I sat down by the tree in the center of the cul de sac and I stared straight ahead for what seemed like days. There was a brand new mailbox and front door, but my ten year old handprint is still on the driveway.
My favorite dog, Louie, used to lay on that windowsill and patiently wait for me to come back from school, and behind that front window was the formal dining room where my dad first taught me how to play pool.
Just behind that was the kitchen where Momma used to make meat patties and gravy, her hands covered in flour, and the upstairs middle window was where my sisters and I used to argue over who was first in line to shower.
The upstairs window on the far right was where my neighbor used to throw small rocks to get my attention. Eight years later, that friend is now in a cemetery and I think about him and his family more than I can even mention.
The memories of my entire childhood are embedded into each brick of this two story house in Candlelight Hills and knowing that my white picket fence past is now nothing but distant fond memories gives me the chills.
These walls in front of me shaped me into who I am today and as I sit here on the curb reminiscing on my own, I know in my heart that no matter where I live or how many years pass, this will always be my home.
I STILL EXIST- I STILL EXIST My pen writes I still Exist
and an empty feeling engulfs me I am painting a purple tree I tell my family counselor That the paint reminds me Of arsenic Greek cheese dust That a human predator two faced fiancee placed on my green salad in 1976 He said he would teach me how Greeks killed with love at sea Then kindly offered To bring breakfast and lunch for me in bed (Ladden with poison) While I ate it he danced Zorba the Greek! His jealous raicist medeas mistresses knew his past crimes I didn't I was very naive his superstitious ignorant parents twelve people asked him to Get rid of me baby and all
Overdosed with pitocin for a cow giving birth was a torture then blood thinners were added to slowly end my life A hate crime because I a sub human born in Mexico not Greece The poisons caused a chest malformation of my daughter requiring surgery later in life was mis-diagnosed as pectus scavatum but I knew better it was attempted ****** a chilling secret I was so ashamed to reveal
I did escape my kids and me we survived the memory of my true love's loving ways In America saved me from certain death there I was 75 lbs When I escaped Hell Greece But salads gave me Nausea through the years I could never recall why
Painting gets my mind Off painful memories resurficing examining my life understanding me and others
I have many regrets unwittingly my loving innermost feelings remained trapped inside and I lost my true love in my dead calm silence of pain Foolish online Ink One involuntary bad deed In Veracruz Two SAD songs
My shrink says I have a beautiful Soul a relentles spirit That I managed to do better then Most despite hellish adversity A childhood marred with heartbreak a trail of Graves tree stumps Coffin and treassures Spirit breath of life and death
My hybrid race was secret Poverty lack of Rhogam My father the Apocalyto Hero killed by MEX Feds Who stole my Land We are indigenous Purhepecha tribe The enemy of the Aztecs So me my father's little queen of the forest his STAR could Fly high and zoar He was the love of my life My dad David
A few days of effexor RX can bring about amnesia to block old kidnapping memories of turture resurficing unsolicited Effexor to stop tears regulating serotonin disrupted After a car accident with traumatic head injury concoussion brain swelling so much that falling asleep for three months was impossible
MD prescribed just a trial few warp eight mind bending Effexsors serotonin reuptakers For only fifteen days Half of thirty seven mg Tears stopped immediatly a calmnesss self assured old me demeanor re-emerged I remember the arsenic and blood thiner injections the faces of sadistic jealous women but it didn't hurt
But soon my heart began to speed up so fast I could hear it beating in my ears at lowest dose
so the higher dose was not allowed. Side effects if used longer than six months could make the face to twich! who needs that!
So therapy ended slowly redusing small to smallest dosages for fifteen days treatment ended Don't like messing with my brain
Today I enjoy simple pleasures echos born like me in In the atlantic mystery
family time my lifetime best best lover best Mother nest friend to me myself Remembering those few Souls Who deared greatly their wisdom and foresigh to bet On my future my light myself! my father's little Queen of the forest tribute to My Once Upon A Time True love his love songs His poems quickening me Awaking me He was the love Of my life my true love JPC/RC
He showed me he loved me But he never could "tell me" He loved me all my fault Thinking back not ever any other man told me he loved me one or two boys wanted something from me freely given or taken by force from me I didn't want them at all No person growing up Ever Told me they loved me and most showed me my life didn't matter many of my civil rights were violated throughout my life by thugs hainas had more charm Only my father David San chez and later my adoptive Mother mommy dearest told me once she loved me showed me she cared. My children tell me and show me They love me Sometimes they hate me too sadly they are under the spell of deadly sterile drug user enemies who assassinate my character lie and slander me to my grown daughters and I have now become estranged until they figure all out on their own so they learn to fight woolves in sheeps clothing and understand treason and ungratefulness towards their own mother There was only one man I loved The MOST on this whole wide world His ink scripted love remained the good intermigled with evil Forever a part of me My Lord Shiva my first teacher My sage my guru My Lancelott Me first love my last love my tree of life he was The only man I ever loved and lost Looking back I thank G** King Jesus King Arthur And few other men who Traveled in and out my door Only one had my lock's key I am glad you came along I sing this last song In memory of all the good The bad and very bad The few nefarious vipers I kissed I forgive you all forgive you me for NOT Understanding you For loving those fellowmen Who didn't know how to love me back I wave my last Good bye I Will In your light and my own Pray for you and me
As for the love of my life "You are like a prayer In church to God" "I remembet you, as someone something VERY DEAR and precious" You were the Best You touched my STAR And my starry skies sparkle With your light remember me in the same light my love Look me up with your telescope When you watch the stars From your sun roof In your bedroom
Find my Aries Constelation For there is My home Without You I've taken with me a piece Of Veracruz A Mothers Day surprise at the Hilton raised in your arms on a warm June at a bar Where i felt like a bride your bride
I almost asked you then and there to throw a big party for you and me But the monastery's dead silence Growing up isolated Silenced the spontaniety Of thought you required of me yet again!You regressed me you tried in so many ways for me to tell you "I love you I am sorry I'll marry you!" All over again I adored you remember this Always.
Look me up with your telescope I AM in The Aries Constelation I am Aprils daisy Aries diamond a Yelow Self Existing Star says the Tzolkin Star Seed Galactic seed always flowering....Enter me Yours Always. ~~~~~~~ Revised 11-29th-2018 Excerpt from my memoir auto biography ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
I was a thought in my mother's imagination when you were in your prime and now that I'm in mine I need you back more than I need mine. You would've known what to say when that man entered my sacred space. Can you believe they haven't figure it out yet?
Whitney you danced for you and no one else. No one could love you like you did, not even your devoted fans. You let no one call you broke and call you a crack fiend. Instead you powdered your face and continued on with your day. But baby yours isn't translucent.
Sister Houston you died when we needed you most. It was you who could lift every voice with just yours and sing for all the colors in the wind. You left me all alone before I got a chance to fall in love with your overbearing spirit. There was no room left in my body for God after I filled myself with hate.
Whitney I never learned how to love. I tried listening to the legacy you left on my iPhone and reading articles on how to be better. I been screaming for somebody's love for so **** long that I'll dance for anybody. In this story, I've become you Whitney. This is The Bodyguard now and ol' boy from Field of Dreams is coming for me. To you my love, if you build it I will always love you.
And lastly Whit, what's the afterlife really like? Is worth it? You know, leaving me behind?