i wake and feel it haunt my chest
a shadow i can’t quite forget.
it whispers soft, but sharp and deep,
a fear that never falls asleep.

i know one day it will arrive,
by my own hand, or life’s design.
not if, but when. that’s always clear.
it’s crept beside me many years.

i’ve never known a life that shone,
just gray and hollow, all along.
even as a child, i knew
this path would never bloom or bloom true.

so when the year draws to its close,
i’ll let go all i’ve ever known.
i’ll say goodbye to morning air,
to birds that sing like life is fair.

goodbye to mom, whose love was warm,
who cradled me through every storm.
goodbye to dad, whose fleeting stay
taught me how fast love walks away.

i’ll whisper soft my last goodbye
no rage, no cries, no need to lie.
and in that hush, i’ll drift, unseen.
a breath, a blur. a fading dream.

have you ever seen the bugs that aren't really there?
heard whispers in silence, echoes in air?
do you ever drift as your body walks on
mind far away, but your limbs still drawn?

like a puppet pulled by invisible thread,
going through motions while thought plays dead.
a machine in flesh, with a ghost inside,
screaming no, while the hands comply.

that’s what i’m in, this vacant storm,
a hollow shell in a human form.
i don’t feel real; i’m smoke in the sky.
not even death feels like a why.

everything’s nothing, it all feels fake,
a dream you forget the moment you wake.
even heaven, even hell, seem bare
like bugs and noise that were never there.

whenever i’m real,
nobody hears.
the media prefers silence
wrapped in static,
muted truths.

i speak of faith,
of laws,
of power
and watch the room
empty.

but sadness?
ah...
they lean in.
eyes soft,
nods rehearsed.
the ache is digestible.
the wound, relatable.

funny, isn’t it?
how we hush the loudest truths
yet cradle
our quiet despair
like it's holy.

we ignore the roots,
but mourn the rot.
it's funny.
almost.

i think i found peace,
you and i were not meant to  
but i still look back.  

someone checks my list,  
life is full, bright, and moving,  
yet you cross my mind.  

was it even love?  
then i feel how much i cared,  
yes, it surely was.

she brings the rain, soft and slow,  
a hush of silver, a gentle glow.  
yes, i care for springtime bright,  
but care for nothing in her light.  

she brings the rain, the world turns grey,  
yet melts the clouds, she clears the way.  
in dawn’s embrace, so cool, so wide,  
she brings the rain, i stand inside.

when i talk back, do you feel the rage
a storm inside, a tightening cage?
would you strike, would you scream, let the fury begin?
or is that your father, staring within?

i see the shadow in your gaze,
a past that lingers, sharp as blades.
the echo of him, cold and grim
tell me, love… are you just like him?

Once a hand held me,  
now I rust in silent dirt,  
spikes dulled by lost wars.