its difficult being without you
in ways i could never have thought of
in so many i am grateful
but in others i am destroyed
its you,
in the shadow of my psyche

maybe i found happiness in your smile
or the way you made me feel grounded,
the way you touched my soul
losing you is not easy
losing you is like leaving part of myself behind
but its that part i need to let go of
and in the act, i will grow stronger

is the decision mine or yours? because i’m unsure
bound by your expectation whilst trying to honour my own, its harder than it sounds
i feel the weight in my bones
what do i do?
what do i do, now

i wish i never let you leave me
i wish i talked you into staying
i wish i wasn’t so courteous
i wish i confessed my love like i had planned
instead i held my tongue
because
i knew you had made that decision
i knew i had done you wrong
i knew i wasn’t deserving of your kindness
i knew i wasn’t strong

something is missing
i can’t quite adapt
it feels as if i’m already dead just trapped loneliness kills but i think i was destined for loneliness
i don’t want you here
for a good time nor long
i want to go home
where home is though, i couldn’t tell you

I don’t know
Hidden in the darkest ignorance
Lord help me
Chant your holy name
Point me in the right direction
Chant your holy name
Establish a robust connection

I feel your love again

does it feel like a remedy, living without me?
or a constant reminder that you’re just like me

Soon you will feel nurtured
So strong and fearless
I promise I'll never hurt you
I will heal every wound
Pure hearted and restless
Just under appreciated
But I am here now
From my knee's, i bow

In a splash of sunlight through window panes,
we watch in grace together
Bright green eyes, light up my mind
I wish to gaze upon them

I watch her walk around me
Everything, she appreciates
I admire her world of wisdom
Teaching me to have space

We are all serving something
Be it external, emotional
We are all serving time, thus temporary

Eating away at our identity
These garments we call self
They’re nothing but illusory

I am born to serve
I am, Sat chit ananda
And the Lord’s arms is where i reside
For i am anything..
Anything but, temporary

Your pool of innocence, gets me
I wish I could say mine remains
But
I am broken
Pieces
Hide away the remaining
Pieces
For they are broken and meaningless

She who spoke with no love,
waited on external acceptance
That, it never came

She who found comfort in a shell
Delicate and golden, but unrecognizable
to a polluted mind

She who bowed to insecurity
Scoured and torched by internal pain
She no longer seeks to remain

And she no longer will.

To the one that has protected me
That feeling of relief
No more anxiety

Yet that feeling is so distant
Later came from a sister
Her descent crushed me,
It was like losing you
My protecter,
Unfortunately one that I hardly knew.

Feed me meaning and resilience
The bitter sweet,
Social validation
Creeping,
With thorns around my skull

Addicted to your thought.
Addicted to a corpse.
Addicted to the stories.
Feeling under valued
Like a statue, I feel it all

Today I surrender,
And set an intention.
Be wide open
to less,
Social Validation.

I don't why i punish myself
is it even punishment ?
am i being dramatic ?
is there parts of my past i don’t truly forgive myself for ?
i feel ****** up
i have ****** up but to think my life is not amongst the worst makes me even more depleted
..depleted, depleted
why should i be defeated ?
please help me ascend
i’m just a wounded soul, one of many
and i cant go round again

Poisoned eyes, mesmerized
By broken lies
Capitalized, magnified
In order to poison, eyes
We compromise, all this time
Repeating broken lies
Capitalized, magnified
In order to poison, eyes

Breathe me out slowly  
In your silhouette, I fall
Like your disciple
I’m not me at all
Words pull the trigger
To them, I’ll surrender
Begging for my mercy
Watch me at my feet

when the loneliness kicks in
i miss feeling understood

sometimes i look at pictures
some seem too ordinary
too ordinary, that i have to cry again

tears stream and never stop
my mind wonders to the past
the way you left such sweet remarks

i will never understand why you did
but i dont need to
and i treasure every gift

re read the literature that you left
it keeps me alive, in loneliness

Many moments pass me
And in a blitz I crave
Masking up the signals
In attempts to never change
But will it always serve me?
Only I'm to blame
Ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?
That, they will keep saying

please, anybody
listen to my troubles
pop them all, like bubbles
til i find a way out

in the highest tide
i never drown
but merely float
i am troubled now

so please, anybody
before i am too weak

Hidden in the center
Whole black flies
Their trembles linger
Until I cry

when fear is primed
i turn to wine
in a little time
i’ll have peace of mind

i am sober now
so i turn to food
just one more
and that’ll do

a craving hits
and i must admit
i kinda like
relying on it

because why else
would i be like this?
why else?

Witness wont you, pray for me
After seeing what I have seen
Dark shadows live among us
I prayed for them to be free

His words were something like “Pray for me”
But these, he did not say
“Get God on the phone!”
I begged inside my brain
But divinity, never received my calling
It was a lesson, i had to earn.

So now i say “Pray for me”
I pray, I pray, I pray for me

I dont believe in flaws,
its all as it should be
You wake to a busy mind,
but shes just where she should be
divine and delicate
...or...
impulsive and inadequate
which phrase will you chose today?

because you know now,
that its your choice to make