Concealed by disregard.
Informal obligations of stagnant occurrences.
Intelligence of no use, no form, no will to inform.
Disastrous conclusions, assumptions, judgements.
Sleeping and sleepless.
Longing for more.
Yet, the will has been killed.

Lying wide awake, questioning the defences I hold onto like a loose thread of potent forces.
Exacted to not be exact.
The mind is busy, the body is not.
The soul is in hibernation, the eyes flicker and flip like a thousand broken light bulbs.
I intend on not grabbing, not fighting, and not limiting.
Limitless in a world of limited.
How do I get out?

I want to...
Stop thinking.
Switch my mind off.
My senseless thoughts, consumed by thoughts of him.
I don't know if we're good for each other...
I don't think I care.
I miss him, I want to see him again.
This connection, it's strange.
I have no concord on what to think about it.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Thinking about all the red flags.
Thinking about what might happen.
Fears, worries, anxieties.
Bad memories from the past creeping in.
"What if he ends up doing those same things to me"
What if my past pops up in the form of him.
What if he hurts me.
I'm scared.
Should I ghost him and never talk to him again?
Complexities reaching higher levels.
My minds not at ease.
Stop, please.

Deeply ridden, ached by the tension.
As the wind blows so elegantly, shifting in dimensional proximity, I feel the yearnings and pull of what is lost and what it is I need.
Fantasizing until my imagination is knotted in the loophole.
I hit a gentle fall, a wave of melancholic nostalgia.
My words have slowly puzzled itself.
I cannot seem to express what is really ******* inside.
My depth is no longer to be heard or seen.
The bright light hits my eyes, burning at the glare.
I write in senseless disposition.
Trying to reposition.
Sexually repressed.
Wanting the intimacy and craving *** like my nerves have exploded.
But my heart, it stops me.
My mind, it controls me.
My yearning of what I truly want Disciplines my desires.
Contradictions at stake.
My earth is about to quake.

No, I don't feel good.
I don't feel okay.
A piece of me is missing, empty...
Filling voids with unnecessary pleasure that only bring upon more loneliness, more pain, more isolation.
Searching, waiting for my missing puzzle piece.
Damaged, in clueless vain.
My veins are hot, popping with every nerve, blood vessels integrated in me.
I see I belong nowhere, but to myself, where strings cannot break itself free.
Juxtaposed, alone, lost in hopeless misery.
Will it ever get better?
Will I ever be united?
My soulmate, the one who is made for me.
My other half...
My heart is bleeding.
Cursing its deep love in unwanted toxicities.
Seeking pleasures that can never find me.
I find myself desperate, but not attaching.
Too detached to say the least.
Lost in solitude.
My lonely serpent spirit longing for its other piece.
The sadness of it lingers on...
Forbidding all wonderful desires to my feet.
Helpless and all alone.
My heart yearns, My soul empty.
Where is my missing complex puzzle piece?

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?

Nothing ever matters at the end.
People, they come, they go.
The days and years go faster than they come.
At the end, I was made from dust and ill just go back to that.

I wanna live in a isolated place and write poetry and paint and eat

That's all, forever

That's all I want

They ask what I dream of when I already have it all

Privacy, isolation and space
Living in a beach house
That's all

My thoughts, are just thoughts.
Coming and going as they please.
Fragmented, I am broken down in tease.
Too scared to take the risk.
Not enough money to go out and see people.
Its expensive, just for company.
Locked in my palace of solace and despair.
I surrender to what I am hiding from the world.
Keeping all connections online.
Staying as isolated one can get.
Scared to take the risk.
Put myself out there.
Guarded.

I want to go, escape, fall, bind, jump, and leap.
I want to fall viciously in love, so much so that nobody can take me out of it.
Run through the forest, into my dreams.
Escape this world, and let myself fall to the ground.
I want to feel you, feel it.
I want flowers, and drugs too, designer perfumes, fine clothes and shoes.
I want your presence, your soul, your mind, your spirit.
I want this love ....
I want you

I've been, at a loss for words.
Drowned profusely in my own fears, nightmares, horrors and blockages of my own.
Scared to take the first step, confused and in a state of loss and emptiness.
Scared to put myself out there.
I've been, hateful, judgmental, bitter, spiteful.
I lost motivation.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, with myself.
I've started to hate men to the core and I turned into a bitter self sabotaging demon.
I deleted my online poetry book because I was getting no money for it from my bank, because of currency fees.
I have no idea what to do next once I complete my studies.
I am at a loss for words.
I feel empty, bitter, lonely, and full of misery.
I don't want to see people or leave the house.
I don't want to deal with people.
I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues, it's pointless, it won't change how I feel.
I have a hatred towards people.
Something inside of  me that I cannot control.
My pride, my ego.
It's trying to protect me, keep me safe.
I don't ever want to get hurt again.
I don't ever want to be betrayed again.
Protecting myself so strongly that I don't even have any friends.
Instead, I judge everyone else and beckon everyone to be fake and false.
I am in my own cage, my own feelings, my own darkness.
And I am too scared to get out

I creep upon the shadows that do nothing but follow.
I lift above the ground like the angels, I have found.

A failure to results but a successor in the making, I'm battling through the crowd but somehow I'm still smiling and faking.

Hope, I still carry
Faith, I am not in a hurry
Courage, I am still building
Wisdom, I am still learning

To all that life has to offer, I am just accepting...

Pain; self doubt
Drain; a sad pout
Broken; Fixing myself up
Unspoken; I am learning to let it all out

Selfish and sinful, stubborn and hard to fulfil,
but through the cracks within me, I am trying to focus where I want to be.

Dark and depressive, lost and suppressive, misunderstood and aggressive...

HELP... I call out
Fix me... I shout
Make me fly... I just want to let it out

But unfortunately I fear...
I fear what people may say
I fear things will not go my way
I fear the darkest day
I fear my emotions won't go away.

I have not treated my ghost well
I have kept my  deep secrets hidden
and this left me feeling dark and dull.

I chose Satan because he gave me power, then I saw the light, now it is my god that I pray to every hour.

Invincibility and visibility is what I craved
The feeling made me well behaved
But deep within me I am not well
Sick; strange, and hiding like a shell.

But I need to break the shell...

Your tears, they speak of a million.
Your words, they leave me curious.
Your mind, of such miraculous intellect, I dare to question.

I love your skin and the way you speak.
I love the way your lips move.
The love that is lost, is in you.
I love your voice, releasing my emotions.
I love the thoughts I have of you.
Endlessly fantasizing, where trying to brush it off leaves me dissatisfied and bored.
I love you, near and far.

A twin flame love
We have yet again to meet.
But, the thoughts get toxic, overwhelming and draining.
I want you.
But it's killing me.
Get me out, take me away!
Stop!
It hurts when I blink.
A million lights blow out and all I see is black, all I hear is silence.
Tunnel vision is blurry.
But my thoughts still go back.
To you.
Still as the earth.
The end has come.
A new beginning awaits upon my arrival.
A vast new opening of wishes I waited for my entire life.
I deserve this.
I waited forever, I worked too hard to let it slip away.
I want you now and I want you forever.

My passions and dreams are yet to be explored.
I see myself dancing.
That's all I want to do.
I see myself doing it for the rest of my life.
I feel dead, empty, cold, sad, depressed, and desperate.
Why can't I just be a dancer?
Why can't I just be a performer?
What's stopping me?
That's all I want.
When I dream, I see it.
Stage lights up and all eyes on me.
Expressing everything through my body.
Feelings overwhelming me.
Something is blocking me.
No fancy dance school, just pure talent.
If I can't dance, nothing else in this world ****** matters.
I'd rather die before my time.
**** me now, and let me die.
Or give me the chance to live my dying wish.
Let me dance, let me perform.

And let me love you, in a million different ways.
My hearts desires calling out.
There's only two things that exist in it.
Only two things I want in this hated world.

Sweating myself dry.
Bored, flat out, dissatisfied, discontent, unmotivated, exhausted, fatigue, no will, no strength.
Loneliness is the feeling.
Too detached to stay attached.
Too nihilistic to give a ****** ****.
**** them all.
I am better off alone.

I want my old self back

Where is she?
I feel like I've metamorphed to a cyber super god

Trapped in this human body
I miss my space and privacy

I want it back

I want to write poetry again and just live a normal life away from this world

The pressure, the intensity and the stress

NO BREAKS

NOTHING LEFT

I miss what I used to have.
One can say, I'm not satisfied.
I gained success and I guess I never had that before.
But the other needs are missing.
Ever since I moved to this city, everything changed.
I lost my social life, I haven't been able to make friends here.
I've been lonely.
I've been gaining wealth and financial freedom, but what's it all worth.
I feel like I have nothing, and my guts are draining from my lymphatic system.
I was struggling for 5 years before I made it to this point, at my old city.
The hustle and the bustle never stopped  and I wasn't getting anywhere.
This new city brought me opportunities I never had.
But the people never phased me.
I have no one here.
It's way too slow for me.
I need it fast.
I AM BORED.
CONSTANTLY, WHICH IS LEADING TO NERVE ACHING TENSE DEPRESSION THAT CONSUMES MY SOUL AND LEAVES IT TO RUST.
I'm excited for future , my career is going to take off and I'm going to live the life I want.
But I don't want to be alone.
Aching in misery.
Where is my person?
What is this punishment?
I feel tormented.
Ravished by my own thinking.
To the pits of hell and back.
Where I've died and become reborn, over and over.
Like a scorpion in its cave.
I have it all but its worth nothing.
And I don't want to die here in loneliness just thinking about my last days.

Can I see
Can it be seen
Can I be shown
Can it be grown

Seems so, but not.
Helpless in the midst of the evening.
Disconnection from what it is not necessary.
It is what it is

Stop chasing, it’s in front of you
look

Time is only a metaphor, but what is figurative, stands alone.
Let it be
Only you can see.

*Just look

Emotions are illusive like the monsters one can see. Monsters cannot be seen, so they live inside your head.
Are the monsters really destroying you? Or is it your thoughts whilst alone, lying in bed...
The illusion of life itself can lead to many emotions of ones mind...
Blinds us.
So we feed on the illusion of negativity.
Things happen that make us see the darkness.
Destructive, like a dead body and a ****** mess.
Corruptive...
Yet still I test.

I look around,
I see a sea of faces...
So many faces pretending
To be content with the life they have.
They walk around acting as if marriage and kids is the only source of fulfillment.
I feel a deep wealth of sadness
As the ones without those things
Still continue to progress forward,
While I sit washed away feeling useless.

Useless like a bird without wings...
Numbness is a glimpse.
As the emotions pour into you...
Your soul feels inburdened with dread.
Sins...

Sin isn't something that I believe in,
I believe in enjoying life to the fullest...
Yet I'm always with both knees to the ground.
Wondering if I'll ever be worthy of success,
I mean I'm just an outcast to most eyes that inhabit this planet.
There's not much meaning to my life.

An outcast with a craving for happiness.
So I take the devils side in hopes for success.
Failure is an illusive matter that my dark mind cannot cope with...
I judge myself in misery.
My dark philosophical thoughts rise inside of me...
Blind eyes see the lies...
And when in doubt, I see it too.
My third eye shut down...
My spirituality is all but gone...
I crave the high...
I need the drug in my veins to fight through the **** pain.

But even happiness is forbidden fruit,
An illusion best served as a party favor.

The drug
The high
The confusion
The craving
The withdrawal

The brain feels overwhelmed
The noise creates chaos in my mind
The silence I seek
The alone time I need

The anxiety kicks in
Struggling to breathe...
Overthinking creates an addiction, to the things that cause mind suppression.

My mind is noisy, with thoughts of occurrences that have happened, and some not.
I try not to depress myself, but mistakenly think too far in the future, then get disappointed because expectations have not been reached.
Busy, distracted, chaotic, and unfocused.

I reach no end to where my mind goes...
A path of little thoughts that creates an explosion and downfall.

I crave the drugs to give my mind a rest.
To give it a sense of peacefulness...
I have failed lifes tests.

Tense, tight, my mind implodes.
Burn my thoughts and bury them in ashed coal.

Cannot sleep
Cannot close my eyes
Always in a state of overthinking...
Like my brain is constantly blinking

Love, a written spell that is cursed with loss and longing for someone else.
Tenderness, reciprocation, union, everything that exists between two people in purity, belonging.
Emotions overflowing... I feel you, miles apart, I miss you.
It's deeper than love itself...
It's spiritual, it's someone I was with before, many times...
Needing them in my presence.
Tears rolling whilst thinking about him...
Puts this heartache on my spirit.
So synchronized, the iridescence of it is unreal, untouched...
It's depth takes me away from what doesn't matter.
But it's the only thing on my mind and its the only thing I want.
A love so raw, so deep, it is dared to burn the shadows, the fire, and the petty talk.
Completely far away, but once it is mine, once we meet, it will be something of twilight, of eternity...
The burning flame that will never go out.
I love you...
I want you now...
I need you in my arms...
I feel your energy vibrating immensely through my body, its amazing, so amazing I dare not to think about it to that depth because it ripples away at my water streams and takes me away from what needs to be done in my reality.
I need you now, long lost twin flame.
I have not been the same since I met you, and I never will.
I have never felt this with anyone, ever.
I truly desire the magic we can create, the intellectual art that is lost.
I have felt love with others before, I have been hurt before, I have hurt, to be ridden, yet, I met you, and never forgot.
You imprinted on me and this is something that  will last a lifetime and beyond.
I am in love with you, Yolan.
Please come back home...

Trapped in my own dungeon of despair.
My insides have ruptured and my thoughts have exploded.
Looking into a morbid tunnel that leads to deception, pain, lies, betrayal, disloyalty, and distrust.
I bleed profusely ripped open with nothing left but agony rippling through my nerves like my limbs have been removed and hung on the dry lands to be eaten by the rotten humans.

I try to protect what I have, dear to me.
My heart, my soul, my peace.
But those around me only want to take it away.
Like vultures looking for the last drop of something they don't have.
In my deep privacy, they lurk with widened eyes and ***** mouths waiting for the next bomb to explode into fire🔥

Stomach is growling, my voice deepened.
I plunge into rage.
Impulse on ten, not a drop of remorse.
Wasteless creatures that taunt my rippling despair.
Leave, I don't want to ****

The flow of systematic beings disintegrate and **** with my own flow sometimes.
Can't seem to get a grip on my mind.
I'm losing myself in lost formalities.
The whole diagrammatic systems falls into closure and creates a case of it's own.
The system is wrong, it doesn't flow with the equilibrium structure of life itself.
It just falls off, and finds a balance of it's own.
It has no real forecast, nor balance, just destruction.
It's chaotic to humankind and it needs strategy of some kind.
It needs appreciation, moral technique, or justification.
The flow of the subconscious is losing itself again in the brainwashing systems, it's locked, it cannot get out, stuck.
This philosophy is somewhat confusing, but it's just a descriptive rant about the brainwashing formula of society itself.
We a part of it, living in the lie, suffocating, trying to find, trying to heal, trying to bind.
Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people, the truth that, technology is not needed, love and purity is needed, humanity got so caught up in the wealth, they forgot the essence of true love.  
**** THE SYSTEM

Swallow away, lose myself in all that I am portraying.
Resurfacing, coming out the other side.
Remembering all that I am, all that I lost, all that was built, the potential that has no name.
Standing in the crowd, talents that can bring wonders to the world, a brain of Einstein and a body of a dancer.
A painters tongue, I am wasting all that I am born for.
Obstacles defeating my purpose.
My passions have me mentally in a constant war.
I am wasting myself.
Without my passions, I am nothing, a lonely soul with nothing, not even people can fill the misery.
Authentically multitalented.
How do I make it happen?

Choose one:

- A vampire needing blood, because they lose their power. So, they
  **** people and torture humans in order to get it.
- A fallen angel needing love, because it loses power. So, it manipulates, charms, and leads people into falling in love with them so can steal their heart.

ALL FOR THEIR OWN GAIN

                   Power

I am covered, hidden and locked away.
Exposed but not exposed.
Secretive, but open and saying too much.
Alone, misery seems to love my company.
Projecting hatred on those I stay distant from.
Not trusting, not needing to, because the motives and character screams louder than the physical disposition of who they seem to display.
I see the cracks beneath, yet, I have no remorse.
I have become so angry and miserable, that those I hate beckon to cause destructive anxiety when I hear them speak because they all seem to talk about me, and only me.
Like I am the main topic of the town.
These jealous petty cowards, soulless peasants, are nothing to me.
Yet their voices, their presence, angers the pits of my hell.
I am a dark presence, unknown.
A mysterious force, an energy I cannot recall.
She takes over me.
She now has full control.
The girl I once hated in the mirror, is now me.
She is my own reflection of darkness.
Lost and lonely...
My own reign of the throne I harness

My thoughts screaming out loud...
**** me daddy...
I need it bad, I want it, I crave it like a sin waiting to be unfolded inbetween my thighs where wetness needs to be explored.
You seem like trouble, temptation that I can’t help but have no control over.
Teasing you senselessly and wondering why I seem to have such an effect on people.
My eroticism speaks millions of sensual nightmares waiting to be unraveled and seeked upon.
My curtains are shaking and trembling waiting for pleasure to be evoked.
I scream to loudly on the inside wanting to lock away this part of me.
My ****** and ****** nature got me in bad spaces in the past, locking and hiding away that part of me for so long , I forgot what it felt to squirt... to feel drenched in your sweat, to leak forbidden sins...
Calling me your ****, I love it when you provoke me, wrap me, and hold me.
It’s been a long time, I need a reminder of what it’s like to be bad again...
I’ve been good, keeping my habits controlled.
I want to feel you and ******* so bad it’s driving a drill through my chaotic sinful mind.
My words so raw and unfiltered, I need it bad...
Daddy, punish me for all that I have sinned...
Don’t forgive me, kiss me harder and penetrate deeper into my mind.
**** me with your words then show me what a bad baby I’ve been....
The devils ****** monster is lurking within, waiting for a sign....
Hungry and seductively parched.
Bring out my demon and allow her to drive you ****** insane...

I want to feel, the rapture, the tear, the motion ripped apart and split into two.
I want to feel the divulgence of my thoughts, fears, emotions, and hidden agendas cascaded into yours.
The coming together of two, where sin begins and shadows dare not lurk into the love, the eroticism created.
A master, a Genius, a creator.
Where you and I will write our stories for many to see, before and beyond mankind.
Unveil my thoughts and open my desires.
Dark red blood wine, dripping down my lips as I write.
Lips as succulent as Thorned roses.
One bite, you might just fall, but dare not to sink deeper because of the hidden treasures that lurk beneath.
Like a tornado, a rush of the wind and the strike of a breeze.
But as still as the mountains we climb.
Honey, I'm on fire and I'm waiting for you to burn in my dungeon, alive, and eternal.
My legs quake, quiver, I drip of sensual wetness.
My dreams of only holding you close and wanting more
Intoxicating, I am drenched.
Open the treasure, and take what you deserve, if it's me that you worked and earned for.
Kiss me, daddy, I want to feel my heart explode.
Where my mind asks for more.

I wish I knew...
Knew what to do next.
The only thing I want to do is cry.
Stuck in the deepest wet mud like a serpent shedding its own skin and only waiting to see what's next.
I'm lost, but my philosophy is, all explorers get lost, don't they?
With constant transformations and changes, I struggle to adapt to my own lifestyle.
It all happens so fast, in the blink of an eye, without slow motion effects.
Anticipated, deprecated, impatient.
Waiting in pain, like a poisonous snake bite eating you up inside.
Waiting for the venom to be ****** out.
Consuming to every part of my being, like being stuck in a prison is underestimated.
This is worse...
This is skin prickling and soul shackling like shapes are out of order and the world is inside out.

I felt happiness, once.
When I got out and got some help.
Loved, supported, understood, not judged, accepted.
I was there for two weeks.
The depressing thoughts kept hitting me; ****, I still need to go back home.
I HATE IT THERE
THE ANXIETY, NERVES, AND ANGER CAME IN.

I'm never happy when I'm here.
I'm stuck in a spiraling tower like a dark Rapunzel cut her hair and had no way down.
Optimistic, faith, positive, I still find a way to keep grounding, yet, I'm the hero of my own story.
The only way out is through me, I need to make the change and get out ASAP.
YET, external situations have me trapped, it's out of my control.
I have no choice but to wait, no matter how hard I try to make things happen, it's just not happening.
I am my own hero, I fight my own battles, and win them every time, but somehow I can't win this one.
It requires a sense of patience and stagnancy that I cannot handle or tolerate.

Short-term fixes are my only solutions but that's left me broke and caged in more.
Zero impulse control, I can't help it.
I want out, I need my financial freedom.
I can't do this anymore.
Contradicted, rehabilitated, bored, and lack of full freedom.

When I'm alone, the thoughts start coming in.
Darker and more seductive than ever.
Like *** and erotica is my addiction, my infatuation, my drug.
I crave it in obsolescence.
But having these thoughts are not good for me...
I Should learn my lesson, but I never do.
A friends with benefits situation will never work out.
It always leads to something one way or another.
The *** was too good.
Explosive, passionate, hot, and ****** fiery.
To have *** like that again and end up not feeling anything for each other.
That's impossible.
It will turn out to be a complicated situation.
I stay away from hookups and one night stands for this reason.
I can't help but overthink, overanalyse.
It awakens deep emotions in me that I can't escape.
I wonder if he feels the same way after the ***.
He seems to be wanting to detach from me in order to protect himself.
On the other hand, I can't have him, he's temptation that I can't resist.
This is why I hold myself back from ***.
My *** is powerful, raw, ******, and uncut.
Either way, I have a guy that I actually want to be with in the future.
I see long-term lover potential in this other guy and I can't waste that away by causing complications with the friends with benefits guy.

This is the guy I probably will end up marrying one day, I cant waste that all away on another guy that can't be with me.
I can't be with him either, I don't want to.
I want the guy I'm supposed to be with.
But the *** has me thinking otherwise.
This happens every time I have fun with a guy, it never turns out well.
Yet my desires and temptations are speaking for itself.
I want to more than ever, to **** me inside out.
Rough, and slow and magnetic as the pressure builds up.
I can't stop thinking about his ***, his ****, his mind.
It was too powerful to ignore.
I wonder if he feels the same about my ***.
I need to get this off my mind, but I merely can't resist such temptation.

Who am I to become?
What am I to be?
Where do I go now?
What is left for me?

Who do I have besides myself.
A washed away face of waste and misery.
Alone on a path, I feel defeated, left to rot, thrown out.
Evil monsters lurking everywhere I go, every corner I turn, faces that haunt me, taunt me, hurt me, forbid me, tell me what I am not.
HUMANS.
Cold and remorseless, petty mindless beings with no sense of realism, depth, purity.
Nothing, all reflecting of dark shadows that they themselves cannot even face.

Labeled, by superficial beings who think they have the right to know me and get into the secrecies of my life.
You know nothing of me, how would you?
I don’t want you to.
Stay away…
Let me lurk, an unknown shadow cursing your name.
Fear me because you fear why you cannot see, the unknown, the inner dimensions of life and death itself…
I see it all.
I’ve felt it all.
Dreaded myself for pain, only to be reborn, over and over and over.
An endless cycle that I am forced to go through, like a 90 year only waiting on the hospital bed for death to take her away.
I’m tired, I’m done.
Every inch of my soul, my mind, my being…
Has become nothing.
I have nothing left.
Left nothing to become.
Dead everyday,
Waiting for the grim to let me sleep eternally.
However, karma is my own debt, and for eternity, I have to suffer.
I am defeated
**** me/…
I’m already dead

Depression hit me again
Feelings and depth has been risen and evoked

I haven't been depressed or felt it this bad in years

It'***** like a storm
Healing trauma and letting go of what doesn't serve me and cutting bad people and energy out

I've been hiding and keeping a lot inside of me
Working tiressly and staying positive

The darkness and exhausted hit me like a train
My eyes can't stop watering
I feel 😪
Pressure is high
Tryna keep stable but my inability and insatiability is thought consuming

I masturbated 20 times, I'm wet and ripped, I need it in me.
I'm high, I'm eating **** edibles to cope with the pain and anxiety.

My *** drive is its highest, constantly ***** but needing to keep self control.
What will happen if I let go?
If I feel what I lost?
I want to be loved, touched and held, and cared for.

I want passion and cuddles and everything 😩

But life is unpredictable
KENJI KING AND ALISHA ARE IN CONSTANT CONFLICT

They want to take me away, stop them.
SAVE ME.
Take me away from here, don't let me be trapped by the monstrous screams and the cruel energies, these dark demons in the disguise of humans...
I'm scared, they all know me, my power, my potential.
They out to get me, take it away from me.
I need to stay hidden in my web, I cannot let them get me.
Take me away from here, they watching me...
Every step I take, an inch away, eyes like a prowl of evil tears wanting what I have within me.
SAVE ME.
I hate this cage...
They won't leave me alone.
I feel alone, so trapped and lost in the darkness that foresees to my aching soul.
The misery, it's unescapable, no one to bleed on, but me.
I feel it consume my entire being.
A being of lost hope, nothing to attain but a spiral of washed away rotten skulls and souls yearning for something they do not have.
LOVE.
Stop staring, stop lurking, stop talking.
Faceless facades all around me whispering echoes that trail through the windy atmosphere.
I am not safe.
I sleep with eyes wide open.
Armored with protection.
The people here, they are bad.
Lingering around waiting like lost causes to see my next move.
I need to get out.
TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.
SAVE ME

Kiss me, hold me, feel me, feel it...
This intense throbbing aching lust of love.
Am I too alluring?
Can you feel me inside of you?
******* you relentlessly.
How hard are you?
Is your mind awake?
Can you feel a hole being drilled through it?
Am I passionate?
Am I seducing you to these pleasures that you cannot resist?
Irresistible, faint to the touch.
To satisfy, you cannot resist the urge.
It's pushing through every promise and memory you've ever had.
I'm not like the others...
You've loved, you've ******...
But have you had your earth shaken like a magnitude of an explosive volcano that boils to the top.
A flaming ridden peak of desire that never burns out.
It's aching.... you're about to explode.
Don't, feel it linger instead ......
Are you breathing heavy?
Are you shaking, I swear you have never met someone like me before.
Call me baby...
Papi...
Don't love me too hard, I might just leave.

Ssssshhh....
It's just a mind ****.

I lie and await while you lift off your shirt for me...
I bite my lip and smile, while bending in my leg.

My hair, in a state of disaster,
Messy and tangly, dark rose wine lip stain...
Your ****** monster.

You climb onto the bed with a charm set on your face...
Your expression tells me a ton...
Making my mind ***...

You tackle me with your touch as you feel up my legs....
My thigh tingles as you place your fingers inbetween them...

I lick my lips whilst moaning in a sensual pleasure....this feeling of erotica is something like long lost treasure.
Breathe onto my neck....
Feel my heart beat as you turn up the heat.
Baby, make me leak....

I've craved you, an intense arousing feeling comes about...
Love is making us... like ******* is nothing but a poor lust.

Squeeze my *** while I moan....
You pull out your stick ...
Oooh baby it's so thick.
**** me like you need me...
Kiss me ******' passionately.
Soulful lust...
Like the earths crust.

Crush me...
Devour me.
Taste me...
Lick me...
Baby just *** me.

I claw the bed sheets while you go deeper in me.
Head tilts back while you grab my throat in hack.
Your back inbedded with ****** scars as I claw and scratch you....
I love it how you do me...
More...
I love you like you have no ******' clue...
Adore.

****** tensions build as you kiss me down my hips...
I love the feeling of your soft luscious lips...
Kiss me...
I am everything you liss.

"Lips so french, *** so spanish"
The words escape from your mouth.
"**** me right til' I'm too tired to leave you"
I reply in truth.

Passionate love so good you got me in a sensual mood.
Sweat drippin' down our bodies...
I love the sensual lust...

My hands are strong, but my knees are weak.
I fall to the ground, nerves shaking to my feet.
I look at the ground, gripping it tight with my last nerve.
A battle that beckoned my own strengths...
I question, is my weakness defeating me?
Maybe I am locked to my own chain.
Is depth really my own despair?
Or does my darkness make its own light that only I can transform and foresee.
I am facing a new beginning, change.
Only, still hopelessly romantic with a love sickness that destroys me.
Depressed by my own loneliness.
Am I beautiful?
Or am I blinded by what's to come
...
The fire lurks within, strong hands, but weak knees.
Shaking, to the inner pits of me.
A love to destroy, I am worthy.
I only ask of a man of my worth to be mine.
I set fire to the rain, and I watch the sky burn, as I touch the flame

I want to feel, something.
I want that feeling, of passion electrocuting through my veins.
My body on fire, my heart exploding at the seductive touch.
I want to burn, to make you earn, my love.
I want my spine to be stroked, to sensual pleasures my baby ***** evokes.
You like the touch? The feel? The plead?
The torturous waiting.
I need to be loved, I want to love.
More than the physical, where the mind and soul is touched and breathed on.
My body is screaming out, my senses are calling.
Answer.

****** nerves entrancing you to my cold wavering heart beat.
Kiss me.
I need to feel, something.
It's been a while, ****** withdrawals.
Move it slow and push me against the wall.
Cracking my back, you touch my thigh and my thoughts pull you in.
I grab the back of your neck and lean in.
Fiery as my desires lurking beneath.
Tongue flipping and earth quaking.
Do I need to say more?
Shake me and make me , scream for more.
****** my desires and spank me as I beg for more.
I need it now, I want it in me.
**** me.

The glass on the stone, the peace in her eyes.
The emotion of her soul, and the serenity in her mind.
The way she speaks, of utter conscience.
The way she perceives, of deep imagination.
Holds her words in, and grasps morality.
Holds her tongue, and justifies her thoughts.
An angel, a goddess, of silky wavy locks and intelligence.
She speaks of wisdom, philosophy, greatness.
...
She speaks revolution.

Is it really what I need?
Or is it what I want?
Do I need to control my habits?
I have been for so long, but I know what happens once I give in to them...
Indecisive, I can’t make up my mind.
I keep switching between different thoughts holding me back, trying to own me.

I pop all alone, for fun.
But it’s love what I seek.
To have someone whom like me, understands me.
Someone dark, intense, emotional, and passionate.

I crave it deep inside but I brushed it off completely letting go of the topic of lovin.
I incoherently, fell in love with the topic of sin.
I need it bad.

I’m feeling ****** and sensual.
I’m feeling seductive and flirtatious.
I want someone close whom I can share that with on a deep level.
I’ve only felt pain, bring the drugs, to numb me again.

Vain, cold veins shivering inside of me.
So detached, love is nothing to me.
Water flowing inside my lungs, fire in my heart, and a devil on my tongue.

I crave depth and intensity with someone.
Love me hard, even if it’s just for one night only.

>Stained on the lips, as you bite your lip hard, the blood drips, the taste of metal against your tongue.... sacrificial blood as the passion awakens...

<My body yours to the soul I give
Blood feeding into our veins
Drinking from my cup
O' holy grail
Fill you up
Can you ******* pain

>Feeding on my my insides, my body yearns for the touch. I feed onto your pain, as you unleash your burdens onto me, I feel your touch soaking deeper onto mine, I crave your sensuality, your erotica got me feelin' weak

<The words you never speak seeping in my skin
Holding all inside sharing love and sin
I feel you
I know you
You writhe in serpents hive
Let's wind back the dangers
Let us  **** and thrive
Beneath Hell we shall dive

>**** harder as we thrive deeper in sin,  I feel you inside of me rushing through my veins, like electricity shocking through my nervous system... I try to hold on to the thought of you, but it rushes through me like a flash, I forget you, then it's done.

I'm screaming to get out.
Dying to be set free.
Stuck in a place where people are out to get me.
Stuck in a negative and toxic household.
Nowhere to run, my feet are itching but glued.
People surrounding me are not for me.
My people are out there, somewhere.
LOST, CONFUSED.
I just finished repeating highschool as an adult, but I am scared I did not pass.
I am waiting for results so I can finally get a job and gain stable financial independence.
I have been waiting for my breakthrough for years.
I am lost and alone, fighting for a cause only I seem to care about, going about on my YouTube channel.
People around me are shallow, ignorant, and hate my truth.
They are not my cup of tea.
I want my soul tribe, the people who understand me for me.
Being authentic and original is my second nature.
If they can't accept me for me, then why do they still obsess over, and admire me?

Copycats and fake narcissists can't break me, I have worked too hard and built up way too much strength to let anyone take that away.

Hate me?
Then stop trying to clone me.

Alone, lost, trapped, stuck, held in by these false and unfair delusions.
I don't know where my home is, or where I come from, but I am immensely drawn to cats and birds.
I was sent on a mission, on a purpose, and it is the loneliest life I live.
Since I could remember, I have been fighting the battle alone, being a messenger from higher dimensions and spreading knowledge only I know. Awakening those on earth, spreading justice.
Humans are threatening, scary, and cruel.
It gets painful, I hurt with every aching cell in my body.
But through all that pain, many lessons were learnt.
More knowledge was invested, and more strength was established.
I am looking for those who are also on a mission, I am looking to reach out to the ones who don't feel like they belong here.
This life is lonely, I have nobody.
Maybe we can connect and communicate together.
Please reach out.

It writhes up inside like a hurricane that diminishes every part of your sanity.
Fingers being pointed making you the bad guy.
Judgements from others making you someone you not.
Turning you into a monster that you never were, that you swore to never become.
Faking your life, your personality, your disposition, your words…
All for what?
For nothing.
I know who I am.
I like who I am.
I love myself.
Why should I be targeted by those who feel nothing for even Themselves.
The man who’s wife died, who got kicked down by someone who reminds him of me, is the same man placing those toxic energies onto me.
Assumptions and assumptions …
People not knowing what “minding their business” is.
Rumors , lies, gossip…
The story of my dramatic life.
It’s not my energy, it has nothing to do with me.
As I need to remind myself everyday.
Everyone feels threatened by my light and wants my light because they don’t have their own.
I can’t handle these toxic energies surrounding me.
I need to get out.
I need a place to be….
ALONE
But to whom?
Detach myself…
It’s ******* with my whole agenda.
I need to get out.
I can’t take it anymore.
Give me my privacy…

Life, in all its forms and shapes.
Weeping eyes and willows of dark days.

I wallow to myself, tears fall beneath me.
Addictions to things I could never afford, attachments to things I could never hold.

***, money, love
It's all seems  meaningless, superficial.
But it isn't.
*** is powerful, it's intimate and creates a physical bond.
Money is tangible, it's creates images and status. It gets you things to survive.
Love is magical, strange, and completely insane.

Overthinking every thought and detail in my mind till I explode in hopeless mental trauma.
Thinking myself into my own darkness, where nightmares do not escape.
Detachment is beautiful but what is attachment if it hurts?
Hurts to get attached to anything.

Like the pull of opposite directions intertwining you.

Stop my mind.
Stop my addictions.
Stop my secretions.

I'd rather be blind

I've lost myself

It's been a while, but I really lost myself
I hate this **** city, but I had to come back here for a reason

I miss my friends, and I'm missing out on really good work opportunities 😪

I'm also missing out on my year end function.
But life really ****** me up to the point I don't even  have a place to stay in the other city.
ALONG WITH THE STALKERS THAT IM RUNNING AWAY FROM

60 BREAKDOWNS LATER...

I almost broke my hand from such a massive anxiety and asthma attack

This air is suffocating
I feel constantly lethargic and fatigue
I feel like I lost my liveliness

I've sunk down in severe depression

Thus city is haunting
I've never felt this unhappy in years

I need a place to stay...
I'm a dying corpse here
I'm hanging onto nothing, just pain

Staying up, thinking about it.
The last time our eyes met, our skin touched, our demons lurked, in a bath of wet sins.
The love that was made, forbidden, hard, and faintest to the touch.
The force was so strong, I think the fire couldn't even handle it.
What I would do to see you again, talk to you.
Just to hear that you felt it too.
I can't explain it.
But it was something I've never felt before.
The nightmares seems as distant as before.
I lay awake, not knowing my next quake.
Like the storm already ravished every part of me leaving me to burn alone.
I see the cracks in the shade, hiding, not knowing.
Knowing when I will see you again.
It was unforgettable.
So extreme, to the point that seeing other people is completely pointless.
I've given up even trying.
Until our lips touch, our eyes meet.
To get this closure I so desperately need.

My past, a faint memory I subconsciously hold onto.
Letting it all go, but still in the midst of moving on from painful memories and connections that at one stage buried me six feet deep.
I still hear the calls of the voices, the intricate echoing beneath the endless silence.
As if moving on is more of a task, then the road to actual happiness.
The person I am now, too strong to even let a man in, even though it's love that I deeply crave.
Too in control to let go of the hold, the grip.
Too in charge to let someone else lead the way.
I can't ever imagine it.
Letting myself be loved and touched again.
It's been a decade.
I've been alone to the point of comfort.
A sense of peace.
Over a year, and I'm celibate and independent.
A man is she and a woman she looks like.
I'm scared to give my control away.
I've worked too hard.
But it's love that I crave, and these deep feelings from the past still taunt me.
No friends, just mere acquaintances.
Too scared to take that risk with people.
Moving on, but still holding.

Didn't they say, a love like that won't last.
Didn't I tell you, a love like that will break.
Didn't I give enough.
Maybe my devotion is too strong.
My love is too strong, deep, loyal, and bonded like a metal carving glued with a flaming gun.
Unbreakable, passion evoked but not worthy of anyone to have.
Wasteful and undeserving of such wander, intensity, mystery, intelligence.
Sensual honey dripping of red velvet cake.
Waiting to be eaten, pleasure is indulgence of the finest scents and taste.
Yet, I cry in my corner.
Too strong to have, too strong to hold.
Will they ever be enough.
A white silk curtain drapes like the red satin dress on my curvaceous body.
Waiting to be taken... Gently destroyed.
Like chocolate lava waiting to be dripped on your delicious skin.
I see you before you see me.
I stay grounded yet proactive in my pursuits.
I don't do anything...
I just work, listen to music, and write hopeless poetry on rants about my depression.
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain.
Are they good enough for me.
Or am I destined to only be with me.
Pure love, yet impure.
She's sweet, but will cut you like a razored knife...
Much like a Scorpio, you shouldn't **** with us.
Marry me, if only you are worth my privacy

I'm just a beautiful liar, with nothing but chains and whips to cover the truth.
I'm just a beautiful liar, with nothing but wounds and scars to cover the pain.
I'm just a beautiful liar, with nothing but twists and schemes, to cover the hate.
You may deny me, you may admit me, you may underestimate me.
But somehow, I have you questioning yourself.
I'm just a beautiful liar, trying to be good.
I lie with no remorse, yet, I tell the truth bluntly.
I know my capabilities, only a few I choose to use it on.
Don't trust me, and I won't trust you.
I'm just a beautiful liar, beggin, to be good.
Punish me daddy, for I have lied to tell the truth.
For I have sinned to be good.
For I have underestimated my own intelligence, to get my way.
I'm just a beautiful liar, covered in promiscuity.

Trapped in my mind, lost in confusion, conflicted by chaos, denoted by the mental crisis.
I stand in fear, but not willing to be taken down.
I express the most, and keep the rest hidden, locked away.
I know what I know, the knowledge is my strength and my weakness.
Testing my own abilities on a blank page where thoughts manifest and co-create.
I am not you, neither I am really me.
I am not wise, merely experienced and thirsty to know more.

I am defeated by desire.
The desire to love.
I am high strung and nervous in the rummaging crowds of senseless energies draining my sense of being.
Informative, yet discreet.
Do I need not say more?
Speak but don't talk.
Then what is point of verbal expression if they constantly silent you.
For I only know what my mind absorbs.
Curiosity and quick intellect.
Not an academic, don't need to be.
My mind is my weapon, my greatest strength.
For it only requires knowledge.

They say, I have a beautiful mind.
I say, I explain the information I find.
Excrete and discrete.
The mental messenger of a deranged intellect and a spiritual soul.
Do I need not to say more.

Express yourself, it is the only way.
The unstable mind is the one that knows the most, and the least, all at the same time.
How can you be willing if you cannot live in open-minded intelligence.
My mind is my gift.
I love it, but sometimes I hate it.
It creates what people call interesting and smart.
It creates my life, and performing art.
I live in despair, learning to control and tame, the monkey brain.

I stared in front of me, at a peculiar object that had no formality.
It was a bland wall, had no opening, nor space, just blank.
It was oddly amusing, trying to foresee beyond it, trying to see what could be the meaning behind it.
The wall had no writing, or drawings, no patterns, or carvings.
Staring blindly, I couldn't see.
"Change your perception, use a different sense"
The voice said.
Pressing my hands against it, resting my forehead on it, and closing my eyes.

I felt it

I heard the banging, the screaming, the blood spattering, the squealing, the gasping, the echos, the sounds crying out for help.
I heard the knife slashing and gun shooting, I heard it all.
I suddenly felt something jolt through my body, like an electric shock.
I landed hard, back first on the ground.
Losing consciousness...

I saw it

I saw everything. EVERYTHING.

Waking up in a blanked out terror, I finally understood it.
It was me, in the form of my subconscious.
A metaphor of the desperate plead, cries, and help I call out to those that I love.
But, silent echos cannot whisper in the dark, and my voice cannot be heard.
SO, I suffer more, all by myself.

Yes, You can see the wall, but, if you choose not to listen to it, you won't see what's behind it, on the other side.
You choose to be misunderstanding.
You choose to be ignorant, and brain washed by lies.
But, if you actually took your own time and tried to feel the wall without any fear, maybe, just maybe, you would truly understand.

So, I stare at this bland wall, has no opening, no space.
But when I heard and saw what was on the other side, my perception changed.

Loneliness is intrusive.
I hate people.
But I need company.
I'm picky, selective.
I want to be alone.
I don't trust people.
Paranoid.
The worst comes to mind.
In bed.
Chained in my own contradictions.
Pessimism, no hope.
Quiet, withdrawn.
Stuck in my mind.
Escaping this toxic situation I'm in.
I feel blind, don't be kind.
The prison cell.
The illusion of chaos rummaging in distortion.
Don't look at me.
I feel pain, misery, Loneliness, misunderstood.
Hated for who I am.
Let me out