She who spoke with no love,
waited on external acceptance
That, it never came

She who found comfort in a shell
Delicate and golden, but unrecognizable
to a polluted mind

She who bowed to insecurity
Scoured and torched by internal pain
She no longer seeks to remain

And she no longer will.

Growing up all I wanted was to be pretty
My dreams and ambitions
Revolved around physical aspects of myself
I always told myself that I would be better if I was
Skinnier
Or prettier
And eventually I couldn’t tell the difference between
Want and need

I was convinced my depression would go away
If I was 100 pounds lighter
If my skin was clearer
That I’d be more talented if I was a size zero
Because then I’d be able to write about happiness
And someone loving me back
Instead of being sad all the time

If I could tell my younger self one thing
It would be that you were not put on this earth
Just to be pretty

So now I tell myself that I am brave
And strong and resilient
I lived through parts of my life that should’ve defeated me
But I’m still standing here
And maybe I would be happy if I was a size zero
But I need to learn what happiness feels like
Without beauty getting in the way