tuck me under his salty seas -
a blanket tidal wave
let me wash upon his fleshly beach
to venture and misbehave

pull me just below his surface -
his mirrored tide pools
to submerge into his inky trenches
and lead me to the vestibule

guide me along his furrow -
his scars and phantom pains
then let him create in me his burrow -
his tender hiding place

They say that I’m controlling
You tell me I’m emotional

But I’m really just temperamental
I’m unpredictable

I am Mount Vesuvius
Soon, I will erupt

And I will cover our little city and love
In ash

My feelings simmer below the surface
The ground rumbles beneath your feet

Fire lights the sky
Red turns to gray

Passion and play
Fire and rage

Really, they are all the same
Collectively, each will fade

After the spew of my might, desire, or rage
(Whichever one I’m feeling that day)

The dust will settle
And you will suffocate

Then, I will cover you with a gray blanket
And I will smother you

I took the pictures off the walls
Our memories are in a box

Your shirts and letters sit
And there the dust will settle

I do this before the trip to see you
Knowing our conversation will not end well

I’m caught in the middle of a storm
But tonight, perhaps the stars will show themselves once more

The end of us has been nothing but silence and screaming
Maybe I’m ready for you to leave

If this past year has been a story,
Then we are at the ******

And I am on the edge of my seat
Just waiting to see how this all plays out

Hands limp and bodies warm
Legs intertwined

She sleeps on my side

Dark blue sheets losing my scent
Illuminated by moonlight

She sleeps on my side

Heavy breathing
And arms wrapped tight

She sleeps on my side

His deep voice and lazy bones
Tired eyes

She sleeps on my side

Your intentions confirmed
Our love denied

She sleeps on my side

pitter patter
whispered the rain
the *pitter patter
of my feet

the soothing voice
of rainfall.
my tender song
at night.

crackle crack
shouted the sky
the crackle crack
of my spine

the tendency
to downpour.
my willingness
to break.

purr thrum
hums the drizzle
the purr thrum
of my breath

the gentle
way to fall.
my softness
in sleep.

don't unzip my skirt
if it's merely for my sake
be honest with me

If your mother doesn’t tear us apart
I will

And I’ll do so without realizing it
Until I’ve pushed you far away and out of my reach

I hate hurting you
And I despise that my dislike toward myself is what hurts you most

I want this to be easier
I crave for the two of us to stand in the sun

The warm waves caressing my skin
And your hand in mine

Yet I continue to lurk in the shadows
The darkness is my security blanket

I see you standing with your hand stretched out
Begging me to just grab ahold and leave the secrets behind

But you know that I am afraid
My self-destruction is there when no one else is

You ask me to promise self-preservation
But how can I do so when I’ve failed again and again?

Feet inch closer to me and I shove
With all my might

I won’t let the darkness take you too

Helplessly,
I'm falling
Terrified
Of the fall
Attempting
To enjoy it

Unsure
That I will love again
Actually,
That I will let myself love again
Really,
That I will choose to love again

One minute,
You drive me insane
The next,
I'm a fool
But, darling,
I'm hooked

Blue Swede,
Hooked on a Feeling
Coldplay,
Strawberry Swing
Stay Awake,
Ellie Goulding

Melodies
Connecting our hearts
Verses
Etched into memories
Choruses
Reminding me of you

This piece
Is one large mess
Thoughts
Wandering aimlessly
Continuously
Lost in you

Although,
I'm sure of the fall
Doubtless
In the way I'm feeling
Certain
You will catch me

Sit down at your table for a second visit
I smile without relent
For I know that I am not wanted here
But this is the mask you asked me to wear

Silent, I stand
You have claimed the kitchen as my new home
I scrub each dish until it is sparkling
But the previous chips on each plate are blamed on me

Still, I am not what you want me to be
He tells me to be myself
But, how can I?
When my very nature is considered a crime

I am not submissive; I do not fall under inferiority
I am anything but subservient
Meek
You cannot teach me to shape my personality

It is time for him to choose
Between you two or me
Hopefully one day he will leave
The two of you and cleave to me

From Chicago to Lake Geneva,
I knew it to be true:
I loved you.

It was our spring break
But we weren't at the shore
We were outside your front door.

From your mother's disapproval
To your father's dismay,
I had faith in our mainstay.

It was the scent of your pillowcase
And the warmth of your hands
That solidified my plans

During your parent's time away
The sun chose to break through;
Small specks of dust in your room

It was the curve of your lips
And the promises you made
That gave me away

I was suppressing a confession -
A secret of my own...
Whispered onto your jawbone

My thoughts on the train
Were fully admitted
I, committed

From Lake Geneva to Minneapolis,
I knew it to be true:
I loved you.

He is the bottle of wine.
His quiet words filling me to the brim...
I may spill over.

Cautious are his fingertips;
Feeling like he's never felt before...
Taking his time.

He is the crisp Autumn breeze;
Welcoming the warmth of heavy fabric.
And gone all too soon.

His wit is automatic.
Intelligence and interest: in tune.
Thoughts do not displease.

He is an early Thursday;
Full of smiles and steaming cups...
Enjoying the stillness.

Thick in kindness like syrup;
Oozing with his sticky brilliance...
And I'm stuck, unafraid.

Chest pains
Burning like
Forest
Fires

Spreading to
Tree limbs
Or
Wingspans

The body
Is an easy thing
To burn down,
Grandfather

These tiny
Sparks
Are heightened
Scares

There is
No possible way
To put out
The flames

And I am
Not ready
To gather
The ashes

My heart was all too soft.

So much planning goes into
Events like these

Seating charts and color schemes
Catering and dress sizes
Music and a large centerpiece

Cheers to her!

What am I?
The cake on the table?
The bodies on the dance floor?

Here's to her!

Am I the veil on her head?
The lipstick on your neck?

I was probably just the ice on your car
I was probably just the tiny freckles on your arms

While you take her to bed
And I recall things left unsaid

I'll try to forget everything
Seeing that you don't need me

I bet your hardwood floor
Still supports that shirt.
Your maroon one I wore
After losing my skirt.

Now, your roommate is telling you
To help clean up your place.
Blaring "R.I.P. 2 My Youth".
Searching for what's been misplaced.

The dusty floorboards creak
Under the weight of it all.
It's only been one week
Since intimate nightfall.

You're wearing ***** clothes;
And you can't bear to do laundry.
Because once you start a load,
You'll have to accept the palm trees.

The desert that awaits you,
And the life you're leaving behind.
Telling me that, if we bump into
Each other, we won't be ill-timed.

I bet that maroon shirt is precisely
Where I left it.
Before you decisively
Determined we were unfit.

squawks in air ducts
***** and rustled wings
talons on rafters
screams of shock
a basement door locked
music playing
to inject ignorance

This year has taught me
How to find love
In the spaces between fingers,
In the shadows across faces,
In heated cars,
And in cool sheets.

This year has taught me
How to let love go.
When my second love
Kissed another.
When my almost love
Fled the state.

This year has taught me
How to love myself.
To cherish my laughter lines,
And each bite of food.
To soak in hot water,
And splurge every so often.

This year has taught me
How to hope.
Dickinson reminded me
That “’hope’ is a thing with feathers”.
My middle name is Hope.
Therefore, I will hope once more.

This year has taught me
That much does not last.
Shoulders to lean on are not constant.
Mortal forevers are
Just that:
Mortal.

If I packed all my things
Would you hold my hand again?

If I showed up unannounced
Would you let me in?

If I called in a week
Would you let me hear your voice?

If I bought a plane ticket
Would you allow me the pleasure?

I was beginning to get used
To the thought of you.

But, currently, I'm confused.

Walking through the flames,
Sabotaging your plans,
A smile on your face,
Proud to be a man.

Set the place ablaze
With callused bitter words,
Merry holidays -
Meant to be deferred.

Fed the fire impulsivity -
And hasty decisions.
Left me gasping for stability;
For smokeless oxygen.

Let the flames immerse
What was left of you and I.
Caught up in this curse
Of selfish goodbyes.

"Nothing is constant."
My mother's voice is squeaky yet soothing.
"You're learning a new concept."
Words try their best to move me.

"Afraid of commitment..."
Her ears are blush red at the tips.
"Anyone can work through distance."
My friend places her hands on her hips.

"He came, he saw, he conquered "
My mind replays each scene.
"Perhaps, he was made to wander..."
Curious and nineteen.

"We should stop seeing each other."
His voice distorted through the phone.
"I wasn't ready for a lover."
His disposition now known.

Fear latches onto my mind.
I am afraid,
Afraid of positives.
I cannot come to terms with another life form.

Like mother, like daughter,
I will fall into her footsteps;
You will leave, just as my father;
Tiny eyelashes and fingernails will be the cause.

They will look at me as the one to blame,
For I am the flame and you are water;
Tranquil, you are soothing blue,
But I burn and do not falter.

My feet will swell;
My friends will dwindle;
They will declare me filthy,
Will critique while my fire is kindled...
(Of course, they are perfect... completely). 

Your parents will tell you
It was my fault from the start;
It doesn’t take two,
It only takes one to ***** up her part.

Our flames will grow...
Both of us are full of fury and passion.
Cool water, you know
The fire will engulf my being,
Soon, our flames will show.

The flame will breathe in oxygen -
Blazing before diminishing to cool blue
In my arms, my tiny fire - wailing
I will be amazed – s/he will look just like you.

Afraid to drive north;
Highway leading home.
To my mother's porch,
Food I can't ignore.

This time late last year -
Planning for the flood.
The torrent of tears,
My throat red with blood.

Attempting to hide
My light-headed days.
Mother mortified
Of my dark gray haze.

The carpet soaked through;
Salty tears the cause.
The growth of mildew,
Over my clenched jaws.

Fearful to return
After the downpour.
A second downturn
Leading toward the war.

His fingers poked and prodded,
Sweat stung my bare skin,
Sheets wet and knotted,
Correlation was enough for him.

Having a defined lover,
Meant *** was given,
Clothes weren't to cover,
In the same shoes as fellow women.

Because I was his girlfriend,
My body was his.
Just for the weekend,
Or any day, that is.

I.
My body was made for man’s consumption
For his fondling and pleasure

I am just a moment of bliss
To then be disposed of

My father imparted this to me
When I was young

He locked my ******* cage
He taught me to keep my mouth shut

II.
******* is the only way it works
You strip and love even while it hurts

My first time bestowed this knowledge to me
He got what he wanted and told me to leave

He never apologized
Or made his confession

He blamed it on hormones and loves that didn’t last
But I knew that I could be thrown away – a piece of trash

III.
Men stay for what they’ve always wanted
A body to be used and teased

My second love displayed this to me
And for once, I gave myself freely

I loved him whole-heartedly
He stuck around for good company

He spoke of his reasoning face-to-face
Before becoming a coward and running away

Gowns we never thought we would wear
Caps fit to ruin great hair

Gym floor shoe squeaks
Senior year: complete

Stuck between a friend and a ****
Watching the hands on the drowsy clock

Receiving a paper and a handshake
Twelve years too late

Cap in hand and smiles all around
My hat took flight, only to kiss the ground

But my timing was off
My clouded thoughts

Fuzzy and murky due to
A simple "I love you"

For the boy who waited
Seven years to say it

Know that I won't forget you

The sun is dull.
Its absence depleting.

Exhausted,
Yet up all night.

Numb to the rain.
Desensitized showers.

Pained,
Yet without feeling.

Spices are flavorless.
Tastebuds waning.

Hungry,
But always full.

Eyelids are heavy.
Yet never resting.

Blank,
And tainted gray.

I’m asking for confidence
Something that I know is truth, completely
I strive to be more than competent
During this time of hardship and scrutiny

I want to be the best, yes of course
Students deserve a well-informed instructor
But math is a subject in which I can’t preform
Unless I receive help from you, Lord

I can see where the testing is important
Every state has a standard to uphold
But one score deciding my fate is pure torment
Especially when details of the results are untold

But for now I will draw near to the Throne of Grace
And search for wisdom from the All-Knowing One
There I will find the confidence and knowledge to ace
My exam, knowing the work will pay off in the long run

Thoughts concerning you
Have been absent

You were a brief moment
In what once was

I told you to come back...
And you have

But I am not sure
Why you're here

You may have made
My knees weak

Your delicate touch
May linger still

We might have made plans
To sneak away for a weekend

But those short-lived weeks
Haven't haunted me

I don't know
Why you're here

And I'm not sure
You know either

I left my favorite band tee
At his house

Unsure of why I brought it
In the first place

It touched his wood floors
Early in the evening

I didn't let one drop
Go to waste

I wore his maroon shirt
To bed that night

Woke to his soft hands
Around my waist

Steam and vapor fogged
The mirror

He smoked his e-cig while
I showered

I watched coffee brew
While he watched me

I left my favorite band tee
On his floor

Coming to a realization
Months afterward

My shampoo sits in
His cupboard

I left my favorite band tee
On his floor

Bottles upon bottles of liquor
Sour liquor
You know each one by heart
Just like every customer

They swish and sway
Most curse and complain
The older men are creepy, really
The younger ask you out on dates

(Most) of the younger men will treat you right
Learning new details of their lives
Over a 6-pack
Wait until tomorrow – they’ll be back

Watch the shelves empty themselves
Just like the customers
One Bacardi here and a Captain Morgan there
For every bottle, there’s a secret to share

Close the store up
Withdrawals and window banging
If you unlock the doors
They won’t pay you in money

Wipe the dirt and gossip off the floor
We have more secrets than we did before
Lock them all up in the safe
Before they’re shown daylight the next day

I am stuck;
Even in a world of "body positivity".
Continue to be lost
In my nit-picky ways.

Overcritical of
The "beautiful" rolls of my belly.
Picking at
The "lovely" flesh of my thighs.

Recovery should
Be a walk in the park.
The walk where I
Stop and smell the roses.

But it's a tiptoe
Through my every fear.

A crinkled face...
At every turn.
A piercing voice...
Invading my thoughts.

I might have
Put on the weight.
But I don't believe
Much has changed.

tiptoe around
be gentle with me
abnormal sound:
whispering unforcefully

handle with care
only skin and bones
percieved snare
is merely tender prone

**** me softly -
fingertip caress
turning fondly
to your saintly silhouette

I'm told to remember
The silence and the screaming

His fickle ways
My begging and pleading

The end
Was detrimental

My tenderness
Hung out to dry

Yet I can't help but miss
The delicacy

Sit and reminisce
On the highest highs

You are the question
I will never get the answer to

Asking myself "why?"
Only to come up empty-handed

come as you are
flesh: scarred
pure tenderness
skin charred,
adrenaline

let down your guard
tongue tied
isolation
justified
stagnation

for your eyes only
difficult
vulnerability
reciprocal
fragility

I am too emotionally drained
To write a poem that rhymes

I am sick of being a part of your waiting game
We are worth more than your procrastinated time

Oh, look, I rhymed without trying
I suppose I had it within me all along

Defy, and stop them from attempting to divide
Please destroy all preconceived notions and odds

They tell me I will feel differently
Eventually, hearing your voice won't
Feel like a necessity

Locking eyes from across the room
Assuming this is all a dream, waiting
To awake so my life may resume

Telling myself to stop crying
Trying to shove it all down, praying
It only leaks out through my rhyming

He's been wearing white
For the past few months
Trying to prove
That he is blameless

I like to think there's
A cast on his knee
Because he prayed for
Forgiveness... and me

I'm sure there's a frown
Painted on his face
Due to the lack of
What we used to be

Karma's out to knock
Him off of his throne
No sympathy when
He comes crashing down

hands shaking.
woke up
jilted

mind drifting.
dreaming about
you

trouble separating
rem from
reality

he's beckoning
for gentle
touches

yet im filtering
your entirety

straining
your existence

out of
dream-state

asking myself
for the source
of infliction

finding it
in an
expression

I'm sure of the strength in your arms
I'm familiar with their harsh words
Their daggers sent to cause me harm
All of our "dreams deferred"

I know of every freckle on your face
I've seen many of their disgusted looks
But we've obtained our own pace
There's no need to go by the books

You know, you really are my best friend
You're the only one I don't get sick of
Your jumbled words are mine to comprehend
Even when you don't believe they're enough

Creating noise
out of silence.
Itchy ignorance
and fine lines.

Pretended poise.
Parental guidance:
Your deliverance.
Trying times.

firmly grip
fragile wrists
stare down
hips round
visiting
during sleep
lean against
unimpressed

turn luke-warm
then conform
searching for
short skirts
intending hurt
a nightshirt
pillowcase
suffocate

find a host
become engrossed
twisting limbs
lights dimmed
shedding skin
forgetting sin
unchaste
aftertaste

I tried to collect those moments
Like I collected sunsets.
Trying to save them in the mason jars
Of my mind.

The upward curve of his lips;
Pink clouds.

Eyelashes on my cheek;
Deep purple hues.

Those seemingly perfect seconds
Here and gone again.
His brightest colors; my favorite flashes
Shown in a instant.

Tender touches;
Vivid orange.

Soft exhales;
Pale blue.

I remember pieces of his sunset;
Snapshots of mine.
Perched in jars on my window sill...
Absent of time.

Falling in love with a stranger is painless
Effortless to adore their smile

It is simple to wish the very best,
For wanting nothing more but their happiness

He is my stranger
But we weren't this distant before

I continue to cherish his smile
Fall again for those soft eyes

He was my lover -
Hands warm and lips warmer

Presently, we are each other's ghosts
Haunting the halls

Disturbing my memories
Troubling his thoughts

I am in love with a stranger
But not any ordinary outsider

He was my best friend
My ghost knows me better than I know myself

Loving a stranger is undemanding
But difficult when that stranger is also your ghost

Ignore the size of the portion
This is healthy
Ignorance is bliss

Cut and slice
Count the pieces the knife and fork create
Slip into old routine

Eat one cookie... eat five
Who cares?
You're this shape already

Turn the shower on twice a day
Watch it all wash down the drain
Hate the way you adore the acidic burn

Count the numbers
You're not wiz at college algebra
But you can count the calories, pounds, and body mass

Watch the flab vanish into sweat
Run for two hours a day
Do crunches until your innards explode

Faint in the shower
Forget what time of day it is
Sleep is now nonexistent due to hunger

Ward off the war within your belly
Empty is clean
Pain is beauty

Your teeth are rotting
From the lies about your meal plan
And your citric stomach

Compare yourself to all of them
Observe the way they enjoy it
They love the freedom of cuisine

Your mouth is watering
It's a good thing food cannot travel
Through a television screen

Cry at family gatherings and holidays
Your mother's eyes glaring across the table
While you wish you could vacate the skin you're in

Uncertainty is your best friend at this point
Indecisiveness and hatred are nothing out of the ordinary
Your mere thoughts are a whirlwind

And there's nothing romantic about it

I’ve worn your shirt for two days
I can't bring myself to take it off

It carries your scent
Reminding me of long nights tangled up with you

You hated the way the fabric clung to your body
Yet I loved how it hugged your broad shoulders

You loved to see it on me
And adored how the hem reached my knees

We exchanged that shirt
Back and forth, and back and forth

On your back during the day
And wrapped around my body at night

Enveloped in your bare arms and chest, asleep
With your shirt as my nightwear

Now, I sleep alone

But I continue to spend lazy days and sleepless nights
In your red t-shirt

Recovery is painful
But my mother’s words are like daggers in my chest

Her dietary verses sound all too familiar
She looks at my body as if it were trash

We view my physique the same way, really
I’m either sick or complete flab

I feel myself slipping into old routine
(Although the scale says nothing different)

I feel her fingers rubbing against my wounds
During my daily weigh-in

It’s difficult to love the skin I’m in
When my mother frowns at a larger pair of pants

I did the math and realized I’m forty pounds above my lightest
I’m sure my mother wouldn’t care if I reached that weight again

Not even in the slightest

There was a war inside my head
While I slept for twenty-four hours

I am great at isolation
And pretending short comas are standard

Actually, I was playing hide-and-seek
In hope of you finding me

I was playing pretend
Stuck inside a world of make-believe

These waves of swift uncertainty
Come crashing down in a few dark seconds

But it takes days for the waters
To reach previous tranquility

My roommate's questions are artificial
They "care" because they must

They know I get lost in a thick haze
More often than most

Opening the door to my bedroom
Is like entering the gates of hell

So, they stay as far away from me as possible
And allow me to sleep the heaviness off

He comes back in flashes
Like mistakes I never made

I come across pictures
I tried to forget

Snapshots in the windy city
Cabs and train stations

I forgot that we wrote our initials
On a pizzeria bench

Forgot that your hands
Felt like a limb of my own

You felt just as essential
As an eye or a lung

I've been blocking out memories
Thoughts of what used to be

You took me to see my favorite band
Stood next to me while I cried

Put your arm around me
As they played their last piece

Remember when we were
Hundreds of miles apart?

You would fall asleep
During our videochat

But you didn't know that I
Would stay awake

Just to hear your heavy breath
Just to watch you sleep

I soaked in those moments
Tender like the flesh on your back

My mind has been trying
To block out

How it felt to sleep
Next to you

But I remember
Oh, I remember

I cannot forget.
I don't think I ever will.

You packed my things
While I was still in your t-shirt.

Boxed our tentative plans
With your hand still on my knee.

Piled up your empty promises
While your scent lingered on my skin.

Silently drove me home
Only to arrive elsewhere.

I began to worry when we didn’t speak
For quite some time

Because I realized
I would not know of your pain or any serious injury

And I would be left in the midst of a cruel mystery
Because your family would fail to inform me

Social media would be my next reference
I would scroll and scroll mercilessly

But come up with nothing
Due to the fact that your siblings and I aren’t even friends

Calling your father’s business, he would be too busy
To bother picking up the phone

Your mother would wave the thought off
After all, I didn’t suit you at all

Somehow, I would see that I’m the one to blame
That I could have done more  

Because after all, I was yours

Wisconsin’s area code is etched into the side of my heart
And communication means a whole lot to me

I call and call to make sure you haven’t fallen apart
Your caramel skin is tough, I know

But it is also thin
Thin, like your favorite t-shirt

I’m afraid of miscommunication

I’m terrified of tragic situations

And that I’m the next thing you’ll outgrow