It’s difficult to look outside of my my-
-croscopic lens; it just feels like a job

to never have to consider who is
an actual person that should matter to

me. It’s an almost impossible trick,
that only me and most other adults

can forget how we felt growing into
a new body, how we forget ever knowing

We're just like everyone else who also thinks they
aren’t like everyone else because they didn’t have
someone to hold their heavy lovelorn child-hearts.

Broke as hell
Blue light eyes
Pity be pity see
Pushing till they pull
Color coded notes on fire
Scholar of all that is okayish
Handicapped lockjaw zombie
Swimmers in the styrian river of Dante’s Inferno
A stop sign growing in the middle of the street
Thousand yard letter grade stare
12 missed assignments
Experienced Naivete
Dementia in progress
Last year’s Amnesia
Crossing busy streets
Vegetative

Little did he know
How small I wanted to look
Shrinking into the corner and atomizing my existence
Failing to climb the mountain of expectations
Falling with my eyes closed
Shutting my hands over my face
I can’t look him in the eyes because his hands
closed over mine like I had just died
And as I laid in the funeral casket hands flat against my sternum
The lid closed before he saw
I’ll never see him
I don’t want to
How tragic
I’m running a never ending race
Just to break my legs before the finish line
I’m the crumbs beneath his fingers
Only his
I want him to see me but not see me
I still want him
To talk to me
Just not now
Or later
Or ever
I’m too busy licking envelopes with letters
I’ll never send
And that i’ll never want him to read
Or know of
I’m so sorry

I was told I didn’t need to know the Ingredients
For making a child with a heart of Gold
That they were born holding a Medal
Which said they owned everything and All
Of it was because they had convictional Purpose
The doctor would cry and bring a rose Flour
To thank the mother for Baking
An excellent batch of babies, Soda
Would be poured in champagne glasses, Salt
Sprinkled a top its head to spread like Butter
The flavours of intellect and it also Softened
The hearts of others around; old wounds Granulated
Smelled like caramelizing Sugar
Inside the room, the bodies Packed
Together to peer at the Brown
Strings of hair atop the child, who’s Sugar
-like shrieks of life broke open the Egg
Of love and made it taste like Vanilla
Its tears looked the most Semisweet
A dripping fountain of Chocolate
Fondue, be careful not to Chip
The teeth when it grows, it will grow Coarsely
Then, like jagged pebbles Chopped
With a dull knife; finally, assemble the Nuts
And bolts tight because this will hurt ,if
Not properly done, or simply toss away if the kid wasn’t desired

I-
-want to say-
-something-
but i-
-to talk to you-
but i-
-thinking about thinking-
-too- because i-
-think-    -much-
-i meant too much-
but i-
-m just a ******-
because i-
-don’t know what to-
but i-
-see you walk away-
because i-
-didn’t- -opened my-
dumb mouth
but i-
sit-
next to you- -so close-
because i-
-want-
-want,want,want-
I really want

-talk to you-
but i-
-stumble, fumble, tumble-
over words-
-because i-
No- -i’m not-
-really-
but i- -i’m not lonely- -because i-
-convinced myself 15 different times-
-with 15 different excuses-

…

-so what-
-if you walk away-




I’ll talk to someone else.

My mind whirls in never-ending revolutions
Searching for something to put into a physical form
But to no avail.
A deep maelstrom, ******* in, but never putting out.
Seeking to manifest, yet without means or material to do so.
I wonder stuck aloft inside my own brain.
How.
How do I do this, I think, brooding over my own thoughts.
Sentence after sentence and nothing appears.
A terrible curse entrenched in my head
And benumbing my very process of thought.
The Energy of a supernova spewing out an inordinate amount.
I need to transform it,
Put it into production,
Set it to work so I don't perish along
With my own shortcomings and flaws.
Still, no matter how hard I stress my mind, I’m left with nothing.
A veritable nothing.
What am I to do
What do I do-

Crawling out of my mouth from whence it peeks out from under my tongue
The teeth bite with metal sound upon the spoon
Slipping in my stomach the slime
I decline the double bent fingers you lend
Hearts wretched cavity lying in my throat
A gnawing grip at my temples unable to free last night’s tears
The clink of teeth and spoon grinding at each others hard skin
Shrink from my eyes the blur of the past year
Tempest toss screaming from inside my brain
blue white radiance gleamed violence and heat
scorching undeserving thumbs from sad hunched men
In Dark Rooms they count down the time
Until their lover’s friends reach immutable verdict
Guilty of High Crimes Cried In Unison
By testimony of your heart
I sentence thee to fractured living and eternal wandering
For the **** of emotions and time
Never to feel passion or intimate soft hands
Tilt your face to the ground for the light does not touch you
Bring your knees broken on hard pavement
I feel your loss
Blood filled stuffed animal
Bleed out of ego
Falling out of your body
Hands Clasped together and heads touching
Clear that the abuse comes from my white knuckles
Now twist your spine ten-fold
Living in hypocrisy the mirror says
I know not the right path
Leave me be as my unhuman person
Feeling for the oozing viscera out my pores
Claws mark me into confusing messes
Snap the connection
The Black blackens against the brackish water
Wading further down the sand grips at my heart
Crystalizing it so that It may be transfixed into something
living.

Drink my blood like cider
The ochre goes red
Outside my skin to
Deify the god inside
Ill vie for your minimal
Mulling over the caramel
Affection with the other men
Who came before all the same
But please gratify me to ease
My fears which stand like trees
Get me high like reeling teeth
Which seeps silt and sifts sand
O, I turn yellow with an ill
Sour piano trillo
Allow me to try my size
With lies my swallow belies
But swallow a swallow
And my stomach ***** open
Wide for you to titlelize
O, I try and try, but
You are wont to die
By my shy crime
So, I’ll go like the sweet
N-low in bad coffee
You spilled for me
And the rain will tear
My mother always told me so
One day, i’ll know
The way your lips mouth no
Now, wipe my tears dry
Sing ‘til I die
Then linger once more
In mind and memory
Loosely flows tomorrow

It’s a perfectly dreamy day to disappear
The streets are quiet, and the sky’s cloudy
No one’s around, but that doesn’t mean it’s empty
There’s light in the air, just enough of it
Concrete ground scrapes the bareness of feets
A mirror pool reflects an image of self
At least what appears to be a self
Different but still very familiar
Backlit by the grey clouds
Pierced by this slender monolith
Broken by these glassy ripples
Dark silhouettes dance on black canvases
The dry wind mimics them but stumbles through hair
Who said anything about being outside?
The ceiling filters light through a window
Dim metallic light which hugs the body
Into a feeling of half-closed eyelids and irreality
There are human-sized holes in the walls next to the black paintings
leading into dark deep caverns
Where the air runs like stale sandpaper against the gums of my teeth
And the animal scampering echos off invisible walls
The blackness slurs its static noise
A cold command forces obedience
Look back at the holes.
Look at how they change every time eyes blink
Look through the shadows which curtains the door
Look and tell them what you see
L—

I
It’s not what you and I expected
The opposite actually
Nights are a lot darker out here
The dozen spindly legs of insects crawl
Across my foot to prey on some poor roach
But I still talk to you when you aren’t listening
Out past the fields of nothingness and livestock,
Where the car headlights freeze Armadillos
And crack their shells like eggs in a pan
I will wait for that day
The day you come to me and I tell you
That dream still waits for you

II
I can’t drive without grimacing
The roadkill piles atop each other
Deer, boars, Coyotes
When it's all done
They leave the same red mark
You probably don’t see this in the city
The black eyes of an animal punctured
By a white gem-like dot shining
Before sunrise, the body is coated in fresh dew
I’ll stay where I am, waiting for you

III
There’s a dysfunctional couple
that fights upstairs above me
Nearby the cars race for their kind of high
The backlights behind the building of a restaurant
Makes its way around the corners of my walls
I thought I saw you, again
Looking from outside my window
Walking past me on the sidewalk
Opening the door from within my closet
Listening when I wasn’t talking
Did you see me break glass at my feet?
The hydrogen peroxide sting reminds me
To remember you once waited for me

I am from incense
From water and candles
I am from the three prostrations
needed to enter the baai san (prayer room).
(cold, smooth, watchful tapestries)
I am from the pecan shells, the tree whose nuts
and leaves left small hills of muddy layers

I'm from ginger to contacts
From Ly to Tran
I'm from the headstrong
and the never-wrong
From mou jung! (useless)
and hou gaawi! (how obedient)
I'm from Nama Amituofo with Cha Lua
and Taking Refuge in the Gurus,
Buddha,
Dharma,
and Sangha

I’m from Sugar Land and Bellaire,
2% milk and Pork Sung sandwiches.
From Dad forcing my brother to stare at green
to fight our genetic astigmatism
to Mom making us chant mantras
with rosary beads on the way to school

In the neighborhood pool,
I pushed away floating junebugs
I am those moments—
Chalk on the cul-de-sac

In April, when the sun colors spring

Tragedy had befallen me

As I met you under that moonlight song

By the purple lilacs, we danced so merrily along

They say ignorance is bliss

But how can we ignore that cat's hiss

My dear, whisper one more time

Over the fence to the other garden

Oh, that lovely goodbye

goodbye