I imagine to romanticize my life
I fantisize my drive to work as quirky and cute
My cup of tea is the best thing I've ever tasted
Wearisome tasks are now so compelling to do
Now I start to picture things in such a charming and beautiful way.
Darkness and heterodox philosophies clouded my mind for so long,
I almost forgot to admire goods and breathing trinkets.
Waking up and peaking in, would be the bright sunshine through the blinds
And my frizzed hair all over my face.
Through triumphs and trebulations
This is a film
About a girl
Viewing her life
As a studio ghibli film

It's 12:12 am, October 1st.
Just a couple of more hours till the day I came into the world 26 years ago.
I am watching videos on YouTube about random things that end up leading me here,
to write a poem about my panic attack just minutes ago.

As I write this down, straight out of my head, my eyes feel swollen and tired.
My head is throbbing and dried up tears are in my ear from laying in bed.
The stupidest, most random thing set off this horrible mental pain.
A WatchMojo video about the top most anticipated movies coming to 2019.
'So silly and dumb', I'm sure you are thinking.

It is as if someone had pulled the trigger inside.
A blast of mental anguish just hits you.
My hands are in front of my eyes, covering them, as if I consciously knew something frightening was to come.
I cry so hysterically that I can't tell what hurts more,
to keep on crying or to stop crying.
Both are painful.
My whole abdomen and legs quiver as I try to settle myself into serenity.

My thoughts began to race into marathons.
'It's almost my birthday. ******* I am getting old.
I don't talk to my father, does he even care, does he care to know if I'm dead or alive?
Why am I the only person in my O.G. group, to still have no personal society conformed accomplishments achieved?
I have no marriage, no babies, no owned property, no successful career.
I must be a disappointment to my parents, especially my loving mom.
I am such a loser seen by my family.'

This spur of the moment thoughts are still lingering there.
Creepily crawling back slowly but I keep trying to shine a light on this monster for it not to come out again.
Sadly, I know for a fact it will come right back again.
No matter how bright I shine a light on this annoying villain.
Always lurking in the dark.

Flickering lights, viewing my chipped nails and reading my favorite book is what I was doing the first time our lives would change.
For the better or for the worse, I still don't know till this very day.
A light flashes on the phone.
The intrigued and perfected message was you wanting company.
I said hesitantly, yes. Not knowing what was to be a questionable night.
The thoughts in my head are quick to think of mystery.
He must be bored or doesn't want to be home.
I then express such harsh tones about myself.
Why would he want to hang out with me, I'm so boring and such a loner.
I never go out though, I think to myself. If I say I'm a loner or shy, I should change that, starting now.
Pretty bipolar thoughts, right?
You approached my home with such an tense yet comforted look as I approach you.
We both sensed discomfort yet comfort at the same time with each other.
I sensed in your voice such sorrow.
Your face with such pain.
Your body language of tremendous anxiety.
Yet, despite your melancholic emotions, you were happy and solaced with company.
Before heading towards the hazy moment of what was to come, we stopped.
Annoyance of my vexatious monthly moments, I itched for something sweet.
Taken by surprise, you bought me a little tub of vanilla ice cream.
We headed to our destination shortly after this fortuitous sweet incident.
The night sky was so chilling yet beautiful.
The moon illuminated as if it was scantly born.
Bright full stars shined below the sparkling water hitting the sand with such a tender touch.
The dialogue went from gaiety chatter to hushed gossip to attentive talk.
I can feel your manic energy as if you wanted to spill out a heavenly secret.
My body gets the sudden chills and you ask if I wanted his sweater to borrow.
The sky along with being near the icy beach water, it was a stinging cold night.
I hesitantly said yes, in a shivering cracked voice.
You put on this thick and warm jean jacket on me, then...
I felt such a burning desirable gaze at me.
My face began to burn with such bashfulness.
His eyes were so bewitching.
With an fluorescent blue, I thought it suddenly turned to daylight.
I looked away with such awkwardness of myself.
But he didn't mind it. He never did.
We head towards the car.
Street lights of a radiant orange and yellow run past us as a streak.
Accelerated cars whirl on the same and opposite side of us.
The music playing is a darken soul pop star singing through the speakers as we both talk about our ill-starred relationships.
Our tortured minds are intertwined with each other at this point.
We both tunefully feel it.
The night ends,
We both say goodnight and you generously walk me to my front door.
Your body grows closer to me and I sense your mood had changed since your mournful approach towards my home only hours ago.
Your charming eyes focus on my face again, but now suddenly to my lips.
I wanted to, I really did, but it was not the right time.
Saying our goodbyes, I look out my window and see you drive off.
What is he thinking?
Did I disappoint him?
Is he ok?
I hope he gets home safe.
I get a message he is home safe and thanks me for a wonderful night.
He's thankful for the company tonight.
Did I do the right thing by not kissing him immediately?
I don't know.
Do I regret it?
I don't know.
Does he even remember that night or even bother to think of anything of our time together?
I don't know.
But I know for a fact, that we had an unfathomable connection in those rare times together.
At least I like to think so..
I hope then, and even now, he still thinks of those times
when I hope he felt a comfort in knowing at least someone was there for him in that time.
That day was the day I saw him as my sun.
And I was the moon.

Our trembling lips touched for the first time
It was a euphoric feeling
Finally!
We had each other
Though it lasted for a minute, felt infinite.
Our fingers entwined and stuck
Our hips practically meshed
And my hair tangled all over your face.
After so many years forbidden
We had a moment.

We meet from a mutual friend
I admired your humor and you were amazed at my honesty.
You had eyes for her while I yearned her to give you a chance.
You both fell for each other in the track and field area.
You two were twins.
The way you two dressed, to same taste of music seemed perfect.
But the stories you told me were much opposite of this perfect picture painted.
In our hangouts, she never seemed to acknowledge, but only scold you.
She complained constantly and would only embrace you when others looked.
You on the other hand, would constantly praise her.
You loved her very much and would only want you.

A fight happened suddenly.
You wanted company and I played Halo with you.
I can tell you were aching while we both knew she was out, not having a care of the world.
As she told me, she wanted to be free and wanted you no more.
Religiously checking your phone, a heavy breath left your lungs every second slipped out.
I bombarded you with consistent jokes and gossip to calm your throbbing mind.
Slowly but surely, a hint of a smirk appeared.
Though you were suffering, a bit of joy climbed out.

Months go by, our friendship was getting tougher.
If I had to go do laundry, you would help me fold.
If you were hungry and didn't know what to cook, I go over to cook you the only thing I knew how to make.
Out of nowhere, she comes back, wanting forgiveness.
Hesitation and worry is written all over you.
Both ask for advice, my only answer is "Go with your gut".
This time around, both of you are walking on thin ice.
I see less of you now and she her more.
She's anxious he will never forgive her.
In our talks together, I worry this once perfect couple will be no more.
Ultimatums ****.

Another year passes and I have yet to find someone.
At war once again, together yet apart, you seek me again.
The one day of the year, Valentine's day rolls up.
She calls me as I come home from errands how she will be no more with him.
She's done.
My heart breaks as I know this will inflame his love for her.
As I head home, I receive a text from you.
"Are you home yet?"
Thinking he's received the news and wants to hang out,
"What should I bring over?"
He laughs, "Check your mailbox"
A big red hearted box with a red rose.
"Aw that's so sweet, thank you."
"It means more", is what you said.

Weeks go by.
Upcoming trips and video games occupy our daily tasks.
On one occasion, we gather for a party at the beach at night.
I fell badly playing volleyball and I couldn't walk.
You straight up SWOOP me like I'm a **** Disney princess.
You carry me to your car, teasing my way of belittling how heavy and chubby I am.
"I don't care for any of that"
As you carry me, I grapple your thin shirt and feel your arms pulsing.
"Not a wince of pain carrying a elephant" I thought.
I never noticed how much we had changed through out our years of knowing each other.
I am blushing so hard I believed the heat from my face would catch my hair on fire.
One day, things changed.
We're on the couch watching Iron Man
My house is filled with thunderous laughing.
I tease you for being so charming to everyone you meet.
A flush of red bares all over and suddenly you swoop me up and carry me to my bedroom.
My legs hanging off my bed and ask what's wrong.
Your delicate hands firming and dancing around your trembling face and hair.
"How do you...Don't you know..."
Why is my face flushing, my lips shaking and my legs weakening.
"It's always been you" falls out of your lips.
Till this day, I know you meant to say it in your mind.
Grappling the bed frame, I stand up.
We grow closer and you grab my waist.
Finally....
I stop you from pursuing anymore than we truly want to.
The setback in your eyes come.
You leave without saying a word.

Years go by, fights enabled.
She accuses me of trying to break you two.
Our friendship is fully turned to ash.
He's not fully into her anymore, even with years behind them.
Distant is not even close to what we are now.
You go off to the army, while I try to grow my life without you.
Relationships come and go.
From a distance, you seemed happy again, with her again.
At least so it seems.
I later find out you've gotten married.
And now she's expecting.
How life has been different to both of us.
Out of the blue, you came to me in a dream.
It was like the old days, but without anyone to shadow us.
It was just us two.
Just as I had a wistful dream about you one night,
I check my phone to see you want to add me on IG.
The crazy coincidence.
I wonder what you thought of when you saw my profile.
Do you want to see how our lives differ?
Do you wonder if I have someone?
Do you ever think of that day?
Do you miss me?
But I wonder do you ever think of me?
I just wonder if you ever think what could of been.
All I know is, we both longed for each other, truly and deeply.
In this universe
At this time
We were meant for each other but was painfully
the wrong time....

Due to unfortunate events in the past,
I am awake.
Everything is so clearly now.
Now I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I do see with such keen and truth.
Once your feet touch the ground, a motion is set.
Your destiny is being written in the stars with each new step.
Was I dead before ?
Or was I just asleep for so long that I just couldn't bare to see anything at all?
Vibrations coarse through your body.
A change is definitely coming. It's almost eminent.
For so long, a heavy rock had been strapped to your back.
It seemed almost futile it would never get off.
A star passing by was the one that had blinded your barred eyes with such a dazzling light, it had awoken you.
The rock on your back seemed to dissolve into sand just as quickly as the star passed by.
As you see the star leave, you see pure darkness following right behind it.
Creeping behind you is the rock trying to get back on your body.
Instantly, you remember why you were asleep in the first place.
It's better this way. Not feeling the massive pain.
But you can still see the star.
Muscles began pulsing, your veins are pumping and your heart full of adrenaline.
Running after the star is the only thing occupying your brain now.
Because it seems the only solution to never feeling the pain ever again is chasing the unknown.
Embrace the unknown, replace fear and pain for curiosity, happiness and finally peace.

Today was the worse day of my life so far.
My future self slipping away from my fingertips....just gone.
I could see my house, my career, my husband and my children...all just crumble in my fingers.
Everything that should be destined, is now gone once again.
For the third time may I add.
You would think after so many heartbreaks you would get use to it.
No.
At this point, in my 26 years of life, you will never get use to it.
I wait for the day I get to stay in a hotel room just contemplating my life's choices.
And just finally ending it all.
Ya, I guess you can always say 'You're young, you have alot going for you, it's never too late for a happy ending', yet that may be true, in my mind, I'll always see a chubby emotional single hispanic women whose future will be hoarding shelter dogs alone in her home.
That image, just reflecting back at me in the mirror, seems to be the closes to a happy ending I'll ever get in this lifetime.
So, for the time being, I'll be sleeping and closing my eyes to this nightmare.
Because I would rather sleep all day and forget everything for a couple of hours than to be awake all day and remember everything.

If you should see me again,
What should I do?
If we should talk again,
What would we say?
If I were to touch you again,
What would you do?
I'd I were to hold you again,
What would you do?
If I should see you again,
What would you do?

I'm getting married soon
But as my melancholic mind would have see it,
I still sought to seek out the hidden gems I blindly ignored;
When you were part of a piece of a paragraph in a long
neglected yet beautiful chapter of my life.
In an attempt to expose the very nature of my soul and body,
you saw my distress and healed me back to a semi-moderate stable condition of what was once my self.
On long drives, we sang loudly, and unfortunately proudly, about our tragic love life before we were to discover our secret affair within each other.
Desperately seeking answers, we found comfort in the solitude amongst ourselves.
In one of many drives, you even flashed your *** onto confused on lookers, which would be the main topic on our relationship.
No, not your ***, but exposure.
We exposed our souls to each other, mentally and very physically.
Trusting and knowing we would know what's to come was somehow comforting.
The end was nearing but we sure did cherish those precious moments, didn't we?
Closing the tiny paragraph you are now part of in my chapter,
it has lead me to one of the biggest events events in my life.
As the day gets closer, I recollect the times where my heart barely breathed any ounce of life I had once.
You gave me the force of life back into my desolate self and my soon to be husband is forever grateful.
Each piece of what was, prowls every now and then
But that's the human in us; We travel back in time just to observe and adore.

So......let's move along, reminisce, and once in a while, hold dear to our past selves.

June 22, 2017

Today was suppose to be blinding, unseen and dark.
So dark, I don't remember how this ended.
It seems at most times, it never happened.
Or did it?
My mind filled with memories, it seems like a dream turned into sublime dreams that may could have been.
Engorged eyelids for days turns into months.
Flushed cheeks, unrealistic thoughts and sorrow lingers since
The Night We Met
I'm burned out just thinking about you.
I want to lose consciousness of the recollected images of us fading into each other.
Laying next to you, kissing your sweet and aching lips, driving around this city of stars.
I want to forget but I can't.
Oh, how much you still endure the back of my mind.

Reality is a blur, a foggy consistant blur.
Everyday is the same melancholic routine.
10 on the dot.
One sunnyside up egg with a toasted sourdough slice.
Citrus tea with honey and an amusing podcast to prepare.
Slap on foundation and eyeliner, to look somewhat "happy" for a straining workday to come.
Thank god for the coming 4 hours there, my mind is of spotless.  
Not a thought of you comes inching in my deserted cold mind in those 4 hours.
As soon as I punch out and put away the fake smiles of the workday, you pop right up.
This in general is not bad in a way that I loathe you, the memory of you,
But bad in a way that I miss you.
Enormously.
The old routine was much more methodically medicore but it was pure *******, beyond happiness.
Up at 9, waffles with milk, with tv in the background.  
As I can not fathom the desire to be at work already.
Walking in, I longed to see your deep icy blues that just melted me instantly as soon as I saw them,
Into a puddle, there I go.  
Their target are aimed towards my ungraceful demeanor, it still shocks me through out my whole body.  
Tingling, Inviting and Warm.
Feelings I felt everytime you nearby, I instantly knew it was you.
Present day.
As I drive towards what seems to be another morrow towards the vapid and grave, I look for you.
I felt those blues that day of a party.
I felt them as I walked away from a group conversation.
I felt them as I mourned the loss of someone.
I felt those blues that first night.
The night we met.
Vanilla ice cream, in the cold air and a life changing experince we both intuned.
Instinctively, I trust its profoundly there to you too.
Even now and till your departing day.
I felt those blue eyes.
As much sorrow and grief it brings me always, and probably will be till my final and sweet death,
I dream back to the days I would walk in, and melt in my puddle, as I felt and longed for those icy blues.

I think about the day I was born.
I had a leg deformity due to a stupid *** nurse ******* up.
They gave my mom to choose between a lifetime of surgeries to correct them or break my newborn legs into place and hope for the best.
My mother choose none.
She put me in double diapers till she noticed my legs growing back to normal.
And for her, I am grateful she choose to ignore them.

I think about the day my dad left my mom and I.
He choose 5 minutes of *** with an already adulterous married person than to be with his loving wife and only child.
My mom before and even after the demise of their marriage, would still pick up my biological father from unknown locations.
Too drunk to even remember, he wonders how he got there and why his now ex wife and baby were in a strange unknown car with him.
Too dumb to remember the person he's sleeping with, they didn't even bother to look for him or even care to notice he was out.
Those moments that I've soon to know about, I acknowledge my mother's strength in all the chaos that was to come about.

I think about the day my mother, my aunt and I got assaulted right in front of our home.
The man had a large machete sticking towards my throat as he asks for my mother's car keys.
She throws them out and quickly grabs me and pushes my aunt into our apartment.
My mother calls the police as my aunt tries to comfort me.
I cry for my biological father.
My mother tucked me in and kisses me to sleep.
I learned that day to never depend on anyone for security but myself.

I think about the day we lost our home.
My mother and I were to be evicted from our first actual home because of a disgraceful woman who had been defrauding us.
We moved in with my uncle in a tiny room he spared us.
It seemed it would wonderful living there, as I saw my uncle as my father.
A new life came into the house and everything changed.
My mother and I were now felt to be confined in our room.
I witnessed a paper by mistake of some apartments for rent on his wife's desk.
Who else would this designated for? Obvious right?!
We were then forced to look for a home as soon as we even just moved in.
I learned that day that *** is more important than helping out your own flesh and blood.

I think about the day I decided to end my 6 year relationship.
The beginning was great until he saw his potential with others.
Secret messages and meet ups began happen behind my back.
Yet still, I forgave him after finding out this later on.
Of course he continued as I turn a blind eye.
The last first time of our day, I began to see his un-interest in me and our future together.
I began to unravel and truly see for the first time that history was and would be repeating itself.
I saw myself caring a child as he would be off drunk and being with adulterous women.  
Just as my mother.
Later found out, he had physically cheated on me.
On our last first day.
I learned to let go of what was hurting me emotionally, of what was to be my future and what was the future of my children to come.

I think about the day this person hurt me.
He was to be my savior.
He helped me through a nasty breakup and what emotions I had coming out of it.
He comforted me as I comforted him as well.
He listened to my secrets I never even told my past lover, not even my best friend.
I heard his dark secrets as well as we hanged out in a beautiful cold beach.
What was to be our place of solace.
Our place.
Things couldn't go on anymore for him with our complex relationship.
He ended it as while he ended my trust.
I began to feel things I thought you could never feel with someone you cared for deeply.
But it was too late.
He had said goodbye before I could even say thank you for at least being there for me when no one else would.
I learned that the person you are meant to be with is the one.
Your soulmate, your sun to your moon.
But it's just not the time or even the right moment in this current lifetime.

I think about the day I wanted to end my life.
I cleaned my room spotless. Cleaned the bathroom, the backyard, everything.
You get the gist.
I placed a note on my bookcase.
Each note was to be dispersed to an individual in whom I love deeply.
I wrote down information to all my accounts to everything I was connected to.
Instructions were even put in place to what to do with my body as well as my belongings.
I had a plan.
Everything was set.
I looked around my house for what was to be the last time.
Swallowing a container and preparing a knot, I glanced at my dog and the picture of my best friend.
He looked curiously at the knot I was preparing.
He cried of course, being the crybaby he is.
I sent a message to my best friend saying I love her and I'll be watching over you.
No reply back of course.
Life moves on.
I know she was busy working.
I got on a chair and wrapped the knot around my neck.
I breathed in and out as slowly as I could.
Preparing of what was to be my escape from all the pain.
I began to cry, thinking about my mom.
How devastated she would be.
She would have to witness my lifeless body hanging in the closet.
Cutting off the knot so viciously and giving herself every ounce of her strength to bring me back.
Knowing what I know about my mom, she would 100% join me soon after.
That is how much we love each other.
For we could not live without each other.
I felt a tug at the chair I was standing on.
My dog wouldn't stop trying to get on the chair with me.
He began to cry and of course wanting my attention.
I loosened the knot and throw away everything in such a rush.
I immediately made myself ***** as much as possible.
And then cleaned up, and hugged my dog.
Even though he hesitantly hates hugs, he willingly let me.
I learned that even though things seem tough, there will always be a shining light waiting for you. It just wasn't my time to go yet.

I think about the day I needed to do something with my life.
I finally and unwilling let go.
I went on a couple dates.
Finally meeting someone that loves me for me.
I thought of before how some people look for certain characteristics when looking for a potential partner.
At this point of my life, I don't care anymore.
I don't look for a a person with money, with a extravagant home, rich lifestyle or any of that mess.
He was nothing at all what I had expected to fall for.
He cares for me as I care for him deeply.
He wants a future with me as I just want a future with him as well.
He builds me up and I encourage him up towards our dreams, our hopes and our desire to be better people for each other in this ever growing world.
I know I have a purpose here on this earth.
I just gotta keep looking forward.
And hope it will continue this way until it is my time to go.