All i do is take
take take take
i cant help it
im just a ******* hole to **** all your energy
i did not realize i have this effect on people
this made me realize
i am better off alone
doing nothing but stimulants and writing pretty words
for people online who don't care

Oh i'm really done
done done done
i try every single thing
i beg and cry just to try help you
the 7th or 8th time i tried to call and fix this
talking to you was like talking to a brick wall
you didn't go anywhere
you found new problems
i say i can fix them, or try?
No she wont let me
okay, i'm done

might only feel like my life is over
i know yours is still moving, so so so fast

im stagnant
i am stuck in quicksand
and i only like to thrash around and go deeper and deeper
until my head is under the surface and there is nothing left but silence.

when i'm feeling down i end up on here
typing out what i can
from the flurry of emotions and words
intertwined together in my head
they'll all be gone soon
only if i am lucky enough

Something about childish love
playing with your hair, holding your hand
makes me feel full again
laying with you in a field
watching clouds
will forever be warmer than anyones insides

This time
it might've been real
she might have actually left me for real now
and i'm so scared
but i'm so high i don't care
once it leaves i am rushed
with emotions that were absent when i was in the clouds
I'm still gonna miss her too much for my own good
i need some downers

Broken clocks
times stopped
memories preserved in anger
feelings never fading
physical attraction absent
lust to learn how you
love now

I know it is not going to help in the long run
but at this point i just want to feel good
i want to take my mind off things
hopefully i forget and she forgets too
this burns the bridge i always wanted to have built
i can never go across it again
i have put the final nail in the coffin
no looking back now

I want to Tatt
a Halo around my head
so i remember that i'm an angel

I feel like i know a lot
but i don't know
what day it is

nodding off opiates i want a ****** girl who isnt afraid of the void like me
she knows what the ground feels like and we can lay there together
without a responsibility in the world
companionship is all we need to get by in this world
this version of us is not the most beautiful
but it is the one that we are stuck in

so lets leave together while we feel the most connected
she needs to know i was one of a kind
never to be seen again
in the sunlight or the moonlight
only in her dreams will i live on

Memories
forever
only as long as i can remember
it starts to get blurry and i'm breaking down
i don't want the last thing i had of you to be irrecoverable
devoid of meaning
lost within the confines of my brain
ruined

Our energies peaked together
not on this planet but somewhere far away
something a brain like mine could not comprehend
it is beyond the third dimension
its beyond thought and logical precision
it is simply, magical
i feel that energy intertwine and something keeps me calm
even when you are very very gone from my life
i can feel your energy wrapping back around
tapping me lightly on the shoulder, letting me know
the short time we both spend here on earth
is overshadowed by the eternity we get to spend together after our lives are done and over with, when we get recycled by this earth
our souls get to cross again
i will be waiting.

Voices right around corner
conversations just out of reach
barely audible arguments to take up the
every bit of silence
fabricated by self
consistent
footsteps from nowhere
within an unknown setting i would be
driven insane with
gossip from the dome

I'm sorry that i had to start today on a bad note but
words just start overflowing in my head
and i want it to stop so bad
i meditate sometimes, but not enough.
i want it all to stop
just make it stop.

i hate worrying people i dont want anyone to care
can they just forget i exist
i want to be gone from their mind
read my poetry
listen to the songs i made
all while i was breathing
i wanted something to outlive me
what better than melodies and words
vibrations i send out of my mouth stay stuck in your head more than
my physical appearance
i had alot of words in my head but they never came out
not around you anyways

The more you complain about
your imperfections the more
i fall for you,
scars upon your skin are glimpses into the life you've lived
longing for the stories you hold
what made your soul so peculiar
it crossed with mine

I not only have frustrated my inner soul
i feel i have caused an echo
from the one decision i made two nights ago
a shudder tingles my spine
at only the thought of it coming to the light
like a butterfly effect
i don't think the consequences will show themselves
for years to come

Euphoric escapes from reality
in a small apartment locked away from the world
were all i lived for early on
now i see the terrifying loop of addiction
individual, beautiful souls
losing themselves to substances
fear of death is no where in sight
oddly, the lust for departure from earth
is front and centre in their mind
death has become a beautiful idea
for kids

i am so happy with my progress
you left me hopeless and helpless
i felt empty like my ribcage had been yanked out
but i feel better again
my heart has cooled down from the intense flames of our love

i have cooled down and i think i am almost ready
to fly high again and float weightless
in love

Lately i have been getting visits in my dreams from the person
i sought the most
but it wasn't a blissful loving euphoria
it was an update on you
it was my fears made real by the molecules
swishing around in my brain

i know they are just dreams
but i feel as if they have really happened
that i deserve some sort of closure
but i do not
no, i really don't

Lay here with me till i die
please and thanks love

i know it seems like it but these are not cries for help
i am so content here
this bottom for most people
is my home
i feel better here
nobody bothers me or expects anything of me
they know i am hopeless
i skip daylight
streets are nicer when nobody is walking on their sidewalks
no cars in the street so i lay inbetween intersections
music playing so loud if a car was coming i would never notice

I already hate myself for the things i do
their not good for my health
but they feel so good
no matter what
i find myself seeking out the substance to bring me up to the clouds
the change of character that comes with them
the confidence they bring
it's lovely
words are easy, songs flow out like a river
this feeling won't last
the ideas only exist under the influence
rinse and repeat

i hope they take me while i sleep

i wanted a safe space and i found out too late
that my safe space was never safe at all
you were reading all my words as i wrote them

its a never ending story in my head
nodding off somewhere but through all the euphoria
inbetween consciousness and unconsciousness
your voice stays clear
memories stay vivid
the car you left in the last time i saw you
it's every where when i go out
i know you have someone who loves you now
you deserve it
i deserve the ground

I'm sorry emotions take over every time we talk
i can't hold anything in
i'm dramatic about everything
i dont wanna be alive anymore
i have never felt more comfortable with the idea of bleeding out
in my room while listening to good music

I don't get it
i stood still for so long for this to work
finally we might have the timing right,
so why do i feel like this one is amiss too.
I can feel your love, it feels real this time.
I just don't know if i can say the same about mine.
I'd hate for you to read this.
I promise i love you like i always did
but i think this affection needs to be from a distance.

i dreamt you had a journal
lined paper and black ink
my name written in bold
sickly words scribbled across
Sick and Evil
Sick and Evil

You do not have to forgive me
but i forgive me

i dont know you and you dont know me
but we can make this small room feel so serene
taking x and benzodiazepines
our brains melt away with so much ease

your not the one for me as i am not the one for you
but tonight we can make it feel like eternity in this room

ecstasy makes me so comfy
but it makes me wanna touch your hair
and you will never be around
so i just listen to music
and think about you
because it feels really good

Oh, how lovely death looks
romanticized so much by the destruction i set upon myself
step by step i yearn for pain
the only feeling that is undeniably real
without the pain i would feel nothing at all
without the drugs
everything is hollow and my brain rots from broken relationships gone astray
once my plug texts back i'm back in the loop
no thoughts
no pain
no worries
empty
Death looks lovely now

The party is over, music has stopped
and all i can hear is the cries of a young girl whose heart
had just been broken
bright lights shining down on my dilated eyes
slowly coming down from the sky
body still tingling
feeling your body resting on mine, a glance
at the blue sliver of iris sitting beside the black void
that was your pupils, she is the epitome of beauty for me.
Down goes another one for the lovebirds
back to the clouds
^^^^^^^^^^^

yeah i'm really high right now
a ouija board said i would die in September
so i will sleep on the floor
because i like it here
i like fogging my brain with chemicals

i wanna meet you at those pearly gates
i know we loved in another life
i wont be afraid
we all go in the ground one day.

Drugs on the nightstand
i feel dead
but your alive for me
do you want to feel like me?
take one or two and we can spend
forever together

I think the moment you find something that makes you happy without even trying, you had better follow it to the end of time
with enough energy you put into your passion
you will make this version of our universe your *****.

i hate that you lied to me
and you think you got away with it too

if i ever see your face again
i am gonna look right through you
like a ghost

Back to trying to write,
trying to write poetry, while i hear music in my ears
i can see myself creating a song
or at the least, trying to.
I'm worried my music wont
make any noise.
I'm worried it wont make people feel the way i feel
thats all i want, i think i could do it in poetry,
now i just have to find out how to do it in music.

I can still see exactly what you were wearing
the day i finally got the courage to talk to you
the necklace you wore was enchanting to me
but it was probably just the skin underneath it
hard to converse with you in the beginning
but i figured out how to get you to talk
i loved your voice so much
all i hear in it now is the animosity
that occupies your image of me

You worked hard to earn the life you have now
many nights crying yourself to sleep
i dont have to be there to know we both did the same
many months have passed and now you have a new life
a new safety net
i had one for a minute too
it does feel lovely doesnt it
to have someone else's attention?
i know you're blissful right now
arms around eachother
lips interlocking before bed
you earned it
i denied it
i held onto hatred and pursued you further
you were planets away, emotionally.
To you, never seeing me is the best scenario

ditto

i love the way your eyes look inside me
like they can actually see me

i haven't felt like i exist in other peoples world but my own
it is like the universe sent me you
so i can remember what it feels like to live

Need a break from airheads
empty people with empty words
nothingness to fill the void
Melodramatic emotion pumped teenagers
latching onto anything
i hope they find themselves soon enough

looking back in time, only in my mind
i can smell the day i was in, feel the wind by my side.
the sun on my back, walking through back trails of a small
forest with my friends, looking for a place to smoke ****.
ironic right, but i never thought about how time pasts,
i felt like those moments would last forever
but now i'm further away from them than i have ever been
and all i can feel is a somber Melancholy that i am ever so used to

I'm never gonna delete those memories,
no matter how much pain they cause me
as i scroll past them in my camera roll
it does not matter.
i will hold them close like my first born
because i never want to lose them
like i lost you

i cry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry


how do you move on and im still crying

tomorrow my brain might hurt
come downs ****
but the ups are so worth it

She said i would manipulate her
i didn't have a clue what she was talking about
but i think i do now
i sometimes blow up with a lot of emotions
and may have given her guilt to stay
which in my head, disgusts me
why would she stay with a person like me when i do that
i cant hold my emotions in check
so my emotions swayed hers
and made her do things she didn't exactly like
like making love to me.
I wish she had the strength to yell at me
and tell me how she really feels.
it could have saved us from times like this

I wanna fix everything i did
the stuff that nonchalantly came out of my mouth
was the loudest for you
i'm sorry i was oblivious to your suffering
you hide it very well
i wanted nothing but to help you figure life out, just as i am
but there's nothing i can do now
i hope i can treat my next love
with the love you deserved
i'm sorry, i love you

i embarrass myself too much
i looked like a ******* idiot
like being on my hands and knees pleading for someone to come back
someone who doesn't want to come back
someone who i know loves me and has my best interest
but can never come back into my life
it is truly better that way
they know it and i know it too

we both knew it too well
those last couple nights we both felt like we were in limbo
nowhere to go
stuck

running in circles because our lives have very different paths

Young teenage Love, Real Love
which inevitably means your first real heartbreak
love is real and it only took me 17 years to find someone who i loved and who loved me
someone who loved me enough to realize being together was not healthy for each others future
love comes and goes like every other emotion in life
but i'm too young to know if their name and face will ever not make my stomach turn sideways