fear screams in my ears like an angry mother
poking through my skin until it reveals my bones
i am a lost soul, i am a lost soul,
i am just a lost and lonely soul aching to find a home
i have no one and no one has me
that used to make me feel at peace but now i'm just so lonely
so i dig my nails deeper into things that i think will satisfy me
but i'm left even emptier than when i've first come
the fountain has now gone
i am all alone
and the story
it goes on and on and on and on...
i wrote this in 2014; sometimes it still feels real
we go through our pilgrimage
and everything feels like a desert.
we try to eat
and drink up,
like nothing is shifting or moving or changing
even a little bit
we grow discouraged
and even question it
dig our nails in the dirt in frustration
but we go on anyway
we read His word,
clinging to every sentence,
like a starved man eating every bit of morsel
we pray even though our words are awkward and all jumbled up
and we don’t even know what to say
and we struggle against our flesh
with all our Spirit-empowered might
and believe that He will come
and break through the darkness…
because there is no darkness in Him.
we are encompassed by His righteousness and light.
we tread through this fallen world
and experience much suffering and sorrow and pain,
but just as He’s promised,
all is light and momentary and every affliction
He is using for His good purpose.
forgive us for chasing after comfort
and pursuing selfishness
and forsaking our brethren
and pouring out our worship
towards things that are useless and vain.
forgive us for turning to our idols,
for our pathetic band-aid solutions
towards problems that have been birthed by our sins.
we drink cheap entertainment
and adore the buzz it creates in our heads
because they drown out the heavy silence
and the emptiness.
but nothing fills.
think of your iniquities,
how seemingly insurmountable are they?
and yet, Christ’s mercies are stronger still.
there are days where this becomes so increasingly real,
beating like a gong inside my head:
I am at His mercy.
and it is a good thing, because it is true,
and if He were not gracious enough to open my eyes to the gospel
I’d still be a rebel
spitting on the face of God.
and nothing else quite like that
it will happen.
you will meet him. you will finally get to look into his eyes. feel his skin. see the slow lift of the corners of his lips as he smiles. it will no longer be pictures, no longer short video clips, no longer just a voice through the phone.
no, you’ll see him, you’ll experience the presence of his whole being.
you’ll feel electricity running up and down your spine, adrenaline rushing through and through, but you’ll feel a warmth and peace washing over you. you will be amazed at the rarity of this connection–how so many people you have encountered only leave you feeling drained, but this soul energizes you. refreshes you. and leaves you curiously wondering why that is.
and he will feel the same.
everything will unfold in a strange beautiful way. peaceful, yet you will feel its intensity. the most quiet explosion.
you’ve always believed there’s a higher love, a connection formed simply by being–not by convenience, not by looks. it’s just there, just like how the mountains are always there, or the sky, or the sea. it’s something natural. it’s something that just is, and we just discover it.
you’ve always believed it, and darling, you won’t be proven wrong.
it will happen.
give me a love that i can’t explain
a love that destroys superficiality
a love that proves it’s real and genuine despite every hard circumstance that tries to threaten it
more than just a pretty face or convenience,
give me something difficult to grab a hold of, but so worthy
that i would want nothing else but to fight for it
until i finally have it
something that would make others say,
“why not just give that one up
and reach for something else, something easier?”
to which i will answer,
“i can’t, i’ve tried,
and my heart simply cannot desire anything else
this is something too beautiful
and i know that beautiful things take time
i can wait, but i can’t afford to settle.”
and it is true; i can’t afford to settle
just because this is easier,
this is closer within my grasp,
does not mean my heart should choose it
i can’t, you know, i’ve tried–
but my soul cries and wails within me
perhaps it understands something my mind simply cannot
give me a love that will break barriers and tear down walls
give me a love so wide
it will overcome miles and miles and miles
a love so deep
it will overwhelm the oceans separating him and i
how is it with you everything feels natural and right?
I didn’t think I could find someone I could talk to
without my heart fluttering uncomfortably in my chest
like a bird locked in a cage, just yearning to be free
wanting the conversation to end
do you know my heart flutters with you--
with a strange happiness?
I always believed love should feel like a release
and not a restriction
but it was difficult when with every soul
I find absolutely no pull
tell me this--
can you feel it too?
because I’m constantly in awe of this, of you
I’m left with wonder at our intertwined existences
how suddenly it could happen,
and how surprisingly right
nothing is forced or clashing
it simply merges and flows
there are some things too wonderful
for our finite minds to comprehend
that perhaps our souls just know.
darling, so it goes; some things are meant to be.
i’ve written poetry about you
i’ve dreamed dreams of you
you were once a mystery
and a hopeful wish
but now you are here.
i can't explain you
i can usually make sense
of these feelings i feel
but for some reason
this is failing me
maybe it's always going to be a mystery
how some people can just crawl inside your heart
and make you feel like you're finally home
i hope you know
i've never felt this way
about another soul before
and naturally i should be scared
but this is one of the most peaceful things
i've ever felt.
you you you