I remember the night I realized you changed
We were sitting on your bed together
As close as two people could possibly be
The comfort we had grown to know
was tainted by a strange unfamiliarity
that I did not understand
I turned to you
We were so close it was all just blurry lines
face to face I stared into your eyes
a deep brown comfort I had grown to know
had somehow changed
No longer bright at the sight to see me
The love I once saw had vanished
Darling, I could see the pain in your eyes
You knew how close the end was
though you tried to hide it
I could see the overwhelming dreams escaping your stare
The desperate longing for something more
I then realized the uselessness in trying to keep you here
You sensed my painful epiphany
and pulled me close
holding me in you arms
Suddenly I felt an unbearable pain
with a sinking stomach,
I realized that I was here in your arms
but we were already oceans apart
Your thoughts were miles away
and I could not reach you
I finally understood nothing could make you stay
You had already left

In that moment, what do you remember seeing?
       :My eyes were closed.
What do you remember feeling?
       :His hands. 

Tell me more about that?

       :Him touching me. His breath.

What did you smell?
       :Alcohol.

Where were his hands touching you?
  
       :Everywhere 

Was this on top or underneath your clothes?
       :Underneath.

How did it make you feel? 
  
       :Like a doll. Like I was a *** doll. A toy.

What if anything, you can’t forget about that moment?
       :I can’t forget how helpless and alone I felt. I can’t forget how long
        it felt.
Tell me more about that?
    
   :I don’t know… can I take a break
Yes
What happened after that?
       :I don’t know. I don’t remember anything after that. I don’t
        remember falling asleep.
Let’s talk about the following morning. Was he still on the couch with you? 
  
       :Yes
What if anything you can’t forget about the next morning? 
  
       :I can’t forget the feeling of waking up naked not knowing what happened. I felt numb and empty. I was alone in a city that I didn’t know. I
        remember looking at him sleeping on the couch before I left, I
        couldn’t believe he did that to me… I thought we were friends

I was never really afraid of the end... Rather I was afraid of the way I knew that you would pretend like we were never even friends.

I don't hate you
I hate what I let you do
the way I gave you control
I hate that I still care
When you don't think of me at all
Darling I don't hate you
Even though I try and make it seem that way
It's easier like that
To pretend I don't care
To pretend your leaving didn't hurt
But the reality is it did
It hurt like hell
It broke me
But even still
I can't hate you
In fact,
I am thankful for you
I'm thankful that you came into my life
And taught me how to love
You opened my eyes
And showed me who I could be
That love exists
That life has meaning
You helped me grow
And impacted my character
So how could I hate you?
When you taught me so much
It's true I still love you
It's true I still care
But how could I not
When you made me believe
In love
In a future
Even if
it's not with you

It felt so good
To slowly watch
As you slipped from my mind
Faded out of my life
As I gradually let go
Of you,
Someone I once begged to stay
now glad to watch go
And even though it hurt
It felt so good to finally forget
Now free to be happy
And live my own life
And no matter how much you meant
No matter how much I loved you
I'm finally at peace
And this is not to say
That I have forgotten
Because I will always remember
The beauty
The pain
The love that we shared
Yes I still love you
But I’ve learned to let go

A child of the Sun
      Her golden miracle
            The touch of Midas
                  like melted caramel.
She flows through your veins
      and seeps through your skin
            A breath of warm honey
                  I thaw once again.
She caresses your face
      leaving stains of rose
            With benevolent kisses
                  she dusts your nose.
Hair touched crisp
      by her scarlet aura
            Burnt orange hues
                  Warm curls of lava.
Through gentle strokes
      you paint my days
            with transcendent smiles
                  like soft morning rays.
Oh your sparkling eyes
      glazed in undying fire
            You are my sunrise
                  It’s you I desire.

Your eyes changed
just like the seasons
In the springtime
Your eyes were happy
Bouncing with curiosity
tracing my face
with innocent wonder.
As warm gusts of wind
thawed our frozen hearts
Beautiful buds of premature flowers
anxious to blossom
rooted deep into our souls
as spring showers nourished the hope
that something fresh would soon sprout
The excitement of new beginnings
quickly appeared

Summer came in the blink of an eye
a comforting warmth
enveloping us in a heated passion
familiarity cascaded over us
as we grew closer
spending every moment together
hand in hand
eyes warm and peaceful
endless clear skies
softly yearning for my touch
your stare was carefree
brighter than the summer sun
nothing else mattered
As summer faded,
a chilly breeze delicately brushed
our innocent faces
an unsuspected warning
of what we would become

Fall entered our lives
an uninvited visitor
changing everything
Your eyes changed their color
as life drains from fall leaves
the beautiful love
that once danced
in those deep brown eyes
soon faded
into dull emptiness
your love fell apart like the trees
becoming barren and empty
unrecognizable
Once full and beautiful
only fragile branches remain
skeletons of past beauty
a constant reminder
of what we had lost
your branches finally broke
out from under me
I guess I was just too hard to hold
yet somehow so easy to let go
and just like that, you were gone

As fall turned to winter
a cruel frost
swallowed the earth
mercilessly destroying
everything beautiful
that desperately tried to survive
My world lost it’s color
every sky turned to grey
your silence was colder
than any winter I’ve ever known
The bitter day I saw you
on that crowded street
your unexpected return
tying knots in my stomach
I didn’t know you were back
our eyes met
for a brief moment
immediately my heart sank
unprepared for the brokenness
I suddenly faced
Your icy stare
stirred a blizzard in my heart
swallowing it whole
destroying the smallest hope
that kept it alive
your cruel winter eyes broke me
They encompassed my soul
in a bitter ice
an everlasting winter
that will never meet springtime again.

Empty parking lot
So long, no real plans
An open ended invitation
I guess- Why not?
Keep your distance
Draw the line
Too late, too late
Red windows, white lies
the earth falls away
And there’s no one around
I waited too long
I can’t make a sound
My desires
Left to interpretation
Trying to scream
Lungs on fire
Surge of desperation
Muffled by silence

I will shed
All of this skin
Down to the
very bone beneath
If that’s what
It will take
To rid myself
Of your sin

I once believed
the beauty of the fall
Lies in the purity
The ease and simplicity
of loving the right person
I believed this wholeheartedly
Until I fell
only once
And it broke me
I Fell so hard and deep
For the right person
The most perfect one
Everything was so natural
So beautifully simple
But I fell too fast
I took a leap of faith
I jumped off the edge
Into the terrifying unknown
I was in freefall
As I watched him slip away
Into the blackness
Like a shadow
Without a trace
It was too late
I was already falling
Spiriling so fast
towards nothing
Slamming into the emptiness
Shattering into a million fragments
the fall broke me
it broke my spirits
My idea of love
Now,
Theres something about falling
That just doesn’t seem worth it

Your name,
makes my stomach drop
fills my heart with an overwhelming joy
initiates a peace within my soul
comforts me
I do not say your name anymore
for I can’t bear the empty feeling it brings

Our songs
fill my mind with happiness
a connection that only we understand
beautiful melodies evoking emotions
that never grow old
I cannot listen to our songs anymore
for it doesn’t seem right to hear them without you

Our places
secret locations that only we knew
are special
not because of the place itself
but because we are together
I do not go to our places anymore
because it was you that made them special

Our pictures
filled with laughter and happiness
that only we can remember
these moments are special
even if only to us
I cannot look at our pictures anymore
for the beautiful memories are too much to bear

Our love,
the easiest part of life
exclusive to only us
the most natural connection
unwavering and strong
I do not think of our love anymore
because I know the connection we once felt is gone