I go to a gym to run and lift.
After I feel weaker rather than stronger.
I eat for nutrition.
After the meal I feel sluggish and sleepy.
Weakness is a prerequisite of Strength.

Accepting my generation is kind of hard, everyday mental capacities are sabotaged, take a glance at my peers & everybody's identity is camouflaged
It's an age where there's a long line of scars, their inner image is cut down reduced like wood to a cabin lodge, & they don't realize one day they'll have to pay for pretending, identity theft is a major kind of fraud.
No mind desires to think for itself, they wait on the next topic like a lecture class, only to not develop their own opinion on a topic already selected for them, it's like a professor giving a quiz with the answers listed.
Love is ridiculed & you're chastised if it's felt, my brothers and sisters are clearly broken, a generation of fractured glass, & my soul aches as I observe minds that were predestined for uniqueness be restricted and uniformed to one day wake looking for their life realizing they've missed it.
The other day I found myself on the Twitter page of a boy who has counterfeited my essence & over written the gift God gave him that is his own style, his own thoughts, his one fights.
I felt no anger rather sympathy, the avidity to help, to show and tell him that no flesh is of greater value than another, that his mind is as onliest as my own, & rather than borrow my charisma he should seek his own until a fit feels right.
Everyone witnesses this tragedy but so many are blind to it. Social media sets the standard of what you guys feel, accept, avoid and address & those actions are the root of what will define you & should originate from your own spirit and core.
Believe it or not the opinion of the public you're not assigned to it, Don't let opinions lead you astray from the real, to neglect, and compress those remaining fractions of who you really are screaming out to be heard and glorified more.
Consider we live in a generation where guys will crave for women who are generous with their bodies & then give advice for another man to steer clear of a woman who has shared the very thing they search for & chastise that guy if he shows any emotion toward her.
Comprehend I observe girls complaining about immature men & being blistered by bad intentions but have the audacity to turn down a genuine and God abiding man down simply because he isn't a quarterback or a power forward.
We lack identity. So often we say our parents just don't understand but how could they? We glorify pain and lend scars, social media has made everyone feel as if they're famous, pretend stars, personalities blending together like a *** of gumbo, inseparable, undeniably the same and we wonder why we can't tell who our friends are?
Narcotics are consumed by the plenty, minds are poisoned with false values we've enveloped ourselves in, no one longer values a good person but rather what that person has that is valuable & they say we're the future? If you ask me, we are where the end starts.

Absent Identity -Dash Pinder

"Am I in love with you?" "Or am I in love with the feeling?"
Everytime I look at you, can't help but wonder what you're feeling.
Hidden thoughts come through, & the cloak that once hid them is peeling.
Don't know what to do, should love ever be a secret?
Your past is hurting you, and sometimes I swear I feel it.
When I look at you, I stare into a picture of you kissing me.
I will never speak the truth, what if all the magic's in the mystery?

I see you guys talk so much but you haven't said anything.
Only words with substance are truly heard.
Please stop whispering.
I can't hear your desperate attempt to gain attention.

Movies. Shows. Clips.
I stare into screens that take me away.
My mind lapses & my mind begins to play.
Every day a screen steals my time.
A robber of thoughts, theft of the mind.

People often make the mistake of interpreting depression as just a sadness but in reality it's much deeper, much more exhausting, it's like through a black hole watching yourself dying.
You want to help, you want to save yourself, but there's no energy to lend rescue. I seemingly became an evil fiend, latching on to my own soul & depleting the faith, soon tears would rush to my chest & day through night I laid in my room a demon crying.
Depression is a soundless burglar, you don't ever hear him breaking in. Strangely enough once he's in, you won't care if he stays, you won't ever ask him to vacate. You'll decorate the guest room with your own pain, seas of your own tears, monuments of your own fears and play a great host.
With every new sun, I felt less alive. Every breathe felt like a burden and every chance of danger was something i welcomed. He made me ungrateful for life, I felt like I was drowning but didn't care much to make it back to the coast.
To be depressed is to be in a track meet i always dreamed of running in & feel no joy, zero excitement, all the athletes are full of adrenaline & i'm filled with a yearning for isolation, an addiction to darkness & loud silence, in that crowd I felt alone.
To be depressed is to lay with women as beautiful as Acoma Iris blossoming in the spring. Women I used to dream of as I was ridiculed, chastised & told I wasn't attractive enough & feel not a single emotion! No pleasure nor excitement & these are Goddesses I would usually write poetry about, soon I feared my soul was gone.
To make matters worse people would seek conflict with me because of my appearance, because I appeared attractive or strong? I don't know but, my silence came off as arrogance when it was really my cry for assistance, for somebody to pull me out of the shadows & I could return to trying to inspire the youth.
As I disintegrated in Fires colder than my lifeless heart, I would reflect on how the Lord called home my Father, my cousin, and now my uncle, now my pastor & every night in my prayers for help I would ask "Lord can I just come sit next to you?"
Percocet meals had the only nutrition that gave me the strength to get through my days. If tested by the NCAA that's my scholarship gone, some would say my future, so comprehend I had gotten so low I just desired to endure the present, me having a future seemed so far fetched.
Depression shuts you down & it was terrorizing being a depressed athlete, not a regular student I couldn't just shut down. I had practices, meetings, lifting I couldn't afford to miss & so Alarms were set an hour ahead because it took me that long to gather the strength needed to get out of bed.
Zoloft, Prozac, Oleptro, anti-depressants unworthy to survive the battles in my soul, for an antidepressant to help me they would need the strength of Christ. Soon I stopped looking for hope, satisfied by the comfort of Percocet I search no more & suddenly she was there.
I really don't know how it came to play or why it happened, they say when you stop looking what you were looking for appears. I had so much to say & she would lend me her ears talk to me at night & help me forget my fears. A light in the darkness, I seen a spark, a glimpse of emotion, something I had not felt it what seemed like years.
Clueless, I would soon come to witness she was an angel sent by Lucifer, the last amount of anguish needed fracture my soul, the straw that broke the camels back, the last kick to my will. She was my payback for the deceptive things I hadn't done in so long.
Imagine being incapable of emotion in the midst of events and scenery that produce celestial emotion in others. Imagine being so lifeless & Siberian you couldn't feel your own sadness & then after an eternity of torment you finally feel it all & that person tells you the fact that you're feeling is what is wrong.
I used to think Karma was a myth set out by adults to make me tread my actions carefully. But now I realize karma is as real nematophagous fungi, an ambush predator waiting with flawless timing, waiting to tear you apart, to bring you down.
At war with Karma & Depression I no longer could fight these battles alone & I turned to the father, to my Lord and savior, to the only man worthy to wear a crown.
It took many times hearing the Lord speak through a mortal vessel to pull me out of a humid darkness I could not step out of alone. & to anyone who might be secluded in shadows, turn to the lord, & I promise rescue and aid he will send.
Do not be as foolish as me, do not run into battle unarmed requesting your own demise. Explain your silence if you can, and don't shelter yourself from the ones that care. Don't fake smiles until you're back to a dark room filled with pain that shouldn't comfort you, don't end up experiencing bleakness during once in a lifetime moments & realize you're standing in front of cameras a depressed All-American.

"All-Depression" - Dash Pinder

Have you ever seen a plate so empty it was full? Full of disappointment, full or worry, despair & seemingly adding to your tormenting hunger.
As I stare at a full plate of food, the first Sunday dinner since I've gotten home from Bama I think, I reflect, and I wonder.
I wonder how we arrived here, or rather why because I know what had to happen and what has taken place for my family to receive.
I continue to think & eat and before my stomach can even reach its satisfaction I leave the table to write, to let you guys know to be discreet of a soul with a full plate who has never had to bleed.
J.Cole said "there's beauty in the struggle" and if you didn't dissect that on your own the beauty he speaks of is the instruction of values.
There are some things words simply can not show, there are joys & pains script can not display; struggle, disparity, and crucible are the only entities that can instill this consciousness inside you.
You can not truly appreciate crossing the finish line in front of the entire field until you have felt the embarrassment, the scathing burn of watching your competitors flock away from you like Geese in October
If you have never drove a 94' Honda Accord with "out of order" AC & lack of audio then the Luxury vehicle that is so greatly cherished seises to be luxury, it's just a car, you don't even see it as a Range Rover.
I even noticed in myself that I had become immune to the beauty and purity of my past lovers. I began to forget how blessed I was to have the present because the past was equally as elegant.
If you give the people a great commander in chief & then a second, and then a third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, by the seventh time around they won't appreciate a good president.
Beware the soul that has a a full plate that never had to bleed because they do not value anyone else's plate. A rich man born rich does not value having a spare fish for the hands of the poor.
Truly how could they? They don't know that excruciating hunger, they've never felt agonizing winters sharp as forest mulch splinters, poverty so bad you feel worthless like unbearable guilt dancing in your core.
If you've used an elevator your entire existence how could you relate to the fatigue I feel from taking the steps. Taking the necessary steps to hunt, clean, and prepare the same meal that was simply delivered to you.
If you were blessed to be born into a stocked kitchen you're not to blame & I have no quarrel with your life. Just understand there are struggles you will never entirely comprehend & I just ask that you never pretend to understand what the people clawing at the bottom have to go through.

"Full stomach || Empty Heart" -Dash Pinder

What if what you feared was always here?
Pain must be felt once it's there.
Where will you run to if there's only one where?
We try so heavily to avoid the inevitable because we're scared.
To embrace is to defeat, to conquer and adhere.
The cure to death is to live, the cure to hurt is to feel, to trust like the cuts were never there.
I know the pain & the failure, can make ****** minutes & depressing seconds feel like years.
We must stop hiding & open our vision to a world where we're encased in our fears.
I shall walk by Faith and not by sight with Belief in my tears and hope in my ears.
We are awake when everyday we see our fears.
I see hell everywhere.

Caution, not perfection. Caring, considerate, there's so much kindness we're meant to live out.
Imagine if we had to feel all the pain we give out.

Slow down & Go. Caution & proceed. Yellow & Green. My spirit overwhelmed during a journey to a land secreted by amber & emerald, yet all I can remember of my experience is a soul searching blue.
For a night I gazed into eyes as sapphire as the deepest parts of the Aegean Sea, Eyes that dried tears i had not yet cried & put untested trust within me, a stare so true.
I stood next to her looking at a land i hadn't seen before, looking over its entirety from the top of a cliff I couldn't help but notice this artistic nature was no equal to the smile gleaming beside me.
I had run probably the most exciting race of my existence that day yet my heart had never paced faster. My palms dripped, my stomach spinning more than a laundromat, what's going on inside me?
Seems I've been waiting my whole life to meet a stranger, a stranger that felt so familiar, a touch that had the comfort of my childhood home, I latched on to a mysterious hand, a hand never held & soon the bizarre magic had begun.
When faced with things that are seemingly to good to be true wonder and curiosity can dissipate the mind. You're faced with a yellow light. I knew it to be impossible yet the moment stared me in the eyes, twas like looking at a full moon next to the noon sun.
I found myself Lost in eyes so bewitching I felt unworthy to stare into them. My mind was absent, my body was absent. All of me that is left is my heart & my lips; my heart dashing as I was gifted with a savory kiss.
I can still feel that breathe gliding across my skin sending chills to my core. With every touch I could feel my heart speed up, with every exhale she seemingly gave me my next inhale, gave me life, gave me breathe, kisses of Primatene mist.
My soul was dominated by a type of cancer, a chivalrous cancer, killing the emotionless existence of me & soon she claimed something I didn't even know I was offering.
My heart became her trophy as I slept a sleep as peaceful as an empty beach, a sleep periodically interrupted by passionate *** that sent me deeper into slumber & I knew the minute I left this land I would begin suffering.
I know now time is not a prerequisite of passion. Passion is not about how long the fire has been burning but rather how intense and consuming the flame is. In 10 hours an eternity flashed before my eyes, & I saw a person filled with emotion I've tried so hard to summon for my past.
Slow down & Go. Caution & Proceed. Yellow & Green. I entered this land yellow, & by the time I left I was fully green, as green as the dollar in my pocket, the salads she ate, and the gorgeous Nature surrounding this unfamiliar land. Sometimes you have to ignore the slow down signal & drive through the light full blast.

"Yellow & Green" -Dash Pinder

My friend caught me laughing whilst crying.
He said "umm are you going insane?"
"Dear friend, have a seat.
Let me tell you this funny thing about pain.
When you're hurting your senses swirl
And sooner than later everything sounds the same.
Like, "I love You" sounds just like "There's someone else."
The roses they bring you are bewitching, but lean in and a stranger's scent is all you'll smell.
I mean, yes they'll carress you like it's the first time, but your replacement is all you'll feel.
Confusion will paint illusions, soon all happy sights your mind is refusing & you can't see what's real.
& taste? Dear friend, The ultimate bitter is taste.
It's like collapsing & dropping your time casserole; all you can do is stare down, what a waste.
So I know you're confused as you stare at my bright smile as my eyes are running.
But to be honest with you, I'm puzzled, I can't quite decipher if it hurts or its funny."

We're all one heartbreak away from insanity.

I see your call for help
I see your cry for assistance.
& unlike your past friends
I promise not to miss it.
I see your tears fall into the seas
I hear you cry and beg please.
I see sharks surround you
Through your heart, out your soul bleeds.
I will offer the last of my will.
Give the last of my strength, anything I can do.
I'll save you & say goodbye.
& when you open your eyes to my memory you'll know you always came before anything else because I was drowning too.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The third one I want her to see, to see that she's more special than she gives her self credit for, that she brings out the best in me.

& if she didn't believe it before this then I'll  just have to show her she's special going from A to Z.

She's completely Adorable like a baby the first time they taste a lemon thinking its a sweet fruit.

Excessively Beautiful, Sight dominating beauty that makes you wish there was never another sight you had to look to.

Her personality radiates a  gathering passion capable of making the coldest hearts turn Cupidity.

So daring in many ways, completely overly Dramatic at times but who isn't? One of the most dependable people I have there for me.  

Completely Essential, it wildly puzzles my mind how I managed to survive 20 years without her essence in life.

A mouth smarter than Sheridan at times, a attitude hotter than 99 degrees and 100% humidity, she's sure to make a Feisty wife.

She has a smile so attractive that's always Gleaming brighter than when you check your phone in the middle of the night and the brightness is on full blast.

Excessively Honest, almost to much sometimes, like when referring to my looks but nonetheless the type of honorable that makes relationships last.

I've never told her this but there's times when I glance at her & she looks nearly Identical Katrina Kaif, just more real & original, not some crafted photo.

She possesses a spirit that is perfectly Jovial. It's contagious & nurturing, my spirits seem to sink in a little every time she or I have to go.  

Foolishly Kindhearted, over willingly to give to the people she cares for and willing to forgive those she shouldn't.

Rarely a dull moment with her, she's so Ludic anytime I've tried to refrain from laughing at her I simply couldn't.

She's firmly Memorable, unforgettable like a first kiss, first car, or the first time you were asked to prom.

She's needed in our everyday nourishment, soulfully Nutritious, as much needed as a nap or a mom.

Contagiously Optimistic, her faith and positivity always rejuvenates me to make sure I keep that same faith she has in her life.

It is a gift to anyone to be able to look into her Prepossessing gaze, it's alluring like diamonds in her eyes.

Such a Quixotic woman, at least in my eyes. She herself might not agree but I think it would bring this out of the best of men.

Undeniably Royal, we must all bow to her, serve her hot chocolate & warm her blankets. I see no difference between her & the Monarchs they had back then.

Her hugs are Salubrious to the sick, healing & gifting strength and hope, a gift that has no price.

In life we can't trust many but she's undoubtedly well deserving of the label Trustworthy never will any relationship with her be rolling the dice.

Unique, but unique is an understatement. There are other Courtney's but there isn't another Courtney & if you knew her you catch my drift.

Any bleakness she experiences is like a Vociferousscreech to me and it becomes a priority to stop it, doing anything I can to help her mood shift.

An enjoyable kind of Weird, just different. I've had an off the wall friend in the past but she's gotta be 3x more enjoyable and outrageous as he was.

Personally, I hate her X, or anyone that has hurt her for that matter and I'll never forgive them even if she does.

Majestically Youthful, Courtney will mature through life but never age, in 60 years she'll still be running up and down WaWa aisles and I watch still disgusted from the comforts of my wheelchair.

The day she comes into anybody's life she makes that day their life's Zenith & I pray she's around for the rest of my years.

When you have an infinite pool of memories some may not be as clear as others but my first sight of her is as clear as aquarium windows
She had eyes that shined like a varsity star on JV, a smile that made me feel innocent, a laugh that sang to the inner child I hid from my coworkers and skin that i somehow just knew was as soft as Jehovah's pillows.
High School was my empire, my company, I was the head of the board, the CEO & looking at her made me weak, extremely weak, as if I was a college grad in my first interview, a warm gummy worm under a steak knife.
A villainous & crooked CEO I offered false dreams, led interns to believe they could earn a permanent position at my side, with really no true intention to keep them around past a short term, ironically one intern would change my life.
Although this is probably known, I have never spoken it out loud. My intentions were utterly negative, to lust and vacate, ignore her grief, & later ask for her friendship as if I had forgotten my deceptive ways.
Upon her accepting the pain I offered disguised as a fairytale romance hidden behind a friendly smile and a fleecy touch I couldn't help but think "I win again" unknowingly welcoming with open arms a loss I would feel for the rest of my days.
The losses that are complete losses are not the ones to fear. Beware the losses that taught you something, the losses that made you better, the losses that are treasures for the next person to cherish.
Can I even consider it a loss lord? Is to lose a blessing a loss or is to have had the blessing even with having to part ways with it a victory in itself? It's this question, this thought that would lead my peace, my morals, my sanity to perish.
A young girl came into my bureau & completely shook the foundation, transformed my rules and morals, flooded a chilled and dreary workplace with unquestionable love, kindness, and innocence.
The most beautiful things in life can't be bothered without retaliation, **** the most gorgeous tree and Mother Nature will scorn you, corrupt a lionizing sky with dark clouds and there's no way to escape the consequence.
Make no mistake she was & still is to this stay one of earths greatest sights, An antibiotic to infected eyes, fruit for the soul, and a nutrient i would inquest and crave for everyday.
Never had I met an intern so full of life, i set out a task she would achieve, achieve, achieve. My effort she matched, my spirit and Enthusiasm she surpassed, anything i put forward she quickly matched like a celestial 401k.
It's not everyday the Boss learns from the intern & the experience was nothing short of an epiphany. Her paralyzing deep chestnut graze taught me to look deeper than just what the eyes revealed.
Her heart was as pure as ****** from the furthest regions of East Asian jungles, a heart so pure it purified and cleansed the heinous of mines, an affection so real.
The most alarming motivators in life are Love & Pain. We are willing to Die for what we Love & circumvent the pains we fear at all cost, until what you love is the source of the pain & we end up so confused by excruciating emotion we are willing to die for pain and avoid the love.
In her absence that's precisely what I did. I played hide & seek with the idea of Love & searched for pain, My soul would seek cuts, my heart craved anguish, anything that periodically felt worse than the regret of that game winning catch I let slip out of my glove.
Needless to say she taught me to appreciate everyone in this Company I called My life, that an intern can impact your empire just as much as a chief financial officer, just as much as your successor that is your pride and joy, your only kid.
We wish to believe we are in control of our lives but are we really? Are you in control if one mortal being can change the direction entirely? All that is certain is that we should love and appreciate however we can. Open your arms, open your heart, and most importantly open your eyes, put a microscope on your life, it's usually the things we subconsciously write off as minor and small that turn out to be so big.

"Imani's Internship" -Dash Pinder

On a pain scale 1-10 death is a 0.

Zero for the deceased and a ten for breathing.
Appreciation at 1 when they come & always a
10 when we're forced to watch them leaving.

Days are numbered for us, for the people we love, & the plants that gift us breathe.
Would you still care? Would you still crave that job? Would that heart break still hurt if the clock was almost done ticking & you knew you were facing death?

A scratch wouldn't sting If it simultaneously occurred along with a stab.
The small joy of a giggle loses its stimulation when placed next to a stomach squeezing laugh.

More and Less, More or less? The words are meant to be a measure of the amount of things, or people, but in reality they are the enhancement and suppression of appreciation.
Ten dollars is appreciated until twenty is seen. Take someone who complains about asthma as if it's the worse curse & diagnose them with cancer, they'll suddenly forget asthma is even involved in the situation.

More or Less are just synonyms for Better and Worse. Better makes us blind and numb to what we have, those joys we already feel; introduce worse & we no longer need Better to see these blessings.
Everyday we count things, we count everything except for the things that count, lack of appreciation deprives us from making the days count, & then we wish we could have them back once begin stressing.

We always want more of anything pleasureful we recieve when it's really appreciation that should be given and received with repititon.

Life is a gift but More or Less makes us mortal, makes us ungrateful, & turns life into a competition.

The day we cease to appreciate our lives because we fall victim to the perception of More we start to live less and less, before you know it you've died while you're still breathing.

Ultimately we need pain. It teaches us to appreciate & ignore the more, we must hurt before we benefit it's like a baby teething.

**If you're alive, you're blessed, more or less.

I think it means something when you crave to speak to someone when the world is silent, When the stars are bright & there isn't much to do.

I think it means something that you own my thoughts, that to hug you feels like holding my dreams, that I wake up to many notifications & I just hope one of them is from you.

I think it means something that I can see how special you are, that I can see your unparalleled beauty exudes much deeper than just physical attraction.

I think it means something that I can see what you have to offer & what you deserve. Stars sing about angels like you, poets they write about you at 5am & you deserve to be loved overwhelmingly beyond levels of satisfaction.

So bright, consuming all my nights.
She's enchanting like Rosellas when they fly.
Eye to eye, a blue that makes you want to dive.
So beautiful like sapphires in her eyes.
A wild torch, couldn't contain it if I tried.
Gorgeous pain, uncontrollably smiling while I cried.
I say I don't love her & never have I agonized so much inside as I lied.
Such a portrait can not be earthly, Lord tell me have I died?

Lost my best friend now I hang out with demons.

Tramadol floating in Bacardi , *** to feel alive but I see death in my *****.

Make my bed and lie in it, invisible stains on the sheets, they can't see that I'm bleeding.

Hell's Kitchen, a servant and chef for lucifer, all these demons I'm feeding.

This might be contagious, please stop reading.

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall.
Saying what we want to speak so badly is never the bad part but rather gathering the will to make the call.
If you want the rainbow you must deal with the rain.
Will you be able to truly appreciate pleasure if you've never experienced pain?
The lack of the worst would make the best also siese to exist.
Yes, Sure the first time you'll be nervous, overcome with fear, but by the third you'll have unshakable courage behind every kiss.
Must bleed to heal. Must be numb to grasp the thirst to feel. You must be uncomfortable a few times to know exactly where & why you fit.
Life is just one big college major & if you want to hold your degree you must endure the prerequisites.

In my Dreams I see scenes I haven't experienced, I remember what I so wish to live & I miss nonexistent times.
My soul is now nourished by a mature heart, my actions overseen by a mind that lacks a bad intention, & my being aches for something which for there is a distant line.
As I sleep I see her & I miss her. My dear friend, I one day fell lost into the moon light gleaming on your face & stood ardently found in your chestnut eyes.
When I hold your hand I can feel my chest in your palm, as your breathe calms my heart races, & I feel the pain you carry from your past, & my eyes bathe in your cries.
You said you were scared to lose me, & just when I thought we couldn't be anymore similar I learned we share a common fear.
Friend or Lover, In the flesh or spiritually, your presence, your aura is one my being requests daily for emotional nutrition & no premise will ever exist to keep me from being here.
When I laugh with you my troubles become silent, my worries are the softest of whispers & my joys howl ferociously a pleasure that demands to be heard & one so true.
The day I stared into your eyes under wonderland painted concert lights in a moment to be cherished I felt myself die Only to be reborn, only to tell God I couldn't stay, that I had to come back, come back for you.

Say you're on your way. The wait is unbearable.
Say you'll cherish me only. Say your heart is unshareble.
"Say you'll be mine.
Say we'll be fine.
Say we'll be together.
Selfish of me to ask since I'd be the reason we don't last forever."
I hear your voice in songs. A voice that's never blessed my ears.
I feel your hugs, mild hugs I've dreamed about throughout my coldest years.
Where are you? Please Send the location.
****** the keys to my heart, free my soul & and rescue me from this emotionless probation.
Have you been hurt like me? Is it weird The most beautiful things on you are your scars?
Could I grasp you admittedly close to my being as we lay on our band-aids & gaze up at stars?
In Dreams you're all I see. Fantasies of a we. Prematurely feeling something that has to be.
I've paid the price for happiness, I've handled the heaviest of baggages & I wait patiently for the day God ships & delivers you to me.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The second one I want her to see, I want her see that perfect formula God created her with that only she would be sharp enough to comprehend.

Just Loving her has made me smarter now than I was then.

I mean what do you do when, when your professors' intellect is inferior to that of one of your best friends.

Nothing, just be proud and open your ears to all the wisdom and essence they're giving out.

I mean I've always heard college students set goals but she's pouring shots of 4.0's & really living them out.

She's just fascinating, flawlessly respectful with unparalleled intellect; if I ever have a daughter for her to be just like you is what I'm wishing.

Someone this great shouldn't required to pay tuition.

Einstein, actually that's disrespectful, Einstein Einstein Einstein, I just felt like I needed to say that at least three times.

She's so brilliant she could probably construct better poems than me with equations and numbers and just make all the 3's rhyme.

I should be humble but my best friend is just better, just in case you're feeling yours.

If knowledge is the key she's consistently swinging open ceiling doors.

So proud to call you my friend, counting the days til it's been seven years cause they say if you're friends for seven you'll be friends for a lifetime.

& I need that, my life is a game of who wants to be a millionaire and my Valentine is my lifeline.

People always say "Remember when we were kids..." And that's when I always space out, turn my attention to something else & avoid those memories.
Every time I look back to my childhood & my younger days ,I see some child that made my life worse than theirs, made my cuts deeper & now they're an adult trying to befriend me.
My Parents worked hard to put nutrients in my flesh, faith in my soul, & hope in my spirit rather than material on my skin.
Due to my absence of expensive earthly things they were brainwashed to cherish they treated me as if I had different feelings, different joys, different emotions within.
I remember I would hate being early to school because that was free time for privileged kids, free time for them to talk about my free things. My hand me downs and cheap garments from the flee store.
I'm a God loving Christian, and I don't look down on anyone I just think it's ironic how I turned out to be more.
Or is it ironic at all, I think not, karma is God's general and what you put out is what you will receive in the world.
You put out pain you get pain, spread Love and you get love, if you pass on a Cinnabon you can be sure as hell one day at your door there it is, back in full circle, a cinnamon Swirl.
So today as i look back on those kids that put a microscope on my un-athletic abilities, worn down clothing, and lack of attractiveness, I wish them well & greet them with smiles.
They've grown up to be with other kids that saw only the cover of someone and not the person, they've started families with two parents who don't understand the true value of a spirit & I just pray that characteristic isn't passed on to that beautiful child.

"Grateful Pain" -Dash Pinder

You know what I like?

People who don't discuss people but rather when they open their mouths there's a different vibe.

The questions they ask make you feel alive as you decide

Like "Do animals commit suicide?"

"Would you die if it meant your beloved could live forever?"

"Let's say you did , what if they didn't want to live because y'all were no longer together?"

Then that's the waste of a wish, I like people who think of that kinda stuff.

I say the cup's half full, you say the cup is half empty, & they're like "how deep is the cup?"

In my mind rests so many words of repent, of remorse and regret that never went through.

Times where it's been just Me for you, & I wish I could've explained how terrorized I am by the idea of living with another someone to lose.

Traumatic memories can lead to irrational caution, repellant actions that seemingly can't be prevented or contained.

Flashes of past nightmares during my happiest days, guess the losses of my Dad, brother, and cousin led me to push away sunshine filled companionship for lonesome walks in the rain.

My impulsive actions are precaution of loss, can't allow another person to mean so much to me, cause I don't think I can withstand another cut to my core that deep, it's still sore.

So because of that I feel less and fear Lord. Give myself excuses like "her parents made more." "What would she even look my way for?" Victim of my own my mind, holding my inner gentlemen captive to free an ******* and I push away the same girls I used to pray for.

Even though Bella's fingers fitted in between mines as if that's what they were made for.

I know there's no way to take away the pain I've inflicted just like I still feel the pain of my own losses.

Mature enough now to realize my methods were addled by fear & emotion, & if I knew where you were Kennedy I'd tell you how sorry I am, realizing that it was selfish of me to vacate unannounced just to be cautious.

Tears always consume me thinking about the well being of Imani & if it's my fault. Blunts darken your bright soul, stress has dampened your smile & I'm so sorry my behavior made me inconsiderable to come dry tears.

I'd tell Ariel she made me forget my fears, that everyday I counted the piercings in your ears, that my reaction was pure caution after discovering you had kissed him, & I felt a pain as if I had held you in your bed for years.

I'd apologize to Rachel just because, just for the mix up in a terrible time for her. Id tell Amanda that I forgive her for playing with my mind, for saying she wasn't ready to move on & then kissing him in a club. Guess she'd say I got attached to quick in attempt to sucker me.

But I'm proud of that due to my often and recent inability to attach at all, & I regret the day  Abbie looked me in my eyes only to see I couldn't say I loved her too, that no matter how many times she lifted me to my feet I couldn't force my heart to give her that luxury.

Every night when my spirits are low & my eyes close to watch horrors,  I just feel the tears in my soul filling up from the hearts I've broken because mines lay in fractions.

So to them all, the Angels sent to me as I stumble through hell looking for the next hand to guide me, my deepest apologies for the ache, for time lost, & any unjustified distraction.

It's 5am & Ive never felt more awake.
Every time she leaves, my heart she takes.
But she lays with me now & im drowning in excitement and joy.
My heart pounds and my stomach dances like a prom masquerade as if I'm a 13 year old boy.
I treasure these nights, & when God shuts off the lights, I know it's time for me to stare into those mesmorizing autumn eyes.
The pleasure is right, she holds me tights, & I dread her leaving again at the first evidence  of sunrise.

Isnt it amazing? We feel missing someone more than them being at our side.

The anguish of their absence invades our dreams & they're in our thoughts well before we even open our eyes.

Why aren't smiles more powerful than cries?

Because pain demands to be felt but you have to make the choice to feel your happiness or not, & you should soak it all up if you're wise.

We're only human, we're flawed, & those flaws cause us to lose humans who's flaws are invisible to our eyes.

I see others with pencils & mine is always a pen. I never get another write to make it right, why can't I be one of the ones that gets two tries?

Cuts heal & remain visible
At times you may not even feel kissable.
Latch on to faith.
in the line you're last so that it lasts, just wait.
truth hurts, but lies don't heal.
is it still a sin if it's your heart I intend to steal?
I'll gladly bite the fruit for you
you badly fight the truth, poor you.
Accept the pain, welcome the deceite.
To let them continue to hurt you is to accept defeat.
Stare at the angel in the mirror.
Release past demons & be born again purer.
you feel damaged. I see a soul seasoned.
It's usually the pains in life that come with the heaviest reasons.
stress no longer, ache no more.
Pack up the tears, & walk out the door.
One day you wake up & your hearts no longer sore.
I know this because ever since I've laid eyes on you, mines aches no more.

Calm down, calm down, your voice is raised but it cant get any louder than your beauty.

Calm down, calm down. Drive safe, drive safe, even when done having your fun & you leave I won't hate you, I won't ever see those flaws you see.

Wake up, wake up, no rush for me to wake up, your eyes hold the view of a sunrise that assures you the stories in the bible are true.

I know, I know, it's hard to have an undecided major, to not know where your focus is and on the other side all I'm studying is you.

So true, so true, our angels aren't always with us.

Sometimes, sometimes, it's just a temporary eutopia to answer prayers, It's just a vacation God gives us.

Just please, just please, be clear, be forward, be true.

Remember, remember, I remember your brain's scrambled, your heart hurts, just remember mine does sometimes too.

Seems we can unintentionally hurt the people that matter the most just by simply trying to enjoy life.

Confusion envelops my pleasures, what is Joy if not shared with someone cherished but yet to lie them under the knife?

The distance between us seems unconquerable as time trots backward and I agonize on shores clutching my chest where you once laid.

Irrational optimism assists my pain as the Aegean flows as a sea of regret from my eyes & I dive into my tears hoping to once again hold my mermaid.

I open doors & praise my Queen on my knees
If she were to ever stumble, in a dash, with the speed of a thousand horses I'm there to help her to her back to her feet.
I hold her so tight to my essence there's no room for other women to come in between.
A group of gentlemen in my generation is yet to be seen.
See me, I feel I'm the last of a dying breed.
I'm the guy that values her soul, her love over what she could provide under sheets.
& I'm the guy that gets ignored & written off. My generation of women are so blinded by their own aloofness they can't see I'm that man they're always complaining that they need.

In every single one of my Poems, I set a fire to my soul & hope someone sees the smoke.
& if no one lays eyes on my despair, I roll over into a Percocet induced coma & dream as I choke.
Send somebody.

I express what I'm feeling because to compress emotion is to request self destruction.
Say what you feel, share what you feel, there is no right or wrong, no proper instruction.
I release toxic emotions they poor out through vivid imagery & after I'm able to function.
My emotions blend together like a gumbo, one leading to the other & so forth, a fervent conjunction.

I remember that it hurt, looking at her hurt.
They saw what she projected,
But I just saw her.
Maybe I just saw a prize within her.
Most people buy diamonds,
I'm more of a digger.
I'd give her my all
just to wake up bitter.
Shot after shot she knocked me down and still I chased her,
I fell in love with clear liquor.

Bridges burn and hearts left behind on those bridges burn eternally causing a droughtful soul.
It's a realm where tears can't fall with out freezing & frost covers messages for help, such a doubtful cold.
We enter a drought and what a drought that is.
When you thought she was the one, when you though you were his.
Maybe God showed favor to me because he knows just how badly my scarrs have ached for no reason.
I sent prayers up not asking for much, just some help maybe, instead he sent me an angel to help me fight my demons.
Happened so swiftly, I can't even replay it, she descended down in a sizzling flash.
Because I fear she could be gone just as fast I take pictures every time she's around just to make the visual last.
None the less one of my greatest blessings came after my darkest night & im here to tell you it won't always be bad like you might think.
You're in that drought with your eyes wide open, stop looking. Sometimes the blessings just appear once you decide to blink.

I could no longer persuade myself to endure the pain.
I would drive a knife through my soul until it pierced the coldest edges of my heart so it would never beat again.
In my mind laid inestimable secrets, knowledge that bled from my romantic wounds & It would be selfish to carry this jewel with me to the journey above.
Previously abandoned by the soul I should be with, I felt my essence had been stolen, & as I laid on arctic rose peddles dying I now knew the answer to her repetitive question, "What is Love?"
Love is a gamble, a casino incased by a plethora of overwhelming emotions in which bets are not negotiable, you have to be all in.
You either win treasures you've only witnessed in fantasies or lose all that is you & fall into the darkest corners of your most horrendous nightmares & watch your spirit deplete from within.
Love is going to a restaurant & saying you're not hungry because you only have enough money for her to get every thing she wants to eat.
It's gazing upon God's greatest gift to me, drowning in those chestnut eyes, & to be hungry no more because the sight of her bliss is a taste that indescribably sweet.
Love is sitting and watching Pretty Little Liars when the second round of the NBA playoffs is on with the largest of attitudes & her happiness overwrites your own distaste.
It's not caring who's around, staring into her eyes like seeing my first car for the first time & never wanting to look away, to feel no shame to express my affection and gratitude for her in any place.
Love is a change of currency in which forgiveness becomes more valuable than pride, & sometimes even forgiveness isn't enough to cover the debt. Love truly is a gamble that can leave your pockets, soul, and amorous heart sore.
The absence of love can lead you to desire an absence from life, with knife in hand & tears of aura descending from my eyes I drive the blade through my aching heart & Strange, it hurts no more.

Love is.. -Dash Pinder

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The first one I want her to see, I want her to see that she's a walking portrait, a paint brush capable of painting the darkest skies blue.

That men close their eyes and dreams come through, and when they imagine those dreams coming true, they always imagine they're standing next to a woman like you.

Can you see the appreciation I have for your mom? What if I told you your mom went into labor for me?

Can't help but feel like you being born was God doing a favor for me.

Pains enter my life, they're agonizing and tormenting, then you show up and they cease from getting worse.

I immediately feel better anytime we're together. God is the ultimate healer & you work side by side with him, as far as I'm concerned you're already a nurse.

Absolutely amazes me that you've never been appreciated and beloved on Valentine's Day, a great guy is something a girl like you should never be missing.

I guess it's true after all, the richest treasures spend the most time hidden.

I have open arms for you & just like Waffle House they're never closing.

& scratch everything else, single and alive when we're 25 my hands are tied and I'm proposing.

Because when I think of all the characteristics and qualities of a wonderful woman they all belong to you.

So who ever you may marry will be an athlete in the best of shape, a benefit of constantly running home to you.

She seems like the one one one one every time I hold her.
These doors are usually slow to open.
& the locks don't change for no one.
You're like track, I need you.
A golden finish line I can't wait to run to.
Girl you're the one & ive been picking twos.
Keys under the mat, Im in my room.
I know you need to run run run run, girl run over.

I think she's 6'1, I think about her from one to six then six to one.
Ironically she exceeds the highest standards, the bar is set, key qualities she's missing none.
She's like when the cover catches your eye and all of a sudden you can't put down the book.
When she walks in the room I get stiff as if "Andy" was written at the bottom of my foot.
I've got a pretty cold heart but in the news they're always saying climate change is coming.
If only the weather man could tell me when she'll get here & how long she'll stay, I can't stop wondering?
The best things in life are worth the wait.
She needs to live some more, be free and soar, doesn't need more on her plate.
I've felt before but those emotions were killing me.
This? I could feel this for infinity.

I have some things I just can't get off my chest. There's no one to listen & you don't feel relief If you vent to the deaf.
I looked in my heart & there just isn't anything left.
Xanax covered in everclear closed my eyes then saw my own death.
Is this a puzzle? Is this a test?
Not sure but me losing this fight pretty soon is a good guess.

We're all born with dreams, with gifts, and passionate hearts.
& just like Bella we all often imagine a rice covered path to the finish line right from the start.
Some choose to lay their hearts open but Bella, she chose to lock it.
Some of us are born on rainy days destined to see grey clouds, some to stare at celestial sunsets; you're either born staring at a broken mirror or with a clover in your pocket.
She fell, stumbled, she couldn't control it.
The locks she had in place served no purpose, he charmingly broke in picking through her fearful security with warmth and stole it.
Sometimes burglars can be intruders that you want inside because being locked up alone is no life at all.
Life seises from being short when you're loved by someone, you don't feel time at all.
Well, actually, maybe you feel it all at once the day you stare into their aged eyes at a youthful fire, but you never hear the clock tick.
A life in love is truly a roller coaster, feels like an eternity to get there but once you fall, the thrill, the rush, flashes by oh so quick.
Poor Bella. She wasn't a believer in such a ride until she woke up a top that hill.
Realizing she was ready to dive, to fall and scream. Heart racing, palms sweating, she realized his deepest dreams had become her priority will.
Sadly, something happened as she stepped into that cart.
He had no interest in sitting next to her, he was on his own climb to an enchanting fall & he walked away crumbling her already fearful heart.
Bella wasn't born with the clover, she was born during the storm, born staring into the mirror and trying to ignore the hurtful cracks.
Be grateful if you're born with that clover because you're lucky & you have a chance. & if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet the person you love decides to love you back.

It heavily burdens my heart when I see people neglect and disrespect their parents.
Do you know the pain you'd feel if you were forced to live without them? No? Let me share it.
In a hospital that feels more Siberian than the rest, you feel your chest flood with boiling fluid & it feels like the entire world is sitting on your shoulders.
A pain you are coerced to endure, at the time of introduction the idea of it eventually passing seems impossible & you begin to wish your life was over.
That's pain because I'm absolutely petrified of death, I have panic attacks of my eyes closing never to gaze at daylight another day.
At this moment all fear vacates your core because you realize there is no greater threat in this realm greater than losing a parent this way.
Parent, Parent, I stress parent because this is someone that didn't just conceive you but raised you, structured your essence and identity with love poured into hard labor.
So when you're yelling at your mom for some foolish petty thing, earthly things in life that don't even matter, imagine staring at her with pain thriving in her soul and knowing there's not a thing you can do to save her.
Imagine having siblings, Seven older than you, all criminals and the worse of badly influenced adolescences. Imagine them all dropping out, nobody older than you graduates high school.
Imagine looking up to this at the age 13 & 14 selling drugs, carrying pistols and walking over people, inviting violence because to you this is what the ones you looked up to made seem cool.
Imagine how disappointed a God fearing father is of his sons, that they aren't off to colleges to glorify his name & bring joy and pride to his heart.
& imagine all of your siblings on the streets poor or in the confinements of jail, and you yourself gang affiliated when it's time for his soul to part.
Imagine staring into their eyes and regretting every argument, every disrespectful phrase, & you would give all these things up you thought you wanted just for them to have one more day.
Imagine your savior, your angel laying decaying and they feel no pain toward their own existence but the only thing that troubles them is will their babies be okay?
Imagine God stepping into your life, placing you in a better environment, purifying your heart, you become kind, loving, respectful, intelligent, everything your dad dreamed of, you bust your *** to be it.
Imagine being the first of his kids to graduate, imagine signing a division 1 scholarship, imagine being the first in the family ever to go to college & becoming an
All-American and your biggest supporter, biggest fan, the person that gave you the life you live isn't even there to ******* see it!
If all this isn't enough pain for you to realize how much you should cherish your parents, how you should appreciate any day spent with them over some meaningless party, how disrespect should never be catapulted in their direction, & how if it is you should immediately apologize.
You'll soon wake up and look at life different & cherish every single person you care about, cause on top of the pain you're experiencing at the loss of a parent, your pain will be oh so amplified when you have to hold the other parent for months and years whipping tears from their eyes.

"Losing a Parent" -Dash Pinder

Every night I dream I disappear into a sizzling flash.
I close my eyes to witness hell & When I awake the visual lasts.
Moisten the Percocets in evaclear and set them to a flame, we'll save the syringes for last.
How long can I last?
Time is not universally synced, my clock is ticking so fast.
We lie in the beds we make, i slumber on hot tar and blood covered glass.
Demonic tumors in my brain, a cancerous evil evaporating my will, I can no longer think.
Dry ice composed of pollutant codeine and pneumonia, I poison my own drinks.
Narcotic armor, my soul needs protection.
I think I've already died, my cameras no longer flash, in my mirrors I don't have a reflection.
Tears leave my eyes but it's been years since I last cried, I know there's a dorm for me in hell where I'll finally learn my lessons.

“Let me rescue you. I can see the truth. I can see right through the pain.”
The simple sight of you is soothing and that gift shouldn’t be hidden by tears running down your face.
To invest effort is to accept risk and even though your emotional stock has crashed your effort doesn’t go unnoticed.
You bought into a corporation that had no intention of reaching a partnership & you feel bad because you’re seemingly the only one that didn’t know this.
In agony you elude all conversation of investment because you simply desire to forget; you don’t want to hear that name no more.
You piece together astounding outfits to venture to bars and cloak the ache with a smile. You smile at me and hope I don’t witness liquor doesn’t numb the pain no more.
Shot. Shot. Shot. Emotional bullets are released to parallel the attempt of intoxicating wounds as you cry out for healing and memory absence.
As you scan social media it torments your mind & so everything good said about love gets your rejection whilst everything bad said gets your acceptance.
A tree never ceases to be a tree, the apple that plunges from it will always be an apple, cotton will always be cotton, regardless of the time or condition it will continue to be even and soft.
All that is beautiful in life is consistent, Love is the most beautiful and consistent existence in life, so how could Love ever be considered something that is on & off?
Sometimes we can become so devoured and muddled by what we want, we forget what we deserve resulting in us being hurt & that’s life, that okay to be.
“Take a look at me, I promise I will be, all the things that you wanted him to be.”

Something changes when the sun beats me to bed.
Numbers dance, scripts prance, & a masquerade starts in my head.
Traces of things I should've did, thinking of my tomorrows, my worries, what am I do?
Suddenly this party in my head seizes, music is silenced & the guests vacate once I see that "incoming call" from you.

Like, why? It's gotta mean something.

I'm color blind except for blue.
Poisoned from staring at those eyes on you.
It's gotta mean something.

My hearts beating way too much.
It's like anesthesia when we touch.
That's gotta mean something.

If you're in pain I bruise.
You've untied my shoes.
It's gotta mean something.

When I dream my dreams true
They always come true next to you
That's gotta mean something.

"Man I can tell you that's love."
"It's not even like that bruh."
Why am I fronting?

I dream we're on tracks under the sun.
& your kiss is just like that gun.
It's gotten me running.

It's gotta mean something.
Still I've said nothing.
Silently suffering.

"Can't fly unless you let yourself fall"
Meaning God's blessings can't get to you if you imprison yourself behind a regretful wall

If you want to a see a view, a peak, you have to be willing to run uphill & stumble sometimes.
I'm inspired every time me and you speak, & even though I can't tell what will, I know no one can get to you if you hide behind those rubbled love lines.

Can we get away?
Hop on a plane fueled by my avidity to gaze into those indigo eyes & "lay paralyzed next to me today.
We're so in sync we have yet to quarrel, lay in my bed & watch how I drop to my knees and for you I pray.
This sensation the miles can't separate, my twin in spirit it's implausible we were born on separate dates. I'm spinning in circles around Olympus on heaven's skates, my soul has flourished impatient & I can't wait.
Can we get away?

Three hundred sixty eight**, that's how many tears Iv'e watched descend from those titian eyes.

My warmth usually bakes her pains as I count her tears and scream silent prayers louder than her cries.

Dear Lord won't you curse her with an eternal smile, one that glints so brightly she'll look in the mirror & know he's not worth it, that one bad grade doesn't mean it's the end.

Are blessings possessions? Could I sign the rights to mine over to her Lord? because I'm so tired of watching life agonize my best friend.

To Love someone is to share a heart.

A mountain I simply couldn't hide from.
Even when you're running bases you've got to slide some.
I'll really open up for a second here.
I'm in the real world & she's in her second year.
Discrete with my private life because graduation doesn't lessen fear.
They could never talk to you so they in your woman ear.
I'm 22 making more than the average household median.
My hometown binge watches my life & students are reading in.
My phone rings off the hook and I'm feeding fake friends.
Im cut thin between safari and him & she's the only win that makes the bleeding end.
Six figures used to be the dream, now it's a step away and my closest friends aren't successful yet.
I love them so much I wager money on games, and then pray they win the bet.
JC called me that same night, told me he had an interview while I was on a corporate flight.
I turned off my overhead light & spent minutes praying he got every question right.
So In a period where I'm shining how do I admit to myself she's the brightest spot in my life.
So scared to step out of the darkness just to have someone take away my light.
If I ever fall so many people around me lose their fight
& I'm the type of person if theres nine people to feed I'm eating ninth.
I guess I really just have to think things through.
Because if you lose your dream girl you often lose your dreams too.
God, this position I'm in.
Sometimes the loss scares away the win.

As usual I awake, open my phone & observe a virtual world full of my peers Opinions.
But the things I'm seeing & hearing today, this time I can't sit back and listen.
When someone points out your negative habits, you rebel, utter "this is my life" & that's it. Nobody ever budges.
Same Love becomes legalized, & you're offended? People who feel so alone, now have some light shed into a tunnel of hiding and depression & I see a shortage on law degrees but an abundance of judges.
I've watched my generation, friends I've had from childhood drown and disintegrate in sin you guys praise, Hallucinogens, violence, theft, disrespect, *** antecedent to matrimony, all these things you same judges promote.
Now today, people with blunts in their grips, blood on their hands, with children despite lack of marriage, but more importantly people we allow to live their lives and be happy want to condemn others for being happy makes me sick, puts a disgusting blockade in my throat.
Gay love is love too & they deserve the same smiles you have. A gay woman once tutored me to pass a much needed course, a gay guy one returned my wallet when I thought I was surely going to hurt for weeks, I have so many stories.
God is the ultimate judge & we will all be judged for our sins. I just feel like there's so many things wrong with this world today, two people being happy should be the least of our worries.

Love Wins -Dash Pinder