Recovery is painful
But my mother’s words are like daggers in my chest

Her dietary verses sound all too familiar
She looks at my body as if it were trash

We view my physique the same way, really
I’m either sick or complete flab

I feel myself slipping into old routine
(Although the scale says nothing different)

I feel her fingers rubbing against my wounds
During my daily weigh-in

It’s difficult to love the skin I’m in
When my mother frowns at a larger pair of pants

I did the math and realized I’m forty pounds above my lightest
I’m sure my mother wouldn’t care if I reached that weight again

Not even in the slightest

Tragedies catch me
When I least expect them.

Coming for me,
Leading to the slaughter.

The length of your hands
Reflects the disaster.

You led me with smiles
And slippery palms.

Calloused, indifferent,
Due to the toil,

Repeating the process
Once again.

He comes back in flashes
Like mistakes I never made

I come across pictures
I tried to forget

Snapshots in the windy city
Cabs and train stations

I forgot that we wrote our initials
On a pizzeria bench

Forgot that your hands
Felt like a limb of my own

You felt just as essential
As an eye or a lung

I've been blocking out memories
Thoughts of what used to be

You took me to see my favorite band
Stood next to me while I cried

Put your arm around me
As they played their last piece

Remember when we were
Hundreds of miles apart?

You would fall asleep
During our videochat

But you didn't know that I
Would stay awake

Just to hear your heavy breath
Just to watch you sleep

I soaked in those moments
Tender like the flesh on your back

My mind has been trying
To block out

How it felt to sleep
Next to you

But I remember
Oh, I remember

I cannot forget.
I don't think I ever will.

My ghost is back
And his soft brown eyes
Are here to stay

Walking the halls
With him once more
Leaves me glancing over my shoulder

He watched me sleep
Last night
I awoke to his caramel skin

He shaved his ghostly face
He now looks like the man
I fell in love with

His coarse hairs
Are everywhere
I cannot rid of them

I'm cleaning the sink
And airing out my room
His ghostly scent won't fade

I've washed my sheets
A thousand times
Yet his arms continue to envelop me

He glances at me
From corners of the room
One look pierces me

His eyes...
I cannot forget them
It is impossible to forget them.

There was something mischievous about
The ways of a lost boy

He was interesting and stubborn
Full of curiosity

His hair was constantly disheveled
Eyes changed with his surroundings

He was wildly lost
Yet no one dared to question him

I met him while I was adrift
Roaming through the city streets

He knew his way through the alleys
Led me and let me stay the night

His place was wild like him
Ivy crawled up the siding

But he knew how to treat a girl
Woke me with coffee and cream

This lost boy held my hand
As I made my own path

We were untamed together
Even while our time was short

He taught me the art of being lost
He showed me beauty in chaos

This lost boy was lost in the world
But I was lost in him

Why do I allow you to break me?
You're already long gone

Is there nothing else to do?
Twisted, how you love to hurt me

Kissed your knuckles
Before you "caressed" my cheek

Cleaned your knife
Previous to my inflicted wound

It hurts to hold on
But I'm having a hard time letting go

I'll need to sever my hands
And watch the maroon flow

Meant to be admired:
A new realization.
Destined for desire,
And mild fixation.

Perceive me as a treasure;
A fortune worth the toil,
A journey with grave measures,
A noble or a royal.

Make me a priority;
Send your love first-class.
Entrust me with the authority
To make this last.

Sew time and effort together,
Attach the mesh to me.
Become opposite of the weather;
Become unchanging.

You're the evergreen beside my house
Standing tall and sure
Neither bending nor bowing
As the storm passes through

You're the first rain during a drought
Your streams reassure
Crystal water allowing
The old to change to new

You're the early morning sunlight
Peeking through the sheets
Turning skies from dark to light
Shaking the world of sleep

You're the quiet of the night
Steadfast and distinct
Whispering to me despite
The others fast asleep

I realized we were temporary
When he explained to me
That intimacy
Took on one form: *****

It was more pleasing
To call me obscenities
Referring to me romantically
Felt "unnatural" and "dissatisfying"

To him, I was a fantasy
A tangible painting
But I knew he was momentary
Our fix was temporary

she holds my hand,
and whispers at my reflection,
then hollows out
my insides

Nothing new
My first poem is being published
And it's about you

Not a fresh word to write
You continue to sleep in Indiana
And I'm here every night

My stanzas are dry
It's hard to write about heartbreak
Without the terror in sight

My rhymes come up short
The sound of your voice is slipping my mind
While it used to be what I couldn't ignore

Nothing's new, I swear
These last two years have passed sufficiently
Without you to bend me into squares

You told me that your secondary pillow takes my place
And I would love for you to hold me that close

Place my head against your heart
Let me fall asleep to the sure thump of your heartbeat

Ease is spread across your face
There isn’t a war behind those caramel eyelids

You’ve been calm and easy-going since the day I met you
My world is off balance when you’re not here

I am a deep abyss
And above the surface, I am surrounded by hurricane winds

But you are a wide-open field
Sun above and grass below

Weigh my boldness against your quiet tongue
Intertwine our hands so tenderheartedness and fire mesh

Fall asleep next to me
So that the mattress is lumpless

While fire consumes my skin
Your tranquil waters will put the flames out

You're like an orange in the summer;
Brightest amongst the other fruits.
Ripe and ready;
Heavy with juice.

Leave my mother for a life without bassinets
Walk out while attempting to cover your tracks

I have lived my existence without knowing
You may be absent, but your mark is exposing

Irish blood courses through your veins
In mine, the green, white, and orange do the same

The emerald in my eyes does not come from my mother’s side
It appeared from yours, along with my pigmentation – pearly white

Still, I know not the sound of your voice
I have not seen you in person or in print; though it is not my choice

Do I want to picture the man who departed because of my conception?
The man who saw my existence as more than a bump in the road (and the belly)?

Father, you are not worthy of my imagination
But, you are the undesirable inspiration

In disappearing, you left me with an unwanted impression
You are not suitable enough for this poetic expression

You are the salt and I am the sea
And I cannot separated you from me

As I said before,
Men love me for my body

They adore the soft curves
And the pink of my lips

The arch of my back
The sweetness between my hips

My ex-lover treasured me for
My tender touch

His fingers were tiny flames
Burning to the third-degree

A new man came around
Begging and pleading

He requested the pleasure I hold
Shaking limbs and muffled moans

But I know he didn't want me
He desired the pleasure

He craved my body

There is a voicemail
Saved on my cellphone

Sixteen seconds
Of what used to be

I reach for your voice
When I cannot sleep

I press repeat, repeat, repeat
Reliving brief moments

A part of me thinks
You've saved my voice

That you reach for me
Like your arms did previously

But in your eyes, there is no one lovelier than she
Two bodies intertwine beneath your sheets

You're making memories
While I'm reliving

Moments of when you loved me

I let him hold my heart in his hands
Hoping he would be gentle

I prayed he wouldn't leave me
Like the others before him

He was promising
His hands sheltered my beating muscle

His fingers were a ribcage
Palms - a protective skin

But the commitment wasn't enough
And he dropped my ****** vessels

He stole the pericardium away
And left me with an infection

He dangled his theft in front of me
He watched me try to mask the pain

Knowing he took the protective layer away

My mother taught me
How to clean clothes
How to iron
How to fold

She showed me
How to clean the stains

I wish she would have
Showed me
How to take away
The stains made by you

The rips
The tears
The scars
And the blemishes made

In my memory
All because of you

Go ahead
Pretend

Please, act like
I was never a part of your life

Ignore my existence
What is the difference?

Disregard the broken promises
Prove my hypothesis

Neglect my presence
Because there's bliss within
Ignorance

Come on, calm me down
Because you’re the only one who knows how
Keep things quiet; keep things honest; keep things true
Keep me believing in love, and in me, and in you

It’s a pity that bad habits are the hardest ones to break
Our love is a dangerous game
One that I’m certainly losing
But cannot walk away