She sat up, drenched in sweat, panting. A cursory glance out of her window presented nothing but darkness beyond the fluttering white curtains, the cool night air seeping into her bedroom. She shivered and pressed herself further into the blankets, wrapping layers of warmth around her like a fluffy cocoon.
With a forlorn sigh, she tried to coax herself back to sleep, trying her best to ignore the bright red numbers of her alarm clock that flashed a disappointing 4:00 AM. She knew this would be pointless. She could never sleep on this night- this night where she was annually plagued by a steady onslaught of nightmares on the anniversary of that grim event. To fall into the foreboding arms of sleep meant to curl up in a flurry of gaunt eyes and hollowed skin among other things- terrible things that slowly slunk back into the light, try as she might to push them into the back of her mind and deprive them of memory or existence.
The worst thing she dreamt about, though, was his face. It rushed into her consciousness like an angry dark secret with blinding clarity and startling vividness. She counted several prominent wrinkles on the yellowing, sickly skin. His hair was thinning, falling out in wispy clumps. Perhaps what bothered her most was her recollection of the eyes. She had looked into those eyes much like one would peer down into a chasm: knowing that there was a place down there deprived of light or joy or laughter, simply an empty void. It had been painful to look into those eyes and realize that there wasn’t any hope left for him. And so she had held the withered hand connected to the emaciated excuse for a body, and the eyes looked towards her one last time, remorseful and hopeless. Then they had closed and he was gone.

This house in the hills
Mountains I should say
far from the cities
or from people who play

I enjoy the solitude
the pup who sleeps by me
the man who comes back home
to endearing company

This adobe house, built by human hands.
No machinery needed, helping tend the land.
The river flowing near, and the magpies who visit.
I do enjoy this home, and the people who are in it.

Still, this place lacks joy
from the kids whos laughter echos through the world
from the corners of my mind
an emptiness spreads, and i can not help but feel a lonliness instead.

I am too young for children
I have not learned to teach
I have not learned to reach what is needed to find peace
so what is it I lack?
What more could I seek?

Why should I feel a depression that runs this deep?
Does my past still hold strong
to the young one I once was?
What more do I need.. to finally feel strong?
Do I not understand, my desire to know more
before I bring little ones into this world?
who am I anyhow, to mother, to teach
To preach any message, to those who know peace.
To those who know joy, and more then I remember.
To the ones who are divine with enjoying simple pleasures.

How can I at twenty two, enjoy my life in simple pursuits?

She was the wave of a flood, the tremor of disaster,
The bitter truth that left in ruins all the laughter.
He was the dawn, the warmth melting a winter moon,
The laughter of a child, a poet’s boon.
She touched a life only to dance it into grief,
Her smile was broken, or was that a dream?
He was a dream, a moment of truth,
To a heart so homeless, a comforting roof.
They danced along a path, destiny playing its hand,
Writing music, so effortlessly, along the dropping sand.
His magic so flawless, so was her curse,
What seemed beautiful, turned its page for the worse.
Tears made rivers, rivers evaporated to dreams,
The glittering gold of happiness, was darkness, indeed.
Fate called it love, they had almost called it a defeat,
When he called their victory, in a strong belief.
Tears made rivers, rivers evaporated to a mystery,
How the seven oceans in between, failed to stop destiny.

I fell from the stars that night
I feared the clouded dark sky
And severed all ties with my world
I collapsed from within
And cried

A Birth called forth my fear
Brought about worry, my tears
For five long months it had built within
Until it happened and I fell to the ground
And cried

An excuse to begin closing my windows
Yet no blame can I place on him
Inwardly broken and frightened of the unknown
That weary cool night, my brother was born,
I cried

No control had been placed in my hands
No one had asked me what I wanted
My God simply had different plans
For my family, for his birth, for when
I cried

Plans that would prove greater than I could imagine
For a boy to show us all what life truly is
To prove that love is more powerful than sin
To teach us what it really means
To cry

That night was the foundation of following feats
My brother would breathe and walk,
His mind would prove stronger than possible
The miracle of our home caused us all
To cry

Despite the distress caused by his birth
In time I grew stronger in mind and in heart
For that night I knew that everyday I’d see his face
And realize his joy, his mind, his life. And I’d smile
And cry.