“Dark circles under my eyes sink deeper and deeper into my skull, in contrast to my pale skin; an undeniable resemblance to a FRESH CORPSE.

One by one,
The words abandoned
But the pain never did.
One by one,
The days passed,
But the longings never diminished

Moments after moments
I died,
But my love for you lived
Rejections after rejections
Gave wings to my motivation
They landed some place afar from here

Nights after nights dawned
But the nightmares continued to last
Long after I had opened my eyes
Preacher after preachers
Gave their doctrines,
I was repulsed farther
From any religious entity

Pages after pages,
Were stained with my ink
But the mind never felt
Any relief
Words after words were said,
My heart still died thirsty

With an unfulfilled wish to seek
An understanding in someone's eyes

The blue of your eyes
Not deeper than the blues I write about,
Yet much more mesmerizing
They could give hope
To a corpse

And when you are you
I could finally be me
No facade, no impostors,
Just one love
Transcending
Through both of us

The blue of your eyes
In them I drown my sorrow
Funny how sometimes you have to lose yourself
To be found
And all their will fall
Back to the pit where they belong

And when you are you
I could finally be me
You'll take my hand,
I'll break those walls
I built for years
and show you the way
to my heart

The blue of your eyes,
The cheesiest lines have been said for this shade
But has anyone told you,
The spark in them
Gives warmth to my bitterly cold heart

**And when you are you
I could finally be me
You would put arms around my waist
I could finally fall apart
Because yours are the hands I'll fall in.

You are the **** itch people get in public and can do nothing about.
You are the left over canned food people throw away to rot
You are the leech that grows at the expanse of another soul
You are the embodiment of all the ill temptations I ever sought

You are the nauseating feeling that can taint the joy of best ride,
You are the single cloud in an otherwise perfect blue sky,
You are the the rose plant that only yields thorn
You are all blackness and cruel storms.

You are the door closed in a helpless face again and again
Like the rain after drought, you have always been inadequate
With every breath, your stupidity redeems itself,
Like a circle, your cruelty knows no end

And I have been a fool, bigger than you,
Worshipping a pebble off the road does not really make it a God.
Time and time again, for you I fall.
You can't keep bleeding forever and call it love.

But this, my friend, was the last straw
I'll let myself feel the pain, and let it all go,
I need space to spread my wings,
You need to strengthen your roots, and atone for your sins

In another time,
In another life,
Maybe our love will win
But for now, I'm a matchstick soaked in gasoline
And you are always too fiery.


Pardon, my biased hatred,
But you can truly hate, what you once loved.

Some days you are an abandoned building
Other days you are the nostalgia of the homely smell they have long said goodbye to

Some days your are the shooting star who fell in love with the sky
Other times you are a void, denying  the law of gravity

Some days I can feel your heart singing to me
Other days you are just a dream fading
I'm ready to suffocate in my mind
Only to keep you strangled in it

Some days I can't help but wish you and I become a we again
Other days I know I have responsibilities to take care of
And my head closes in on me again

Some days you sweep me away with the strong currents of your passion
Other dayss I just get pulled under and find solace in my depression


Sometimes I'm the soberness followed after the breaking of dawn
Mostly I'm the drunk 3am thoughts
Wanting to wear your skin and crawl up to your thoughts

Sometimes I'm the irresistible love,
Only entitled to you
Other times you remember love is almost never enough

Some days I almost feel complete
When you run your fingers on all my edges and uncertainties
Other days I remember it was your surface on which I cut myself and had to bleed

Some days I know you love me and always will
Other times I write to remember you were not just something my heart came up with

Some days I believe I must carry on without you and I will,
Other times I lay awake and count the pieces of me
I left at your front door
When I could not get myself to knock
And tell you all these things

I buried myself in my own body so don't ask me why the words on my lips taste like tombstones or why I wake up in the middle of the night startled as if I can listen to the rattled ache of old bones colliding against one other inside my self because the muscles have decayed off long ago.

2. I have swallowed enough tears and choked on enough words to create a sea inside of me so don't ask me why I walk sometimes as any moment I might collapse under my own weight if you don't know how it feels like to have your organs soak water and later drown in it. Don't tell me pressure gets to you too sometimes if you don't know how it feels to have your insides fight your own skeleton and skin to get out.

3. I sleep a lot or not at all. My sleeping pattern is a perfect symbolism of how I feel things. Either I'm overwhelmed or numbed except no one ever notices cause my lights are always on. My friend once joked that I'm too old to be afraid of monsters. God bless her sweet, innocent heart. She did not need to know that I carry the monster with myself to my bed, that sometimes the monster walks around her wearing my face but guess that's okay. To them I'm a happy girl who likes to write sad poems. As if sadness is a persona I'm trying to adopt cause it's a trend. But ignorance is Bliss. I'm counting on them to always deny that things are worse than they look when the signs are glaring them in the eyes. Their ignorance is not just their Bliss, but my liberty.

4. One of my friend while reading about someone's suicide asks me why would you want to trade all that's out there for an oblivion. I looked her in the eye and told her that it's cause they notice no difference except for the extra pressure that life brings, the constant reminder that you should be out there just doing something.. You know, living the life and all and knowing that you're supposed to want to feel something but you don't, don't want to at all, is tiring. Existing is tiring. Or so they think. It's not like I'd know, I add lamely to differentiate myself from them.

5. I'm always sad but I have never let that prevent me from being happy. It's really sad, and it's really funny that I have never been truly happy and never been truly sad. A hopeful present always brings me a smile, or death. Depends really. And the regretful present is enough to sober me at my happiest moments.

6. Sometimes my days feel like a continued extension of night, my life a silent movie but with the sad bg music where I'm the only character that does not know its role or which scene is going on. Sometimes it feels like I have long exhaled my last breath and my mind has not just caught up to the fact that I might be dead

Who should you write poetry for?

Write for someone
Who cares enough to read it
And have the words etched upon
Their hearts,
Never fading.

Write for someone
Who knows you enough,
To know
That you are a mixture of a thousand emotions
You never show
And your poetry is a gateway
To your heart.

Write for someone,
Who would willingly walk down
An abyss with you,
Not someone, who walks into it,
Unknowingly
Overwhelmed by your words' intensity

Write for someone,
Who is many different people,
For many different people,
And still is all of them for you,
A side he only shows to you.

Write for someone,
Whose love is not a secret,
Confessed in a hushed tone,
Write for someone who loves you,
And is unapologetic about it.


Write for someone,
Who sees a part of them
Every time your eyes meet,
Write for the part
Of yourself
You see in them.

Write for someone
To whom you actually mean something
And your words will never go unnoticed,
Dissolving in wind
The moment your lips set them free.

You make me bleed,
If only I learnt
how to paint you with it,
This would be worth it.

You make my heart ache,
If only I could turn this into art,
I would find a way
to keep you safe

Without endangering
my fragile beats.

You make me love you,
If only I could turn you into poetry,
And have people appreciate my love,
And not object,
I would.



But I can't.


So now my pen lays there,
The paper waits to be caressed,
The words remain lost in the echoes inside my head
Pleading you to come back.

But no amount of words I write
Will be louder than this worldly hate,
5+5 makes 10 so does 2+8

So why do they have to wrong us
To prove they are correct

I guess only a broken soul can hear
The sound a breaking heart makes,
You heard mine, for that I'm glad,
But you are gone now

The words now fall,
Only to get rusted and forgotten,

You made me hear
The silent lullaby the night sky sang to its lover earth
But now without you here,
It grows quieter every night.


Please, somewhere at some point
meet me again

My words started here, my journey started here. And so here I'm again, laying my last words down, digging a place to rest my love. And here they will remain waiting, maybe hoping, forevermore

The laughter started here, the curious questions, the familiarity; the feeling of knowing you like the back of my hand. The storm came, the realisation that love, sadly, comes with its limits. The helplessness of the world standing against us, forevermore

I don't know how, but we caved in. Slowly at once, like a dam slowly cracks under the force of water, till it rips the **** thing off and there is nothing the dam could do but watch the destruction unfold. You hurt me, I wounded you. Our love took us on the top, and so obviously when we fell from grace, we kept falling, forevermore

But it stops here. I'm stopping here. And I know you will too. This has gone too far. Let us tend to ourselves. I have to find myself. I have to know that there is a me out there, that can function without you. Let me stand. I can't keep holding on to you, afraid that the moment I let go, you'll dissipate. I have to know that you'll accept me for who i become when I don't mold into your idea of how I should be, for evermore

So here I'm, burying the future I have always dreamt of with you. I have miles to go. And I hope, God, I hope one day when I come visit this place, you'll be here with me, doodling random patterns across my hand. And we will realise our conclusion was true, all of the universe had conspired to get me to you. But if not, I hope the memories bring a tear in your eyes, *nevermore

I'm here alone, in my room
And the never decreasing miles
That separate us Falter on the floor
Everytime i close my eyes
It is only your face i see

I guess i always knew
The inevitability of our situation
A dawn chasing midnight
No way on earth we could have had a happy end

It was a privilege knowing you
And having my feet swept off the ground
I was too busy wondering why you loved me
To say i love you in return
But i guess you know i did

Im here alone in my room
but you are in everything i see
you are scattered everywhere
yet your absence is all i feel
too many dreams of you and no you to wake up to.

*I guess i always knew
the inevitability of our situation
dawn chasing midnight
no way on earth we could have had a happy end

To the boy who makes my skin feel like home again,
You held out your hand and stood there patiently while I warily placed my hand in yours and maybe incidentally some part of my heart too. You so gently removed his imprints off me that I did not even notice till I was standing in front of my mirror, glowing, no longer looking away from my reflection but smiling back at it. Thank you. Thank you for having the thoughtfulness to wipe your fingerprints off before leaving too. You know I never could understand how people use standing alone in the rain as a metaphor for sadness, it's not. It's liberating. And that's how I feel about you. You were the drizzle that set me free.

To the boy who does not make butterflies somersault in my veins,
You were smirking at something clever you said at my expanse and I was looking back at you calmly not the least bothered by the slight blush crawling up to my cheeks.  Because that's what you were to me. My anchor. My calmness. My life jacket. Thank you for teaching me that most hurricanes and people are only looking for ways to self destruct and I need not be the one to put myself in their ways in hopes to save them when I myself have been drowning. Thank you for handing me back the anchor. Now I carry it with me and toss it down whenever I feel the flow is too strong for me. You loved me enough to make me love myself, but not enough for me to be yours more than I was mine. I don't know why they don't teach about self love or how we owe ourselves some kindness too.  But you did. I have not been this shade of love in a long while and I don't ever want to be anything else.


To the boy who makes me smile when I'm with him but does not steal it away when he is gone,
You make me feel things in slow motion like the way a tortoise comes out of its shell, like the blooming of a bud, like a letter hidden among the pages of a history book no one is ever going to bother to read and all the other soft things. Thank you. I'm the love in all those soft things. I've the love i need the most. And so I smile. And I write myself poetry just as much as I write for you. I dance alone when you're gone just as enthusiastically as I do when I'm standing on your feet. I don't understand how I could have ever thought that love was love only when you loved with all the parts of you; saving none for yourselves cause it's not. Love is taking care of yourself and being the sun to your universe but letting him know he is the constellation who you love to read and embrace every night before you fall asleep. Love is hand you want to hold while you're reigning your life.

To the boy who kept his distance while I sulked on the floor but became my backbone when I was teaching myself how to walk,
You told me you fall apart and you think you're done but that's when the work begins. I realised how you don't need people when you're down as much as you do when you're trying to get up after falling down a time too many to count. But you were there. And i needed to understand that not every fragility was breakable. Some relented and preserved. And it's not about how long you stay on the floor but with how much fervor you stand back, again and again after being kicked. Thank you. I'm going to carry my fragile heart like a crown shielded by logic. It's okay to be brilliant and kind. You don't have to rust your shine cause you're blinding someone.


To the boy who makes my skin feel like home again, to the boy who does not make butterflies somersault in my veins, to the boy who makes Me smile when I'm with him but does not steal it away when he is gone, to the boy who was there holding me up when I was trying to be more than I have ever been before

Thank you. ❤

The infinite gap between I don't want to live and I want to die and how sometimes they can be covered in a flicker of your eyes.

The infinite gap between who you are and who  time wants you to be and how a whole life can be covered trying to find a balance between these two.

The infinite gap between where you're and where your heart lies and how sometimes the hollow heart beats remind you you're better off without your heart trying to break through the ribs that enclose it, for its own safety.

The infinite gap between your lips and the name you want to chant like some unheard prayer.

The infinite gap between the fingers on your hands and how they're used to holding air in an attempt to fill the spaces where his hair you held.

The infinite lapse between the first step you take towards him and the next.

The infinite hesitation between feeling too much and never acting on it.

The infinite times I watch my palm open and close reaching out and running away from you.

The infinite gap between I love you and let's be together.

In these infinite gaps, somewhere, we both are lost

Some people are like stars
You can only love them and look them from a far
You can't wish,
For them to be a bit closer,
They'll burn you whole,
You can't wish they disappear
The nightsky will be forlorn
All you can do
Is look at them,
And love them some more
A love composed of long sighs
And no fruitful result
And in the daylight
It is easy to pretend you forgot
But every night, the desire
Ignites your soul
And there they shine
Happy to be where they belong
And here you stand alone,
Never feeling quite at home

All they need to know
About you
Is the days I was with you
I did not write
I did not have to quiet
The tumultuous thoughts
Because you were the calm
Eye
Of all my hurricane

When most anonymous heart beats
Were busy ruining themselves
You were keeping mine safe
Inside your heart.

All they need to know
Is sometimes when you opened your eyes after your daily prayer
I could see the gateway to all the churches
I never bothered to go
They made a caphir like me
Believe in heaven.

When most of the times I was sure
Earth was the purgatory
If there was ever such a thing
And how I deserved it.


All they need to know about you
Is how when you touched me
It felt like a thousand dandelions
Being touched by a breeze
So rejuvenating
Drifting to a semi lucid reality.

Your love crossing all the boundaries
Leading me to a place
Far away from the differentiation of wrong and right.


All they need to know about you;
I hope to keep turning it into poetry.

I think I have spilled it all
But then a breeze reminds me of your touch
And just like that
A new poem is born

I think I have run out of metaphors
But then the stars fade to brown of your eyes
And just like that
A new poem is born

I think the novelty
Of being in love has worn off
But then your smile feels like eternity
And just like that
A new poem is born.

I think i have felt
all there was left to feel
But then you wink at me
And the letters inside me rearrange
And just like that
A new poetry is born.

A million shade of hues,
Blending into one another,
Then why did I decide,
That these various shades of blue
Are what i look good in.

A hundred feelings I could have felt
But I decided to dwell deeply in
This self loathing
When did this sadness take me over,
Its grip so tight that
It's not even poetic anymore

All these words I could have used,
All these topics I could have penned,
But why does everything I write,
Seems to speak words,
That only I can hear-
Save me, save me, pls save me from myself.

A Hundred jewellery
To adorn
Then why did I decide to take
the blade in my hands
And carve these rubies out,
What a terrible contrast
Against my pale skin!

A hundred people
I could have talked to,
A dozen whom I call my friends
Then why is it that at 3pm
I'm scrolling down my tl,
Longing for a connection
I'm not sure exists.

A hundred cemeteries,
For all these ghosts to live in,
And yet they decide to haunt me instead
And why is it that when they're gone,
I almost crave their company?

What have I done to myself?

He is all
blooming sunflowers and rainbows
I'm all
darkness and reckless storm.

He is all
perfect moves and graceful steps
I am the
clumsiness tripping over myself.

He is all poetic verses and
how the sunshine tastes
I am the blot of ink scattered
all over the page

He is the name of the ache
my beating heart feels
I am the name of his forgetfulness
that is only confined to me

He Is the gentle summer rain, every creature appreciates
I am the extremity they warned you about in your books

He is the destination,
the only thing I have ever wanted
I am the blindfold, an illusion
Distracting him from his happy ending

He is the spotlight
of every party
I'm the 3am loneliness
the poets battle against

He exists a little bit
in all my poems and unfinished drafts*
I am the past he has long
buried
which no one knows a thing about

A quiet morn
A girl full of distraught
A blue sky
And a grey soul.


A glass window
A peek Into the outer world
Innumerable statues
With a beating heart.

A lonely walk
Into the mind
Vivid scenery
And a dull light in the eyes

Blank pages
And the indigo ink seeping through
The more you bleed out
The less empty it feels

A dusty road
With forgotten footprints
A lost summer
With many unheard stories

A race
With no definite end point
A ticking bomb
Waiting to explode

A quiet night
And a girl full of distraught
A sky like graveyard
Stars being the buried dreams

I can feel a poem rising at the tip of my fingers tonight. I can feel them revolting, buzzing with anger; demanding to be heard.
And so I tie my hair back, pick up my pen, ever the docile servant to my emotions.
What do you wanna talk about, I ask them?
The buzzing stopped short, for the first time with some hesitancy, they answer we don't know.
And so we sat in companionable silence, with pen held. A hundred fluttering thoughts, but none I can connect to form a poem.
Write down, they say, write what we have always wanted to say, and so I let my emotions glide my fingers over the page, scribbling my brain out of the story, letting heart play to its fullest content.
And so heart wrote the softest words,
And in silence my brain slept.

If this is a movie,
Let me tell you I want my money back

Cause last time you ever
wrote me into your story
I was the girl
who could not make it to the interval


If this is a book that you are reading
Lemme turn the page

Cause last time you ever
read me something
I had to wake up
to find you missing

If this is nothing but a game to you
Lemme tell you I don't want to play anymore

Cause last time we played hide-n-seek
You never started looking
And I had to yell
" I'm over here"

If this is a life that I'm living
Lemme tell you I Want to end it

Cause last time I heard
Life is only for the living
And I have already
started rotting

If this is an expectation, I'm supposed to stand up to
Lemme tell you I'm already slipping

Cause last time you
held me in your arms
I felt a noose tightening around,
Strangling and choking me

If it is death what you are scared of
Lemme tell you, death is the only privilege we all can afford

Cause last time I opened my eyes
I saw how biased life was,
Every one thinks they have a plan
But Life tricks us all

I lost
my light
my self
my essence
my entity
my everything
in you

like a star shining at noon

but even that was not enough to make you stay
so, you're gone and never coming back

**I don't know who I'm with you not around

And when they come for me, they'll find a book titled all the ways I felt but was not supposed to.
I want you to cremate the book with me.


The world is strange, the people are stranger,
Everyone has a notion of how things should be,
And everyone knows how it should not
But maybe some things just are,
The sun rises, and it sets on its own accord
Maybe the way we need to be loved, is not within our control.

And how hard I tried to control my desires
But how do you escape what is trapped beneath your skin


People are strange, feelings are stranger,
I have spent my whole life trying not to need,
Until I stumbled upon you,
And I hope you understand it's not easy
To tear myself open for you to see,
In all the few glories I have had, and in my all vulnerabilities

And how hard I tried to not  let my coldness touch you,
While trying to remain unaffected by your warmth.

Pls, don't let these I love yous become the saddest words I uttered.

Put your makeup on
Fix your hair
Don't let them know
You are hurting
But God, are you hurting!

Put a facade on
Make your voice sound softer
Walk with a zeal
Don't let your eyes betray you
But oh, they always betray you

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Can they tell
I have been wasting my self away
Curled up in a ball

Mirror mirror on the wall
Will they ever know
The face in the mirror
Masks more pain than they'll ever know

Fight the lump in your throat
Eat but never swallow
You need to fit into that dress
Your boyfriend bought
Oh, anything for him.

Pull your sleeves down
They must not see
The cracks through
Your impenetrable wall
But the voices are just too loud

Mirror, mirror on the wall
How long will he love me
If I continue to live
In this flawed skin I was born with

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Can I tell you a secret
Few more weeks
And I'll be the prettiest of them all

Ignore the stares
But does your hip look too flat
It can't be, you followed all the diet procedures perfectly
Or, did you

Give in
You can't do this anymore
Who would ever love
The ugly duckling you have
Become

Mirror,  mirror on the wall
Why do you have to be so shallow
Why don't you reflect
All the goodness inside a person

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Watch how I break you
And bleed my life dry
On the shattered piece of you

Dear little girl,
*You have hated your reflection
That I showed all this time
If you only knew
Only you have the acceptance
You sought in everyone's eyes

Kiss me
Cause I'm sure
The stars would taste better
Shine brighter
On the tip of my tongue
And baby, you are the whole galaxy

Hold me
Cause I'm sure
Only your touch has the fire
To keep me from freezing
And baby, our bodies are the only heating appliances I'll ever need

Breathe me
Cause I'm sure
I could be more addictive
Than any drug you'll ever inhale
And baby, let us give our touch receptors the sensation of their lives

The way you looked at me made me feel beautiful in a way I have never felt before. The kind where I could feel the sunlight seeping in from all the cracks in my skin and warming me up and I realised love is the glow on your skin when he looks up at you. I have been playing this memory all night and I can't wait to have those pair of eyes look at me that way again. Even though I won't manage an eye contact for long and trust me, every time after you go, I curse myself for not looking at you. But the moment is so intense, so fleeting. That I do what I do best when I'm unsure of something . I remove myself from the equations. But this time I did not. The silence in between was not oppressing, it was soft. The silence that says we have said all there was to be known. A silence of familiarity that comes from knowing each other for so long. But your longing eyes. Something about them make me nervous, the good nervous. Like the time I was trusted with my baby brother and I cradled him in my arms. I was so scared that I might drop him but the fear passed and I was left with this inexplicable feeling. That is the memory that came in my mind when I looked up yesterday and caught you looking at me like that.
I wanted to write about it. You know how I like to have souvenirs of all my favorite moments. But I could not..there was no metaphor I could come up with to explain the warmth I felt when your eyes held mine. I have always thought you were biased when you called me beautiful but today, I felt it too. Thank you for having that look on your eyes that made me believe the words I have been hearing for so long.

Thank you. You never once told me how I looked pretty and I'm so thankful for that because your eyes told me all there was to be known. Your thoughts, finally set free. "She is beautiful, and she is all mine

when the sky falls into the sea
and the atmosphere gets so thick that i can't breathe
when there is no shoulder where i could put my head and weep
when no there is no padre who would forgive my sins
LET A SAVIOUR COME ....LET IT BE ME..

let it be me...let it be me..

when all the door slams close at my face
and the world around me gets insane
when everyone starts to point their fingers at me,
and there is only darkness and chaos within
WHEN THE DEMONS WALK AROUND IN DISGUISE
AND THERE IS NO ANGELS LEFT TO GUIDE
WHEN MY SCARIEST DREAMS COME ALIVE

LET A SAVIOUR COME AND SAVE ME..LET THAT SAVIOUR BE ME

Why is it
That you only look
for stars
When there is no moon
And it is dark

Why is it
That you only know
what you had
When it is time
to say goodbye

Why is it
That the things we have
Always have to wait
While we seek the things
We might never get

Why is it
Among the greenery
of the spring
We forget about the autumn leaves that flew away

Why Is it
I have always grieved
for loss more strongly
than I ever
Felt the love

Why is it
That I always write about things
When it is a little too late
And they are already gone;
Their meanings belittled



Why is it
We are too busy wondering
why someone loves us
Instead of confessing
we feel the same


Why is it
We stare at a moment
till it slips
right out of  our hand
And blurs into a forlorn memory


Why Is it
That we wait
to be sure
Till a chance becomes
another what if

I decided to hold your hand,
Just when you decided to let go,
I realised why I needed you to stay,
When you already had one foot out of the door
.
And all my words feel a little more emptier,
Without your gaze lingering on them,
You knew my emotions so well,
Won't you come back for a minute and have them explained
.
I always could feel sadness more deeply,
Than I ever felt love,
What's the point of holding on to pride, and letting someone go,
When you are going to spend years looking at the Door
.
I was halfway in
When you were halfway gone
You always wanted a poem written about you like the ones I wrote for him,
Just when I picked up the pen, you turned away and walked.
.
Oh how useless are words,
When said,
A little too late.

If you could, would you
Trade all these words
For the peace of mind
That you never got

If you could, would you
Wipe off all your memories,
scars and lessons
And restart

if you could, would you
Let the heart give away its last beat
To some goodbye
You think should never exist

As to what I would do
I am not so sure
All I can do is sit and ponder
What might have happened

If I had chosen to let you go
When I still had it in me

This is for the first time
you opened your mouth after years of silence
and all you could say was
"Im sorry, please come back"

This is for the first time
you saw the wounds on his hand
and regretted how you let
the roses he sent
just to die and rot away

This is for the first time
you realised how much he loved you
and just because his love remained unwritten or unexplained
does not mean he loved you any less

This is for the first time
you realised how much you
burnt him
with your coldness
unintentional-yet brutal

This is for the first time
you realised
how he broke himself
to fix parts of you-
not a single complain escaping his mouth

You cut him open
and made him apologise for having bled
this is for the first time you bled
and he was not there for help

*this is for the first time
you realised
he was your last shot at
happiness
And you threw it away

*this is for the first time
you heard him say
i love you
for
the last time

Some voids
You just can't fill
But that never
stopped you
From loving me.

Some of us
Go too astray
To ever come back
To who we once were
But that never stopped you
From calling out my name

Some things
You just can't repair
But that never stopped you
From trying

Some flowers
Wilt when you touch them
But your tender touch
Only livened their petals

Some angels
Are destined to fall
But somwhow you were always
At the right place
To catch one of them.

And today when
I stood among stangers
In the pouring rain
Waiting for my train
I was reminded
How it felt
Without you

Who ever said I could not write happy poems while my blood dripped all over these pages

Who ever said I could not smile so much that it hurts in the morning, only to cry myself to liberation at night?
Who ever said I could not bring a party to life, just because my insides feel dead?
Who ever said I could not preach self love while loathing myself?

Who ever said I could not care for humanity, even if I don't really love humans all that much individually?
Who ever said I'd shy away from an argument, just because I advocate peace?
Who ever said I can't be complex in my thoughts, while being so simple in my art?
Who ever said I could not be an insomniac, even if I can sleep all day long just fine?

Who ever said I could not be terribly sad while laughing myself to a fit?
Who ever said I could not wear a seat belt just because some nights my thoughts strayed to suicide?
Who ever said I wanted to die just because I could not expect to live?

Who ever said who you're should be neatly labelled into categories others decide?

Why is it
That you only look
for stars
When there is no moon
And it is dark

Why is it
That you only know
what you had
When it is time
to say goodbye

Why is it
That the things we have
Always have to wait
While we seek the things
We might never get

Why is it
Among the greenery
of the spring
We forget about the autumn leaves that flew away

Why Is it
I have always grieved
for loss more strongly
than I ever
Felt the love

Why is it
That I always write about things
When it is a little too late
And they are already gone;
Their meanings belittled



Why is it
We are too busy wondering
why someone loves us
Instead of confessing
we feel the same


Why is it
We stare at a moment
till it slips
right out of  our hand
And blurs into a forlorn memory


Why Is it
That we wait
to be sure
Till a chance becomes
another what if

I can't sleep without you tucked up against me,
By my side.
But if you were to ask me how I'm,
I'd tell you I'm getting by,
I'm getting by.

And it's like walking through a door,
Just to find another
It's like watching you look for me,
Through my window,
In a house, with no door.

I can't seem to be able to watch you mourn me.
I want to tell you,
You can't be both the killer and the ambulance,
But you're.
And it's just not fair,
It's just not fair.

And It's like I'm the bullet you want to dodge,
But you can't go far without the adrenaline.
It's like how every flower will wilt for you,
If you love it hard enough,
And boy, did we love

I can't seem to be able to make use of this leftover me,
So in case you're looking for an empty, secluded place to rest from your inconsistencies,
Use my heart,
But you can't, you won't
A heart so tamed is no fun,
My heart is no fun, anymore.

And it's like the whole world is spinning,
Tauntingly, obliviously,
But I can't move,
Unless it's to write,
Somewhere along the line,
Expression was the only time
I was away from self destruction
And it's sad, but kind of funny, don't you agree?
It's sad, but kind of funny.

I can't seem to tuck out the disappointments,
Hiding in the wrinkles of my skin,
Or be a disappointment dressed up in
This messed up body,
But if you were to pass me by, I'd compile all the burnt out suns inside of my heart,
To give you one last warm smile,
Anything to convince you

That I'm getting by,
I'm getting by.

Just because I smiled does not really mean
I like the way you are gawking at me,
Cause girls like me,
we don't like getting messed with
By guys like you 
Who fall in love with every face they see

The flirtatious comments are okay,
But mind you, I'll always keep you an arm's length away 
I can feel your struggle 
You can't keep your eyes on the road
But really there is something you should know

Girls like me, yeah, we can see through your actions,
Today you'll say hello,
Tomorrow you would need our numbers,
Now I'm not the kind of girl to be fooled by those innocent eyes,
I know guys like you 
Fall in love With every face they come across

Tonight I look the prettiest,
Tomorrow there will be another's headlights you'll chase 
Life does get boring 
For a street dog,
With nothing else to do
But there is something we wish you knew

Girls like me,
We don't need attention,
Wherever we walk, is where the limelight follows,
And even that won't be enough
We want the world at our feet,
And the stars in our crowns

So save your clichés
A fool always finds another fool 
To be friends with
But as long as you know it is not gonna be me,
We should be alright

He looked all his life,
Waited to be drenched in the tsunami of emotions she had within herself
Just One more time

Little did he know
The ocean inside her had dried,
The colors drained from her eyes
All because of his unsaid goodbye

The girl who never stood still,
Always burning and crashing
Now wore the silence of twilight hours,
Her life holding the emptiness
Of the infinite sky

She no longer remembers the first time his hand held hers,
She does not remember about the attraction his eyes held once

She used to be the words that set
Paper ablaze
Now she is just a smudge,
Out of place and frowned upon.

And now that his fire had blown off,
He went looking for the girl
With gaze that could set ashes on fire
But
She is no longer there

Now she is just a room with no window or, door
There is no point in knocking now
She gave up on looking out for your footsteps way back.

Some habits we
can't quit
some wounds
never heal
some lovestories
remain unknown
some beautiful songs
waiting to be sung
some best poems
that remain unwritten
some memories
left to rust
some dreams
left abandoned
some letter covered with dust
some write
to remember
some write
To forget
Me .?
i write
To bleed
i write
Hoping maybe
my words will
help someone sleep
if you are reading this
Just know
if it is dark where you are
we can always fly
to a new horizon
just close your eyes, honey
You and I'll be safe
tonight we are invincible

You ask me
To snap out if it
Like it's a choice
Like I'm hurting
By desire
And not a compulsion
Fate has
Bound me with

You cry
For all these materialistic things
Your teeth have gaps
And you had to get it fixed
I cry
Because I have seen a mother
Trying to get through
Her son's epileptic brain
And let him know
She loves him.

You say you know
The pain I must feel
But can you
Can you really?
I remember all the times you were there
But I also remember the majority of nights
When you were not

I had to battle alone
All those days
Darker than most of the nights
You were busy
Getting laid

my issues
Were downplayed
And I was blamed
To be the one
Eclipsing your happiness
And I apologised
Who needs razor blades
Your words
Make deeper cuts
And no one can even see the harm

I was fine before
Always Maintaining my distance
As if the plague inside me
Will create havoc
The moment I
Get near a happy soul
I'll infect them
With the misery
That I am

But you were different
You gave me hope
You showed me there was another way
And just like that
I thought I was saved
But I was not
The flood came
When I was fully assured
You were the life boat
And you were gone.


You were an illusion
I mistook for pure magic
You were the toxicant
I hoped would cure me
You gave me hope
Only to ****** it
Away from me
And the walk back home
All alone
Has never felt this lonely

Why did you hold my hand
Only to let me go
Why did you give me shelter
Only to kick me out
When I get used to the warmth
Why did you assure me
You'll be here
When that was never the part of your plan

And now I look at the mother of epileptic kid
Whose pain lasted longer
Than she ever will
Her eyes have lost their light
She is oblivious to my hands
Holding hers
Don't you dare tell me
It gets better
Cause it never does

They say,
Girl all your poems are the same,
I took a closer look and realised
They are correct,
The words are different
But the contexts are usually the same
But what can I do
If I see this world
in shades of pain and heartbreak.

They say,
Girl, all you write about is love
A few seconds of introspection and I realised
They are correct
But what can I say
If the only emotions
I have felt
Is love and its absence

They say
Girl, all your wishes  are about
things so little and ordinary
A deeper look into my dreams
And I realised
They are right
But what can I say
If all I long is to go back
To those simpler, childhood days

They ask,
Girl, why do you feel so strongly
A look at my wounds and I see they are right
But what can I say?
If I was born
With an enormous need
To be loved
And give it away

They ask
Girl why do you fret over
The endings so much
On an encounter with my lover,
I felt they are correct
Well, what can I say
If the iti in my name means end
And that tells all the story by itself

You hold my hand still,
But it is always loose
And you talk to me often,
But I know I'm not the only one.

And all those poems I sent you,
That you never bothered to read

She is just a friend,
Still her words you have kept framed.

And I don't know why I still stay.

'Cause  know I'm not the only one,
And this sadness has its hands gripping my throat,
The words you say, though, are still coherent,
But there is a void of emotions behind them

And I tell myself,
You can not recreate a moment of past
Why is that time reduces every thing beautiful to ruins

And maybe that is why I stay,
For in all this decay, I still have not forgotten
The Smell of spring.

And the words I write, no longer fits the man you have become,
So you can hold on to her words,
While I hold on the lyrics, of the music long stopped,

Hoping one day it will find its way back to me.


Till then, I shall let my friends Wonder
Why do I still stay

As I grow up, I realise,
That we are just men in transit,
People in passing,
Looking out of
varied dimension of windows.

All these memories are windows,
You and I too,
We peek in, stare and revel,
Sometimes we reach out, touch and stay
Till it is our time, to go again.

There are infinite windows,
And infinite possibilities,
If you ponder, you'll see,
Impossibility is just another possibility.

Then why Is it,
We linger about closed windows,
And spend ourselves
When there are other windows
Calling out our names.

Evolve, keep moving,
Or you'll become a stagnant pond,
Next time, a window closes,
Smile and let go,
And in this way,
You, too, shall pass.

Why do I write poetry:
Many nights I have slept
With words of yours wrapped all around me
And now every time I lay
Those words whisper to me.
I must write to maintain my sanity.

Why do I write poetry:
Sometimes when I see sunset all I can think of is how you were the light of my eyes and when you left the sun set and it has never dawned since then
And I must write; ode to its remembrance

Why do I write poetry:
Sometimes I get really confused as to where I'm going except that no road will be taking me to you and the brown of the earth is the closest I'll get to have a souvenir of you
And I must write about the brown eyes I no longer wake up to

Why do I write poetry:
Every time you spoke there was a quiet all around while your words etched themselves on my fragile heart
And now there is only chaos left
And I must write to give my heart the silence to reminisce about your voice

Why do I write poetry:
I removed pieces of me to make you a home and now it only aches where my heart should be
And I must write to distract and empty myself of whatever is left

Why do I write poetry:
This is a world where please stay is followed only by a sorry as their response
And I must write because paper never cringes when I confess about my love

All I know
Since the moment
You decided to walk away
Is how many seconds
have passed
Before I lost track
Of them
As seconds turned to minutes
Minutes flowed into hours
And I still have not
seen your face

All I know
Since the moment
You decided to walk away
Is how you have been my shelter
From everything I loved
Which later on turned toxic,
How you have saved me
From drowning
In a flood that he
And his memories
Always bring

All I know
Since the moment
You decided to walk away
Is how I have been pouring
myself Out in you
And just when I thought I was empty
The momentary bliss would fade
And still
you would hold me
After the many times
I relapsed

All I know
Since the moment
you decided to walk away
Is everything has
gone less tender
Night comes with pangs
In the shape of my worst nightmare
But sleep never does
Days have gone monotonous
Meeting into each other
In a slurry blur

All I know
Since the moment you
Decided to walk away
Is that the symmetry of things
Around me
Does not look the same.
The lonely tree is crying
Dropping its jewel in
Early spring*
Please,
Come back

A passion was awoken
That could not be tamed,
And what once was a spark
Has now left such an ugly scar

Maybe,
It's one of the love trademarks
To build up a thing
Only to watch it fall apart

So fall not
For such foolery,
Magic, these days,
Is often trickery.

Fragile as a flower,
It will softly walk in,
Persistent as a ****,
It will never leave.

There is a fine line,
Between love and madness,
You're bound to cross
If you don't keep yourself in check

As light as a wing,
It can still make your heart sink,
As tempting is its invitation
The result might still be horrendous

And the worst of all,
A deathblow,
What if the leaving stars,
Take it all?

As concrete as the ocean tides,
lasting like a kid's attention,
To fall or to take a flight,
It's your and only your choice.

What could have been,
What should have been,
Sometimes seem more appealing,
Than what is

The roads untravelled,
The dreams never sought,
The desires compromised,
Sometimes take their toll.

Who would I have been,
If what could have been,
Had been.

Would I still be writing this poem,
Wondering,
What would have happened,
If I had taken a different turn

Or, would I be just writing different lyrics,
And try to have them fit
On the same old music?

I guess,
There would always be A road untravelled,
Or a poem left abandoned, unfinished
Stories ending before they could begin,
The mystery behind the what could have beens.

So, this is a shout out,
To all the lives I'll never live,
And the people I'll never be,

But where I landed,
And who I'm,
It is up to me,
To make it worthwhile,

And I reckon,
It is still a feat
Worth celebrating

'Cause,
As appealing,
as the roads untravelled might be,
Nothing beats the experience
And the excitement,
That the roads we travelled have brought