I run
Hard
Trying to leave
The demons
Behind
But they run
Harder
And I can't escape
The sound of my feet
And the heat of their breath
Beating out the silence
In my retreat
From the wounds
That fester once more
And bleed
And break me.

There is no such thing as turning a corner
And seeing hope set before me.

There is only the running
Hard, harder,
Fast, faster,
Gotta just keep one foot landing
Then the other.

In circles
I run.

Until the day I say it's enough.
And let the demons just out of reach
Catch up
And steal the last sliver of soul
I've run so hard to keep hold
Of.

I know I'll stop running one day.
I know I'll watch them steal me
Without a fight or care.
I know I won't scream when the pain
Of losing my soul comes.
I know I'll just stand arms slack and head back
As the skies pour one last rain for me.
I know my eyes will close knowing I have no soul.
And I know all this will be my last reality,
But it'll be your face I see.

You've been with me always.
I wish you could have stayed with me always.

But I run
Hard
And alone.

Always alone.
Because no one can keep a runner.
Because no one can love a runner.

I strip down and look in the mirror.
I see your mark everywhere.
The scars you put on my body
And the scars you put on my soul.
The scars I made with my own hands.
All these scars that carved a hole
In me, unfillable abyss.

Then my eyes trace familiar lines
From the crows feet at my cheeks
And I can't help but stare
At the genetic inheritance
You left to me.
These angled ****** planes and
Auburn highlighted hair
Are all I have left of you.
My last mementos.

The longer I stand with my scars in the mirror,
The more the pain becomes real.
The more times I trace the last of you in my face,
The smaller the imprint of your touch on me becomes.

The double-edged sword of reality:
You hurt me,
You raised me,
You hated me,
But I think you also loved me.

Confusion first swirls
Then quickly fades.
For none of that matters now does it?

All I know is you're gone
And that's now what's real.
And I miss you
And that too is a fact.

My heart stops and skips a beat
When I see your face on the inside of my eyelids
And I struggle in vain to keep
The tears from spilling over and falling out.

I know I said I let you go.
I know I said I've moved on.
I know I said I'm ok.
I know I said I'll find someone else to love
But,

******* it.
I miss you.

I hold your hand
As your bones grow cold.
I wish you didn't have to go.

I hold my breath
As yours fades away.
I wish I never had to see this day.

I keep your pillow next to me,
As my own muffles my screams.
I keep your picture on my wall
Because I don't want to forget at all.

Please.
Don't go.

Your eyes are incredulous,
Unsympathetic, and just a touch doubtful.
But why wouldn't you be?
You never lived through anything
That would bring you to such darkness.
So I don't blame you for not understanding.
And I'll do my best to keep it
From ever touching you,
For I would not even wish this depression
On my most mortal enemy.
It's an unavoidable riptide of despair
That hits like a bullet train at full speed
With absolutely no ****** warning
And takes you out to a black sea
Where you fight with every limb
To keep your head above the waves
That keep crashing down and pressing up
Until every fiber of your body and soul
Are drained of endurance and will,
So you stop kicking and flailing
And find yourself lying on your back
Floating on the top of the water,
And for a second you have peace
Because the waves are crashing
But the fight is over, the struggle is over,
And slowly you let yourself sink
Into the cold arms that have been drawing you closer.
And the last thing you see
As the light above fades into the shimming drink
Is the nothing that has been your constant friend.
So don't ask how I'm doing.
Don't inquire after my health.
For to tell you would be to ask you to risk
Life and limb to jump in after me
To save my broken soul from sinking any further.
And don't you know?
I'm too far gone for you to save.
I'd rather see you standing on solid ground
Than swimming after me.
I'd rather save you and see you keep
Your doubt and disbelief
Than ever truly understand
What my depression is to me.

It goes down like
The ice-cold tendrils of hell's deepest level
Are clawing at the slick walls
Of my tight throat.
A stone the weight of a mammoth
Settles in the pit of my stomach.
And the edges of my vision
Darken until it's just a pinprick.
Hands trembling.
Heart hammering.
Legs unsteady and ready
To collapse and fail me.
It's coming and I can't stop it.
I can never stop it.
All I can do is endure.

How many more things
Must I longsuffer?
How many more times
Can my heart break
Before the putting back together
Is worth far less than
The staying broken?
I don't know how much more
I have in me to just breathe again.
This pain, this migraine,
Is just the symptom of
Something more
Unbearable.

I wonder what you'd say if you could see me now.
If we passed on the street, would you recognize me?
Because
I made something of myself, you know?
I hold down a great job.
My coworkers love me.
People respect me because I'm good at what I do.
People respect me because I'm a good friend.
People respect me because I respect them.
I made something of myself, you know?
I pay my rent and bills and insurance
On time with the money I earn by hard work,
And hell, I'm proud of me.
I made something of myself, you know?
Made a few friends along the road
And communication keeps us staying that way.
They know where I stand
And they're proud of me too.
I made something of myself, you know?
I guess you really don't.
It's been years since you've picked up the phone
To ask me how I am,
To see what I've done,
To learn what kind of person I'm become,
To behold the woman I have grown into.
I've made something of myself, you see.
And it just plain *****
That you refuse to be
A mother to me.
I don't need you to coddle,
To hand-hold or problem-solve.
I just need you to be
My mom.
I'm grown, I'm adulting, I'm fine.
But, don't you wish you knew me now
Instead of just the me when I was a kid?
Don't you wish you could see
The person I've grown to be?
Would you ever be proud of me?
I guess I'll never know.
But before I go,
Thanks.
Really.
You may not be the best role model or mom,
But I am who I am today
Because *I chose to be.

Pulsing beneath
My skin
Is a heartbeat
That pendulums
From anxious to placid
And more often than not
Doesn't know the meaning
Of steady.

Left for dead
In a dumpster
But not dead
Still one breath left

A gentle hand
Saved my body
And gentle words
Healed
The hidden wounds

A nameless face
You chose to stay
Never giving in
To my demands
Of "Who the hell are you?"
Until you knew I'd be ok
And left without
Another word

A nameless face
But I will find you
And one day
I will thank you.

We sat neath the stars
Until our view was marred
By a layer of clouds
Bringing rain.

We jumped in your truck
In the attempt to duck
Out of sheets of water
And thunder.

It was cozy inside
With you by my thigh
Warming me straight
To the heart.

But it's cold tonight
As I try to hide
In my car as it rains
Outside.

Where rain falls
Your memories follow
And I find
I'm all alone.

Today I'd like you to raise your glass
For I've someone I'd like to toast.

Her hair curls like a corkscrew
And I've always been envious.
Exotic beauty shapes her eyes
And ears and lips and nose,
And I always wished I looked like her.
It isn't merely her looks I covet,
For she has a brain with intellect
That rivals the best rhetorician
From Plato to Hobbes to Sartre.
Pick any topic and she'll begin to debate
With practiced ease
Until the other's hand is thrown up
In plain defeat.
But it isn't just her forensic skills
That I wish to possess.
There is yet more to this curl topped girl.
Her heart is bigger than the world.
She loves with compassion
And sympathy
Like I've never witnessed before.
This is what I envy and covet the most,
For where her heart of gold lies,
Mirrored in me is just stone.

She may be younger in years
But she's always been a hero of mine.
And I hope I will continue to be in awe
As she shows the world
Who we all can strive to become.

To my sister.
Sláinte

He sits on my dashboard
Watching me as I drive
Much like he used to sit
Under your windshield
And watch the world go by.
He sits there and I try to forget
But he sits there and makes me remember.
So why don't I just toss this beat up bear away
Like you tossed our friendship aside?

Because I still love you
And I miss you.

My hands are rough with callouses
And my wrists sore from the bearing weight.
My knees creak as I rise from my seat
And ground is cold to my bare feet.
Skin marred with scars
And a soul just as mottled.
A past with more dark
Than light in its memories.
The albatross hangs round my neck,
And we share a name: Unwanted.

Who will want me?
Who will love me?

She had mousey brown hair
Always in a bun.
Her hazel eyes turned grey at times,
And she got pink in the sun.
She stood taller than I;
Though I desperately tried
To grow that extra four inches
Alas my genetics determined
It would not be so.
Her hands were not distinguished
But rather soft yet common.
(I grew very well acquainted with those knuckles.)
Her body once lithe before childbirth
Became a homely pear.
Not much, you may say, to look at.
But there were days, I'll tell you,
When she was more beautiful
Than the red harvest moon.
The days on which she smiled.
Those are the days I search for
In my memory.
For that is all I have left of her, you see.
Just this artfully lacking description
Based upon fading photographic memories.
Nothing tangible.
Just this imaginable
Portrait of my mother.

I miss who she used to be.

Tell me,

When children lay dying
In muddied dusty streets
In a place so far removed
From the world you've hewn
A niche all for yourself
And your loved ones,
Do you pity them?

Tell me,

When bombs fall in the night
Filling children, women, and men with fright
For their meager yet worthy lives
Apt to be cut short before their time,
Do you sympathize?

Tell me,

When the man on the street
With one hand and no feet
Shakes a half empty cup
Begging for your money to sup
On something more than handouts
At the local shelter,
Do you drop your high-held nose and also a few coins?

Tell me,

When the neighbor girl
Walks past your door
On a triple-digit summer day
In long sleeves and heavy pants,
Do you stiffen with concern
That mottled skin might lie beneath
Her carefully constructed facade?

Tell me,

How close to home
Must tragedy strike
Before your eyes
See humanity?

Must it be your best friend on drugs
Or your mother with her whiskey
Or your brother with his guns
Or your daughter with her cuts,
Or even yet all of them dead
Because of their sins and addictions
That kept them
From living instead of merely surviving
Until one day they threw in the towel
And now you can't follow.

Tell me,

What will it take?
For us to see humanity.

She held my hand
As I put the flowers on your grave.
And I didn't understand
How the wind kept whispering your name.

I stood up on that hill
Thinking of all the things we'd done.
Down my spine ran a chill,
Trying to face what I'd become.

No one ever said it'd be like a hurricane
Rushing through my veins.
I try to hold the tears back,
But they fall like rain
Washing my sins away.

*Washing our sins away.

She said,
"By the time you blink your eyes,
The year will have passed,
And you'll be home!"

I left with those words ringing in my ears.
I held to those words for three hundred days
And I chanted those words for sixty-five more.

Then just as she promised
With a blink of mine eyes
The months became a year
And thus I returned.

Little had I known
What she was really going to say
Was,
"Blink,
So you won't see me leave."

Listless bones
And weary muscles
Flop on a floor-bound mattress.
Crooning tunes
And lilting bassoons
Flit on a fan-turned breeze.
Despite the heat
I find respite
In this brief pause
From reality.

I will never understand you.
And that's our great tragedy.

I* will take no prisoners.
I will leave none alive.
I will **** every soul that resists
And every one that doesn't.
I will keep my blade wet with blood
And my face dry of tears.
Sorrow and anguish and pain are gone,
For there are no emotions were Depression reigns.
There is only silence.

Black and white dreams
Streaked with stripes of red.
Sepia-toned visages of the dead.
And the symphony plays the most haunting melody:
Silence.

You said
"You should let me love you,"
But you have no idea
Of what loving me entails.

Loving me
*Means accepting the silence.

Her eyes refused to close.
Intent on the world around her.
His eyes refused to open.
Content with the peace sleep afforded.

His nose a button just like his mama's.
Her ear lobes detached just like her papa's.

My love poured through every pore
As my arms cradled these two new to life.
Heart-stopping gratitude and mirth
Overflowing at knowing one day
Their lips would part to utter "Auntie"
To me.

My family--
Not by blood
But by love.

The ache is old
And deep-seated
And cold
And numbing
And uncontrolled
And heavy
And bold.

It hits as if Thor's hammer is
Striking his enemies who have somehow
Taken up residence
In my heart.
And he must obliterate them.

I wish the doctors could find a way to fix this.
But it seems they are as lost as I.

So I greet this ache as I would Death:
An old friend,
Yet one I had hoped to be far less aquatinted with.

This ache is old,
As old as I.
And it always will be.

I go back
To the place that molded me
Shaped me into who I am today.
The trees are so much taller
And I stand before them
That much straighter.
The paint that stuck in my memory
Of faded white and grey-blue trim
Is fresh and spotless and perfect,
Like the mask I painted
On my own face in the mirror that morning.
The grass I spent countless childhood days
Mowing and trimming and ****-whacking
Is manicured by professionals now.
And a different girl sits on the roof
Making her own memories.
We stare at each other in silence
Committing the other's features to memory.
Then with the slightest of nods in her direction,
I'm turn on my heel and gone.
You see I've been lost for awhile now
In this world we all must make our home.
And I thought that maybe by going back
I'd find myself.
And I suppose I did, but really I didn't.
I wasn't there--
In those memories.
No, I found myself--
I was in the walking away.

The ground shook yesterday,
And the limb I perched upon
Bowed and threatened to break.
The sky above darkened with clouds
As moisture gathered in the air.
My fingers loosened from their firm grasp
Round the branches to which I clung.
And as the sky lit up with nature's fireworks
Of crisscrossing patchwork lightning
I stood up and spread my arms.
The wind picked up and beat icy droplets
Into my chest and cheeks.
And in the moment before I fell,
I yelled.
As the breath escaped my lungs
In a violent echoing release,
I closed my eyes and steadied myself
And then stepped off and flew.
Oh what a flight it was!
And the ground caught me
Like a frypan catches the tossed up pancake.
And all life was beaten from my body
And all my demons exorcised.

And then my eyes peeled open
To see the white ceiling above
And i felt the starched sheets
Chaffing my sweat-soaked skin
And I realized I have to live the day
All over again.

He stood beside the fence post
At the edge of his land
Ready to give all or maybe just most
Of the crops he'd gathered by hand.
He stood under a crimson sky
Behind which the purple night
Chased, nipping at its heels.
And it was as if he could feel
The urgency of dark falling
And the day coming to its inevitable close.
His skin tingled with longing
As a waft of the summer night breeze hit his nose.
And he knew soon
He could go home.
And just when the moon
Appeared in the sky alone,
The man picked up a tune
With his lips and his crops with his hands
And proceeded to amble
Leisurely home.

The windows are only six inches wide
And just under two feet long.
More of a slit to the outside world
Than actual viewing panes.
All day long I'd been able to ignore
The traffic that constantly passed.
Yet a ****** of awareness
****** my head up
At the exact moment
You walked by.

And I remembered
How back in the day
When we were inseparable,
I could always pick you out of a crowd;
How back in the day
When we read each others' thoughts,
I always knew when you entered the room;
How back in the day
When we would fall asleep side by side,
Your hand always found mine.

My hand tingled for a millisecond
In tactile remembrance.
But as quickly as it came, it faded,
And I turned my eyes away,
For what right have I to such memories?
They were memories we made together,
And together we should have kept them.
But you chose another to love instead
And so moved on from me,
From keeping any of our memories.
And though it be painstaking,
I've followed your lead
And slowly but surely
Let go of each fading memory from my mind.

But before I let this last one go,
I wonder in passing:
Do you still have that ****** too?
For when I looked up thru the window,
So did you.

Tucked away in a hidden pocket
Of an old worn leather wallet
Is a faded folded Polaroid
I take out for yet another glimpse.

His fingers wrapped tightly
Around the little hand
Of the sleeping child in his arms.
His eyes traced the silhouette
Of pursed lips to fattened cheeks
And he thought to himself,
"How does something so wonderful exist?"

He listened to the gentle rasp of breath
And watched the slight rise and fall of chest.
His eye soaked up the sight
Of the bundle of unconditional love he held.
And soon dreams of future adventures
And tales and fables and stories
And daily life monotony
Played like a movie before him,
Drawing a single tear of hope from his eye.

All too soon the child stirred and woke
And jumped up and shouted with glee.
And he returned from sentiment to reality
And made breakfast with a cup of tea
Wishing for more moments like these
Because he finally understood his father's word:
Time passes too quickly when it comes to love.

And when his hand paused over the kettle
And his eyes glazed over with this vague thought,
A small hand touched his arm with "Papa?"
Little eyes took in the strength of character
That towered as a model for a future life;
Little eyes that never strayed too long from
Watching and learning all the things Papa did;
Little eyes that now began to see
There's always another side to every thing,
For with great abruptness
Papa looked into those little eyes
And said, "Go wash up, your hands are *****."

But the glint in his eyes said,
"I love you, always."

I caught a glimpse of coal black hair
And my footsteps faltered a moment,
Though before I could stumble both
Over my feet onto the sidewalk
And down the rabbit hole of memories,
I remembered it couldn't be you
But was just some dark tressed visage
Who cares naught for my haunted soul.

I wish you knew how you undo me.
I wish you knew how you unravel my senses.
I wish you knew how you untangle my thoughts.
I wish you knew how you still affect me
  When you are now but a mere memory.

I wish you knew my memory of you
  Changes with time, as memories are wont to do.
I wish you knew my recollection of you
  Fades with every recall, as clarity is apt to flee.
I wish you knew my impression of you
  Diminishes with the years, as life is accustomed to.

For you are but a shadowed face in the past,
A silhouetted figure encased in the bygone days,
A man I thought I knew and will never see again.

I asked the stars
If it was ok to make a wish
Even in the daylight
Because I hate facing
My demons in the night.

I asked the stars
If it was ok to make a wish
Even in the daylight
Because at night the tears come
Too quickly for words to form.

I asked the stars
What price I had to pay
For my daylight wishes
To come true.

I asked the stars,
But what can stars say?
They are but light from a distant past
With no bearing whatsoever on the present.

They say we're all looking for someone
Who will love us as we deserve,
Someone who will take in all our flaws,
Put up with all our idiosyncrasies,
Accept all our apologies,
And say "I love you" over and over again.

But what if that isn't really what we need?

What if what we need is someone
Who can see through our painted masks
And coping mechanisms and backgrounds
And upbringing and learned habits
And realize that we love them?

What if what we're really looking for
Is someone who will let us love them
The way we know how.

What if what I'm looking for
Is someone who accepts
The freshly washed car
Or vacuumed living room
Or home cooked meal
Or day at the theme park
Or new pair of shoes
Or message on the mirror
Or giant bear hug
With a whispered "thank you"
As my way of saying "I love you"?

What if to be loved,
What we really need is someone
Who will let us
Love them?

The pleasant cacophony
Of mirthful feasting
Surround and invade my soul.
In the midst of the crowd
I stand
And yet alone.
Always has it been.
Ever it will be.
It longs for belonging,
For acceptance, for connection,
My soul.
But when every attempt
At conversation falls into
Short and stilted phrase,
When every try to be friendly
Is met with cold shoulders and icy glares,
I'm left to quietly sip at some iced beverage.
And it is harshly reaffirmed:
I know I will never find what I'm looking for.
And there is no consolation in that.
Just an unrest, a disquiet,
That slips through every fiber of my heart,
And without another's notice,
I slip away
Back to the dark confines of the solitude
I have come to call home.

Curled in a quivering ball,
She holds her lips sealed tight.
Her sole goal is to pass the night
Without utterly losing it all.

Fingers pressed to temples,
Eyes shut with all her might,
She waits for dawn's first light
And begs for it to be gentle.

She begs for Time to have mercy
On her worn and wearied soul.
She pleads, beseeches, and cajoles
For Time to find her worthy.

And when the sun's beams
Breach the womb of dawn,
Her exhausted form looks upon
A new day and a new dream.

Blue skies like a canvas overhead
With painted, cottenball clouds.
Shrieks of gleeful mirth
And raucous athletic cheers
Float on a gentle spring breeze.

But for me...

Thunder rumbles
In my boiling-blooded veins.
A quiet intensity
Settles like the dark cloak of night.
Time slows,
And the world stands still.

I should be moving on, letting go,
But all I know
Is that I miss you.

Almost made it to the state line.
I was headed your way
To give you a piece of my mind
Because I've got a whole hell of a lot to say.

I wanted to tell you
How much it hurt
When I finally knew
That all my hopes were shattered.

I wanted to scream
So very many things
About the pain I've endured
And the losses incurred.

I wanted you to feel
The shame and loss and guilt
I think should be forcing you to kneel
And beg for forgiveness.

But then I passed the sign
That changed Central to Mountain time,
And I realized I can't change your mind,
And the words on my lips died.

So turned my car around
And drove the 6 hours back to town
And home.

And when I'd relayed
What I had attempted today
To a couple of friends
I knew this was the start of the end

Of me giving you
Another thought,
Another chance,
Another moment of my time,
Another place in my life.

Do you know what they said
When I finished my story?
"Thank you for turning around.
Thank you for coming home."

And they're right, you know.
I am finally home.

Today I sat down to write a note
That turned into a novel
That morphed into a saga
That grew into a multi volume series,
And I finally lifted my pen mid word,
Done with it but
Not done.

Today I sat down to pen a single feeling,
But it metastasized into
A whirling, swirling ball of
Confused and jumbled emotions,
And I stopped mid metaphor,
Done with it but
Not done.

Today I sat down to be simple,
But I soon realized
Nothing is ever simple
Or easy,
Or single faceted,
Or straightforward,
And I halted mid thought,
Done with it but
Not done.

Today I think I'm going to step away,
And not put pen to paper for another day.
For I think, for now, I am done.

The flashback burns
My retinas
Until even with my eyes open
All I see is the grusome scene
I thought I'd left far behind me.
The panic sets in,
And my leg begins to bounce
Up and down
Under the table
As I try to hide the sudden onset
Of heart-stopping panic.
I should have known though
That no matter how infinitesimal
The change in my moods,
You are the most sensitive barometer.
Your eyes glance at me
And I know if I don't look up,
The piercing stare full of concern
Will bore a hole in my skull.
So I glance up into eyes
I never asked for,
Never deserved,
Never knew I needed in my life.
Your eyes hold no questions but one,
"Are you ok?"
Your eyes hold no promises but one,
"I'm not going anywhere."
I don't say a word,
Yet you know,
And so
I'm enveloped in a bear hug.
My heart slows its manic staccato beat.
My breath resumes its almost even rythm.
And I feel the broken pieces of me
Begin to fuse themselves together again.
When you release me,
The warmth lingers in my bones
As an injection of time-delayed
Antibiotics to ward off
The aftereffects of the flashback.
And for the first time in a long time,
I know I'm loved.
And Love is the greatest balm of all.
With Love
Every wound will heal,
Every pain will disappear,
Every scar will fade away,
Every bitterness will become sweet.
Love conquers all.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And my heart skips a beat.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And my apple-cheeks redden.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And all my fears disappear.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And I know that's all I want too.

You say,
"You should let me love you."

I must confess
I'm broken-hearted, damaged, and
I don't know how...

But when you say,
"You should let me love you."
I'll say,
"Ok."

Today is my birthday,
And unsurprisingly
I haven't yet heard from my family.
I texted my twin
Late last night and early this morning,
But my texts have gone unanswered.
I miss her.
I miss all of them.
I was a fool of a child,
Writing all those stories
In which I'd leave them
And start over somewhere
Completely new
With people who didn't know my past
Or care.
All I wanted as a kid
Was to have a different family,
But now all I want is mine back.
It all went so very wrong,
And I don't know if I can fix it.
I don't know if it's even fixable.
I doubt that it is.
So all I'm left with are the memories.
It hurts, you know, to be left.
I think I always knew it would,
So I dreamed of doing the leaving,
But I loved them
And some part of me couldn't leave.
So I stayed
Until they had one by one left me.
I know it wasn't easy for them to stay.
Just because we're family
Doesn't mean that we're required
To stay in each other's lives.
But I chose to stay,
And it hurts
That they didn't choose the same.
I guess I should do what they have done:
Form a new family
With the people I want to be around
And who want to be around me.
But all I want is them.

I want to feel their arms wrap around me
In a great big hug.
I want to share
In their triumphs and successes;
I want to cry with them
In their failures and sorrows.
I want to laugh with them
The bellyaching, deep-chested guffaw.
I want to fall asleep
Knowing they are near.
I want to reach out and hold their hand,
And look down to see the skin
So similar in tone.
I want to eat a meal with them.
I want to hear the sound
Of our voices melded in harmony
Sing together.
But most of all,
I want to enfold them in my arms
And say, "I love you with all my heart."
And have them say it back or "Me too."
I want to know
They are safe and happy and healthy.
I want to soothe their fears and anxieties
With a hot cup of tea
And a good laugh or cry.
But most of all,
I want to look into their eyes,
To say nothing,
Just to gaze again at the depths there.
I want to stand with them
Through everything they face,
Shoulder their burdens,
Put a smile in their eyes.
But most of all,
I want us to say,
I love you.
I love you too.
I love you four.
I love you infinity.
I love you more.
I want them to know love--
Unconditional, freely-given,
Unyielding and unwavering love.
And I want them to see
They're my family,
And that I will love them.
*Always.

I can see it if I close my eyes.
I can hear and smell and feel it too.
The scent of strong-brewed coffee,
As you so love,
Wafting up from tightly clenched matching mugs
As the hardback Adirondack chairs
Gently support our not-quite-awake frames
Seated on the eastern porch
In front of the green meadow
Hemmed with forest in the distance
As that darkest hue
Of midnight blackish-blue
Begins to lighten ever so slightly
Before the onslaught
Of the brilliant fiery sunbeams.

*A new day has dawned.

When I was a kid
It was so easy
To get lost
In the depths
Of my overactive imagination.
I dreamed up worlds
Of saturated colors
In arching storylines
With characters I knew better
Than I knew myself.
They were my escape.
There were "Kristen" and "Melanie",
The sisters who loved unconditionally
In a southern style home
Transplanted to the landscape
Of the Pacific Northwest.
There were "Tadgh" and "Samantha"
Who wrote melodic masterpieces
To match the turbulent serenity
That threatened to pull them apart
With every corner turn in life.
There were so many others
That I poured my time into,
Creating a universe
I so desperately wanted
To permanently live in.
Though I was their creator,
Their molder and former,
I was also a mere visitor,
Just pressing my nose against the glass.

Now sometimes I wonder
Whatever became of those characters.
Did their stories turn into the fairytales
Everyone hiddenly desires for themselves?
Did they wind up finding love
And family and happiness and peace?
Did they struggle and fail and lose at life?

Some say I could go back,
Find the threads of their unfinished tales.
But that isn't possible.
It isn't possible because I've grown up,
And the door in the back of the wardrobe
Has become a flat panel of wood.
And I'm left with my nose
Pressed up against the glass of memory.

I keep looking back over my shoulder
Waiting for someone to call out
But there's only silence.

I keep looking back over my shoulder
Wondering when the other shoe will drop
But there's only silence.

I keep looking back over my shoulder
As if the next time there'll be a different view
But there's no change.

I keep looking back over my shoulder
Because I keep hoping to catch a glimpse
Of hope for my future in my past.

But my scars have healed.
It's only my finger tips
That can feel the memory of the pain.

If only I could keep looking forward,
I'd see my footsteps leading my way
From the darkened alleys of the past
To the brightly lit highways of the future.

It's time to drop the hope to find hope
Somewhere behind me
And just live

Without looking back over my shoulder.

That's the real hope.

I would that you could see
The twinkle of the stars above
As the wind sweeps through the trees
In a night warmed by summer.

I would that you could hear
The crinkling, crackling bonfire
That burns in a wildflower-filled field
As the crickets sing their own song.

I would that you could taste
The sweet strawberry wine
I left to age for days, just for this night,
In a brown flip-top bottle.

I would that you could do
So many things like these,
For that would mean
You were still here with me.

That would mean I hadn't stood
Alone on that hill in the Northwest
In the bone-chilling ache of winter
Watching them lower you down.

That would mean I haven't lost
Days, weeks, months, and years,
To the sepia-toned fading memories
Stored away in a lockbox in my mind.

That would mean
*So many things to me.