Trying so hard
Keeping quiet for so long
Now
Deciding
To take a stand

Once branded so dully
So boring
So common and bland

Now
I stand with pride
For I have made a change
My title

Now
A new name
A new calling card
What a wonder it is!
What joy it brings!
For now, I have chosen!

A name of curious origin
Simple, so not to be forgotten
Similar to a bird
The Blue Jay
A beautiful creature

So
Like the bird
I will no longer think of myself as dull
I will be wonderful!
Jay

Of course
Self-doubt shall always be at hand
Yet
I shall have a name to have pride for
A name I have chosen

- Jay M
August 28th, 2019

Seas of mystery
Forests of the unknown
Visions of uncertainty
The veil between reality
And the ill-perceived has grown thin
Thin like a teenagers bubblegum
Thin like a sheet of paper
Thin like delicate mist

What lies beyond,
What comes next,
What happens now?
Came to such a point,
A point of no return,
But where could any
Possibly return to?
Where was the beginning,
Is there even an ending?

Questions, boundless
As the stars shimmering above
Answers left blank, empty
Souls left hollow,
Mere shadows of their former selves
What could be left after the fall?

Glimpse into a single ray
A beam of light through
Dark and stormy clouds
Clouds full of rain, full of dust
Full of accumulated pollutants
All to come crashing down
Towards the broken earth
Eager for a single tainted drop.

- Jay M
June 30th, 2022

Being so small
So quiet, keeping to myself
Not sure enough to put my hand up
Not asking for help
Not using the notes
Not speaking up
Not focusing on one thing at a time
Not turning in assignments
Not taking proper care of myself
Not eating three full meals a day
Not making much of myself
Just barely scraping by

But there's a lot I've got to say
To a little someone
To little me
Because there's just so much
That I just won't tell me
From this path, I've gone astray
I would say these next words to anyone
Hold them up so that they could touch
The sky and then the stars;

You've got to be sure of your answers
You've got to ask for help when you need it
You've got to use the notes
You've got to speak up
You've got to take it one step at a time
You've got to turn things in
You've got to take care of you too
You've got to eat enough
You've got to make what you can of yourself
Not just scraping by

Be sure of yourself
Don't just be a book on the shelf

Ask for help when you need it
Don't let yourself fall too far
Let them know who you are

Use the notes
They're there for you
So go and do
As best as you can do
And see how great you can be

Speak up
Shout it loud
Let them know who you want to be
Don't be like little me
Be what you can be

Take it one step at a time
Not twenty and rhyme
One step at a time
One day at a time

Turn in what you've got done
Don't hold yourself back, ***

Take care of you
Don't let your body turn blue
Do what you gotta do
And just do you

Eat enough
Because you are enough
Don't take it out on your body
Even if you just want to be a hottie

Make what you can of yourself
Don't be a blank canvas sitting on the shelf
Go get that degree
Go fight for your love
Go fight for your life

Don't just scrape by
Or life will just pass you by.

- Jay M
February 6th, 2020

Dreaming of pleasantries
But when the waking hour arrives
All turns to a nightmare
As I sit and wonder
How any of this is fair

Each day I fight
I wonder if everything'll be alright
In the end
I still want to be more than your friend

For now
I'll make it through somehow
Staying up all night
I'll do my part to try and make things right

As I sit here
I sometimes fear
That my dear
Won't come back
But no matter - I'll stay on track
Remain hopeful
Dare I say wishful
For all to be well
And life to be swell.

- Jay M
March 11th, 2020

Is this it,
Could it be?
Could it be?
What is this
Bubbling, laughing
Giddy as can be?
Oh dear, what's this?

A friend,
A friend!
What a funny thing,
My friend!
Oh wait,
What's this?

Kind, so kind!
Oh the words to find
They're reeling in my head
And oh my,
What's this?

Smiles everywhere
Reassurance gentle and fair
Soft, poofy hair,
Crows flying in the air,
Come join the fun!
What's this?

- Jay M
April 26th, 2022

Single words
Sound in time
All hooks, not a line to spare
Gone to tangle

Covers and blankets
Shelter us, shelter us
Envelope us in warmth
Only truth,
All illusion left behind
Wiped away as dirt from our shoes

Why do some,
Strange and twisted folk
Made of webs long spun
Get so much love?
Why do they,
Cruel and cunning,
Cloaked, clothed in deception,
Get love undeserved?

They take, rip and tear,
All that which they are given
Tuck away those flies,
Wrapped in sticky lies,
Glitter in the morning light,
Cobwebs in the night,
Hold our secrets
Hold the empty shell
As my memory fades from view
Fingerprints on a mirror.

- February 7th, 2023

Jagged edges,
Walls of thorns
Broken glass
Mere fragments,
Glimpse only fragments

Part the way
Past shattered dreams
Acknowledged, perhaps a question
Not to pry, only wonder

Gentle hands,
Call forth, all is well,
Come and be well,
Rest, not a thing to fear
Simply be, simply stay
And tremble no more.

- February 7th, 2023

Corrosive, corrupting
Tainted to the core
Unbeknownst to himself

Poisoned wine,
He offers, he pours
Whiskey in a bottle
Ablaze in unseen flames
Over a bed of glass
Broken and shattered
Blood boils and burns

Fester in a mind
Linger, spread like cancer
Pain beneath the skin
Seep into the bones
Down into the marrow
Quietly, silently
Enticed to decay.

- Jay M
January 31st, 2023

Dark, cold yet content
Slipping into a scene
So real and near
Close to the heart

Standing on a doorstep
Dark and drear
Enter here
Little dear

Authority talks
A long awaited exchange of words
Much needed, cooled and focused
Run along, small one
Go, see that which you have been without

Turn through a corridor
Off-white walls
To an opening
Doorway so dark and unsure
Within a familiar voice
A laugh from long ago

"A dream come true"

Out comes the angel
Glancing into that glittering green
A moment before shock
Embrace for at long last
In each others grasp

Feathers wrap around a shivering torso
Hold the fighter
Pulled in tighter
For nothing could pull us apart again

Taking a seat
Side by side, like old times
Pressing buttons and laughing
Victory and defeat

Then, a moment all is spun
Moving unnaturally
Held, told all is well
Embrace, then a moment
Of sweet roses

Over and held
White feathers around
As time crawls by
A comforting scent
Lingerings as I listen
To the heartbeat of an angel

Sweet is the sound
Of his every word
Comforting is the feel
Of his arm around my shoulders
Familiar and lingering is his scent
Heart melting is the only way
To describe the sound of his laughter
And gripping heartache
Is to describe waking up
Half expecting it all to be real
To awaken beside the angel
Only to awaken alone
Cold once again.

- Jay M
October 27th, 2020

Seated beside a dim lit window,
Rain patters steadily
As a young woman pondered
Thoughts so curious as
The rain fell to her window

"Would you rather,"
The young woman began to ask,
To wonder aloud,
"feel only pain, or only feel love?"

"You cannot feel love
Without pain,"
Replied a voice,
Soft yet worn,
Scarcely above a whisper,
"so it is an impossible question to answer."

The woman simply raised her eyebrows
A fine response indeed,
"I suppose so."
She ponders for a moment,
"But," she asks,
"must there always be pain with love?"
Before a response can be given,
An added thought escapes her lips,
"And can there be love in pain?"

A pause, a moment to contemplate,
Then, once assured, a response;
"There mustn't always be pain in love,
Nor must there always be love in pain."
Another pause, a sigh,
"But, whenever I was in love,
I always wound up in pain of sorts.
It is rather difficult to place into words,
harder to explain than
One would have someone believe."
The voice elaborated,
Remaining ever unseen
Perhaps a voice of the mind,
Nevermore for her to find.

- Jay M
April 20th, 2022

Long ago
I recall
Standing up tall
Pulling myself up
Then falling down
Crying, wailing in pain
Thundering footsteps come
Later
Taken away
Then all is just gone
Lost from memory

Eventually
Strapping on the heavy boot
Black fabric
Velcro straps
Comfortable, despite the injury
Then came crutches
Smiling despite my pain
Showing I am not prey

Months of waiting
Slowed down
Pressing questions
Too much fuss over something so small
Leave me;
Go care for thy self

"A little more time will do you good."
Never in any extra second was it
The torture 'twas
Unable to do much of anything
Merely there
Observing everything
Another world away
Muzzle in a book

At last, the day came
Freedom once again!
Just awaiting the moment
To run into the wilderness

- Jay M
April 17th, 2019

Awaiting the moment
When all shall be well
The roaring quieted
The monster caged
Silenced for a time
Of peace

Security of the ones you love
Protect them with your life
And all you have
Give onto them

Give them shelter
Give them warmth
Give them food
Give them water
Give them hope

Be with them in their darkest hours
In their moments of weakness
Keep them strong
Build them up
And never let them go

- Jay M
June 8th, 2019

Unbeknownst to you
How little you are aware
Of a brave little soul
One that does dare
Live in each day
Sometimes as if it were
Their very last
Other times
They forget, and drone
But still, sometimes,
As they sit and think
They imagine it were
Their final day,
A final dawn just for them
The sunset, never more beautiful
Birdsong, never more sweet
A meal, never more difficult to decide
All things of the past, simply...
Are just that, and the future
Is a mere blur, something
That cannot be attained
So there is an acceptance
A quiet "knowing"
Deeper breaths, longer hugs
Those are far warmer
Than the closing cold
That shall surely come
One day, one day
But that is not this day,
No, it is not today,
But if such were true,
Then let it be,
Let it simply be.

- Jay M
June 6th, 2022

Running circles around my head,
Remembering books and poems I read,
Why do they appeal to me so?
Why do I understand them,
Just as though they, too, were my own?

Running circles around my head.
Whispering thoughts,
Drip, drop, the poison won't stop,
It's killing me, taking over,
White light fades,
Turn away,
Feathers slowly turn grey, then black,
A cursed child indeed.

Times once peaceful,
Now torn asunder,
Come from the darkness,
They say,
Alas, such is too great a challenge,
Something so vast should not be left all to one such as myself,
One so measly as myself.

Living like a ghost,
I fear that spiders have crawled inside and made themselves a home,
Within this heart where light once roamed,
Now ‘tis where the lonely ones roam,
These wits are no home,
They are but a lonesome graveyard,
Filled with the skeletons of memories,
Old lives, perhaps,
All to be buried in the past,
Nevermore to arise.

If they truly cared,
Then prove it.
Give me a reason,
One good reason I should keep running,
Running this doomed race,
Of which is bound to cut to the end soon enough.

No matter how much I run,
No matter how much I change,
It’s still me underneath,
I still show through,
Never to escape it,
For someday, the day it has waited for for so long,
Shall come to pass,
The fate once foretold long ago,
Finally stops unfolded.

But what shall come after the storm is over?
That is up to the ones left standing,
To those who remember me fondly,
If such is possible,
Dear friends of mine,
Tell me, do you really care?

Through times of sorrow,
I can weep no longer.
Through dense woods,
I can run no longer.
Though my spirit lingers;
Whispering to those who understand,
To those who know what it’s like.


- Jay M
December 19th, 2018

Through all of these days,
Seemingly eternities,
I cannot help but cut the strings,
Binding my voice,
Unseen, yet always there,
Now gone, only for a little while,
Before they come again,
Silencing me once more.

Thoughts tend to cloud my mind,
Making me unable to see clearly,
Driving away all I love so dearly,
Nevermore to see me the same,
I suppose I am to blame,
Then again; wasn’t I always?
Never letting anything go,
Maybe I should let you know,
That maybe one of these days,
I should let go,
Jump from the edge,
Let everything fall away,
As I one day shall.

Shall I dare do such a deed?
I know not now,
Not in this day,
Nor this moment,
Alas, one day I shall choose,
Am I to win,
Or am I to lose it all?

Why, why must I be tormented so?
Cast out to the outside,
Never to be the way I once was,
The person I once was,
Now only an empty shell,
Barely a fragment of a soul left,
Flickering, dimming,
Shall I ever see the dawn again?

What comes next,
We always wonder,
When our lives are torn asunder,
Shattered to pieces,
Just like the glasses we all are,
Simple, yet utterly complex,
None shall understand,
None but those like us,
The ones that no one remembers,
The ones that tried so hard,
But nobody cared,
Or noticed at all.

They only care once it’s too late,
Once the trigger has been pulled,
Once we slipped away into the night,
Once the pain was finally seen,
Blind, but now vision clear,
To the dark reality before them,
The grim scene they helped to created,
All brought out in a flash,
In a crack, or in a trembling motion,
Maybe in the rivers of crimson,
Pooling just under their feet,
Or the corpse dragged out from the bottom of a lake,
Now poison to the mind,
Tainting that ignorant soul,
Displaying true pain,
The unacceptable truth.

- Jay M
October 15th, 2018

How she cries, cries, cries
Hurt from the thoughts
Ricocheting in her weary mind
Battling the horrible, stabbing lies
Possibilities consume, catastrophize
Falling, crashing, raining thoughts
Loud like an echo chamber
Flooded by ocean waves
Leaking faucet, open the hatch
Floodgates are open,
Floodgates are open wide

Oh dear, doesn't wanna be a burden
Hides her feelings, her inner storm
Her stomach growls, ******* in knots
Empty it begs, knowing nothing to follow
Guilt can be a giver, but never to self
This she can always remember

How to escape the hurricane
She desperately searches
Free from the horrid torrent

- Jay M
March 24th, 2022

Birds fly peacefully overhead,
'How can this be?'
You ask in your head,
'When we have done so,
So much to her?'
The breeze is gentle,
The grass soft below,
Unlike what you drag in tow,
Oh, what a pity,
You go along anyway,
Ripping it up,
Destruction unfolds,
Nothing left to hold,
For you took it all away,
Stripped the land of all it is,
The apocalypse that is this race,
These creatures of horror,
The human race.

- Jay M
January 23rd, 2019

Hello, how are you?
Kind stranger, kind friend
Gentle smile, talks worthwhile
Just here and there,
Somehow you find
Just the right time
Spur of the moment
Folds and smiles
Spin as I go

You’ve got this,
Oh sweet reassurance
Lift up the spirits
Dance in the rain
Sing in the rays of light
Speak with me,
Gentle stranger, kind friend
Speak with me,
Open the door
Open the window
Open into the beauty

Whispering breeze
Gentle swaying grass
Dewdrops glisten
Secret worlds of wonder
Reflect across puddles of water
Reflect in your wisdom
Vibrance of a compassionate soul
Visage calm, delicate gateways of peace
Effervescent luminescence
Warmth, inviting embrace
All is well, all is well

- Jay M
January 5th, 2023

Dance with me
To the call of the moon
To the beckon of the wind
To the sway of the breeze
To the beat of our hearts

Dance with me
To the flow of river streams
To the falling of the rain
To the tumbling of leaves
To the shuddering of tree branches
To the whims of the mind

Dance with me
Together we shall see
All that which surrounds
May influence humanity
The cacophony of sounds
Trace along the lines of the mad
And strangeness of sanity
The marriage of realities
The conjunction of thoughts
Blended to unfathomable perfection

A balance more delicate than petals
Of a dried, wilted flower
Yet still full of life
Full of pigment

When it lives,
None then lament
For even if its destination is clear
A fate set in stone
It is never expected
Until the final breath
Is wearily drawn.

- Jay M
March 15th, 2022

Standing alone in the rain,
Waiting, waiting,
For you...

Standing alone in the rain,
Can you feel my pain?
The heart ache, the sorrow,
There is more to follow,
Please, let me be your Apollo,
Let me take the pain for you...

I see your new happiness,
Smiling, laughing,
A sense of joy fills you,
Relief washes over me,
then knocks me down,
It was another,
Depression; my parasite.

- Jay M
?/??/????

Delicate descent
Silent lament
Bright flower,
Embraced by the sun
Turned to smile
Colorful delight

Soil unkind
Coarse, smothered and choked
Hold the hue, maintain
Remain entrapped
Butterflies flutter past
Glide in glee
Yet the flower,
It rots, soon to fall
Faded and dry.

- Jay M
January 31st, 2023

Strong arms embrace
My shivering torso
Held in safety
Ever real and true

Eyes of yours,
Fields of grass
Softest moss
Leaves of life
A forest I view
One could be lost forever there

Hands of yours
Strong and secure
Callused yet tender
Holding my own

Scent so alluring
It puts me at ease
Peaceful the closer I get
Enchant me, darling.

- Jay M
November 3rd, 2022

Wonderful
That's what you are
So beautiful.
A bright, shining star
I see you in the night sky
What I say is no lie

Smile,
Ocean blue
Greater than the vastness
Enveloping me

Take me, O night,
Star shining bright
Be my light
In the darkness

- Jay M
September 23rd, 2019

Memories flash before my eyes,
Days of long ago I wish not to remember,
Why do they plague me so?
I know not why,
For I dare not wonder,
It may just take control,
Never letting you go,
Release unseen,
Lost forever in the abyss,
Never to resurface.

- Jay M
March of 2019

Listening to the beat
Tap tap tapping along
Here I stay
Sewing, entranced
Captured here
In this moment
Of temporary peace

For her
I make a blanket

Black, grey,
Bits of green and pink
Checkered and given a soft edge

Love it, she will
Then
Maybe I could teach her
Be the older sister I ought to be

Show her what is real
When she's lost her way again
I'll show her how to feel
When she can't feel anything
Guide her through the seas of shadows

Run away
Is all she wants to do
But
Save her, I shall

Show her what it's all worth fighting for
Teach her what is safe

- Jay M
??/?/????

The times past won’t come back,
But it doesn’t mean they can’t be replayed,
Redone in the present,
Over and over,
Right before our very eyes,
Terrors arisen once more,
Surfacing long drowned out fears,
Emotions once thought forgotten,
Stronger than ever,
Forevermore lingering in our minds,
For ‘tis far too late,
The damage is done,
Price long overdue,
Now paid in pain.

Inside of our heads,
I’ll take it on,
Face it head on,
Shelter you from your demons,
Tearing me apart,
The way they wished to do you,
Tainting my soul,
Not yours,
Safely tucked away,
Barely tapped by the talons of theirs,
Of your demons,
Battling with not one,
But two warriors.

This pain is right beneath my skin,
Forced down, brought back up in times of shadow,
Fake it, the smiles and happiness,
All for my safety,
Keeping me within the confines of a normal life,
Unforeseen by all but me,
Alas, there are even some sorrows I am blind to.
Bring me to life,
For I am falling inside,
Left without love,
Kept in the dark,
Now to open my eyes to everything,
Living a lie,
Hardly anything left inside,
Driven by false pride,
Fabricated alliances,
Betrayal is in the air,
Only the true remain,
Vision clouded with fear,
Could they ever hear my screams,
Telling of my bewailment,
Residing deep within my soul,
All that is left, for that matter.

- Jay M
October 23rd, 2018

Fighting sleep
These memories I wish to keep
Whilst the battle rages
I step onto the stages
Into these changes
Chased by the sun
Wake up
Stay up
Sleep is never to remain for long

My footprint
Small, so strange
Fingerprint
So odd
Standing out among them
Yet hidden away

Take me, oh wonder
Take me, oh marvel
Into the land of possibility
Where the imagination roams free
And all is possible.

- Jay M
June 3rd, 2019

When we first spoke,
I felt something click,
As though I had known thee in another time,
Alas, I could not recall it,
For my memory is a maze,
Of which I have no map,
And am lost in myself,
There is far more I wish to say,
Alas, my words are still too little.

How I wish I could explain it all to thee,
But it is all built up to a great complexity,
One I may understand, but not for a time,
‘Tis a thing left for ‘morrow,
Indeed, a thing left for tomorrow.

In the days that come,
It is of my highest hopes that we may become friends,
Although that is not up to just me,
But also to thee,
Of which I have only known for a day,
Later there may be things I should keep at bay,
‘Tis a matter for later,
Not in this time,
Of which is so precious.

In time, would I be a valued friend?
No, I dare not think of the future,
For I wish it to be a mystery still,
Not something I can plan at will,
Within the time I may spare,
I will be left in wonder,
Of what to say to thee,
Oh, what ever to say to you?

- Jay M
September 4th, 2018

A pale face in the moonlight
Eyes filled with dull starlight
A dreary trance in the moon's beam
Or so it would seem

Her long, silky brown hair
Flowing in the night breeze without a care
Bringing about scents of lavender fields
This yields
Memories of wonderful things
Which once gave her wings
Of which are now broken
Words unspoken

Still as a statue
Colors faded of their hue
Her eyes occasionally blink
Those soft cheeks no longer rosy and pink
The slow blink of those earthy eyes
Internalizing the agonizing cries

Said eyes are clouded
Poor mind crowded
Holding a burden only she could bear
How could this be fair?
Withholding her memories
Internal; singing broken melodies

Soft pale skin
Arms rather thin
Glowing softly with the moon's kiss
Things are amiss
Making her figure wraithlike
Some things look alike
If she were such, a beauty she'd be;

Not a blemish on her face
Some hairs out of place
But perfectly so
A simple flow
Skin as soft as silk
Her dress white as milk
Soft, elegant, flowing white
Almost bright
In the crisp nights breeze

Simple, is the dress,
Going to her ankles, not to stress
Over tripping on the smooth fabric
But still there's something wrong - almost sick
The sleeves just past her forearm
There is no cause for alarm

Then, a single tear begins to form
Against her cold cheeks it's almost warm
It rolls down her cheek
She did not once speak
It stopped at her chin
Before leaving her skin
Gently dropping to the ground
Making hardly a sound
As it crashed, splashing tiny beads
At her feet, which then leads
To a great deal more
Down they pour
Her face breaks emotion
As she crumbles to the ground
Not to be found

Seated, legs to the side
No longer can she hide
What she feels inside
Just going for the ride
With the rivers of tears
Letting go of her fears
From all those years
As it all appears
Finally coming forth after all this time
After such a long climb
This isn't a crime
Enough with the rhyme
It's a battle-cry
Showing how much she did try
How much she had to lie
How much she wanted to curl up and die
But not then, not now
She'll make it through somehow
She swore a vow
To be herself
Not to let that sit on a shelf
Sick and tired of being a delp
She will stand up for herself

Just as she always should
When she thought she never could
It's time to shine
That light of thine
That broadcasts your signal
Fire your words like bullets in a pistol.

- Jay M
March 5th, 2020

Underneath the skin,
Burrowing into the flesh,
Carving itself a home,
Wrapping up around the heart,
Coiled around the brain,
Relentlessly, slowly, squeezing,
My demons, my devils,
My...counterparts.

Sinking in since the beginning,
Put in,
Made the creature of horror I am,
Tainting all around me...

Sleepless for a week,
Unable to stop lowering my eyes,
Saying goodbye,
Trying, and failing,
Then the cold times arise....

Thrown down,
Pulled apart,
Unable to make the past disappear,
Never quite being enough...

Running in the dark,
Sitting in the cover,
Watching the rain fall,
Peaceful, contently,
Only a memory...

Made a wraith,
Walked right through,
Falling down,
Unable to resurface...

- Jay M
April 3rd, 2019

A cry in the night
A shriek in the fight
Blood-chilling
Hoping it wasn't blood spilling

That was just a time
It was supposed to be a happy time
But they weren't up for that red and green
Things turned mean
Behind closed doors
Hiding on carpeted floors

Then the second time
A shriek again
Small sounds
A heart did fall
Behind closed doors
Hiding on carpeted floors

People talk
Stalk about the house
Not quite a home
Never would one have ever thought
That sort of thing could be
Plea that all will be well
Yet, can that ever be?

Plans made
Agreements and bans
Gather what you can
No longer shall it be
Then what?
Stop it if possible,
Or just drop
Thoughts of secrets
How many can we keep?
Then take it
Every last bit
And put it on the page.

- Jay M
March 24th, 2020

I see the sky
Oh how it is blue
Reflecting the majority
The mass below it
Stretching far and wide
The ocean

- Jay M
June 21st, 2019

Concealed behind walls of white
Hidden from a world of possibility
Trapped within
Looking out at the wonderful world
Filled with color and light
Whilst I remain hidden behind walls
Looking out through windows
At the world I crave to rejoin
Recovering from my falls
Internal and external
In my head, seated under willows
Emotions and events conjoin
Pacing those plain halls
Jotting my thoughts in a journal
Then shredding them to bits
Taking part in wordless skits
Giving those who love me quite a fright

Apologizing for my mistakes
So many retakes
Replaying that day
Over and over
Imprinted in my brain
There it shall stay
A mental takeover
Red stain
On a white cloth
Eaten away by a silent moth

Crying rivers
In the rain
Crashing down around me
Soothing my shivers
Running down the drain
It leaves me be
For a moment
To arise once more
To be my internal torment
My reflection in the window

How could I forget
The thing I most regret
Nightmare made reality
Never a sense of security
Gripping in the dark
Leaving a mark
In my mind
To remind me what I need to find;
Peace of mind
Through the window.

- Jay M
December 17th, 2019