I glanced at you both,
and no longer felt the jealousy
that would linger
and peel at my insides

You never did treat me right
It was your loss to lose such
an amazing prize
You will always be looking for a piece in me
in every person you're with

When you've forgiven
But haven't forgotten

you speak of
natural internal beauty
when you can barely keep away
from the botox and implants that
don't cease to influence you

The best music comes from the soul. It isn't the trending song. The one most sung, the one played most at a party. The best, come to whisper at you in complete darkness. It is a tune of a Hispanic woman, broken & unimaginable & captiviating. The songs of my grandmother, powerful & breathtaking & perfect. The humming from my grandpa, my mentor and joker. My sisters' constant commotion, the annoyance & welcoming sense of home. My best friends knowledge, understanding & sarcastic & amazing. My aunts, their horrible humor and teenage behaviour. . .

All mixed together

Dont expect me to decide
between Blood
Choosing a side to make the path easier
Is a horrible weakness

Listen to love songs with a new passion
No more longing for the past
Here,
Right now,
Looking forward to tommorow

Been feeling lucky the suns approaching each morning
F I N A L L Y. . .
LETTME touch you Sun!
Making my day brighter
with all the pretty colors
Thank you,
I would send you a letter
But...
You're really, really, really
far away

I find myself staring at the beauty
The complete innocence before me
The slightest move, rippling effects

Its grace neverending
Its loyalty everlasting
Its love forevermore

You make me feel so happy,
Then so sad

A failure,
Then a success

Mistake,
Then perfection

The fresh rain,
A downpour of hail

Everything clear,
Made hazy again...

Don't talk to an idiot who won't be willing to listen

2. Let things go, don't take it personally

3. Don't ask for forgiveness when there is none to be forgiven for

4. Letting another person down isn't worse then letting myself down

5. Stop taking it to heart

6. Silence is all that is needed

7. Desperation is yelling

"If theres something left . . . I'll fight for it", he said faintly.

I didn't need an "if"
I had wanted a "because"

I cry
Not for me, not for you
Not in sympathy nor in pity

I cry
At how easily I can put up a blank face
And not hide behind that fake smile

I cry
Because of the repetition and
every thing I N B E T W E E N

I cry
The mental and physical, tearing me little by little
Each time, only to be scarred

I cry
Because this is making me stronger,
But still hurting, for each new second

All hurt was enough, to have me detracted, to not want you.

when you
Leave
my ******* is raised,
an image imprinted on
your **backs

Wanting to hate you
I did... Yes I did
Anger and hurt like
moths swarming  my face

•••

Vulnerable, indecisive
I didn't know how to
Continue this

But...

Lost & Found
Yet again, I found myself
Anger doing nothing but
Only in bringing it to others

•••

Looking at you in admiration,
Love
Does all the difference
For my Eyes Mind & Soul

"I can't wait to count those rings.
I got my chainsaw, boy
You know its gotta go
And I aint gonna be happy until those names fall.
And I'm sittin on a stump

Love is shady
Love is tragic
Its hard to bury the hatchet"

Ive grown so much stronger though... I can feel the strength appear, my confidence in a complete crowd. I aim to feel different, hopeful. I breathe in, I breathe out. I can feel the change... And ****.

*it feels good

Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder. To talk to you, to get to you. Then I think of myself, how I needed someone. It turns to selfishness. I have love, I never ever will stop wondering how much I can give. I gave it away, not to empty hands but to you. I get angry at myself. How I shouldve helped , what I couldve done. I would cry, your name through the hard nights. I did need you, i just wished you could have come to me. I notice its getting easier, I wonder what you're doing, how you are. I can't play the blame game anymore. I will always love you. I can't help it, I know and hope you'll grow a way from me within time. Its not love in the same way, physical stills there. Ive grown so much stronger though... I can feel the strength appear, my confidence in a complete crowd. I aim to feel different, hopeful. I breathe in, I breathe out. I can feel the change... And ****.

*it feels good

I walked to you,
hoping I would have a chance.
I limped back every
single time
*defeated

I stopped trying. Yes.... I did.
I didn't say hello. I didn't try to contact you,
wishing it was you instead

I didn't expect you to make me
Your everything, to merely focus on me
I get everyone has their own crap going on

Guess where I lay...
Drenched in sweat
In my bed, crying and shaking through those nights

Gosh it hurt so much.
But I needed to learn where you stood.
You stood so much farther than I thought...

I burned all of it.
Your letters.
Your words.
Your songs.
Your pleas.
Did you know you were my energy too?
You weren't the only only in need.
I wanted you here
I spoke your name in the darkest nights,
Wished for you at my weakest
But all I saw was a blank sheet of rain
It all falls down to me again.
Maybe that's why I'm watching the fiery red glow.
Maybe I'm glad some of the memories are gone.

False hope.*

Sometimes you need it. Just to feed off of it for the future.

You stand in a group of
"friends"
Flaunting your features in
a minidress and and sparkling water
in your hand
People talk amongst us -
Near you, around me.
They seem to talk of you -
and only you, not me
Dont mind at all actually
You dont get it.
Protuding at sharp angles,
you're all bones.
Like a corpse stuck in
midstride - you have no
Swag
Legs thinned to paper.
Rib case sketched by the stretch
of your baby blue dress.
You flirt, dance, smirk
at everything that breathes
Sadly, no ones entranced.
Think all should be jealous -
even the homozygous.
Your ego bigger than
Nicki Minaj's **** -
it spans for miles


We talk, enjoy the night
until we hear something
Ugly
"only 115? That's all?
Lose a little more... Quit eating"
They leave, you weep
everyone stares
Afterall, youve just lost
your throne and jewels.
Too diluted with your thoughts,
you would lock yourself in the
bathroom stall
wishing for your fairy godmother
You run outside - tripping,
nearly falling, leaving a glass slipper
Behing
No one seems to care.
I glance at the two at my sides,
lucky to have such friends
Silent understanding passes between
Us
We make outside ~ findin
you cryin like the worlds endin
Holding up your shoe, we walk over
put my hand on your shoulder
Like a rail, hard and thin it is.
"Im sorry", you blurt.

"Dont be.. We'll buy you your own pizza."

I'm still here for you honey just not in that way ~ I can't mean that much to someones eyes. Love & friendship is two different things ~ The distance is well enough for both. The pain and suffering ~ you thought you were the only one. At my weakest I found four hands to help me ~ sadly, you weren't one. Been fightin decades ~ less than you, taking down armies. Gladly I’ll extend my hand ~ you’re my friend. Taught me a lot ~ been jumping off cliffs to hopefully see you again. Time is on our side ~ be a shame to waste it on others. By impulse & instinct of being free ~ I thank you.

I can't stop. My lips are forming gentle lines of that lovely smile when i think of you. It starts with slight crinkles at the center, muscles moving upward, almost helplessly.

Sitting alone together underneath this bridge. Water sweeps and hits our faces, its so calm here with you. My arms around you, fierce and loving. I love you with everything I have... But I know it wont last. Im sorry for the pain it caused you. Im sorry for deserting you like I did. Its my fault. even if I knew you were first, it would always seem you were put second. you were always on mind, you still are. As gracefully as I can, im trying to let you go.

There. Hes right there, on the floor. Rushing through the white front door, I stop and crouch down to the floor. Check his pulse, screaming, crying, in tears. Setting off an alarm within my overprotective barriers. Maybe... If maybe, I had been there quicker.

She had two clenched fists, one around her heart and the other on her mind.

"You deserve someone who'll wipe away all your tears and tell you it'll all be ok."

                                                           ­                          *Well ****

Why do you just stand there and listen?

DOG

Please just go away

ANIMAL

Be strong.. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

STUPID

Stop. It's like this everyday.

*****

You wonder why I cry myself to sleep. Why my pillow has become my best friend.

*******

I thought you were my daddy. To help protect me. I have to help protect myself now.

The tremors
My moans,
The feel of your fingers
Skin on skin

Mapping of your body,
The crevasses, ridges
My hands,
Roaming

gentle
rough
playful
Forever, I want you

I want you
Just as you want me
Except I keep to myself of the
pleasures you give

You always seem to want more.
More...
Richer is much better. The life we live is saddening. Drowning in your own pitiful puddle. Never enjoying and taking things for granted. Waiting.. in hopes that something greater will fly in unexpectedly.
More...
You aren't good enough. Become a better person, everyone can change.
What if this is the real me? You simply can't except that...
More...
If only you were a boy our lives would be easier. You are worthless, an animal, a *******. If only you weren't here.
More...
Its all an act. Outside, you're a great person. Inside, you're one of the most cruel and ignorant people. I don't hate you but you simply don't see the way its hurting.

*I don't believe you ever will

I wish you were right here with me. Same bed, same room Not for ***. Not for making out. Just... Here laying next to me in your arms... It's the safest place to be. Scaring away my fears, dispersing my thoughts. You're one of a kind. I'm truly grateful for you & just... *everything

A lover of rain
Escalating showers,
Strike of anger lights the sky
Sprinkle of rain drops along my forehead
... Dewdrops . .
                         .
                        .
                         .
pitter   patter   pitter   patter

Uncontrollable
Beautiful
Lovely

Just leave.
Leave...
You've given me it all
Our happiness, our laughter
But your lies?
I don't know who to believe
Who to side with

Tossing. Turning...
Wishing there'd be a way to quit
This endless fighting
Quit this useless struggle
No one but myself to help.