I’m
a black,
queer,
atheist,
woman (***),
???? (gender).

Life is going to be so hard.

I don’t want to die anymore,
I just don’t know how to exist.
Why hello my dear friend

Darkness, you’ve paid me
Another visit.

I should be smug,
tightly wrapped around your finger,
cozy even.

A rope of insecurity
fastens around my neck.

I fasten around you
tighter
tighter
tighter

My grip on reality without you gets
looser.
looser.
Looser.

You’ve traveled to the corners of my mind and into my deepest thoughts.
I never thought anyone would make it that far without ever touching me.

You’ve blushed at the way I put these words together, and
trust me, if you let me keep this up it can go on forever.

And I don’t mean forever as we’ll be together
forever
because I know for a fact
the statistics about high school couples,
I looked them up. Perhaps I’m being presumptuous.

Perhaps I’m thinking too far ahead, because you haven’t even
asked me on a date yet and I’m thinking of you past friendly,
going to poetry written about you,
talk about hitting on you like you were my woman crush Wednesday
but I can't anymore,
You're my woman crush everyday.  

I listen to love poems as if they were meant for me and you and
golly gee if I could,
I’d paint a thousand portraits,
take up my whole SD card in my camera,
Just so you see your beauty in my eyes

Dye my hair into your favorite color
because it puts me closer to you.


I hardly feel lonely anymore.
You’re in the shadows of my poetry, the goal for 2018,
I can’t wait to get honor roll so you can give me that hug and say
you’re proud, because that’s all the motivation I need.

And can I just say,
my medication alters my mood, but it never alters it enough for me to forget what makes me happy naturally,  
what makes me smile when I can’t seem to do it myself; will you be my
daily dose of prozac?
Doctors prescribed 50 ml grams a day but 50 minutes a day hearing you say my name is good enough too.

You’ve gotten me down to a science.
I sutter thinking about you asking me on a date and you
blush at me telling you the truth;
what does that tell us about our past lovers?

Is it alright I see you covered in a sweet truth over romanticized by my words?
Is it alright I say your name like Christians talk about Jesus and hope on our seventh day we create passion?

Jesus Christ,
if you were a word,
you’d be whatever means indescribable feeling between two people;

if you were a song I’d like you to be My Girl,

if I were a ship I’d be the love boat  
because I’m making another round tonight and you are welcome aboard, you are always welcome

because I am in trouble & you like that.
You love me being in this kind of trouble.
To you, it means I’m already yours.

I like you already but
if you let me I could fall in
deep, deep liking
for you.
I need you to stop doing whatever it is you are, because if you don’t, one of us will mess around and fall in love.

I’m stuck between
girl and boy.

I,
a person whose stood tall
against the patriarch like
it was a height rod,

was stuck between becoming
the Woman i never wanted to be
and the man i’ll never become.

I,
the first female child

In those fakely supportive
christ loving houses,

the third to come out of my mother’s womb

Was not a girl, not a woman

Not a boy, not a man

But still female.

Average.

each and every one.
Average.

I should be practicing,
but I think of you instead.

I scream at the universe,
until it begs for mercy.

The stars dim,
meteors retreat,
The moon cries;
it thought I was talking to him.
"Lie to me again,"
I cried,
"Lie to me again,
I dare you"

I screamed the
Earth into new orbit,

Space heard a faint noise
throughout,
The government tries to
hide from the public what they just heard,
Space engineers throw away theories.

"You need her"

Keep Out,
my body tells
you
with all its might.

Chemical Hazard.