The seething disturbance
The heart shaking kind
Has eased on my fragile soul
And plague inflicted mind

You know the reason why?
Time doesn't want to talk,
Yet god's rays cometh back come spring
Just because amongst the living you walk

Your heart is still under siege
How much longer can those walls hold?
You must know the road alone is long
How many more will you break as you grow old?

All those who approach your throne
Could never hope to realise
What that beautiful, stupid mind thinks
Behind those beautiful, empire felling eyes

None of this is your fault, nobody should
Cry because of something one can't control
Sending you down a spiral, you never thought
Would go beyond even the deepest hole

I could never hate you, although I want to
Everyone is the hero of their own story
Nobody can blame another for seeing differently
I've learned a lot, even the thing I needed, humility

Perfect and broken, unfortunate
Qualities that attract more war
Even I couldn't resist the battle call, sadly
You can't hope to see beyond my selfish bore

Maybe through this loyalty to yourself
That your candle is still lit
Even if a life as hectic as the ocean
Is striving to extinguish it

But a calm body of water, the frequency
Of that all healing, riveting smile
Perhaps a piece of my demise
Sure enough, gave you another mile

Cannot tell you how sorry I am for all this
If you want to, keep this in your memory
Know that I felt some minute solace,
Thinking at least for now you are "happy"

Am i blind? What is this? Why have the gods forsaken me? Wait, I see a light. Within the light I see only dark. Where am I? I wake. Thousands of shivers run down my spine as I rise up towards the source. I am alone. The light seems to be moving, does it want me to follow it? The ground beneath me is soft, almost sand like. I follow the light, why is it so dark?
It seems like hours have passed, but time is irrelevant in the eternal darkness, it seems. Even the source is dark, only less dark than it's surroundings. I tire. I reach toward the heavens in prayer, for that is all I have left. No answer. The light beckons. Millions of thoughts run through my mind. Am I dead? Is this limbo? Or purgatory? I shake. I do not even remember who I am. How did I get here? Weird, I don't feel like I'm dead. I still feel pain in my legs and my body from my journey. I pinch myself, what sort of horrible nightmare is this? The pinch hurts. I am sweating. Wake up! I shout, as I bang my head against my hands. It's no use. The only comfort I have, is the presence of this entity, that for some reason is leading me into what seems like oblivion. I become more and more weary of it, yet I'm drawn to it. It is my only hope. But first I must rest. Both my body and mind. Feels like most of the journey is ahead of me. I can't give up. Not now. I fear I will be consumed. It's as if something is watching me, I can almost hear it's breathing. The incessent silence feels louder and louder. It hurts no longer.

Dissapating clarity
An invoiced heartache
A handpicked flower, lost
To gullible hypocracy

Dreary, windy, however bright
Mute songbirds terrified
Of the silence after the storm
They have wings, why do they fear height?

The life ending natural cause
Who you thought would give warmth
Left your eyes hungry for more,
For just a little bit more applause

The benefit of circumstance
Keep the leaves hanging on
Wanting to fall, needing to fall
They will learn the meaning of distance

The bird is just a stone's throw away
I don't have a stone.
The bird flew astray
Now I'm all alone.

I hear a cry
The distance is great inbetween.
Still it might be worth a try
A better throw I've never seen.

Where it went I still don't know
Was it the one that cried?
Where it came from, down below?
It lay just as I lied.

One dead bird, it wasn't me
There is no longer a distant bellow.
The greatest throw you'll ever see
There is no longer a distant hollow.

The outcome you feared
The liquidity of choice
Another of your kingdoms
Sat under rattling bones

Soaking transmission
Coming from the mountains
Give what light is left
To slightly fill the fountains

Dried up by everything
Made clear by those who explore
That it's really not worth it
To stick around and implore

Life here has no beginning
Life here has no end
Just those vocal chords singing:
"There's only sand.
There's only sand.
There's only sand."

Pick your visits proudly
But don't you dare turn cowardly
Accept your faith lightly
Then you won't wither so loudly

These ghosts are neccessary
You wouldn't want them anywhere
Outside your mind chanting:
"There's no point, is there?
There's no point, is there?
There's no point, is there?"

Forced as the walls of past
Built upon foundations of dread
Antennas reaching for air
To at least entertain the dead

Remember when you were happy
Even if for a couple of weeks
It might never come back
My mind and my heart shrieks

Only when I'm not myself
Do I feel accepted
Only when I'm somewhere else
Do I not feel neglected

The diseased sees no cure
The end I might never reach
One day my heart might be pure
Stop this, this incessant screech

Long have I climbed
But the way upwards is bent
One thing I have is Time
On these steps of Torment

I am tempted to leave it
To give up again
Once and for all
But I find I can't

I made an oath to myself
To finish what I started
To challenge my feelings
But I am left thwarted

I wish I saw her side
All the mistakes I've made
Could I have prolonged it?
The inevitable, premade

I was always going to fail
But this ******* glimmer of hope
The good old learning experience
Has left me at the end of a rope

It's not even over for god's sake
The glimmer's still there
Only very dimm
Why can't I not care?

I have to see her every day
This is not my choice
I only wish to help in the end
But the indifference in her voice
Makes me have to pretend to understand

But I can't, I won't
Will I never?
No telling if it is worth it
Still, this can't last forever
Can it?

Painful bliss, Blissful Pain
Is my present, my drain
Now I feel only rain
But from dead, dry earth
What has anyone to gain?

Several days went by uneventful
Every once in a while she isn't resentful
I cannot find an explanation,
A motive for her motivation

Mysterious, as she is,
There's something behind the scenes
But why is there no consistency?
How is she lonely so casually?

She baffles me, unreprihansible
The only one to me, unreadable
There must be a reason why,
She doesn't try and she doesn't cry

She encloses herself, a princess of ice
Yet when she's herself, she flies
Something is definitely holding her back,
I wonder if one day, she might crack

Negative one,
I am cold and I ask of you
What are all the ways,
That you keep yourself abused?
I have seen the scars,
of the one who was left behind
I have seen them fall,
In this bloodstained mind of mine

I have seen the spark,
The spark of a thousand flames
How do you find ways,
To never feel any shame?
I have felt the loss,
of the one who had many names
I have heard the chimes,
The echoes of my remains

I tell myself, stop looking at others
And look at the positives of yourself
Subconscious jealousy is what bothers
And I fail to see the positives of my existence, even if they are there
My mind brushes it all off
I know it could be worse, it's just not my fault
I feel ignored even if I don't speak much
Even when I do, they laugh and listen
And even the hugs at the end, that fill me with warmth
Leave my soul empty afterwards hungry for more
For a sustained lifeforce, that lets me be myself
And flourish amidst the success of mediocrity
And loss of value even in those who are not just people enjoying life, but also enjoying what they got
It's not learnable I tried and I cried
And I cried And I cried And I cried
Leave me alone, let me be happy
please don't leave me, oh precious sanity

This endless cycle of ups
This endless cycle of downs
Once it breaks you out of these cuffs
Only to realise, you're the only one that drowns

You sense movement in your tearducts
From time to time, it shocks as it's warm
Meaning to let you down with waves of floods
Overwhelming you, before you resort to harm

Letting your eyes cough once more
Eroding the sandman's architecture
Which of them was left by which sore?
You ask while once again you lose all texture

So the vicious cycle can begin again
Building up to another main event
Over and over and over, my friend
Just when the **** will this ******* end

Seemingly calming now, I thought
The sun looks to be shining on this lord of cinder
But I need to find another siren to float
The next will drag me down in a different manner
But if it goes as far as to hold me,
I don't think it will matter

I'm cold, can you help me?
Give me another chance to flee
To see this wasn't all for no reason
Tell me this knowledge will elevate me
Otherwise fall might be my favorite season

The fact of the matter is I'm lost. The dense infinite sea has all the power over me. I go where the wind takes me. There is life all around me, yet I'm all alone. I had people back home, but all of them stayed as I set sail into the mist. I'm cold. The only comfort I have is, that I will inevetably come across some sort of land, somewhere I can take refuge, somewhere I feel safe and warm. Warmth. It's all I need right now.
I write to let my mind express itself and to keep my sanity. Of which I have not a lot left. Had I any to begin with? Why must I suffer. Why must anyone? I don't know if suffering together with someone would ease the pain, or would it simply multiply it. Only time will tell. I hope, I think.
Not knowing is manditory.
That is all I have left.
Soon i might know.
If only because of some miracle, the promiseland finds me.
The bottle, the one I set out into the emptiness, hoping it will find the one I sent it to, and return her to me.
I might never know. Know that feeling.
I might never feel again. Im starting to lose it.
I never learned how to sail.
Thought it comes naturally. I could, but it is keeping me from it. This. This one, that is both a blessing and a curse. The one, who promised me the confession will reach it's goal. How will it know the goal, when even I don't? Empty promises. Just like they promised to help me.
What did I expect