People tend to see me that I am complete, happy and fulfilled. But, do they really know the depths within me? I am sure, they don't know. My heart is deeply wounded, scarred and will be inflicted again with the same wound. It's a never ending cycle. A loop that needs a good escape...

Filled the void with so many things but all these are superficial. You will see photos, videos of me telling everyone that, "Hey, I am OKAY". No, I am not. My soul is screaming... Wanting to be heard but all you hear is pure silence. You just don't know how it feels to be trapped. I don't feel like I should be here...

When I was a kid, I never thought and never ever dreamed of living this kind of life. It's hollow, deep, vacuity shall I say. And now, my existence here on earth is merely a decorative. It feels like I am just surviving but NOT anymore living.

Amidst all these, I just need a single of ray of light like we all believe that the sun will rise. I still believe in LOVE even when I CANNOT FEEL IT.

From the very first day that we met, I knew you were the one for me. We were engaged for a very short period of time. We got married right at an instant just like a fast-paced bullet, a speedy train and in a most unprecedented way.

You were there all the time to hear me out, you were there to hear all the pains that I had in the past and made sure that these are just specks in life that can be fixed with you beside me.

We've made it through the years and fought to keep each other strong. We were able to overcome obstacles that only by God’s grace we have survived. God has given us the greatest gift in life and blessed us with 2-little angels. You allowed me to pick a name for them (Kirsten and Aamira).

Yes, I admit it was too difficult for me to utter these 3-magical words "I-LOVE-YOU". But God knows, every second of every minute never did I fail to show it to you in a manner that only you understood. As they say, "Actions speak louder than words".
Last year, 2016 had been a roller-coaster of emotion. And I thought, that would be the dreadest year that I would have. I even remembered you asking me to get back to the real me as you can't go on with LIFE without me. With a great 'hurrah', we were able to surpass this 'bump'.

Here's comes the new year, 2017 full of hopes, telling each other that this would be the greatest year that we "could" have in our marriage. I was even too ignorant to book a flight but been asking my friends to help me. But, these were all useless, worthless, pointless....

I didn't know that you were sick; it all happened so fast. Death has climbed in through our windows. My Dearest Darling. I am not as strong as I thought I was. Since you have been gone, I sit and cry all night long. But, I know you're in a better place. Though, I may no longer be able to see your face I know you're smiling down there, cheering on me and telling me that everything's okay.
No Goodbyes just ‘SEE YOU SOON’…

Do you think life is fair?
Sometimes, I would think it's not.
I am aware that things happen for a reason.
But still, grasping its true meaning remains a mystery.
At times, I'd feel everything is okay but I know it's not.

I only have one simple wish and that's for me to gain back what I've lost.
I don't need all the riches that the world can offer, the fame that I am enjoying.
Because, these are all superficial and temporary.
I want what's pure, genuine and that will last.

I missed that feeling of being secured. That, your whole self is aware that you're being taken care of.
That, I don't even have to be reminded with words because your heart can actually tell.

If only, it never occurred once in my life.
If only, it never happened in the past.
Definitely, I won't be questioning and won't be begging to bring back the missing piece.

I guess, I'll just have to take a spin.
Cry if I need to and laugh to forget the pain.

We're literally two worlds apart but that doesn't stop me nor you to be distant with each other. We have so many options but we chose to stay. You could have blocked me or I may have blocked you. But, we never allowed that to happen.

We've been through a lot. We shared different stories in our lives but it all boils down to one thing, we're both in PAIN. We were beset by many difficulties in life and had suffered so much.

We both grieve differently and I must say grieving never stops. On that note, I should be and will always be grateful that God has allowed your presence to walk through my path. Could this be by chance? Or, could this by kismet? We never know.

And what most people don't understand, you stood up. Often times, you see me crying. You saw me when I was heartbroken. And, I am aware that I once broke your heart too. I want to say "SORRY" but that's not enough. As the song goes, "There You'll Be". You've always been there: when I laugh, when I am crazy, when I think I am beautiful, when I think I am ugly, and above all you stayed when I was at the worst moments in my life.

It brings music to my ears when you said once that with my presence, you find solace. Trust me, it will always be that way. And, if I should ever write my life story, surely I'd allot a space for you.

My dearest friend, together we will find a place where there's happiness and that happiness will burn down the PAIN.

People come into your life not for some reason but with a valid reason. They knock at our door always at the right time, never late, never early.

Some stay for a while, others may leave and then, they'd come back. You enjoyed every moment while they were still visible to your eye, audible to your ear and tangible by your touch.

Along the way, they made you laugh, made you cry, and may even hurt you. But, don't point fingers at them, don't blame them nor even desert them. Just keep mum and embrace the scar as a lesson learnt.

When it's time to say goodbye to these people, never hold back. Not everyone will make it to your future. Some are fitted to pass through to teach you lessons in life.


Should the day come and they realized your worth, that person they left behind may never be that same person again. And, that's for certainty.


I shed a tear today not just because I lost a friend. But, it is hurtful knowing that you were true to yourself as a friend. And, that you didn't actually lose a friend, but you just woke up and realized you NEVER had ONE.

I have been contemplating for days now or even more.
I even seek for answers from you but all I got was nothing.
I don't blame you for that. You're just being you.
I have reached to the point that I secretly ask for you to stop reaching me out.
And, I blatantly ask for a cool off, a break, a space but you refused.


There's one thing that I am sure of, I don't want to make arguments with you.
Though, the quest lives on and it's getting arduous.
At times, I'd end up crying and felt hopeless.
And, I feel like I'm being subjugated by this quest.
I prayed so hard each day and even ask for a sign that could shed light to all this.


Just this day, an unexpected realization sunk in to my mind.
At first, I thought that I just fell out of love. Subconsciously, my mind was fighting over it.
This what actually prevails, "SELFLESS LOVE".
Often times, you would hear me asking for you to message me in the morning, at noon, at night.
Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't.
But, it's all fair.

I said, "I LOVE YOU" and your consistent response was, "As it should".
Again, it is still fair.
I'm not being sarcastic here. But, I truly understand what you are trying to imply.
You are just expressing your thoughts and what your heart is actually telling you.

I have realized that at this point, you don't love me in the same way that I do.
Though, I know that you truly care about me in which I am very grateful for.
And, it would be very unfair for you to do things that you're not comfortable with.
It is always good to let things flow naturally not forcibly.

You would still hear me saying, 'I love you' and asking for you to message me but it's not something that you are oblige to do.
It's just me trying to be sweet? to be cute? (I don't know how you would take it)
I perfectly understand what "SELFLESS LOVE" is.
I don't worry about the outcome or whether I am giving more.
All I know is that I love you wholeheartedly and I don't expect something from you in return.
..."To love selflessly, makes me feel good and whatever I'm getting, it's always the right amount."

Spontaneity is too rare to happen if you're talking to a complete stranger.
Though, your heart can easily read and understand the person's individuality.

When I met you, my mind dictates that he isn't the one.
But, my heart fights for it, whispering lines that you wanted to hear, feeding your mind with the right emotion.

It brings so much joy and profound happiness knowing that we're able to keep the conversation going no matter how the topics get.
When I'm with you, hours feel like seconds. It just slips by unknowingly.

Amidst all these, there's just one thing that I want to ask from you.
Please be serious about me.
It's too early to say this but I see you as someone whom I can be with until I get old.
And, I assure you, there's not a thing that I hide from you.

Thank you for coming into my life. For allowing me to be silly, to be loud, to be like a child.
Above all, I thank you for allowing God to be in the center as to what we have now.

As they say, 'Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are".

We all want to live a happy and peaceful life but life is full of uncertainty. We always want things to happen as to how we design it but for some reason, an unexplainable force is trying to meddle causing us to sometimes detour.  We all live an enigmatic life, enthralling and at times, frustrating.

Like most ordinary people, I want to be happy too but I don't take full control over it. I've once read a quote from one of the coffee shops. They posted this on the wall saying, 'We're all given a paddle to propel and steer". But, the question is for how long should I be holding that paddle for me to stay on track. I am hurting and will always be. If there's someone up there who'd be able to grant my heart's wish, please hear me. All of my wishes failed, but I ask God to grant me HAPPINESS.


To all of the people along the way who hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me and broke my heart. DON'T WORRY, I don't hate you at all. In fact, I am always thankful that we crossed paths because you helped me to become a better person.


I want to be wild, beautiful and free just like the ocean.

You are my greatest fear, my greatest challenge.
Though I know, it shouldn't be this way.
You are so good in playing hard to get.
On that note, you taught me one good lesson.
Not to trust, not to fall and learn to detach.

When you left, I have mastered the art of bouncing back, the art of loving oneself and the art of accepting the things for what they are.

I became strong but still forgiving.
I've been through a lot without your presence.
I continue to hold my torch way up high so others may see and to be a light to another's path.

Now, you're back. Sad truth, same feelings came back.
I guess, this feelings never went away.
You gave me back the sweetest smile that I never witnessed before.
A smile that crushes my heart from within that you can literally feel that it's melting.

You are a busy man but you now gave me that special attention. You even managed to act like a kid. I know, I am the one who's to be blamed. But, don't you know it makes you more handsome... more attractive and more of an ordinary man...

We're two worlds apart but for now, I am happy and contented as to what we both can share.