i feel like i am circling the drain

corny and cheesy
i loved all of it
the idea of you staying. .  
constant
permanent

i think we fully believe it at least once right
fool us once shame on them
but twice ?

even as i cough up blood
i crave nothing more than a cigarette and a good song
im scared because nothing gets me worried anymore
i always knew i wanted to die but to be faced with mortality
and not flinch
is weird, even for me

i dreamt you had a journal
lined paper and black ink
my name written in bold
sickly words scribbled across
Sick and Evil
Sick and Evil

You do not have to forgive me
but i forgive me

i feel gross, maybe its just me
but people disgust me
this culture we are stuck in
everyone is disgusting please dont touch me
*** with strangers
first date hookups
one night stands
the idea of *** is ruined in todays eyes
it grosses me out
and i cant find a person with the same feeling
use me for my body
lie for your desires
everyone is the same
slave to lust

I come crawling back to familiar places
stuck inside a box inside my own head
ego
safety
need to be scared
move beyond this
emotions are all over the place
I get used for ***
and support
I am 2 caring and obsessive

want to erase evrything from everything
i have no aspirations
weaning off dreams from highschool
nothing matters for me
hoping for something to come to me
but i must go to it

i wanna be the picture on your homescreen
is that so much to ask?
you know i trust you

You worked hard to earn the life you have now
many nights crying yourself to sleep
i dont have to be there to know we both did the same
many months have passed and now you have a new life
a new safety net
i had one for a minute too
it does feel lovely doesnt it
to have someone else's attention?
i know you're blissful right now
arms around eachother
lips interlocking before bed
you earned it
i denied it
i held onto hatred and pursued you further
you were planets away, emotionally.
To you, never seeing me is the best scenario

ditto

i hate worrying people i dont want anyone to care
can they just forget i exist
i want to be gone from their mind
read my poetry
listen to the songs i made
all while i was breathing
i wanted something to outlive me
what better than melodies and words
vibrations i send out of my mouth stay stuck in your head more than
my physical appearance
i had alot of words in my head but they never came out
not around you anyways

i know it seems like it but these are not cries for help
i am so content here
this bottom for most people
is my home
i feel better here
nobody bothers me or expects anything of me
they know i am hopeless
i skip daylight
streets are nicer when nobody is walking on their sidewalks
no cars in the street so i lay inbetween intersections
music playing so loud if a car was coming i would never notice

its a never ending story in my head
nodding off somewhere but through all the euphoria
inbetween consciousness and unconsciousness
your voice stays clear
memories stay vivid
the car you left in the last time i saw you
it's every where when i go out
i know you have someone who loves you now
you deserve it
i deserve the ground

itsnot numbing me enough anymore
i want to do harder drugs
if i had my own place i might leave earth there
fly me to the moon and never come back
over dosing the drugs because im not scared any more
its easier than pulling a trigger

i wanted a safe space and i found out too late
that my safe space was never safe at all
you were reading all my words as i wrote them

i lose the mystery and i lose your attention
i'm better off as an idea in your head

I never dream but i dreamt of you
no idea why instead of nothingness until i wake up
you occupy my mind
it is odd
peculiar
unusual
my mind has an attachment to someone who left
in no more than 2 months

nodding off opiates i want a ****** girl who isnt afraid of the void like me
she knows what the ground feels like and we can lay there together
without a responsibility in the world
companionship is all we need to get by in this world
this version of us is not the most beautiful
but it is the one that we are stuck in

so lets leave together while we feel the most connected
she needs to know i was one of a kind
never to be seen again
in the sunlight or the moonlight
only in her dreams will i live on

i dont know you and you dont know me
but we can make this small room feel so serene
taking x and benzodiazepines
our brains melt away with so much ease

your not the one for me as i am not the one for you
but tonight we can make it feel like eternity in this room

we are worlds away
but i wanna make you feel immense pleasure
simply blissful
maybe there is no true connection
but our bodies were made for eachother

I am scared of getting old
can i stay pretty like a porcelain painting forever?
keep me in this frozen state
lifetimes pass
i stay the same
no changes to my young face with dark circles
no wrinkles around my neck and crows feet by my eyes
only pictures capture my beauty which is long from this earth
never to be casting a shadow from the sun again
ashes in the wind, one with the nature that kept me breathing in life

keep my memory close it is my way of living

i embarrass myself too much
i looked like a ******* idiot
like being on my hands and knees pleading for someone to come back
someone who doesn't want to come back
someone who i know loves me and has my best interest
but can never come back into my life
it is truly better that way
they know it and i know it too

we both knew it too well
those last couple nights we both felt like we were in limbo
nowhere to go
stuck

running in circles because our lives have very different paths

Young teenage Love, Real Love
which inevitably means your first real heartbreak
love is real and it only took me 17 years to find someone who i loved and who loved me
someone who loved me enough to realize being together was not healthy for each others future
love comes and goes like every other emotion in life
but i'm too young to know if their name and face will ever not make my stomach turn sideways

i cry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry


how do you move on and im still crying

i guess i'm selfish but you are too
i remember you asked if we could just run away together
with tears in your eyes you wished we could run away and never look back
i want that more than anything right now
its like wishing magic was real
because it will never happen
not in this universe or the next one

The dark circles under my eyes dissuade most from looking my way
i look as if i am on dope
not yet

do not like to talk to people because nobody understands me
the circles under my eyes aren't from sleepless nights
maybe they are
i don't know anymore
days blend together
i don't use my vocal chords for days at a time
when i try to speak it hurts
can we just sit here in silence while i nod off?

i felt safe for a long time
maybe it was like having a net under you when your doing trapeze
no fear of falling
comforting to know someone would be there to catch me
if i happen to fall
if i hit the ground
someone would be there to hold me
make the pain go away

that person has to be myself
19 years and that's one thing i learned for sure
i have to be there for myself
nobody else is stuck with me but myself

i wanna be mad at you
i wanna hate everything about you
but you are only human
and humans live for pleasure
selfish pleasures
i understand human nature, so i understand you

tomorrow my brain might hurt
come downs ****
but the ups are so worth it

ecstasy makes me so comfy
but it makes me wanna touch your hair
and you will never be around
so i just listen to music
and think about you
because it feels really good

we met by accident
and i will never forget the words you said
in the short time we crossed paths
your smile will always be in my head

tender as you are
you are a nuclear bomb ticking away
i can see it , kind of
you hide it well
but i think i need to turn around soon
i do not wanna be around to see that one pop

i am so happy with my progress
you left me hopeless and helpless
i felt empty like my ribcage had been yanked out
but i feel better again
my heart has cooled down from the intense flames of our love

i have cooled down and i think i am almost ready
to fly high again and float weightless
in love

i was so close to unblocking you
and sending you a terrible message
but i had to sit still and think about it
its a sign of pure anger
i would only gain more pain and worries
i do not need that
i need to meditate

i love the way your eyes look inside me
like they can actually see me

i haven't felt like i exist in other peoples world but my own
it is like the universe sent me you
so i can remember what it feels like to live

i hate that you lied to me
and you think you got away with it too

if i ever see your face again
i am gonna look right through you
like a ghost

yeah i'm really high right now
a ouija board said i would die in September
so i will sleep on the floor
because i like it here
i like fogging my brain with chemicals

i wanna meet you at those pearly gates
i know we loved in another life
i wont be afraid
we all go in the ground one day.

i cannot only feel my memories fading
i cannot hear her voice in my head anymore
i think its a good sign but i miss her voice from time to time
it was home in a sweet package
setting me at ease no matter the location
keeping me still and present
farewell

Electricity in the brain causes all of this
the experience of everyone is condensed into one *****
if we could survive purely on instinct
i think the illnesses our important electricity ***** contract
would not be as ******* us

Our energies peaked together
not on this planet but somewhere far away
something a brain like mine could not comprehend
it is beyond the third dimension
its beyond thought and logical precision
it is simply, magical
i feel that energy intertwine and something keeps me calm
even when you are very very gone from my life
i can feel your energy wrapping back around
tapping me lightly on the shoulder, letting me know
the short time we both spend here on earth
is overshadowed by the eternity we get to spend together after our lives are done and over with, when we get recycled by this earth
our souls get to cross again
i will be waiting.

meet me there and i'll never forget your name
i will have nothing better to do than wait for you
keep your spot warm and sing while i wait
eternity is nothing
if i can spend it with you

Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do
i'm sorry if somebody sees this poem as the final nail in the coffin
but suicide is the most selfish thing you can do
dying is easy
death is easy
i'm so sorry your soul was not strong enough to handle the tragedy of human life enough to end it so soon
so many things to do, feelings to experience
and you cut it short because you thought pain and loneliness
would last forever
when both of these facets of life are not only inevitable
they are the key feelings we need to progress.

bury me with my thoughts
leave me quietly in the cemetery to rest
for all eternity i will be silent

quietly i wait, for nothing to happen
it is all black now
quiet and peaceful
just like they said it would be.

Lately i have been getting visits in my dreams from the person
i sought the most
but it wasn't a blissful loving euphoria
it was an update on you
it was my fears made real by the molecules
swishing around in my brain

i know they are just dreams
but i feel as if they have really happened
that i deserve some sort of closure
but i do not
no, i really don't

i want to run away
to a place
with faces i'll only see once
and names i'll only hear twice

I not only have frustrated my inner soul
i feel i have caused an echo
from the one decision i made two nights ago
a shudder tingles my spine
at only the thought of it coming to the light
like a butterfly effect
i don't think the consequences will show themselves
for years to come

I know it is not going to help in the long run
but at this point i just want to feel good
i want to take my mind off things
hopefully i forget and she forgets too
this burns the bridge i always wanted to have built
i can never go across it again
i have put the final nail in the coffin
no looking back now

I've always heard the expression
"life is a movie"
but sometimes i feel like mine is only a picture.