I miss your eyes
Or how for once, I needed no disguise

In my mind we get to roleplay
You say through the night you'll stay
We both wake with sun on our skin
My fingers trace the outline of your grin

But I wake with no sunshine near
The dark emptiness only brings fear
Every day is a cycle I can't break
My life is shallow and fake

Though you've left, I'm glad you came
Every cherry tree still speaks your name
Part of me wishes you'd hold me once more
Whisper that I'm who you adore

This summer I hope you find someone new
I hold no misconceptions - we're through
I'll always keep you near my heart
Now and forever, together or apart

They treated you better than anyone ever had
They were kind and sweet and caring
They made you feel good about yourself
They gave you a reason to keep going

And none of that means they were ever right for you.

You once said you couldn't picture anyone not loving me.
Don't worry, I can picture it really, really well.

your memory is still
my happy place

If we're together til death do us part
Then the only way out becomes suicide

If all good things must come to an end
Then the nightmare of losing you is forever

I don't want time to heal my wounds
I'd rather pick at the scabs and watch myself bleed

you said that aging is collecting ghosts
of everyone who enters your life and leaves
my collection, ambitious, I think of them daily
haunted by those I've loved and lost

You've found those in love with the idea of you
Who see your youth as supposed beauty, the way
Anyone would agree the shore and waves of an ocean
And the sparkling water, like diamonds on the surface
Is beauty itself captured, without seeing the depths --
The muddy ocean floor and vines and tentacles

You've found those who say they love you
Who talk about you like perfection encapsulated
Their dream girl who will surely save them
Kind, compassionate and caring, you love with open arms
There to hold them, cook, clean, support and keep them safe
But your love only heals like a bandaid over an amputation

You've seen love that is exchanged for goods and services
Conditional love that relies on your ambition and ability
Love that is picked up briefly and put down suddenly
Thrice you have even found something resembling absolute love
At a bad time, with the wrong person, in a broken place
And it's never yours to keep and it never remains

So you teeter along this edge where everyone's love
Depends on what you do for them or who you aren't
Slowly but surely you find a way to accept that maybe
No one has ever really, truly, possibly, loved you.
Maybe they can't.
Maybe you are unlovable.

Or maybe love itself is impossible -
An idea created and packaged by capitalism
To sell media and cosmetics and insecurity
You find a way to make peace with the idea of a world
Devoid of unconditional or true love
Where the constance of love and loss are tied

One cannot seem to exist without the other because love itself
Does not exist without barriers or stipulations
The happily ever afters are a likely delusion
One that has poisoned your mind for too long
Love is always conditional, selfish, and possessive
Everyone loved, leaves because love cannot stretch to infinity
Movies and music and literature have lied to us

At some point you learn to give up on others, because it's easier
You learn to stop loving anyone else, either
Because one sided affection is emotionally draining
Giving 100% to anyone but yourself, impossible
And in that moment maybe
You find a way to love yourself like no one else can
Because that's the only thing you have left in this world
While you make peace with the idea
That you, too, will someday leave

Remember the time I played with fire?
Looked in your eyes and saw all I admire
Knew that your touch was what I desire
Didn't believe anything between us would transpire

Remember the night my heart sparked?
Those feelings between us that grew in the dark
How I was happy now, others noticed and remarked
Now without you, the contrast is stark

Remember the way that I burned?
How you told me that this is how I'll learn
Not to play with fire, now I'm not your concern
Even though it hurt, for you I still yearn

I don't dance, I said
But my love for you is greater
Than my need to not embarrass myself
What is love without vulnerability
So I danced that night
As best as I could
Pretended we were the only ones
Left in that speakeasy
The live music echoing through my body
The alcohol moving through my veins
And I don't dance
But maybe for one night
I can be the kind of person who does
The kind of person who lets loose
Twirls without care and loves their body
Despite awkward hips
Legs that stall and ****
But tonight, I can become someone new
Who lets themselves go uninhibited
Who unapologetically twists and twirls
Who shakes out the day, so tonight,
I do dance - but maybe just with you

you tell me what you've learned
from your "failed" marriage
when you fell for someone else;

"you can try to shirk away love
but the act of doing so will destroy you"

and a pang of sadness cuts deep
at the pit of my stomach as I realize
I will always be destroyed

they say we're asleep
until we fall in love
but dreams are the only
way I get to see your face
or touch your skin
life became the nightmare
awakening, impossible
when you're gone for good
love has left me

I make being bad feel so good
You do as you're told, like you should
Always great at taking direction
Agreeing to my every predilection
Your bruised knees as you kneel
Filth when you tell me how it feels
Bite down on the pillow and grab my skin
I'll make you feel good with a little sin
****** you with my lips and kiss
Say I'm all you've ever missed
Let me use the cuffs or crop
Tell me when you've had enough
Whisper something to make you blush
Love your skin when it gets flush
Let's spend all night, just the two of us
Hands pressed together, nothing left to discuss

Thought you were the love of my life
Never saw you holding the knife
Darling, your words cut deep
The price of your love, too steep

You never cared much for what I had to say
Told me my dreams and desires I should delay
Said the things I've loved should be cast away
And baby, getting naked isn't actually foreplay

Now we only go to bed to count a hundred sheep
I guess loving me felt like domestic upkeep
And every night I pray I'll die before I sleep
If only so I won't have to wake and pretend I give a bleep

I tell you I'm not ready but you dive in anyway
I tell you that I'll leave when you force me here to stay
I scream and shout to let me out but you think it's all play
Did you really believe I could never be led astray?

through brandy doors we steal
kisses and argue about transcendentalism
you tell me morality is more than philosophy
it's a way of life you follow regardless
but to me, what is moral has always been relative
wars fought or people killed is biblical morality
justified as an act for greater good
divine and righteous punishment like saints
sightless martyrs holding up the stars
we count the knots in twisted trunks
life itself as tedious as pushing boulders up hills
your fingers on my skin are meaning
your eyes and lips are purpose
staving away the absurd to tomorrow

I once met a man as blind as the sea
Whose waves crashed down indiscriminately
Dark hair in hand, he whispered to me,
His voice quiet, a solemn plea

He wanted me to throw myself away
This, the meaning his message did convey
Become someone who would make him stay
Quell his waves to still and grey

A good girl - I do as I'm told
I become someone easier to hold
Remove the parts of me too bold
Despite the ocean remaining cold

Til my happiness is a dream unfound
Til my thoughts are still and bound
Til I feel as though I've drowned
Just hoping that he'd come around

But his ocean held no coloured light
It only served to spark and ignite
My colours escaped despite his plight
My wings grew and I took flight

my throne is made
of silver and bone
tarnished and alone
I sit waiting for you

threads tie my wrists
in ribbons of red string
like a pretty little parcel
another play thing

you toy with me
a game of cat and mouse
watch your fingers unbutton
the top of my blouse

I watch as you
uncover my chest
to plunge a dull dagger
into my breast

shock sets first
I sputter and cry
blood then bursts
hands covered red

my eyes aglow
a wounded animal
blood pools below
I think of your lips

of sunshine kisses
an ocean of care
until that moment
love was all fair

now the price is paid
heavy hearts lay
I foam at the mouth
like a rabid stray

my crown is made
of cobwebs and spiders
I think of your face
as consciousness fades

Burn the barn with the red wooden doors
Pour gasoline on the warm cedar floors
Your eyes alit against orange smoke skies
You warn me of my own demise

We watch it together, collapse and unbecome
Neither a death nor a beginning and none
A moment witnessed by death and I alone
From the flames, I cast the first stone

I blame death for all done and said
Death reminds me I too will wake dead
So I beg it to leave me to the fire
Plead that it's my time to expire

But death carries me outside once more
Tells me it will soon even the score
Not today nor tomorrow and yet
My heart stopping, a sure-fire bet

Death leaves me to deal with the flames
Find a way to work through the pain
As if heart or home could be rebuilt
As if I could forgive my own guilt

Night after night I sleep under the stars
Watch my old wounds become scars
Slowly I build a new red door and four walls
While listening to death whisper and call

Though I keep living with all these regrets
Waiting for my sun to eventually set
From old barn ashes sprouts emerge
Tiny seedlings through dirt surge

I'll watch poppies and lilies bloom
Keep working by merely light of the moon
Until I'm rebuilt and once again new
Order is brought to what was once askew

And though death seems to always draw near
I decide to abandon my fear
Even in times I'm lonely, sad or asunder
I'll take the rain, and keep the thunder

someday when I die
if my thoughts continue on
without a body or being
I often wonder if
my postconsciousness
will still think of you

will you be the last thought
the final breath I draw
guiding me to the stars
a voice whispering
I'm good and still loved

if you are engraved
into my very soul
impossible for me to wash off
or remove

I'll die haunted
by the person you are
the things we never were

a lobotomy can't fix me
you will still exist

even when my heart stops beating

surrounded in a field of weeds
you pretend to plant your seeds
water something that won't grow
we both know it's just for show

loved it when our fingers laced
miss the way you used to taste
still have you between my teeth
now you're just out of reach

so raise your glass always half full
appreciate what I'd call dull
enjoy all your time away
because alone is how we'll stay

take a sip, give me no heed
find someone else in my stead
know I only drink to you
forget, remember, bid adieux

stop forgiving and cutting slack
to those who don't love you back

your whole body becomes a map made for me
to explore the uncharted territories
conquer the lands where I see fit to leave my mark
to seek and record with eyes and hands what is tangible
but I wish, more than anything, that I could uncover
your mind, your soul, your core, your being
to find my way under your skin as you have mine
the topography of your brain is a beautiful landscape
I want to study your phenomenology
to become a cartographer of your sulci and gyri
come to know the lines and ridges of your consciousness
create new methodology to observe and transcribe
your brain is a fingerprint unique, and yours
all the more beautiful for it's belonging

your touch was poetry
in a language I can't read anymore
I still feel it in the core of my bones
the lines and shadows of each letter
drawing out a standing ovation
I had never felt freedom from my mind
you showed me how I could let go
held me in a way that led me to believe
I would be okay somehow
because you'd catch me if I fell
gentleness and death in your eyes
now you speak and your words
disappear in the air before reaching me
on the other side of the room I see
your lips and hands move but can't
make out the sounds or shapes you take on
so I watch the way you create poetry
like looking at pictures in a book
when you touch someone else
in the language we once spoke

the bartender poured
a double of something
"drink this," she said
"just don't smell it,
and definitely don't sip it"
her light eyes looked at me
and for a moment reminded me
of what I wanted to forget
I downed the shots but
they never made me feel better
I briefly contemplated my options
a one-way ticket to Manchester
or drinking on-sale antifreeze
my silver jacket buttons
holding cold in their heart
I took a drag from a cigarette
dangled it between my fingers
"I don't even smoke", I laughed
my words hung in the air
like a foreign object out of reach
and it smelled like you
watching ashes and smoke
getting lost in the crisp air

you poured gold over my scars
caressed them with tenderness
held me while I wept that snowy afternoon
destroyed and recreated
you told me I didn't have to see myself
as broken, despite the fact
I felt shattered and torn
fragile as glass or porcelain

I've fought myself for years
lost to the demon inside that told me
become so thin you disappear
walk in the tundra until you freeze
make yourself bleed to death
I only loved myself when you held me
loved my body because it was yours then
that it could feel your touch and breath

now I fell and broke with a crash
my jagged pieces formed a puzzle
I can still be useful and full of good
I've picked up the pieces one by one
put myself back together this time
ignored the voices wanting pain
became my own gold and watched it
sparkle as I rebuild myself

I'm not okay, even though I know everything will be

eventually

life is but a cruel game
where we live each moment
always missing someone

I talked to a Serbian man
at the bus stop going home
told him my mom died
on the solstice this year
the longest night that never
would become day for her

he said his died when he was 50
that he wept like a child then
tears formed in his pale eyes

though this game seems unfair
that no one close to us remains
we only borrow one another
life is not a game played for keeps
we exchange time for experience
and life itself for memories

early morning sun weeps
rays against my skin through
open summer window
shadows hug the curves
of my arm and stomach
I believe, briefly, that I've dissolved
exsanguinated, I lay lifeless
a pile of flesh and mess
worried my soul has left it's shell
I exist only momentarily
when you touch me
when your eyes meet mine
when your body wraps around me

I vanish once more when you leave

god's teeth, like crooked giants
stood before me, unconquerable.
I've always chased windmills but
some demons are too great to slay,
and I, too foolish and tired to slay them.
"you were young once, too," they whisper,
they have been here at the dawn
of time and stand, eroded but beautiful.
they only remind me that my youth is gone,
of my fleeing mortality.
I will be long dead,
the earth will live on
without me, someday,
as will you.
will you mourn me when I go?
will you leave orchids at my wake?
I never wished to see a world without you in it,
never wished to feel my body apart from yours
though you've shown me what it looks like now.
and everything is a bit bleaker,
the first snow fall brings only
silence and slush and empty contemplation
and I hate it.
I hate being alone with these thoughts.
but rather than spearing the giants and demons,
I'd be lying if I said I didn't think
the spear would easier go through me
I'll get back on my horse and ride
towards the empty and unfulfilling horizon
as long as I can, I promise
I will fight an eternity for your memory alone

today, at the age of thirty,
I became an orphan.

two empty seats will be at my graduation.
no family at Christmas.
the last living member in this lineage.
no brothers or sisters,
no aunts or uncles.

millions of years of evolution,
and natural selection,
will end when I die...
and I will have no family to mourn me,
as I mourn for my mother today.

and maybe it's better that way,
because no one else deserves
to feel the immense loss of death.

anyone else here enjoy slow torture,
like backtracking months ago
in chats of failed relationships
to cringe at how strongly you
loved or seeked approval or desired
realizing how long it was unreciprocal
watching your patterns and foolishness
wishing you could stop the you
from the past from breaking the heart
of every future version of yourself
reliving the past like ptsd
watching yourself die over again
to prove it was real, that you lived, once

so I travel back months in time
to when we still spoke
and wish I could revoke every feeling
take back every word and every sentence
stop myself before I said anything nice
but the past is set in electronic cyberspace
arguably more permanent than stone

so I read and internalize every "k"
every empty emoji or moments
you were terse or upset with me
because they remind me to always
choose the one who loves me most
to play it cool and careless instead
compartmentalize it and remind myself
the one who loves more loses more
free is the one who has nothing to lose
and I'll get there too, someday soon
but until I can lose my feelings entirely
I'll keep numbing them with words
the ones you wrote to me
the ones I wrote to you
the ones you never voiced
and the ones I keep writing to this void

I'm not a ******* but you still hurt so good.

You walked right by me
I pretended not to notice
not to make things awkward
because even now
I still think of you

I didn't see if your eyes
tried to connect with mine
but I felt us connect regardless
walking away was all I could do
to avoid the intense feelings held

I can pretend my heart doesn't sink
when I think of you; mind, body, soul
I can act like I don't see you first
when I walk into the room
or like my feelings are buried deep

I'll be anyone you want, love
but I refuse to ever be the one
who loves, hurts, and cares more
because my heart can't handle that again
so I walked by you and said nothing

I want to feed my mind and my soul
and forget my body ever existed

Once upon a time ago,
A phoenix dared kiss a dove;
Together, wings beat with love,
With ador true, passion slow.

Phoenix of autumnal light,
Hearts collide and lit aglow.
Together, they could both grow,
Through open skies they took flight.

Once they moved in tandem, now
Still as a set sun they lay.
Easy love they did portray;
Though turtle promised no vows.

Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Died it did when Phoenix fled,
Dove still feels a loss, immense.

Phoenix from ash is reborn;
And perfect as they hath seemed
(Like nothing could come between)
The dove from ash remains torn.

Feathers of flame and fury,
Fervor, passion, sparks ignite,
And ashes spread like a blight,
Below, dove burned to bury.

Reciprocity a dream,
With singed wings, dove died on dirt,
What remained; a numbing hurt,
Death of love is now the theme.

For True Love does not exist,
Phoenix burned the whole night through,
From turtledove they withdrew,
Love is only reminisced.

So heed this tale as warning:
Wise the owl who stands alone,
Or eagles heart, cut from stone,
Now the crows stay in mourning.

you aren't gone, I tell myself
just a game put on pause
a phone call on hold
I see the back of your head
a side profile in a crowded train
the faint smell of you
sweat, skin, smoke, soap
I'll join you in the eventual
when my particles disperse to night
into pavement and dirt and sky
connected to the stars
that have always smiled at you
where I long to be

nobody writes poetry about the banal
the ticking clocks and coffee drips
clicked buttons and phones ringing
white walls with greige carpet
waiting in lines for daily tedium
this is where we spend most our time
existing in between the magical
skimming edges of something beautiful
our existence both mundane yet unparalleled
I feel grateful for every tea ring in my mug
pages of old books I will never read
time spent waiting for replies
or watching paint dry on canvas
because this sliver of existence
brief and bland though it may be
can occur only once at this very moment
and our fleeting mortality is extraordinary