Sometimes the war wounds on my mind can
**** up all the oxygen in a room
And suffocate all bystanders in its perimeter
But I’ll also drain my own lungs if it meant
The people I love won’t starve for air
I’ll fight in their battles even if it costs me my war
I know my heart takes patience
And time to get your bearings
But I also know I’m worth it.
Because my scars never grazed my ability to light up a night sky with nothing but a smile
My kindness and warmth towards even total strangers could never be squandered
My cleverness, my humor,
My unyielding resilience
The way I’m unapologetically myself
Without a care in the world of others’ perceptions
These are feats that shouldn’t be wasted on
someone who only looks at
my faults and shortcomings
And sees me as a walking inconvenience
Broken beyond repair
When I could be cherished by someone who
won’t bolt at the first dull rumble of thunder
But who will weather stormy days with me
And knows it’s worthwhile once the sun’s radiant beams peek through the clouds
Someone who deserves me
Not who deserves to lose me.

The melancholy melody that resonates
throughout every numbed neuron.
"Memories feel like weapons."
like anchors weighing down any sense of rationality
Like a drug warping the surroundings of my desolate reality
I cling to my arsenal for dear life
I reside in these recollections where I knew I was loved
Where I was cared about
Was valued
was seen.
Instead of the soul crushing uncertainty I reside in now
Where I get thrown back into frigid winds after finding
any semblance of warmth
Where loneliness still creeps in with company
when you have to question motivations
of every single action
but the memories are so enticing
Because all these questions are instantly answered
with the ghost of a smile
the remembrance of a gaze
of arms wrapped around in a tender embrace
and reassuring words.
But reminiscing quickly turns deadly
as the grief that soon follows swallows me whole
"Memories feel like weapons"

I am all too familiar an acquaintance with the shower floor
What once was my youthful escape from
The tumultuous beasts lying just outside the
Shower curtain
My favorite hiding place in a den of demons
Who were supposed to keep me safe
Have become a cutthroat reminder of
The soul reaching pain I’ve experienced
Underneath the endless stream of
steaming waterfall
Where my piercing screams of agony rang out
Once it sunk in that even the most convincing ruse of love could drown me
And leave me washed ashore with nothing but anguish choking my lungs
Where I had to watch helplessly as my contained ocean dotted with silky bubbles
Was overtaken by a tidal wave of crimson
That washed away a pure melody of laughter
That I never had the privilege to make
to my earshot
A pint size smile that never crossed my gaze
A love I will always carry but
could never give
What was once my sanctuary is now haunted with ghosts of grief
My once sweet escape is now what I’ll forever wish to flee.

I am not a laundry list of symptoms
Brought on by endless assaults of a developing mind
I am not the carnage left behind by all the people who have failed me
The complications in my brain in no way lower the scale of my worthiness
And I in no way deserve to feel as if my resilience has morphed me into
a burden to love
Because I have survived far too much in my quarter life
And I’ve been forced to become a warrior in a lifelong battle that I never wanted any part of
But I’ve never let the battlefield turn me into a pit of boundless bitterness
Instead here I still stand a beacon of light
A lighthouse in an unrelenting storm
Now the lights can flicker on occasion
But I always find a way to shine back through the sea of dark pewter sky and into my
ocean of optimistic empathy
And my light deserves to be more than tolerated
It deserves to be seen.

Your lips are maraschino cherries

Sickeningly sweet

Stained red with desire

enjoyed too much

And a stomach ache ensues

Yet I can’t stop eating.

M.

O.

M.

Three insignificant letters come together to form the benefactor of life
Except the woman who presented me life
the woman who was meant to put me above all else in this world
The woman who's job description was to keep me safe, healthy, and happy for 18 years
Gave up in 12 and declared me a burden instead of a child
When kids ditched school in fear of bullies lurking for their prey
I fled to the bus stop 10 minutes early as my bully stood at my front door
Waiting to pounce on me with her newest criticism
Trapping me within the 4 walls where Im expected to be safe
your home is your sanctuary
Protection from the everyday injustices that lie outside your fortress of familiarity
But 4 walls can hide the cruel truth
That my home became my penitentiary
I, the sole prisoner
Locked in with my ruthless warden
And sure I was given hot meals and a bed
But what good are hot meals when you're told if you eat you'll be round as the plate they’ve been served on?
What good is a bed when sleep is unattainable
Because your mind is circling through the endless verbal torture you've been handed to by the one who should love you unconditionally
And your eyes refuse to shut because you crave to delay the hopeless inevitability of a new day of torment?
And how are you expected to find worth in yourself
When you have been buried in the landfill of your creator’s unjust cruelty
and she can no longer tell the difference between trash and child?

For too many years I’ve been an unwilling host
To an invader inside my head
A parasite
See, the thing about a parasite?
It’s magnificent at hiding
It starts out small, undetectable
Worming its way inside your body, your mind
But this microscopic monster starts to feed off you
Eating away your existence from the inside out
Tearing through your flesh with its piercing teeth
Flooding your brain with searing poison
It releases its young to metastasize the damage
By the time you have an inkling of the war raging inside
This army has grown by hundreds, thousands
And they have nuked the battleground, leaving nothing behind.
My parasite may be called depression but it works just the same
Starting off in the shadows
Silently entering your mind
Feeding off your suffering
Injecting you with its lies
“You are worthless”
“You’re a burden”
“You don’t belong on this earth”
These lies grow in numbers, destroying every inch of happiness
Until you see the lies as truth in your corrupted lens
You are filled with an unwavering dread
Crippled by an interminable loneliness
And you are at the mercy of this ruthless being
Then you go days without sleeping
Days without feeling
Arms covered in red slashes to at least feel something
The world starts spinning faster, but you’re still stuck in slow motion
You want someone to hear your silent screams
But your presence has become microscopic, invisible
And how do you put into words what even you can’t understand?
So the darkness consumes you until you’re nothing but an empty shell
A ghost of a human being
Going through the motions of life while no longer living
And all you plead for is the pain to cease
So you drown in a sea of pills and pray it’s enough to send you into eternal slumber.
I may have raised the white flag on my battle
But I was saved before my soul could flee this earth
And I am grateful for each breath I still take
But this war is far from over
My parasite may have been pacified yet it still remains
Silently pulling the strings in the background
And each day I fear it will again grow too strong
And conquer the battlefield of my mangled mind.

A cheerful breeze bellows in my longing heart
A warm reminder of fading wounds
Wounds I formerly left raw and reeling
My hope emits sunbeams reflecting on the calm waves
Hope of my newfound strength that will conquer the waters once they stir again
And faith that I may become whole once again
I sit and think of my days as a trench
A pitfall of hopeless negativity
I look back to my sorrowful anger and smile
As my devastation became my strength
For I am no longer a trap for the pain to fall into
I am a mountain, standing tall and proud

I am in the midst of a roaring sea
Without a glimpse of solid ground
I scream for help but the waves fill my lungs with saltwater
And I’m pulled deeper into the infinite void of ocean blue
Every few moments a ship passes by
I give control to the current and flail my arms to the sky in desperation
But I have become water myself
Invisible in plain sight
How long can I keep treading water before I give up hope and succumb to fate?
My legs are getting tired of fighting this endless tsunami
While a school of piranhas nip at my feet
I can no longer keep my head above water long enough to take a breath
And I’m not sure I still have the desire to fight for life.

I've collected an endless string of bad decisions
Weaving and connecting into a strand of self pity
Entangling myself in my web of destruction
I have hidden the rope away in the dusty attic of my mind
Inhaling to haze the room so it may no longer be seen
But my continuous misdeeds have loomed over
my string has evolved into a noose
Unaware my own hands have done the tying
Suffocating anyone who comes in contact
Tempting me to seal my grim fate
I wallow in despair and wonder how this could have happened
and my stinging palms open to reveal the mark of rope burn
A rude awakening of what my choices have become
A reminder of the misery I have brought upon myself
But I will no longer be prisoner to the anguish of my past
I will no longer be oblivious to the impact of my actions
I will take back my tomorrow
and unravel the knot of my wrongdoings.

Sometimes
I wish I had wings
To soar through the sky
With infinite freedom
Leaving no corner of the world unexplored
Inhaling the purest air
Untouched by human corruption
Where I could weave through puffy white accumulations
Swim through the ocean sky
And feel the godlike sunbeams radiate
Through my skin
Come nighttime
I’d be swarmed by a sea of stars

I’ve spent endless nights tossing my body back and forth
Wrestling with my bedsheets
Dreading to unload all my burdens from my brain
Though I know it’s what I need to thrive in my new universe
My river of sentences run dry every time your face meets mine
I feel every bone in my body grow stiff
Paralyzed with fear
Fear that you may once again lunge at me with your sharp tongue
Piercing me with another agonizing betrayal
Leaving me in a pool of my own emptiness
for half my life, my mind has been in survival mode
Always slipping on eggshells
Horrified of what your waterfall of words will drench me with next
I’ve kept my lips glued
For if I were to fend off your Battalion of abuse
I would be shattered into a million pieces
But somehow, my words slip out better in prose
So maybe I should bring you onto my battlefield
And divulge the overwhelming burden your actions have placed upon my shoulders.

You’ve always had this perfect picture of my childhood conjured up in your warped mind
A ****** up fictional fairytale
But it’s time I popped your narcissistic bubble and enlighten you with the truth

Can you recall the day I stopped being girl wonder in your eyes and transformed into the problem child?
Because I can still feel the wave of pain radiate through my spine
As you shoved me to the ground in a blind rage over grades
I can still feel the stinging on my scalp
As I was dragged across the sandpaper carpet by every follicle on my head when I couldn’t give you the right answers
I can still feel the rug burn on my knees
As I was thrusted to my feet and struck in the face with a piece of paper
That would become worthless to you in a month
Did it feel good to you to terrorize your twelve year old?
As if a number on a paper meant more to you than the scars you were leaving behind?
That frenzied look in your eyes will always be engraved into mine
For it was the first time I cowered in distress from the one person who was meant to keep me safe.

Can you recall the moment you cast a shadow over me as I was choking on my own air?
My mind can still picture the smug smile on your lips as you uttered the word “pathetic”.
I get goosebumps on my arms from where your claws wrapped around me to yank me from solid ground
Your mocking laugh still echoes in my ear
Did it make you feel powerful to stand over me and cackle as I was desperately struggling to keep afloat in a raging tsunami of anxiety?


Let’s turn now to high school
The most impactful years of a child's life
When their confidence is as fragile as glass
You locked eyes with me and forever tainted my eardrums with these words:
“Sometimes I feel like your brother is my only real child”
I can recall the very second those syllables registered in my brain
it was as if you had snuffed out the flame of what little embers of self worth I had left
And I was thoroughly convinced that I no longer belonged in this world.
For how could I ever have a purpose when the woman who brought me to this Earth now regretted my existence?

Now this is not your full roster of misdeeds
For there are hundreds, maybe thousands of verbal assaults on my psyche that play on a loop in my mind every single night
And it has taken years to undo even a little of the damage you brought upon me
But when I look into your cold hazel eyes I will always see the avalanche of hurt you have caused
The countless days I locked myself in the bathroom praying that you wouldn’t get in
Every quickened breath I took and every time my body shook with terror
Every heart wrenching phrase that rings in my eardrums every second of the day
Every nightmare, every flashback
Every time I thought about dying
Every moment I spent wanting to end my existence when I thought my own mother wished the same
And maybe one day I’ll learn to forgive all of these things
But I know my brain and my body would never let me forget.